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You Know In The End, I’ll Always Be There

“If you need a friend
Don’t look to a stranger
You know in the end
I’ll always be there
And when you’re in doubt
And when you’re in danger
Take a look all around
And I’ll be there”

If you need a friend, Don't look to a stranger, You know in the end, I'll always be there, And when you're in doubt, And when you're in danger

Here I am, I think, or maybe I’m not here. It may be my last Friday post before baby.

Or maybe the baby is already here, but the blog must go on. The show must go on. I don’t even remember what I did when Rider was born, but I know that as usual, this blog didn’t skip a beat, but my heart probably skipped many beats. When I used to go on vacation (remember that? oh wait, you may be back to all that by now), I would set the blog to keep running on some sort of auto-pilot so that I could still be here, with my voice, but I’d also be there. Here and there are both important places to be, and I always aim to make the best of both. I’m writing this a few days before Friday, and I’m feeling emotional right now. For this here, unborn baby; for this here, very born blog. And for my three children. After all this time? Always. My blog won’t skip a beat.

Outside the blog, hopefully my heart will skip many beats. I’m here and I’m there. Everywhere.

“I’m sorry but I’m just thinking of the right words to say
(I promise you)
I know they don’t sound the way I planned them to be
(I promise you)
But if you wait around a while I’ll make you fall for me
(I promise you)
I promise, I promise you, I will”

One day I’ll read back on these strange words during this strange time and waiting game. I’m so scared and so excited, and so unsure. I see this world warming back up, and opening back up, and it’s probably before its time. Like Fool’s Spring, and Second Winter, and just like the seasons, COVID isn’t over; maybe the worst is? I love seeing people going to restaurants and on planes, and I will get back there again. Right now, I’m pulling the covers more over my shoulders, and peeking out at the world. It’s my time to hunker down and in, and wait for what awaits us. All I can do is put all my ducks in a weird little row. Birth mixes, hospital bags, timing contractions, or lack thereof, and making sure we’re ok. I can write it, and let you know I’m either here or there.

I’ve learned how to toggle back and forth.

If you need a friend, Don't look to a stranger, You know in the end, I'll always be there, And when you're in doubt, And when you're in danger

“When your day is through
And so is your temper
You know what to do
I’m gonna always be there
Sometimes if I shout
It’s not what’s intended
These words just come out
With no cross to bear”

For so long, this was the longest pregnancy of them all. It’s definitely been the strangest. And I kept wishing it away or faster. Farther and further and to safe places. It’s strange to me that I’m at 38 weeks but I still feel that the safest place would be at 39 weeks. And that’s only in 2-3 days. And then what? Then, it’s go time? And how will happen? Will it happen on its own, like with Scarlet, or will things get weird, like with Des? Will I set an induction, like with Rider? Choosing your child’s birthday is strange, although I know people with c-sections do that even more firmly than with an induction. I can set one and cancel it at the last minute. It’s a luxury. I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but doing this for a fourth time does not set the mind at ease. Quite the contrary, I know everything that can go wrong. I know everything that can go right.

It’s a lot more of that, luckily.

“Gotta tell you
Need to tell you
Gotta tell you
I’ve gotta tell you”

The days pass through me, and I find myself wishing for more time, and also less time. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore, or ever again, but I also do. I want to meet this baby, but I’m also afraid. For my health, for his or her health, and for the health of the marriage and the family. I’m scared for heart rates and blood pressure cuffs, the rise and fall of contractions; the breathing chest of a newborn. This little soul is so beautiful on ultrasound machines, but I’m not ready. How could anyone be ready? Four kids?! I can’t bear to leave the three I have behind, for even a night, or two. Rider won’t understand and he won’t be my littlest anymore. I need more time to drink him in, but it would never be enough. Truly, I deeply need to hold them both in my arms, and to no longer be too pregnant to chase my laughing boy up the stairs and around the bend.

I hope he knows. I’ll always be there.

If you need a friend, Don't look to a stranger, You know in the end, I'll always be there, And when you're in doubt, And when you're in danger

And so, we wait. With every moon and sun rise and fall. The coyote, or fox, or moose, calls its lonesome song outside my bubble bath window. I feel like maybe no one notices me, or maybe everyone is watching me, to see when it will happen. What will happen. Who it will be. What his or her name will be. What a fourth Bowman baby could possibly look like. This is the silent time. The quiet before a storm takes hold. Swept up in unpredictable winds; carried toward its finale.

Next time I see you, we’ll all be different. Goodbye, for now. Hello, hello.

“You know in the end
I’ll always be there”

This is my new birth mix, but before the birth this time. “The Promise” is song #29.

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6 Comments

  1. Aw, what can I say but huge congrats again, my sweet, dear friend. So happy for you and your family. Your new little guy is adorable and perfect. Take some time to just enjoy it all now. Hugs and all my love to you always ❤️

  2. A lovely post, Tamara! Almost a goodbye to the mother of three and a greeting to the mother of four. Exactly, you will always be there. This is a new stage. Everything is different but so much remains the same. You are blessed. Congratulations on the new edition to your beautiful family! Sending much love xx

  3. Congratulations! I know this isn’t the announcement post, but I am so happy your little cutie arrived safe and sound! 3 boys and a girl! We have it the other way around, but it’s a zoo no mater what 🙂

  4. Hi Tamara! My most sincere Congratulations to you and to everyone in your family! I’m Very Happy for all of you! May the rejoicing and celebrating last and last! I can’t wait to read your announcement post and see all the new pictures!

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