Who I Am. Who They Are.
I knew I wanted to participate in Dana’s “Who I Am” prompt for the month but I had nothing to say..yet. Sometimes that means nothing to say for right now, or ever. Mostly that means it will all come about the way it wants. I looked first to the photos I was catching up on – from exactly a year ago now. The photos are about one set of the kids’ grandparents.
I checked my overlying emotions, feelings and sensations. Sore from Pure Barre. Sick and tired of winter. Happy and inspired too. Scared as well. Why? Why not? I’m tackling fears left and right and taking baby steps out of my comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about how easy it is to feel the loss of control. The kids are going away for three nights tomorrow, to stay at yet another set of grandparent’s house. Three nights is long for a three-year-old. I’m thinking he’ll be fine. Will I?
February’s prompt is what you may expect from this month: LOVE. More specifically, tell a piece of your story regarding people in your life who you love and who love you. This is the one prompt this year that will focus on the people in our lives, so your options are endless. We will revisit your love of things and places later in the year; this month is about relationships.
That’s when I knew. Grandparents. What a source of love and stress in my life. It’s a good stress, but it’s still a stress, because my kids have six great ones. I always wonder if I could freeze time, would I want it to be around now? With two kids of memory-making ages, and six active, youthful grandparents? Oh yeah, and my kids have two active, youthful parents.
So, yes. There’s stress. There’s good stress where there’s love, because I’m never going to reach a point in which I’m not fiercely (and strangely silently/aloofly) wanting everyone to remain as they are – with all their faculties intact. (I think?) On upwards trajectories. Finding passions and paths. Figuring stuff out. Traveling, I hope. Building. Loving. LIVING. Giving?
And it’s just so good. Oh, so good. I still get nervous about the kids leaving tomorrow. I seem to get PTSD from my own experiences visiting grandparents as a kid. It was hard for me, as a kid of loss, to leave my one remaining parent. It was downright cruel, if you asked me then. I remind myself every day that they aren’t me. They aren’t me. They aren’t me.
Kids, I’m talking to you now. In my own words and from the heart, and not necessarily from correct historical standpoints. That should happen too, with research. Your great-grandparents led fascinating lives, all of them. Some are still alive today:
My father’s mother: I still have grief as big as an ocean for her. And you are named for her, Scarlet Bella. It’s hard to start, and not stop with Grandma Bella. She was the quintessential grandmother, though. She was funny and hungry, for life, and for rainbow sprinkles too. (that’s where we get it) Every wonderful grandmother on TV reminds me of her. Warm, loving and open, but with a closed side too. The inner pain. We all have it. It takes a strength to hide it and a strength to reveal it.
She passed away during the last day of my finals, first semester of my senior year of college. Her funeral was on a dry and sunny December day. Dry and sunny. December. During the ceremony, someone interrupted the Rabbi and told us all to look up in the sky. There was a double rainbow directly above us. We all saw it. One of the rainbows was vivid and one was faded. I had never seen a rainbow, much less a double rainbow, on a dry and sunny day in December. And I haven’t since.
A few years later, I was telling my co-worker the story. On a dry and sunny day in April. I walked out of my office for the day, looked up in the sky and saw a double rainbow. One was vivid and one was faded. I freaked out and ran back in to show him. He was flabbergasted. Oddly, this job was not at all far from the cemetery where my grandparents and father are buried.
My mother’s mother: Nana Jane lived to 100, which is nearly all you need to know about her! She didn’t just live, she lived on her own terms. She epitomized grace and dignity. Another thing that’s the only thing you need to know about her to know everything about her? She was still ordering her meals (& desserts) up until her death. She probably missed a few meals she had wanted. She read ahead with books sometimes, to know what happened at the end, and maybe to know it was all ok. I’ve never met someone with more of a passion for reading, so when she lost so much sight and sound, she had to make do. She did make do. She had a sweet tooth that is unmatched by anyone I know. Except maybe your Nana. And me. And you, Scarlet.
My father’s father: Grandpa Ben, of sound mind, sarcastic humor, and slipping kid-sized packs of M&Ms into our hands. He was known for speeding down the highway towards the beach, watching Grease (embarrassing!) with his granddaughters, and just being someone I wish I had known better as an adult. I think we would have been good friends. He has war stories, of which I’ve only heard a little, and an entire life I’d love to uncover more about. Perhaps that’s something I can still do.
My mother’s father: He also lived to 100, which shows you much about him! Being active helps a lot. He also kept his brain engaged until his 90’s – creating the kind of art that Rosie O’Donnell brought onto the Martha Stewart show. Perhaps I’ll let you two kids watch a video clip soon. He was one of a kind. I think he was a tougher father than he was grandfather. He tried really hard to make us happy. It worked. Des, you look like his clone. When I show people photos of him at your age?
