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You Are The Sunlight In My Growing

You Are The Sunlight In My Growing.

You are the sunlight in my growing. I'm linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. The new topic is: The Best Part About Summer Is.

“It is the springtime of my loving
The second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing
So little warmth I’ve felt before
It isn’t hard to feel me glowing
I watched the fire that grew so low, oh”

Within two hours of meeting Cassidy for the first time, the clock struck July 2nd, which was the date in which my father had passed away exactly 20 years earlier. I don’t even know how I feel about faith and love and magic, except that they’re inexplicably connected. Eight years after that, my grandfather passed away on July 2nd, if you can believe that, and it was only days or minutes after finding out that his great grandson, my Desmond, was safely home from the NICU. It’s not that I think of any of these instances as replacements, like meeting the great love of my life on the eve of the night I lost my father, or losing my grandfather the day I really knew I had gained my healthy son. It’s that I think of July 2nd as being on a collision course with me.

We walk in and out of each other’s orbits, don’t we?

boy in bubble bath

That’s sort of how I feel about summer in general. We’re on a bit of a collision course. I was born in the summer. It’s my favorite season too. I think of it like calmer seas as far as the eye can see. Spring is frenetic and transitional here. Maybe it was different when I was little, but it’s either the New England norm, or climate change, to be undeniably ridiculous here until those late June skies. In the “old days”, I struggled with the end of the school year. It’s like it reached my stomach – as a storm – to wrap my head, heart, and whole being around so many endings and beginnings, that actually don’t have anything to do with me. They’re my kids’ lives to live. Like friends coming and going, emptying out the desks and lockers, and teachers then and now.

You are the sunlight in my growing. I'm linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. The new topic is: The Best Part About Summer Is.

“It is the summer of my smiles
Flee from me, keepers of the gloom
Speak to me only with your eyes
It is to you I give this tune
Ain’t so hard to recognize, oh
These things are clear to all from time to time, ooh”

My kids mostly cry on the last day of school. It’s hard to say goodbye. At the end of last year, Scarlet and Des were depressed for various reasons. They both had had the kind of teacher that stays with you for life. The tears usually fade around the same time that my stomach’s butterflies start to settle. Summer is immense and wondrous and possible. Camp is always amazing. I work and do camp pickup and drop-off and celebrate Scarlet’s birthday – which is the birthday of my motherhood – plus my own birthday. There is usually some sort of travel – and it’s the kind of travel that you are nearly nostalgic for as it’s happening. Pre-nostalgia. And sure enough, your instincts are always right. You find yourself longing for those easier, brighter, and longer days.

They keep you warm for years to come.

husky in a hammock

School is supposed to end in the warmth – it’s what keeps you glowing and growing. Outgrown sweaters and old lunches. Textbooks and papers. Temporary goodbyes and sad ones too. Graduations and endings that are beginnings. You want to hang on, but you also want to let go.

Summer shouldn’t start in winter – with mismatched mittens and hats hanging desperately on hooks – untouched for one, then two, and soon three months. The day Cassidy and the kids emptied their backpacks for the school year – in APRIL this year – I did this thing I do. I can make myself fall asleep – to sleep off sadness and illness. Maybe it’s a superpower and maybe it’s a curse, but I wanted no part of this weird and premature ritual. I slept to forget what’s still lost.

Soon, summer will usher us into her warm embrace, like clockwork, from this strange, sad year.

You are the sunlight in my growing. I'm linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. The new topic is: The Best Part About Summer Is.

“Talk talk, talk, talk
Hey, I felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go
I cursed the gloom that set upon us, ‘pon us, ‘pon us, ‘pon us
But I know that I love you so
Oh, but I know
That I love you so.”

I could tell you that the best parts of summer are the ways in which the living is easier. Summer nights and rocking chairs. Air-conditioned movie movie theaters, shooting stars, and toasted marshmallows by firelight. I could tell you that the worst parts of summer are the discomforts – like mosquitoes and ticks – humidity hair and your legs sticking to the car seat. It runs deeper than that, though. It’s the collision courses. The best and worst parts of summer are faith and love and loss and grief. What’s been lost, what’s been found, and all the strange transitions and the glowing growing in between. How we can be so ok when we’ve lost so much. How we can be so sure and trusting of summer’s touch. Surely, we’ll find our way back again into the fold.

Surely, we’re doing that now. Let that heat shine through you. We need it.

The best thing about summer is the collision courses of faith and love and loss and grief, and magic too. Summer chases away the last of the cold darkness – you thought would never go.

“These are the seasons of emotion
And like the wind, they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion
I see the torch
We all must hold
This is the mystery of the quotient, quotient
Upon us all, upon us all a little rain must fall”

my little pony umbrella

I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. This week’s awesome new topic is “The Best (or Worst) Part About Summer Is..” You can link up your own post HERE.

