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We’re Still Fighting It

“Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
And you’re so much like me
I’m sorry”

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

I don’t even know who I’d sing this song to. Which one of them? None? All?

Let me tell you what, the years go on, and holy heck it’s been a week. I ALWAYS say that. It’s so boring! Except it’s not boring. It’s always sorta funny when I walk or Zoom into therapy, and my therapist is like, “How was your week? How do you feel about our last session?” And I always have to laugh that 27 things have happened since then, and it can feel fuzzy, or dim. And being that EMDR can’t change the past like time travel, but totally changes your reactions to it, that makes perfect sense! Feeling fuzzy or dim or disconnected is ok. It doesn’t take away from the magnitude of what happened. So if 27 heady things have happened since I delved into “The Flash Technique,” where I explored broken hearts and broken dreams and trauma, somehow we can invite those into the session. Another crazy week? Ok. Maybe one day we’ll have a boring one.

I mean, probably not, but a girl can dream.

The only way I can really think to write this post, is to go against my normal formula and to use my travel formula. That means I go day by day, even in the meatiest of days, and tell the stories:

Saturday, April 6th: We really left off on Friday, and my parents came for the weekend that evening. Saturday was a big day! It was Sawyer’s second birthday, and Des’ Northeast Regional YoYo Contest! So after a morning of a great breakfast, and too much caffeine for what I had to do, we went in three separate cars to Mass Mutual Center for the contest. Cassidy took the long shift and was there ALL DAY with Des. The rest of us, with some grandparents, came to see Des’ division. Scarlet had helped him choose the song: Strasbourg St. Denis, after she had played it for jazz band. He chose it the night before and built his routine to it! To me, he was flawless:

They stayed at the contest all day for the results, and the rest of us scattered to go home, do errands, or doze on the couch. We had just ordered dinner, when Cassidy and Des came home. He came in third in his division!! We were all so exhausted and overwhelmed and purely happy for him. We had an Italian feast from a place called Antonio’s and then had delicious cupcakes.

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Sunday, April 7th: We woke up with YoYo and cupcake hangovers and after I dropped the puppies off for a four hour training, we had brunch plans at Gombo in Northampton. It was EXQUISITE! I got biscuits and sausage gravy, with eggs, home fries, and a side of cheesy grits. We got more than enough beignets for the entire table. Sawyer behaved(ish) after the staff gave him things to play with and eat. Lucy briefly ate at the table. It was delicious. After brunch, my parents left, we got our puppies back, and I took all four kids to Target for a work assignment. All nice.

And the sun came out.

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Monday, April 8th: Ah, Monday. We had plans to all go together up to Vermont for a friend’s eclipse party. Total eclipse. I had some reservations of all that it takes to get dogs watched and toddlers in road trip gear, but we packed up the car and left almost on time. Right away, the world was weird. We hit traffic in the middle of nowhere and IT WASN’T ECLIPSE TRAFFIC. It was construction traffic, because ONLY Massachusetts would plan construction on a major highway that leads to Vermont on the one day that highway will be loaded. It’s mind-boggling. It didn’t stop us from racing towards meeting Cassidy’s mom in a commuter lot to add her to our car, when, if you can believe this, Sawyer threw up in his carseat. I have NO idea what happened. He’s never done that. We knew we couldn’t spend upwards of 10 hours in a car with that, so we had to turn around. Cassidy’s mom and husband wound up taking Scarlet, who was very happy to leave Sawyer, and they had a magical freaking time. We got Sawyer home and clean, and he was fine! No fever and keeping down food and water. So we watched our partial eclipse with our special glasses, and enjoyed the sun, and waited for Scarlet to return much later that night.

From what I heard, the total eclipse was life-altering. Maybe, someday.

