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Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Don’t REALLY wake me up. I’m not really sleeping. I find September to be deliciously delightful and deliriously scary.

(The look on her face, right? If you can see it.)

Yes, it can be all of that. And of course, more. I had another title for this post and I can’t remember it because it came during a dream. This is a post about forgetting and I forgot my own title. I also remember what I don’t want to remember – like eating a bitter food in a dream. Often, you can spit it out or at least wake up before it gets too suffocating. Then it drifts away, as both bad and good dreams do, and you go on with your day. Today the dream was more intense than usual – it’s like nothing I’ve ever eaten before or would. It was a sweet. A bittersweet. It was as awful as any nightmare foods can be, and as unlike the beautiful reality of chocolate salted pie and rainbow sprinkles. (but not together) I was suffocating and I woke up and couldn’t shake it. Not through my shower, eating a piece of cookie for breakfast, or getting the kids ready for school.

I couldn’t shake it at Des’ daycare or the beginning of Scarlet’s school day, but I did shake it out over pie and friends and running into the last person you’d want to see at a pie bar (your own doctor) and then a LulaRoe party in which I modeled.

(Much more teal in real life.)

So shake it out.

Instead of trying too hard to remember something, just put your brain on auto-pilot and have it work it out. Instead of trying too hard to forget something, just put your heart on auto-pilot, and watch in wonder, how it will work it out.

The things I’ve forgotten, like pictures unedited and words never written or said. Text messages and emails unanswered and feelings pushed aside. I’m walking around in a bit of a daze this week. I think there’s no words (or feelings) that I know of, to describe what it’s like to live one of your wildest dreams and then walk around like nothing happened, except no one thinks nothing happened, and it’s not like I try to pretend nothing happened. It’s just that life goes on. Earth-shatteringly or not.

Things need to be remembered. No matter how they make you feel. Especially with how they make you feel.

(That face, though!)

There are so many things I can’t start, because I’m so afraid I’d never be able to stop.

There are so many things I start, because I’m so afraid I will stop.

Sometimes, the things I forget are the things I most want to remember.

So sometimes, as it happens, the photos are unedited and the words are unwritten and unsaid. The messages are unanswered and the feelings are brushed aside. The things I had forgotten, are never really things I have forgotten, but sometimes they’re things that would consume me otherwise. So they pile up, like heaps and stacks, of physical things and mental things and emotional things. Sometimes, everything is tender to the touch. Sometimes, my skin is so thick I can’t believe it. Sometimes they all come roaring up and out at once, like a long scream, or like a slow drip, and it’s births and bursts, like this:

Not too late, after all.

Everything is always on time, in its own way, in its right place. Roaring up and out.

I start, because what does it say about me if I stop? I stop, because what does it say about me if I started?

“Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost”
— Green Day”

This might make no sense at all? And that’s ok – I’ve forgotten my point anyway. I think it’s in the 4th paragraph, though.

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “The Things I’ve Forgotten.” And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin on any of the matters: HERE.

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61 Comments

  1. I truly love this “Things need to be remembered. No matter how they make you feel. Especially with how they make you feel.” I feel the same way and have been remembering so much more lately. I think it may have to do with my mom’s birthday coming up next week. BTW as soon as I saw the title of your post, I started singing along to Green Day’s song of the same title. 🙂

    1. That really might have to do it, my friend. So sorry. My father’s birthday was June 15th and he died on July 2nd so those two anniversaries are like a two-one punch to my gut.
      And yes, Green Day has been in my head now for days!

  2. Hard to beat Janine to first! I’ve had those dreams that are hard to shake. I still have a few that feel like true, experiential memories. Once you talk about them with someone else, they become permanent parts of the past! Your kids have such a great life.. I want to wear a cape and sit on giant mushrooms:)

  3. I can relate to the dream feeling…I’ve definitely had those. And ones so good I was kinda sad to wake up and for them to end.
    And that feeling you have been experiencing after Alaska? I kinda felt that way when I brought Eve home from the hospital. Like this huge, momentous thing just happened and I brought a baby into this world and life was continuing on as normal. It was also a Tuesday morning when we went home so definitely work as normal and it all felt so….weird.

    1. So totally with the dream thing. I get weird anxiety dreams, but I never get the naked in public one. I STILL have dreams I have a college final for a class I never attended or studied for. Ugh! And for years I had the “school bus is leaving” dreams. Man, it never even happened in real life.

      There’s a weird letdown when you bring a baby home from the hospital. I really got that. Twice!

  4. That’s a really cool mushroom slide in the pictue above. I forget so much, but my son has told me that eating more red fruits and vegetables will help with my memory.

  5. I love this. And it absolutely makes sense. Especially this: “The things I had forgotten, are never really things I have forgotten, but sometimes they’re things that would consume me otherwise. So they pile up, like heaps and stacks, of physical things and mental things and emotional things. Sometimes, everything is tender to the touch. Sometimes, my skin is so thick I can’t believe it.”

    1. Really?? That means so much! I was worried it was a post falling flat, but I couldn’t seem to stop the flatness and I couldn’t seem to not publish.

  6. Even with my photographer’s wife eye, I can’t ever tell when you haven’t edited a photo. I also think (if there was a flaw) regular people just tend to look at the subject of the photo so don’t sweat that editing stuff. Your pictures are always great.

    The red dress is totally you!

    Oh and it one picture I saw wow Des looks like Cassidy, then another he looks just like you. Isn’t that something?

    1. Thank you! Some of them are unedited and some are edited. Well to rephrase that, ALL are edited because I only shoot RAW so even the fact of turning them into jpegs is editing. Sometimes I have to add contrast and color. With the Alaska photos, they look worse if I change a thing. That’s Alaska for you!!

      People often say Des looks like me, although he has Cassidy’s build through and through. I see my maternal grandfather totally in him!

  7. THIS WAS SO GOOD! Also thank you for Florence and the Machine- love ’em! It all made 100% sense to me.
    I had a dream I was speaking fluent Spanish the other night, I speak spanglish. 😀
    This morning I had a dream I tried to shake off because I kept thinking how was it going to end. I woke myself up before it ended. I laid in bed rationalizing how it wouldn’t have gone bad or have happened in real life. Then I got mad at myself for working myself up over something that didn’t happen in real life. BUT WHAT DID IT MEAN!?!?
    XOXO

    1. Ah, thank you!!! I was wondering if this post was totally useless, but then all of my favorites are seeing something in it so I’m super happy about it.
      Spanglish! (I love that movie, by the way)

      That dream! Ugh. I have been there!! WHAT DID IT MEAN, INDEED!

  8. Most of my dreams are forgotten, like even when I just wake up. Some days lots of things are coming at me and like you said, I just don’t let them all in and other days I they kind of win and it gets me down. Hope you are having an awesome day!

    1. Thank you! I had a few awesome days since I wrote this. It’s strange how some dreams stay vividly, some disappear completely, and others are remembered in waves – at least for a short while.

  9. I forget my dreams all of the time! Even though they seem so vivid and I can’t imagine I could forget them come the morning. Who am I kidding though I forget my children’s names sometimes and they just look at me hoping that I will finally call them the right name. I think I really need to look into LuLaRoe. I am definitely missing something in my life!

    1. LulaRoe was certainly missing in my life. Now I actually look forward to fall weather. Who knew??
      I totally call my kids and my pets by each other’s names. Shh…

  10. “Sometimes, the things I forget are the things I most want to remember.” <<— This. So much. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the middle of a moment with my kids thinking "Don't forget this. Don't ever forget this moment." And then, the only thing I remember is telling myself to remember. It's gone. But there will be new moments. New times.

  11. I think sometimes we get lost in those not forgetting places and we’re not sure how to carry on. Sometimes I think we try so hard to remember and to find what’s different that we end up forgetting anyway or seeing that nothing and everything is both different and the same.

    I know sometimes I want to go back in time, but not really. I only want certain things to be different while I remain the same as I am now. I also want things to change, but without me changing too, maybe because I’m feeling good or maybe because I’m afraid that I’ll feel differently and I won’t know what or how to be. 🙂

    1. My mom says something similar. How sometimes she wants to go back in time to see loved ones, but it’s almost like things all happen in a cyclical fashion. And we can’t have everyone we love all together. Although it’s nice to want that..

  12. I totally get the dream state. Right now, with everything that is going on, I feel like I am floating through mud. If that makes sense. I am stuck in a hazy fog, floating, drudging, slowly, but forward, nonetheless. At least, I think I am moving forward.

  13. I have forgotten so much – like I forgot to write a post and link up! I can tell you one thing I started and I will never do a again – binge watch a show on NetFlix that has seven (22 episode) seasons. I have forgotten everything an almost everyone in my life – because of the Gilmore girls. Never again.

  14. Beautiful dresses, beautiful children, beautiful pictures. Sweet post and it’s easy to tell it’s heartfelt. Everything is always on time, in its own way, in its right place. Love those words.

  15. first, Janine is the Greatest Of All Time when it comes to commenting. Next, remembering things has become a serious issue so I’ve got my trusty planner and finally some help with life stuffs. that helps a bunch too!

  16. You look so adorable modeling your outfits, missy! CUTE CUTE CUTE (also love that red dress!!). I love the music sensibility of this post. I couldn’t think of who wrote the lyric in the title but you reminded right there at the end 🙂 And I feel like there’s possibly a Radiohead lyric in there too but perhaps that was unintentional (“everything in its right place”). Also Florence and the Machine. I thought about them earlier…

    Sorry, I’m sure this post had nothing to do with the notes I picked up. Or perhaps it did. Regardless, I like where it’s taken my brain and I love the mushroomed playground and capes and Des’s little cheeky face 🙂 He looks like he’s up to something.

    In regards to your previous post. I friggin love butterfingers SO MUCH. Also, did I know your sister had babies two weeks apart?! I don’t think so, but how neat! 🙂 XO

    1. That red dress, right? I saw the style on hangers and thought they looked like burlap sacks of nothing. I tried on the red one for kicks and it felt like comfy magic! Now I want 16 of them!!!

      The title is a Green Day song!! And thank you for finding Radiohead in there too, eagle eyes!!!

      BUTTERFINGERS yes. As for my sisters, they were due two months apart, which goes to show you how scary it was when my older sister gave birth so early. He’s doing GREAT now, though! Preemie status forgotten. Nearly.

  17. You made me laugh (my point is somewhere in the fourth paragraph) – I can relate to writing that way sometimes.

    I admit I was distracted by trying to figure out what book you are reading – it’s in so many of the photos but I can’t read the title or author. Let me know please!

    1. I usually have a point, I think? Well, most of the time. With this post, I confused myself. So thank you!!!
      As for the book, these are old photos (shame on me) but I was able to zoom in on my photos in my gallery and it’s “The Children’s Crusade.” And I was thinking I learned of that book from YOU, actually!

  18. I used to have this recurring dream all the time. It was one of those ones that always had you feeling like someone was sitting on your chest and your dream brain is screaming at your real time brain to Wake Up Wake Up Right Now!!! And you have the startled kind of wake up that leaves you shaking all day long, and you’re actually afraid to go to sleep again that night. Yeah. They stopped during my first pregnancy. I don’t even remember what they were about – I mean vague details, but not what was so terrifying. I guess the moral of the story is once you are filled with Life…
    well, there’s a point there somewhere. For now, it’s good enough to know that Scarlett has the same super girl costume as ZooZoo and that means little girls all over the world, time and distances apart, are still living their super dreams.

    1. I have that Super Girl costume too, so I’m living that same dream. Still!!

      I’m glad the terrifying and recurring dream stopped. I have had recurring ones that stopped over time too. Like the dang one about the school bus coming and it’s somehow still night and I miss the bus.

      Didn’t happen once in real life! And if it had, well, I would have survived, one would think!

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