I think I may out-nerd myself in this post, which is saying a lot when you consider that I dressed as a Dalek over the weekend — twice — (even though Des called me a ladybug) and I got together with other people who share some of my passions:
When I was pregnant with Scarlet, or maybe even after her birth, Cassidy gave me a t-shirt that said, “Desmond Is My Constant.” There was no way yet to know we’d ever have another child, much less a son, because we were firmly in the “We only want one!” camp for awhile. Until we weren’t, of course, and by then there was no looking back. We didn’t have any boy names picked out for Scarlet, except for maybe Jack. Jack is my late Great Uncle’s name, and also a character from LOST.
Would you believe I had never seen an episode when we got married, but allowed a lot of LOST imagery and themes in the wedding? