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We Can Be Heroes, Just For One Day

“Though nothing will drive them away
We can be heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day”

We can be heroes. We're nothing, and nothing will help us. Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay. We could be safer, just for one day

In the last few days, Rider has discreetly gone from officially being a newborn, to not being one.

And although I yearned and yearned for this time to move fast, faster, and fastest when it was Des getting to this point, it breaks my heart this time. That little furrowed and screaming and red-faced bundle of joy and pain and wonder and nipple pain. It breaks the heart. He’s still so little. Three months is, well, amazing. He belly laughs and has a strong neck. True that he uses it to bobble around and whine for more milk, but it’s strong. During time on his stomach, he has rolled over twice. He uses his legs to make crawling motions, like a crab stuck in the sand, while simultaneously sucking on his fists. He has wisdom and intelligence and good looks, oh my.

cute baby boy in rainbow leveret pajamas on boppy lounger

I think he may even be getting more hair, and probably rubbing it off in the back too! He is SO likable and SO lovable and so, so, so liked and loved. You can put him down in his bassinet, smile and pat his chest, and then retreat slowly, backwards, out the door. He is what 2020/2021 needs.

He is what I need; when crying out sometimes in pain, and that beautiful and wise face looks back. He is the hero I need, and he believes I’m the hero he needs. Sometimes, I even believe it.

We can be heroes. We're nothing, and nothing will help us. Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay. We could be safer, just for one day

In the last few months, the linea nigra on my stomach has been fading discreetly, and almost against my will. It’s quiet in this place, until it isn’t. Some things you watch fade, and others are suddenly gone when you think to look again. When you pop your head back up from the sad underground. In fact, my belly button is back to being an “innie” and back to its old skin color. It is sad and hopeful to shed these mementos; to heal. As we both become unfurled – stretching with our strong necks and bright eyes. Our youthful innocence and this unexplainable wisdom.

My heart is breaking and it is broken; healing and healed.

We can be heroes. We're nothing, and nothing will help us. Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay. We could be safer, just for one day

It has not been an easy road, and most of it is a blur. I know that in between my blurred and tear-filled vision, I have done and have seen it all. I wish it had been easier until now. My heart breaks for the breastfeeding troubles that have had/still have me wincing when he reaches for me. I can be his hero and reach back for him, and I can be my own hero and find good solutions through the troubles. My heart breaks for the pandemic that has kept him from our extended family. For the dark troubles in our nation that actually haven’t gotten better in decades, and probably won’t for many more, if ever. My heart breaks for the deaths and illnesses among loved ones; for the fears of it all. My heart lifts for the hopes of the vaccine, and the everyday heroes.

Oh, so much.

“We’re nothing, and nothing will help us
Maybe we’re lying, then you better not stay
But we could be safer, just for one day”

pretty little girl playing ukulele

Yet, things ARE changing; have changed. Conversations are happening; have happened. Voters have spoken, and so have protestors. Fact-checkers are constantly fact-checking, and meme-makers have a strong meme-making game, no matter how fast the ship is sinking. I am finding answers to questions I asked myself as a child; through YEARS of Holocaust and World War 2 studies in Hebrew School and in college. I asked myself who I would be and what I would do, if two sides, if eight sides were all screaming in what sounded to me – like nonsense. Would I retain who I am, and do what I needed to do, and never, ever, ever (ever, ever, ever) give in to that nonsense? Would I NEVER start to hear that nonsense turn into dark logic? Now, I know.

I would never, ever, ever (ever, ever, ever) give in. But, I have to do more to prove that.

“I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them forever and ever
Oh, we can be heroes, just for one day”

These days, kindness and wisdom seem embedded in our children, and hopefully, our children’s children. Our little wishes and dreams are imprinted upon them, like little kisses of light – on their foreheads and cheeks and noses – that burst and take on new lives of their own. These mini shooting stars will travel, and it will take both seconds and light years, until they get to their destinations. Sparking new conversations and changes; lights and hearts and thoughts.

We can be heroes. We're nothing, and nothing will help us. Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay. We could be safer, just for one day

And know this. When he calls out for me in the night, I am the hero he needs, and when I’m bogged down by politics and COVID and gloomy days; when I’m barely noticed, in pain, and in no position to find the right healing, he is the hero I need. He only needs one look at my face, and his little (big) eyes search mine. I see them going from one eye to the other. He finds what he needs; has always needed, and really only needs right now, and he settles. A smile bursts through his face right then, and I swear it. I swear it. It damn near lights up as big as the sun.

baby boy smiles during tummy time

“Though nothing will keep us together
We could steal time, just for one day
We can be heroes forever and ever
What’d you say?”

“Heroes” was song #20 on our birthing playlist.

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9 Comments

  1. Omg, I cannot believe how quickly he is growing and how big he is getting. Truly the pics made me smile and so what I needed after this crazy, long week here. Hugs, my friend <3

  2. Rider is so cute and brightens my feed. Yes, we can be heroes and we need heroes now more than ever. I can’t get over how quickly he is growing!

  3. Isn’t it crazy how quickly they exit the newborn stage? He looks so much older already. And by the way, so does Scarlet. I can just see her in the “long legs” stage, when it seems they just grow legs. I was a failure at nursing, so if you ever feel like going the formula route, I can tell you that they turn out fine. If you stick with it, I wish it to get less painful quickly:)

  4. He really is beautiful. I am so sorry you are having trouble breastfeeding. I didn’t get the chance with the twins (NICU and there were two!), but Aud was a champ. Cam, not so much. It was a struggle and he eventually weaned himself without my consent at about 6 months. It was sad. Finally, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be experiencing such a joyful time in you life during such a Tumultuous period. I am so sorry. Stay safe and turn the tv off!

  5. Rider is absolute perfection. Another heartbreaker on the way. 🙂 Love, love, love your words here, Tamara. Always your storytelling, feelings, expression, are exceptional.

    Hey, I love that forest wall paper/mural! Is that one of the new rooms in your home? But yeah, the political situation: It’s hard not to feel the fear and pain of it all. It will pass in time. Soon, I hope!

    I think you could publish a book of all of your Friday posts. Your writing is as beautiful as your photography. I would buy that book. Many would buy that book and cherish your honesty and your stories.

  6. All of these heartfelt ❤️ comments have already said everything l’m thinking and feeling now, and each photo adds so much more to my inner joy! David Bowie tells an entertaining story about where and how this song was inspired, and emotionally moving accounts of a concert performance so near to the Berlin Wall, and another performance after the wall came tumbling down. I’m also thinking of Enrique Inglesias with his world smash hit single, “Hero.” Especially the lyric: “I can be your hero baby.”

  7. That smile does melt you. We all need heroes these days and I am happy you share snippets of your heroes with us so we can all smile 🙂

  8. I can’t believe how quickly he’s growing. I said the same thing of my nephew. Just yesterday I held him as a newborn. Now he and I are getting into trouble together. They grow up way too fast.

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