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You’re Asking Me Will My Love Grow

“You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
You stick around, now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know”

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

I don’t actually have the time to say all the things I want to say.

And that’s ok. Puppies grow at rapid speeds, and it seems, so do we. I write a lot about how I don’t read my writing after I publish it. Sure, I check it for editing, and not even as thoroughly as I used to, and I will read a published post the day or week after I publish it. Usually that’s it. I never read things again, mostly because the way I think and write, which go hand in hand, change so rapidly. So if I read something I wrote a couple of weeks or months ago, it’s cringe-worthy to me. Maybe the writing isn’t so good, but really it’s the thinking that isn’t so good. The way I think I know so much, until I don’t, and then weeks or months or years from now, I’ll think that about me right now. Maybe to really know ourselves, we have to admit that we don’t know much about anything. How much have I been missing, until I don’t miss it? It’s inspiring to think I’ll grow and grow and grow. Will my love grow? I don’t know. This love story is about me & me.

Make no mistake about that. And maybe a little about them:

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You may be wondering how they are, and they’re alarmingly precious. Precious angel demons. Tiny bears. Leading by ears and tails and whines. They’re a pretty smashing hit around here, and probably everywhere too. Puppies grow at rapid speed, changing day by day. We notice it in the photos, of course, but also in the heftier weight of carrying the two puppies up and down stairs. Sure, they gain skills by the day – like learning to walk up stairs, and then down stairs, and even learning to walk clumsily on the fallen, dippin-dots snow. It’s amazing. Or the way I’ll carry both puppies in one arm, wielding a flashlight in the other. I’m not in the greatest shape anyway, and I’ll have to catch my breath after another bout up the stairs. It’s physically taxing, and of course not as bad to ME as having a baby, because I didn’t have to recover from traumatic birth. It’s a lot, though, for anyone. We often take on too much. Maybe we’re afraid of the vastness and the void; and what it might be like to confront ourselves in the quiet and the dark. And maybe we’re just open to the warm and wriggling and very much alive beings. I face my demons in the quiet and the dark quite a bit, thank you for that. It’s partly my love story, starting with my love for me.

Puppies are open to the rapid growth, and it seems, so are we.

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

I can write this late at night, and have changed by the morning light. And it’s freeing to write by night, and publish by day. It doesn’t matter who I’ll be tomorrow; it matters who I am right now. Spinning my stories by the Christmas lights, and each one could deserve its own post. I can let the photos do most of the talking, though, and I can sit most of this one out. Every event of every day is a lesson. The rapid growth is because I’m hungry to learn. I’m an open book. I can sit in therapy twice a week but I can’t waste this hard-earned money if I’m not walking away with gemstones – the wisdom I piece together on my own – with a kind and warm and open listener. And the gemstones I can glean from their knowledge and their backgrounds and their degrees. That does matter, because the science says it does, and I say it too. I’m voracious to learn to be more mindful, to be loving, to be respected and supported, to be a good listener, and to make sure I get a kind say as well. To be better at photos, better at writing, whatever that means, and parenting too. How much is it me, being me, painting this life by instinct? And how much of it requires lessons, articles, books, teachers, sessions, and appointments? I think it has to be both.

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

Things don’t bother me the way they used to, although sometimes it creeps back in and up unexpectedly. Of course it does. I still care about my life and about the people around me. It’s not the same, though. It’s small and subtle and achingly slow. I like to think about how it will all grow, and I’ll be someone more secure with and loving to herself. This week, like all weeks, was full of constant learning. Through stress, pressure, partnership, tension, anxiety, and excitement.

What happens next? I don’t know, but I’m showing up for it.

Will my love grow? I don’t know, but I sure hope so.


A Week of Photos:

ChristmasCon:

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

The Cuteness:

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

The Growth and Adventures:

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

The Fashion:

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

You're asking me will my love grow, I don't know, I don't know, You stick around, now it may show, I don't know, I don't know

“You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
You stick around, now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know
Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me”

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3 Comments

  1. So many fun Christmas experiences! AND… so many dogs! The puppies are just completely adorable. I want to gather them up in my arms and feel them. These are the good moments, right? I love seeing all your various photos. In spite of the health issues, you’ve had a great season.

    Merry, merry Christmas!

  2. First I have to say how much I enjoyed watching the ‘video’ for the song. George Harrison is my favorite Beatle and wrote that song, choreographed that little film. Paul with Linda together in this was incredible to watch.

    Your love keeps growing, Tamara. What a beautiful life you are living right this minute. I love this; “How much is it me, being me, painting this life by instinct? And how much of it requires lessons, articles, books, teachers, sessions, and appointments? I think it has to be both.” So TRUE.

    Your puppies are so gorgeous! Four dogs and Four kids…no biggie LOL. You look beautiful in all of your outfits. I particularly like the jumpers (like a short dresses) on you. Oh, but then the long skirt with the leather jacket was a stunner too.

  3. You gave your camera quite a workout in this fun, family, furry, fashionable, photo filled blog Tamara! Love and happy, smiling faces from beginning to end which makes me smile too when l scroll through them all. More and more l find myself not really knowing what to expect from one day to the next, but just like you l keep showing up for each day with an open mind. It’s Great that all your pets get along so well!

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