What To Expect. Not.

When I was pregnant with Scarlet, I was given a copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Some people love it. Some people hate it. I eventually loved it but I couldn’t even crack it open until the second trimester. It was for the same reason that I recently looked back at my babycenter.com account and learned I didn’t sign up for it until January of 2009. My second trimester. With both the book and the website, I didn’t like being told what I should feel like for fear I’d start feeling just like I’d read I should feel. I’m too nutty for that!

I didn’t find out about my pregnancy until about six weeks gestational age. It’s not ridiculously late but enough time had passed to allow early pregnancy symptoms to show on their own and not through the power of suggestion. They weren’t bad but they came across as strange since I was in a state of denial that I was pregnant. Sleeping a lot more. “Umm…cause it’s fun.” I hate the smell of garlic and I didn’t hate it yesterday. “Umm..maybe that’s one of those extreme stress symptoms?” My period was over a week late. “Umm..another stress symptom?” Once I learned that I was pregnant and not insane, I finally cracked open “What To Expect.” Then I instantly snapped it back shut. Literally every single page about the first trimester is about puking. It’s the most vomit-obsessed book in existence. “Vomiting yet? You will be! Work life will change…because you will be vomiting. Your sex life will change…because of the vomiting. Your diet will change…because you won’t be able to keep any food down. Do you like good oral hygiene? I hope not because brushing your teeth will make you vomit!”

I may be paraphrasing a bit but that’s how it read to me.

And, you see, not only wasn’t I vomiting, I never even came close. It didn’t end there. Eventually I opened that book and found it very helpful in telling me about the baby’s growth and size. It turns out that stomach ailments are just symptoms in the beginning. Symptoms don’t end in the first trimester, oh no. Then what to expect isn’t much more fun.

Acne? Nope. My skin was never better.

Mood swings? Never. I cried in the opening minutes of “Up” but who doesn’t??

Charlie horses? I had a really bad one…once.

Heartburn? I had it so badly that I couldn’t lie down…once.

Swollen feet? Maybe slightly at the very, very end but barely. I could wear my normal size shoes within a few days after she was born.

Strange cravings? Not really. I did want fruit a lot in the beginning but it was only because of my extreme thirst. I still loved chocolate, potatoes and whipped cream. It wasn’t weird to want those things.

Peeing all the time? Seriously, never. Not even at the end!

Slowing down and feeling unbalanced? Not really. At eight months, I was still getting annoyed at how slowly people walk in public. At nine months, I was still climbing stairs and doing everything as usual. The only thing I couldn’t do anymore was to get up from the couch fast. I missed that a lot. I missed sleeping flat on my back too.

I was the most non-pregnant pregnant woman.

Then there was after the birth and the horrors I was told to expect. None of it happened. Incontinence? Nope. Hemorrhoids? I still don’t know what those are. Stretch marks? None. Breast milk nipple leakage? Not once. Yes, I just said nipple leakage on my blog.

I realize how obnoxious this may all sound, but I don’t even look at it as me saying it. I look up to my past self as some sort of superhero. I’m not sure why I had it so good. I suppose it was a mixture of things: good genes, good health, youth, athleticism, a good mind/body connection, and the power of positive thinking.

It gives me a lot to live up to this time around, but I look forward to the challenge. It’s just funny how I had to tune out so many voices, both in person and in my pregnancy books. Every situation is unique. I had to learn to let the horror stories roll off my back so that I could create my own unique, happy pregnancy.

It doesn’t have to be horrible. It might be, but it doesn’t have to be. They told me about all of those pregnancy symptoms. They told me my newborn would cry all day long. They told me I’d never get good sleep again.

“They” were wrong. That time. It remains to be seen whether I can be that lucky again. What I do know is, don’t read that book unless you’re stronger than I was! You can never know what to expect and it might be best not to expect the worst.

And like I said, it doesn’t have to be bad. Whenever I see a newly pregnant person, I want to hug them and tell them to tell the rest of the world to shut up. My one piece of advice? Tell everyone to shut up. Listen to yourself.

I’m learning how to do that again. It’s pretty awesome.