This One.

I was never supposed to know this early. No one should know this early.

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I have no shame to tell my story. It wasn’t as easy as Scarlet’s cosmic but not quite planned existence. And it wasn’t as hard as many people go through to have a baby. Not at all. After a lot of hemming and hawing and mind changes, we decided we wanted a second child not long after Scarlet’s second birthday. That had always been our thing. When she was one, neither of us could even dream of another. Yet we had relented a lot on our original and very tightly-held belief that, “For God’s sake, we only want one!” I know Cassidy believed that fully. I had thought I did too but I had Scarlet at 28 so we weren’t exactly going to schedule any birth control surgeries or anything. We were just going to live our lives, knowing that timing is nothing and everything. You can’t overthink it, but goshdarn, it sure works out a lot of the time. In numerous ways.

We finally agreed last late summer/early fall that we were both into the idea for a round two. And committed, or at least getting committed. After just a month of not purposefully trying but not..you know..preventing, we realized we were ALREADY running out of time. Those of you who know me know I have never wanted a fall or winter baby. Bundling up newborns and avoiding every flu and cold-infested person on the planet? No, thanks. Not being able to walk with the baby on a beautiful spring or summer day? No, thanks. Sounds fun, I guess. Not for me. And a late summer baby might even be worse. Those last several weeks of pregnancy can be very difficult. You pretty much live your life about ten to twenty degrees warmer than the rest of the world. East coast humidity while at the very trying ends of pregnancy? No, thanks. Not for me.

So we really only had one chance! The way everything was lining up, I knew it would be a late June due date or bust. Late July if I felt I couldn’t wait another year, but I wanted June. So I did what I had to do to give that the best possible chance.

With Scarlet, I only ever took one pregnancy test. It was enough for me to know. Cassidy bought it at Target and it was one of those digital ones that tell you a definitive answer in words, rather than plus signs and pink lines. I was already ten days late when I finally took a test with her. That’s like…fourteen days after those new early detection tests can give you an accurate reading. I only took one. You know the end of that story. Never saw a “Not Pregnant” test in my life..until recently.

In September. After a month of not trying but not not trying. I bought a three pack of digital tests. I swore I’d wait past the early detection part and take them after I was “late.” I thought I was cosmically pregnant as easily as I had been with Scarlet. Without really trying. I wasn’t. I took a test one morning and saw the “Not Pregnant.” It was the same day we bid on our house. I decided I couldn’t handle both on the same day. The test was negative. The house was ours. I felt victorious.

Next month, we actually “tried.” I swore I’d wait past the early detection part and take them after I was “late.” One day, a week before I was to take the test I felt kind of funny. Thirsty. And hungry. I opened a jar of pickles my dear friend Tara had made and given to me. I liked them. I think that same afternoon she sent me a text to NOT eat her pickles because she had opened hers too and discovered they were much too salty for normal human consumption. I wrote back that it was too late.

I loved the too-salty-for-normal-human-consumption pickles.

This was weird. I don’t like salty foods much. So I took a pregnancy test from the remaining two tests I still had from the previous month’s three pack. It said “Pregnant.” I didn’t believe it. I wasn’t supposed to take it already! It shouldn’t detect ANYTHING a week before you’re late. Even 4-5 days is a stretch and the box even says the chance of a false negative are high. The box basically says, “You might get a positive reading before a missed period but you should probably just wait the extra 4-5 days, you impatient twit, because this will drive you insane.” It’s true. I took the other test. “Pregnant.” I taped both tests to a note “from Scarlet” and gave it to Cassidy with the mail when he got home that afternoon. We rejoiced.

I started holding my breath that day and I never really let it go. I suffered through the next week – waiting any day to wake up and find out that that it wasn’t true anymore but I had known that I had been pregnant for that week, ever so briefly. The tests are usually right and don’t give false positives. This is the problem with these early tests. 20% of the time or so, the pregnancy doesn’t stick and if you hadn’t been impatient and taken an early detection test, you never would have known that you were very early pregnant and that you very early lost the pregnancy. It happens. Usually we just don’t know it..

I took 5-10 more tests. I was crazy. I took one in the grocery store bathroom because I couldn’t wait until I got home to see what it said. It was very Juno-esque. All were positive. And then the period that never came. The next few weeks. That first ultrasound. The nausea. The growth. The time that stretched on for eternity. It’s winding down now. The end is in close sight. This one. This little baby. He stuck around. He really did. I was so scared, but he proved me neurotically wrong.

This one, he wants to stay. I am still holding my breath ever so slightly but soon I’ll let it out.

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One Comment

  1. I wish you all the best as you make it through the last few days/weeks of this pregnancy! If you have the opportunity I highly recommend belly casting – I have seen pictures of ones that people have made into bassinets for the infant once born.I have also seen some beautiful Mendi work on pregnant bellies – I didn't know anyone who did it at the time or I'd probably have done that too.Love and Many Blessings,Renee

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