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What’s Going On?

“And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out what’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
“What’s going on?””

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Somewhere along the way, as I took a month to tell my Florida story, life moved on.

Life moved fast. Boy, did it. I’m usually someone who experiences time like molasses – sort of getting stuck and sticky and a little too sweet in certain places. I kept thinking about what I’d say when I finally got back here again for a more normal Friday post. I thought of so many things. Where I was a year ago vs now. How I’m coping with now vs a year ago. I wondered if personal, diary-style blogging is drying up, which it is and has been for years, and I wondered if that could ever happen to me. I don’t think so, but I know how things can change; how I can change. And I know that I write to find out: what’s going on? Sometimes it heals and helps, and sometimes it digs too deep too fast, but I know it never hurts. It stings and aches and causes pain, but I know it never hurts the process or the progress. So I write to heal and I write to help.

I write sometimes to sting and to ache as well. It’s the process and the progress.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Something about being 40+ is accepting the finite amount of time we only really think we have; sort of a best case scenario thing. I’m not sure why that doesn’t kick in sooner, but it doesn’t. Sometimes I’ll smell something rich and summery, like cut grass or a certain wildflower, and I’ll actually think, “I can’t believe there comes a time where you will never smell flowers again.” And I do not mean to go down the existential route, because I’m not in that place anymore. I think the scar that the last year left me was to tell me how ordinary I am. I’ve always been a “beat the odds” and rebellious sort of person. If I hear something sad or hopeless or discouraging, I usually like to prove it wrong. Sometimes I did/do. Maybe enough. Of course with a life marked by early tragedy, it’s not like I thought I’d never go through hardships, but I always saw myself as getting to a safe space where certain things can’t happen again. I don’t know what specifically. Physical ailments. Emotional ailments. Panic attacks and allergy attacks, and who knows what. Or maybe I thought they’d happen but I’d be better equipped to deal with them. Really, isn’t that enough?

It’s what I’m working on. There’s nothing 100% safe, but it’s higher. And that is enough.

The thing is, life kept happening while I was writing my travel story. And with the next trip coming up next week (Rochester with my mom and three boys), I’m sure I’ll have lots more to tell you then. So for now, it’s all about the in-between, which has actually been VERY exciting.

To start, we’re working on our house/garden! Solar panels, paved driveway, farmstand soon.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

There have been a LOT of cargo bike rides lately. I got it tuned up and have gotten a lot more comfortable riding. I rode behind Des to school twice, which was one of his big dreams before elementary school ended, and he locked his bike and went into school. At the end of the school day, I rode to school and we rode home together. We’ve been tracking some baby geese, and also going to a local farm market for milk and treats. Daily! Sometimes with Scarlet and Des.

And always with the little ones.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Work has been weird – slow in some spaces and steady in others. There’s always some income stream that’s going strong and I have changed it up a bit during the years. The little ones need me a lot during the mornings. We’re playing around with daycare or preschool for Rider this year, but he won’t start kindergarten for three years, so we can be flexible. I’m trying to work smarter and not harder. There needs to be room for hammock naps too. That’s what’s going on.

The everlasting balance of work and parenting and fun, and how they co-exist and intermingle.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

We had our favorite house guests (who aren’t family members) over for a quick 24 hours, and that was fun for mocktails, great food, and walking around our city. Seeing it through new eyes.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

There has been a lot going on with the older kids! Sure, the little ones change fast. Sawyer is 14 months and not yet walking, but he can talk up a storm. He can pretty much mimic anything we say, but even says little phrases when he wants something. As for Des, he got his braces off! He also entered a big yo-yo competition and was INCREDIBLE. And he graduated fifth grade.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

As for Scarlet, she graduated 8th grade! She hated her middle school so it’s onward and upward. She had her final middle school band concert and rocked a nice saxophone solo. She has a lot of camp this summer (7-8 weeks of it, to be exact) and recently repainted her room. Her birthday is coming up soon and I will have been a mama for 14 years. She continues to be cool, kind, & fun.

The two of us have been watching “Schitt’s Creek” for the first time.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

I went to the One Roof: Concert for the Homeless and totally 90s-nerded out to Toad the Wet Sprocket and Gin Blossoms. Toad played SIX of my favorite of their songs, and even started with my #1 favorite (Windmills). They played two of my top three favorites. Gin Blossoms played my favorite (Until I Fall Away), and were amazing on stage. I was a little sad when it was over, but I’m seeing Bruce Hornsby live in Rochester next week and I booked tickets to see him in September so we will make do. Two nights ago, he played in NJ, near my hometown, and ON THE SAME NIGHT, Toad played another venue, near my hometown. And The Cure played MSG the same night. My brain nearly can’t handle this excitement. And THAT, my friends, is what’s going on.

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

Wake in the morning and I step outside, And I take a deep breath and I get real high, And I scream from the top of my lungs: What's going on?

I am looking forward to many, many summer hijinks with this crew.

“25 years and my life is still
Tryin’ to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination, mmm”

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3 Comments

  1. I ❤️ all these pics Tamara, and the video of Des showing us how it’s Really Done when it comes to mastering yo-yo tricks and techniques. Congratulations To You Scarlet!! With middle school behind you now I hope you’ll enjoy your entire High School Experience. Have A Fun Summer Scarlet and Des! This was one of the standout songs of the 90’s from their only album. Linda Perry is from Springfield, and for a time was singing for her supper while she was living in San Francisco, performing on street corners, and working as a waitress.

  2. That is one of my favorite songs! You definitely have a lot going on for sure. I CANNOT believe Scarlet will be 14. She was just a little one with big eyes and gorgeous curls a hot second ago. Wow. Des’ smile post-braces looks so handsome. That is one of the best feelings ever, to get them off and feel your smooth teeth with your tongue. 🙂

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