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Until I Fall Away, I Won’t Keep You Waiting Long

“I want to tell if I am or am not myself
It’s hard to know
How far or if at all could go
I’ve waited far too long
For something I forgot was wrong
I don’t know all the answers
I think that I’ll find
Or have it within the time
But it’s all that I’ll have in mind
Until I fall away
I won’t keep you waiting long”

I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find, Or have it within the time, But it's all that I'll have in mind, Until I fall away, I won't keep you waiting long

It’s always funny, isn’t it, that what bothers you about others really bothers you about yourself.

And I can see that. I also think that sometimes someone is just a right a-hole, or racist, or a murderer. You can hate them and it doesn’t mean you hate yourself. Yet I have noticed when things annoy me (other than the loud sounds of chewing because I do NOT do that), it may be something I fear about myself. It’s all psychological and weird and I don’t claim to understand it. My tolerance can be low, because all I do is work, and all I do is tend house and kids and pets, and I get REALLY mad when my efforts go unthanked or unnoticed. Then I wonder if I notice and thank people when they do nice things for me; for us. I think I do! At least I hope I do, and then I remember that life gets in the way. So of course when ALL you do is work, and ALL you do is tend house and kids and pets, you might expect a parade or something. A card, skywriting, or a hot air balloon would be better. A rainbow sprinkles and chocolate moose would also suffice.

The world doesn’t work that way and I don’t either. It’s ok.

We work with what we work with, though. I guess in the past, I’ve gotten bothered by actions that I deemed as “not having a life.” Like if someone copies you or knows too much about you or doesn’t give you a breath in between. And I’ve decided that this is probably because I fear that I’m the one who doesn’t have a life. Well, of course I have a big and beautiful life, but I need to get a life too. Even though I’m always busy and barely have time for eating, I allow headspace for dumb things. It’s funny how you can have a life, but not have a life. And that is what happens when you’re not doing all the wild and big and beautiful things you want to do. People learn to take the space to do what they want, or at least ask for it, and I’m truly not sure I EVER do that.

Not consistently, anyway.

I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find, Or have it within the time, But it's all that I'll have in mind, Until I fall away, I won't keep you waiting long

So that’s what I mean about having a life but not having a life. I can be so busy that I cannot breathe, and yet I can notice and feel hurt from people’s obliviousness or worse. Like if I can’t even eat, why am I giving head space to this?! And maybe it does sound petty but it’s probably not really petty. I am annoyed by people who take from me, when I’m depleted from the giving (which isn’t selfless at all when you’re wearing yourself out), and while I don’t envy them, I see myself in them. And that scares me. And I do envy people who have more of a balance. They can kindly and politely take for themselves (and without stomping on others). They give freely too.

And probably, like many of us, it’s hard to find that balance. I have to remember that.

I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find, Or have it within the time, But it's all that I'll have in mind, Until I fall away, I won't keep you waiting long

So I did a few things. I booked a trip to the Florida Keys with just Sawyer. I am SO excited. I’m scared of feeling untethered and it’s HARD to fly with a baby, but when you have four, flying with even three seems like a dream. So flying with one or two kids? I can almost just close my eyes and drift away. Except for the whole holding a baby an entire flight thing! That’s why I didn’t book Hawaii or California. 2-3 hours and I’m in palm trees and ocean breezes. I booked a resort with an ocean-view room. I mean, I really went all out. Got a car through Tulo, and since everything is already paid for, extra money coming in right now will just go to more fun. Maybe we’ll see dolphins, or an octopus before dawn. Maybe a shark, or an alligator too. I’m planning road trips across the Seven Mile Bridge, to Key West (if I’m feeling brave), to the Everglades, and maybe on a foodie tour of Miami. We will miss each other, but getting this nice break is crucial.

And so is celebrating my one-year-old.

I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find, Or have it within the time, But it's all that I'll have in mind, Until I fall away, I won't keep you waiting long

And I also asked my mom to go on a trip to Rochester. I’ve never seen where she was from! Plus, Bruce Hornsby is playing a FREE concert as part of their Jazzfest in a park. It seemed like it was all too good to be true. Hornsby. Rochester. A rare week of this summer where no one has camp or other plans. It’s a VERY jam-packed summer already, and this seems like a gift. So it will be my mom, me, and all four kids. I can’t wait to visit Savoia Pastry Shoppe and see the city and see her old stomping grounds, and see Hornsby too! It’s sort of amazing that it took until ME having kids to see Rochester. This is something I’ve never done! So this midweek getaway is important.

And lastly, there’s a big concert RIGHT IN A PARK IN OUR TOWN and it features 90s bands, like Toad the Wet Sprocket and Gin Blossoms (I hope they play “Until I Fall Away”)! It’s not only in our city, but in the little village where we live. And Toad the Wet Sprocket is a favorite! Scarlet has a Bat Mitzvah that day (her first) and I don’t really want to take little ones, so I’m going alone. So I could have arranged to go with friends, or a friend, or gotten a sitter. I could have, but I’m glad I didn’t. It’s time to start doing more solo things. It’s what I used to do, and it’s something I’d like to do again, although not always. Of course. Maybe it will be scary, and maybe it will be fantastic.

Maybe I’ll find more of myself than I ever imagined possible.

I don't know all the answers, I think that I'll find, Or have it within the time, But it's all that I'll have in mind, Until I fall away, I won't keep you waiting long

“If it’s all rusted and fade
In the spot where we fell
Where I thought I’d left behind
It’s loose now but we could try
Until I fall away
I won’t keep you waiting long
Until I fall away
I don’t know what to do anymore
Until I fall away”

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4 Comments

  1. Wow Tamara you’ve got places to go, things to do, and people to see! I hope your upcoming flight and road trips will be fun and fantastic adventures for you, and not scary at all. I like your opening statement. I feel the same way too. I’m very appreciative when others help me in any way, and at times l worry that l may not have shown or expressed my appreciation enough, and the guilt lingers uncomfortably for hours afterwards. The Gin Blossoms pleasant sound fits right in with a sunny 🌞 and pleasant day in May, just like today! 🎶

  2. I have been to Rochester! A million years ago, but I went. My family ate buffalo wings the one night we were there. Weird things you remember! It sounds like you have an exciting summer planned!

  3. I do think there is sort of a “reawakening” after the muddle of small children to the fact that you are an individual who has dreams, desires, skills, etc. I know when my children were older, and I started my business, it was sort of invigorating to realize that I was making decisions for myself, about how I wanted to do things (for better or worse). Having these times for yourself will enable you to pour out more fully good things onto those you love. Can’t pour from an empty cup, right?

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