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You’re Gonna Have to Hold On

“You’re gonna have to hold on
You’re gonna have to hold on
Hold on, hold on
Or we’re gonna have to move on
We’re gonna have to move on
Or we’re gonna have to move on
Move on, move on”

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

The one in which I saw northern lights, I think(?), was nearly sprayed by a friendly skunk (maybe he/she was so friendly that I wasn’t nearly sprayed but it felt that way), learned I need to start really focusing on my own happiness (since it’s not my job to make other people happy – but can definitely focus on making things easier for them), called my mom for her birthday, saw Scarlet play some smooth jazz band at the high school, got through Lucy’s surgery (although it wasn’t my job to go through it), had some armchair therapy in a literal armchair, focused on the fact that I can bond with each of our dogs and it’s getting easier, and also wrote the longest blog sentence in history here. I could keep going with “the one in which” occurrences and moments, but let’s just start writing, right? Although I suppose I already started writing. Whew! It’s time to take a breath.

Maybe two or three too.

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

“I feel alright
And I cried so hard the
Ridiculous thoughts, a-ha how
I feel alright, alright, alright, alright”

Like many people across the country, and beyond, I saw northern lights last Friday night. Or my phone did anyway. I could see the swirls and the majesty, but my phone saw it much better. I wonder if northern lights look as magical to the naked eye if you’re seeing them in Iceland or Alaska. Of course I imagine they do. It was pretty epic to see them, but it was also a little sad and confusing, because it was on everyone’s bucket list, but only Cassidy really saw them, and I suppose I did too, but maybe not as strong. It was just a weird and lonely night, and not the bucket list fulfillment excitement I imagined. There were nice moments, though, like when I heard rustling in the grass in the dark field I was in. I thought maybe it was a person, but then saw it was a small animal. The animal got close enough to touch the bottom of my leg, and my phone flashlight could make out a bushy tail. Holy heck, it was a skunk! I ran to Cassidy and we were able to confirm that it was a skunk. A cute and curious skunk. Not out to spray me that night.

It was TERRIFYING, though. And also hilarious.

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

Lately I’ve been thinking..

Back in 9th grade, my good friend and I used to type each other letters and notes on the school-provided yellow paper. We used to tell each other our hopes and dreams, talk about our crushes, make plans, write stories, and much more. It was our way of talking when we couldn’t otherwise. We had school and after school activities, she had work, and we both had several siblings and pets. This is hypothetical, but imagine she told me that all of what we wrote to each other wasn’t really communicating because we weren’t speaking person to person. We were writing notes.

Say only I wrote the notes and she only wrote back once or twice? What if she told me that our (mostly one-way) communicating wasn’t actually communicating, but she told me that at the end of the school year? What if she was hurt we didn’t do more than that, but we couldn’t because of time or fears or vulnerability or life and its distractions? Or worse, what if she didn’t actually care to tell me earlier? I would feel hurt, like I was missing 90% of the story, as usual. I would also feel resigned to listen to her and to change my ways. You see, this is the kind of slow learner that I am sometimes. And this is one of the ways I’ll do better. Notes are nice. They don’t interrupt or tell you where you’re lacking. They only tell one side of the story, though. You’d say they’re incomplete.

It’s nice, but only if you have the person to person relationship as well.

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

I started sharing a photo of the day on Facebook, with the label: Day 1, Day 2, etc. I wanted to commit to 100 days (and beyond) of a feel-good daily practice, of sharing photos and stories. However, not to be incomplete, I’m really committing to backing up these 100 days (and beyond) with more REAL LIFE communication, openness, and vulnerability. This could mean a lot of things, like starting tough or scary conversations, reaching out more for hugs and help, checking in with someone I haven’t spoken to in awhile, delivering my family members chocolate and/or coffee in the bath, so they feel as loved as they are. It might be small and barely detectable to anyone out there, but me. Yet when you commit to a daily practice, you grow your daily practice muscles, and who knows? Maybe I’ll get stronger and stronger in the areas I’m/we’re lacking. Crazy things can happen. As long as I retain my Tamara-ness, but make it better. Speaking of retaining ourselves:

Lucy had her surgery on Monday and is doing well. I’ll keep updating on that!

This was two nights before her surgery. We love her immeasurably:

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

I’m not quite ready to share all the photos of her wounds and shaved poodle legs, but it’s going to be a long recovery. She has already surpassed vet expectations in everything she’s done, so we’re just going to expect that upward trajectory to continue. I mean, why wouldn’t it, right? Right!

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

But you're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, You're gonna have to hold on, Hold on, hold on, Or we're gonna have to move

“You’re gonna have to hold on
You’re gonna have to hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Well, you’re gonna have to hold on
You’re gonna have to hold on, to me”

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3 Comments

  1. you looking so amazing all your outfits are super and your cute smile adding fire on it your huskies looks so innocent am also huskies lover and have my 4 babies

  2. Please don’t ever lose your Tamara-Ness or your sundress-ness Tamara! Yes, please keep us updated on Lucy’s recovery. Thank You for sharing some Northern Lights photos with us. The high concentration of nitrogen in the atmosphere is the reason for the hues of pink and purple-violet. The green shade at the bottom layer in the first pic is from a higher concentration of oxygen. The Northern Lights were a non event in my Somerset county area of New Jersey. They were more clearly visible in the New Brunswick area. They’ll reach their peak again in July of next year.

  3. I didn’t see any Northern Lights here in CT. I think we were too cloudy, and also, way too many tress. Plus, I’m not a night person, so I wasn’t willing to hang around waiting. Very cool, though, an eclipse and the northern lights in one year!

    Our dog had to have surgery on both of his back knees at the same time. It was horrendous. I would say it took a year for him to seem like a normal dog. In hindsight, certainly glad we did it. But it was rough. Good luck with the healing!

    And daily habits are my mojo. 🙂

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