Sometimes I don’t feel the way people tell me I’m supposed to feel. When they say I should be deliriously happy, I’m deliriously unhappy. The fear presents itself as an inability to let go. I don’t like to be the center of attention. I shy away.
I’ll be coming for your love, ok?
I’m not really a spotlight girl but somewhere inside of me is probably an ability to bring the house down. We may never know. Something tells me we will know one day. It was on my bucket list to speak in front of a large crowd and draw tears. I may have actually done that, but I’m not positive that it counts. There are four times in my life in which I said three magic words. “I did it.” The first time was on my wedding day after our very moving ceremony, and the reading of our hand-written vows.
The second time I said “I did it” was in surprise when Scarlet was born, and I had really done it! I pushed for 50 minutes or so but it felt like three hours and I thought they were going to take me in for a c-section. They didn’t, because I. Did. It.
And then that brings us to my sister’s wedding. She was SO there for me for my wedding, and really for everything I’ve ever done. There were no alternatives to being 100% present for her. I started writing this post the morning after her wedding.
I was playing my favorite moments from the wedding in a reel in my mind and I didn’t want to forget any so I just started writing. I decided to make a list of my top ten favorite moments from the wedding here, in no particular order:
1. The combinations of people on the dance floor. My father-in-law holding my brother’s son. One of our oldest friends dancing with my mom’s friend in the most connected way. If my kids thought it was strange that all six of their grandparents were together on the dance floor, they never let on about it. It’s not strange to them, in fact. It’s their lucky reality.
2. When my brother looked around and made the powerful statement about how we were at my parent’s house, but it had been transformed. So we had elements of both comfort and excitement, and surely a million other feelings, all in one night.
3. During all of the hair/makeup/photography wedding prep, vendors kept pulling up and taking over the place. It started to feel like the movie Father of the Bride, which also takes place at her parent’s house! I kept expecting to see Martin Short running through the pathways. Or maybe some swans? Cake is made of flour and water! For your enjoyment:
4. Being with a lot of people I love and hadn’t seen in ages, but not having to be the one to get married! Wheeeeeee!!!
5. Have I mentioned yet that I got a new brother that day? I like him.
6. The compliments I got about my writing, my photography and my kids are the kind that stick with you for life.
7. Surely I’ve mentioned (12,000) times that I gave a speech! It was my first public speaking.. ever? In adulthood? I did sing Hebrew to hundreds of people at my Bat Mitzvah but I was 13 then. Everything you do when you’re 13 is surely embarrassing, right? I got REALLY nervous and I was very hard on myself for my matron-of-honor speech, but then I lightened up, because.. umm.. it was my first time public speaking with a microphone.. Of course I was nervous! Which brings me to my next point..
8. I used a lot of learned anxiety-soothing methods all weekend long and they worked. I was able to let go and let loose and have a damn good time. It’s a kind of power that isn’t new to me, but is maybe new to me at this time in my life.
9. And there was that point on the dance floor in which I realized I had won that battle over anxiety, and I had won it on a dance floor! Which is a really great place to have won a battle over anxiety. Dance. Party. Time.
10. The calm before the storm. The prep. The day before. The transformation. The magic. And it got a LOT more magical the next day, but I feel fortunate to have snapped a few photos before the crazy.
I’m odds and ends
But I’ll Be
Slowly learning that life is ok.
— Aha in “Take On Me”