Poppa Don’s mother: Grandma Helen is still alive. She is STRONG. Strong-willed. Strong voice. Strong opinions. Just strong. You have been lucky enough to meet her. Let yourself be inspired by everything she is and has been. She’s also the best cook of the bunch. Her food has been the stuff of dreams for decades. She has two kids, ten thousand grandkids, and 100,000 great-grandkids. Slight exaggeration, but you get the point. And she took me to see Who Framed Roger Rabbit in the theater!
Poppa Don’s father: Poppa Joe is literally the nicest person on the planet. I mean that. Generous and loving and pretty much the perfect Jewish grandfather. Every now and then I call him, which should be more often, and he’ll spout endless wisdom and love. I hope to be like that someday. Always growing, in the upwards direction.
Poppa Don’s first wife’s mother: Gran. Edith. She was something else entirely. I wasn’t as close with her as my three siblings were, but she also had the longevity/strength thing down pat. She passed away recently, but had a lot of love.
The “Who I Am” Project belongs to my friend and fellow blogger, Dana. It’s a way to create a virtual scrapbook of your life to tell your loved ones. It’s a year-long monthly series that goes live the third Tuesday of the month, and each topic will explore a piece of your story. By the end of 2016, you can expect to have written a record to pass on to the people in your life. You can include photos (of course I will) but this is mostly about words. You can link up once, twice, six times, or 12. You can do it on your own on a private file on your computer if you’re no blogger. Accessibility and levels of sharing are up to you.
Omg, how I loved your sharing of all the kids’ great-grandparents here and I did know a bit about Nana Jane and also your mom’s father from following and reading your blog in the past, but made me smile as I truly was thinking of my own grandparents, especially after today’s share over at Eli’s, as well as the post that I had written in the past and linked with Dana and Bev this time, as well. Looks like we both have some great memories and for that I know I am truly thankful more than words can even begin to express.
That’s why I was so happy to read your guest post today! It’s such amazing memories that we have, and that our kids can be lucky enough to have too!
Some of my nicest memories of childhood are from time spent with my grandparents! They lived in the mountains of New York in the small town where I was born. Although we moved to the Midwest when I was pretty young, I would go back and visit in the summers, sometimes for weeks at a time without my parents.
When my favorite grandmother was very old, she came to visit me here in Florida at my home, just the two of us. I think you know I do ceramic sculpture. I have one I did of her after she passed. I look at her beautiful face every day as she looks back at me.
Ahh, that’s so awesome. I have only done one ceramic sculpture ever, of my own face! My mom still keeps it to this day.
I love this Tamara. What a good idea to write down memories of the kids’ grandparents. Memories that aren’t put onto paper are often lost. How beautiful for your kids (and their kids) to be able to read your beautiful descriptions of their loved ones forever. [I think you’ll be ok…I hope you have a fun three days planned!]
Thanks! I do have lunch plans with a friend and a date with Cassidy, as well as just alone time to watch TV, go for a walk, go to Pure Barre, go to Five Guys (haha, maybe after Pure Barre)..
Tamara, I’m so glad you wrote for this month’s prompt – this is perfect! I knew two of my grandparents, and my kids know the four of theirs…for your kids to have six is such an amazing blessing. And it’s clear you know that, and foster those relationships. And to see things you loved about your grandparents reflected in your children, and to share that with them — that is a gift.
I gasped at the resemblance between Des and your grandfather – wow! Thank you so much for joining us this month, and for encouraging others to write their own stories. Next month’s will be kinda fun – stay tuned!
I gasped too! I wish it was a clearer photo of Des, but you get the point.
I love this prompt so much and I had no idea I’d do it until I did. I’m so glad I did!
Oh what a great post! Print this one up, scrapbook it. Something, anything but these stories will be so powerful for your children. What an amazing legacy of love your children have as part of their story on who they are as well.
I think and hope they appreciate it but they’re quite young. Sometimes I still think I’m learning to appreciate it all! Now that Scarlet can read, I’m looking forward to some blog posts for her to see!
I love this! This is so special to share with Scarlet and Des. Knowing all the fountains they sprang from. It’s living water that flows through us – a little from here, a little from there; all mixing into our own wonderful well. If we are very lucky, that well is Deep.
You could write a whole post on that thought! It certainly runs deep here. Just imagine all of Cassidy’s relatives too!
Of course when I sit down to actually write, my mind will be a complete blank. LOL
I know that’s right! When it has to come, it just does, though.
