Imagine what 2020 could have been like, if the virus hadn’t creeped up (or leaped up) and pretty much poked holes into the institutions of nearly everything we say and do and feel and believe. It wasn’t just the virus, of course. It was the great divide of the last 3-4 years, because before that, I think married people could have voted for different candidates and still stayed married. I find that is harder these days. It’s the divide, you see. And it’s all the holes in everything we say and do and feel and believe. Healthcare and education, and statues and changing high school mascot names. The divides and the holes – what rises up from that? What grows? Can the light shine into the gaps and maybe push up something new to light the way?
I think too much about the world we left behind, and I think too much about the world I left behind. Even if this new one has its own pleasures and treasures. And there’s no doubt that certain parts of our existence will stay changed forever, and that’s good. That’s progress. I’ve heard of breakfast cafes becoming pizzerias. Why? It worked better. I’ve heard of torn apart lovers reuniting. I’ve even heard about more intention and love and meaning. Reason. Nothing erases the horrors and the traumas, the many deaths, the graphic images, the conspiracy theories, and the ugly decay. I just like to imagine the world we have right now, and the one in front of us. One foot in front of the other – what rises and grows to give our kids and ourselves a million more chances at dizzy happiness? Not to erase the tragic, but to coexist with its echoes.
I imagine a big birthday (mine is ahem..TOMORROW) in which I feel healthy and loved and safe. It’s funny how I see the divides and the holes without seeing the light shining up through it all. I came home from routine third trimester testing with a splitting headache. I’d felt off all day and DO feel like all I’m ever doing is getting pulled at and away. When I pulled into the driveway, Scarlet ran out with her arm in the most giant wave. She wanted to hug me but waited until I could wash my hands. I noticed that every single pet (the four indoors ones, anyway) looked incredibly happy to see me. I rarely leave the house for hours! I think the 18 chickens like me too.
Safe. Imagine a world where we feel safe. It’s hard right now, and I suppose it will always be hard because this is an unsafe world. And we don’t need viruses, vaccines, people who think vaccines are microchipping us (somehow more than our devices??), violence, and more. The world is already unsafe enough. So we make our own safety, however that looks to us. It changes day by day and we make it up as we go along. How often we wash our hands, how often we see loved ones, how often we feel touch from someone not in our immediate families. How we go about our days and run our businesses and our haircut management and our food supply and our preparations. As a kid, I loved the game of Life because I loved all the tiny family members safe and snug in their little cars and lives. I was obsessed with ALL toys/dolls having a cozy factor.
And healthy. I fret about anything being less than perfect, but nothing is perfect. It was hard when I was pregnant with Scarlet, it was harder when pregnant with Des, and it’s still hard. I got some less than good test results this week, but I got mostly great test results this week. Nothing surprising. I get some insulin resistance at this point in pregnancy and I’m slightly low on iron. Otherwise I feel superhuman. I’m in good care, the baby is healthy, and it’s onward and upward.
Imagine the year we would have had, steamrolling and steam-chugging through. Like a tornado, robbing us of time and love and power. Imagine the world we have to rebuild, without guarantees that viruses disappear, at least without other viruses rampaging in their wakes. Without any guarantees in leadership and peace and tolerance. And without any solid climate ground to stand on – without fear of earthquakes and fires rampaging waves in their wakes.
Now imagine your place in this year and this world, rebuilding yourself from the ground up or the top down. A plan that only has to start with you, at the roots; but make sure it spreads out.
I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. This week’s awesome Mardra topic is “Can You Imagine? (photo prompt)” You can link up your own post HERE.