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Tuesday, April 9th: The only good thing I can say about Tuesday, is that Sawyer got celebrated at daycare for his birthday. And he was so proud to wear his little homemade birthday crown. I think it was later that day that Lucy re-tore her ACL, after having healed pretty far along from the original injury in February. It’s totally crushing and I hate it. I know two things about it – it’s serious and it’s treatable. The surgeon who fixed Astro can’t see her until late April. Like I said. Crushed.

Luckily there was some sunshine and bubbles.

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Wednesday, April 10th: Wednesday came in like a freight train. Lucy was hurting, and the puppies couldn’t eat before their spaying surgery. They were all so confused and sad, and there’s nothing worse than three frantic huskies, and rain. Seriously awful. Cassidy got them to the vet, and I got the little ones to daycare. I had a little (actually a lot) of work to do, and then I had therapy at home on Zoom. That was productive and strange. Cassidy had a dentist appointment right when we were told to pick the puppies up, and they were ok, but they were very confused and drugged and in pain. It took about 45 minutes to discharge the puppies and take them home and begin any food or medication we could. Plus, cone collars. Say no more. If all of that isn’t insane enough, I went alone that night, in the rain, to see my best friend from high school do a book reading for her new book, Habitations. Oh, the highs and lows. I felt so strung and wrung out at home, and then so refreshed racing through the rain to get to her book reading. I was mistaken for an undergrad and that made my day. Sheila was happy to see me, I was happy to see her, and we made plans for breakfast the next morning. I also got some Insomnia Cookies.

A wonderful end to a frenzied day.

Let me tell you what, The years go on and, We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it, And you're so much like me, I'm sorry

Thursday, April 11th: It needs to be said that my short stories do no justice to the ear-splitting insanity that home life is, by the way. I just need to get that out. I haven’t even mentioned all the places all four kids have had to go. The endless drop-offs and pickups and the fact that they all need to eat regularly, and we need food at home. ANYWAY. Thursday morning found me crying about Lucy’s pain. Of course the tension between the rest of us was thick. Lots of sighing and eye rolling, I’m sure. This sh*t is not for the weak. And sometimes I feel weak, and I do a bad job of it all. Somehow everyone got to where they needed to go. I was very creative and set up a baby monitor in the living room so that it was positioned on the puppies’ cage. That way I could watch them from wherever I was, and make sure they weren’t licking their stitches. I could even talk to them (which I did)! I met Sheila for breakfast at Inn on Boltwood. We got egg dishes and yogurt to split, and talked each other’s ears off for two hours or so. Very bittersweet to say goodbye for now. Then, she was off to the Boston area, and I was off to do birthday errands for Cassidy, then work, and then the chaos of Thursday nights. It wasn’t even a normal Thursday night! Scarlet was at the school budget meeting until 10:00pm or so. Crazy night! And then Friday found me out at a birthday party until 10:00pm or so and now I’m back and writing this, and planning Cassidy’s birthday tomorrow! Until we meet again!

“Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
You’ll try and try and one day, you’ll fly
Away from me”

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2 Comments

  1. That was quite a week. First of all, Des was AMAZING. I’m so impressed. I can’t imagine the hours it takes to be able to do that. I hope he feels an incredible sense of accomplishment.

    It also sounds like mixed in with all the “normal” family stuff there was some special/fun moments. Those are what you are likely to remember, right?

    Partial eclipse here as well.. sort of underwhelming. But my daughter lives in Dallas and got the full-on experience, which did seem pretty cool!

  2. Happy Birthday🎂 To You Cassidy! I hope you’re still enjoying your birthday party! Happy Belated Birthday🎂 to Sawyer, and Congratulations Des for finishing in Third Place in the Northeast Regional Final! 👏🏼👏🏼 👏🏼 What a week of activity for the Bowmans, and all of you came in First Place for “fighting” through it! 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 l hope all of your dogs will heal quickly and completely Tamara! Very Sweet song and video from Ben to his son, Louis, and he wrote another one with a video for his little daughter Gracie. The songs end very suddenly, and you want both songs to continue on and on just as their lives do.

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