Oh my god I love this and never knew grandma helen took you to see Who framed Roger Rabbit?! Was I there? Your blog made me remember going to grandma’s as a kid and dreading it, missing mom, then LOVING every second of being there and super spoiled with the waitress game, Wizard of Oz, Grease of course, and shouting down the laundry shoot…..love love love..
Yes to the Waitress game and shouting down the laundry shoot! Too many memories. Just too many.
As for Roger Rabbit, I thought you were there? We were staying with them in Cranbury and went. Maybe Poppa Joe stayed home with some of you. Great film, though!
Grandparents are the best. My kids usually stay with them for a week during the summer. I miss them of course, but I also look forward to it. I’m so glad it looks like we’ll be moving closer to my parents.
My Nana Jo is currently 94. I hope she gets to 100. Or more.
Ah, I hope she gets to 100 or beyond! So awesome.
And very cool about getting to move closer to your parents. I wish we could but I could never go back to NJ.
Some of my greatest memories are the ones that I made with my maternal grandparents. I was very close to both of them and it was huge when we lost them.
It’s definitely still a huge struggle for me. I think it always will be.
What a lovely idea this is. I document stories here and there, but nothing on an organized scale. I think it might be time to start. I’d hate to lose those stories.
I’m the queen of having disorganized photos and stories. I suppose a blog is its own organizational tool, though, so we’re killing it!
I love all of your family photos and stories you share with us in your blogs, Tamara. How precious these pictures must be to you. The Who Am I Project is such a wonderful idea. I enjoy reading your blogs so much. This one is as special as it gets!
Thank you, Eddie! I’ll have to thank my friend Dana for coming up with this “Who I Am” project. It really makes you think.
what a beautiful introspective post on your family. this is such a gift for your children and their children!
Thanks! If they don’t know how lucky they are now, they truly will someday.
Wow. The photos are stunning, Tamara. Your kids are so very fortunate to have so many grandparents in their life! I like this idea for the link up. A virtual scapbook. 🙂
I love the idea so much, especially because I’ve never been able to get my act together and do a non-virtual scrapbook. I guess it’s not in my nature! This is, though.
This is beautiful, Tamara. The pictures, the sentiments and the treasured keepsake you’ve created for yourself and your children. xo
Thank you so much. I’m grateful that Dana came up with it. I think the meaning is so important, and I’m happy I decided to link up. I was afraid at first!
What a great idea. Thank you for sharing this beautiful project with us! The photos are gorgeous as usual so thank you for sharing those as liberally as you do, it is appreciated. I am not very organized when it comes to documenting but I went through my pictures on my phone (for the past 1.5 years) and man there were some stories in there.
I’m not very organized either. These photos are from last February! Currently I’m on last March, so I’m happy to be only 11 months behind. Sigh. I’m incorrigible.
I like how the blog and other social media platforms just sort of become virtual scrapbooks all on their own.
What a wonderful project, I would love to join in this. So many gorgeous pics, but the b&w with Des looking out the window, wow! I wish I had one day with you and a camera…pure magic.
Well you DO get great professional shots of all of you. So someone in Florida is awesome.
But I had a dream the other night that you all came to visit! It was fun and you were cold. I must have been reading your updates from Colorado so got it in my head.
I’m sure we will meet and I’ll have my camera.
Clearly so many of us think of YOU when we think about posts about love because this prompt definitely made me think of you, multiple times!
(Before I comment any further on love, it will definitely be harder for you than for Des to spend three nights at his grandparents’. When we left Eve at my parents’ for my trip last summer, I cried and spent every day happy but missing her and looking forward to seeing her. I think she barely noticed we were gone!)
This post. So beautiful! So many wonderful grandparents in your life. I got to know three of the four of mine, plus two great-grandmothers. I’m named after the one grandparent I did not get to know. I feel so fortunate that Eve knows all four of her grandparents and one great-grandfather, and that they’re all youthful and in great health. (Sam’s grandfather took up painting in his 80s!)
I love that story about Sam’s grandfather!
And I love even more that this prompt made me think of you. That must mean I’m doing something right, because I’ve always wanted to somehow be known for love. Love writing. Love photos. Love stories. Something!
The three nights went well. It wasn’t hard for the kids, but also not for me. I guess I really needed a break! I missed them, but it didn’t consume me. And three nights with just Cassidy was well needed.
What a beautiful tribute to the grandparents! The pictures are the sweetest, and the stories are beautiful 🙂
Thanks! And what’s funny is that it was her birthday (MIL in photos above) and I didn’t even show her this post as a birthday greeting. She’s in St. Augustine so maybe not on the internet much.