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17 Comments

  1. I was born at the beginning of summer, too. Plus, I had Emma in July. And I met Kevin in July and we even got married in July, too. So summertime holds a special place in my heart. That said this summer feels a bit surreal knowing that the virus is still out there and we will be most likely wearing masks during it, as well. No real summer vacations either. Hope we can still enjoy what we can though and that the cold, darkness does go away and let the summer warmth and light take over. Fingers crossed. ❤️

    1. Yes! Late July baby here with an early July baby. Des was due June 25th so I thought if he was late, he’d be July too, but he had other ideas.

  2. The dates of your father’s pivotal moments still show their auspicious nature with not only your meeting of Cassidy, the dual death dates of Dad and Pop Pop, and Nana’s death date in Dad’s birthday. I checked some records and Nana and a Pop pop bought their first house on June 15, 1948. Ah, bittersweet summer!
    June and July are rich with so many birthdays; so many important people show up in June and July!

  3. Summer is my favorite time of year. It feels like it is being lost a bit this year, but I’m trying to stay in the moment and enjoy my favorite things as much as I can. Like Janine, I’m a summer baby as well, so I think a love of all the sun and warmth was born into me! Love seeing these photos of you with your growing tummy… this really makes me feel hopeful!

    1. Seems like the three of us have that in common. Really hoping for some hope and peace this summer. The world is seeming so scary lately.

  4. I am so ready for summer as we hopefully get back to a newer normal. As you know, my birthday is in the summer and it is my favorite time of year too! #almostbirthdaytwin This year will sure be different, but I know that there will be good things to celebrate and savor. 🙂

    1. We are very close in birthdays! I’m hoping for something special this year but I can’t see how it can happen. What a strange, strange world right now!

    1. Thank you! We have a similar thing in my family with June 15th (my father’s birthday and the day my grandmother passed and so many other things..) but that isn’t technically summer, and I needed this post to be under 1,000 words!

  5. This post brought a tear to my eye. I just love how you put your words together, Tamara. Your mom-birthday is when you had Scarlet. I think that’s why our first born is so … I’m struggling for the right word. Not our favorite but maybe our most challenging? I think it’s absolute magic that you met Cassidy on the anniversary of your father’s death. Serendipity or something. Maybe your dad was pulling some strings from above. I can’t help but think it. Magic.
    As for me, July is not my friend. I have had too much grief, loss and heartache in that particular month. It should be a wonderful beginning of the best season but for some reason I have had bad things happen in July. I don’t want to say its jinxed for me but…I brace for its arrival every year. Then I sigh when August begins.

    1. June and July really are weird in our family and I couldn’t make this post longer, because I liked it as it was, but June 15th is another weird one! So as you know, July 2nd is the day my father passed and also the day my maternal grandfather passed. Well June 15th was my father’s birthday, and my maternal grandmother passed away that day. When my mom called me that day, I simply couldn’t believe it Also her parents passed away two years apart, and they were two years apart, so they were both 100 and a half when they passed away respectively on my father’s death date and his birthday.

  6. This post brought a tear to my eye. I just love how you put your words together, Tamara. Your mom-birthday is when you had Scarlet. I think that’s why our first born is so … I’m struggling for the right word. Not our favorite but maybe our most challenging? I think it’s absolute magic that you met Cassidy on the anniversary of your father’s death. Serendipity or something. Maybe your dad was pulling some strings from above. I can’t help but think it. Magic.
    As for me, July is not my friend. I have had too much grief, loss and heartache in that particular month. It should be a wonderful beginning of the best season but for some reason I have had bad things happen in July. I don’t want to say its jinxed for me but…I brace for its arrival every year. Then I sigh when August begins.

  7. Faith, love and magic is real. I’m going to write a book someday! I am a summer baby and my son was born a week before my birthday. It was sooo hot here yesterday and then the clouds and rain came in. It was like a little beg. of the summer miracle. The heat, the being inside. It all kind of wears you down. Yesterday was nice 🙂

  8. The lyrics you chose from this Led Zep tune fit in perfectly with your blog lyrics Tamara. More than ever before we’re looking ahead. The better days, the better times are there, and they’re not very far away. Being closer together again will make celebrating them even more special after all that we have soldiered through so far, and we’ll make it through whatever’s left to come our way. What’s best about Summertime are the long hours of daylight, outdoor athletic and social activities, the light and airy clothing, traveling and exploring, making memories. The worst part is that summer doesn’t last, but that makes their return even more highly anticipated and appreciated! 😎🏊⛵🥎🍉🍓🍦

  9. It’s almost here! It will be unlike any before it. My kids got to play with neighbor kids for the first time since March 13th, just yesterday. We were outside, and we figured it was okay. I think we’re going to have them over to play outside in our backyard this week. Small steps. We are just taking small steps. Your sleeping sounds like another effective coping mechanism to me. We all do what we gotta do. meanwhile, the July 2nd thing is rather miraculous. I’d approach that day with a little trepidation, in your shoes. In our family, there’s something about Christmas break, but so far it has only brought funerals, family get togethers, and once there was a wedding. But so many funerals. For years, we dreaded Christmas because of the loss of the family get togethers and there was one funeral that was hardest for all of us, but the hardest one was 20 years ago now, and we’ve all mostly healed and can enjoy Christmas again. But I still get nervous around that time if anyone in the family is not in good health.

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