I can only imagine how hard this must have been for you to write. I only knew my maternal and fraternal grandmothers. My grandfathers were all gone by the time I was born. My own paternal grandmother lived to almost 100 and I swore that she would have lived to be 200. 🙂 Grandparents are amazing and I’m happy that Madison was able to meet my own parents before they both passed away and Des and Scarlet are both lucky to have 2 sets just for them. Loving the pics and the background story.
They even have three sets, which is just nutty to me. Wishing good health and many long years for all six of them. I’m glad Madison had that time with your mom.
I have been so blessed with my own grandparents, and my boys have been able to know their great-grandparents because everyone lives so long in my family! This was such a beautiful post, with the loveliest pictures. I’ll have to check into the “Who I Am” prompts – I’m intrigued!
You can subscribe on that link I referenced, to Dana’s blog. Then she’ll send you emails about once a month about the prompts. It’s awesome!
Such incredible history you are capturing. So great for your kids. Amazing stories, amazing lives. I love that rainbow story; watching over you for sure.
Every time I start to doubt.. things.. I just think of that rainbow story! I had a lot of witnesses that day, and we were all bewildered.
Beautiful. Beautiful photos and stories, Tamara. Grandparents really are wonderful, amazing people. I have such fond memories of mine and hope that my boys will always treasure their moments with theirs as well.
Treasures, for sure.
When people tell me they didn’t know any of theirs, or weren’t close to theirs, I’m always shocked. I just always felt like I had so many at once. I hope they knew I appreciated them.
Aw hoe wonderful your family is! I hope that the kids do well and what a wonderful time for them to connect with their grandparents! I miss mine as they have been gone for a while now, but the times with them are not forgotten.
That’s what I love. The times will never be forgotten. Scarlet still remembers Nana Jane (my mother’s mother) and that makes me happy. Des never will, but we sure have stories and photos. And he’s that splitting image of my mother’s father.
Scarlet was named for my father’s mother – Bella. Scarlet Bella.
I love this post! I only knew one of my grandparents, and only for a short time. I signed up for Dana’s prompts too…but have yet to write. Swamped.
I hope it’s a good swamped! Dana’s prompts are always poignant.
Love this! You are having some great memories. And preserving them for your children. Over the course of this year, I bet you will have something book-worthy.
I hope so! I keep wondering if I’ll ever really write a book, and what it will be about. I guess we’ll see!
What a sweet collection of descriptions and memories for your kids!! Love it & really miss my grandparents now! 🙂
I know! I miss mine so much.
This sounds like an awesome project. You had some awesome grandparents 🙂 And it’s great that your kids have six grandparents to give them lots of love.
It’s very cool. So many relationships to develop over the years. It’s been amazing so far.
This was such a sweet post. I do hope you’re printing this out for the babies. I hope you put together a book of your posts for both of them. Thanks for sharing your love letter. 🙂
XOXO
I have heard that you can put together your blog, or parts of it, into a book. Perhaps that will happen! And the love story part for Cassidy.
This made me all weepy and happy at the same time. I am so in love with this. I also had no idea that Dana’s challenge existed. I live in a black hole sometimes, I swear. Thank you for this post!
Dana is a friend I’ve met in person, and I didn’t even know about this prompt until last week! It’s hard to keep track sometimes!
Come link up!
You are so blessed to really know your grandparents by heart. I never had so much chance to do so with my grandfathers because they passed away when I was still very young. Both my grandmothers are alive though and I do get to spend some time with them. They’re both really strong women. I still love the fact that you have 2 grandparents who lived up to a hundred years. Amazing.
This is a really nice link-up! I hope to join in some other months.
That’s awesome. So Reiko knows his great-grandmothers. I loved that.
You should definitely link up some time!
What lovely memories. And I did gasp. Same haircut even.
Yup! I kept wondering about putting him in clothing from 1912.. how that might look.
How lucky to have family from multiple generations in your kids’ lives. Your story is an important reminder to chronicle the lives and personalities of our grandparents while we still can.
Wow. Des really does look like his great grandfather! Looks like he’ll grow up to be one handsome man!
This is just lovely, Tamara – the way you wrote, the HUGE love you have for all the grandparents, the amazing photos, and the stunning likeness between your son and his ancestor. How wonderful to have that affirmation of family and belonging, there in the flesh in front of you.
I hope the kids’ time away was wonderful, for them AND for you. I think you’re smart to keep telling yourself “They’re not ME”, because they’re meeting life from (what sounds like) a vastly different place – one of stability and absolute knowledge of the love you have for them, and their place in the world.
I just clicked back to see who I missed and was excited to see you there. I WAS almost one of the friends to forward you the prompt – thinking about you and Cassidy’s love story but this was perfect too – relationships with grandparents. WOW to Des’ Pop Pop. Just wow!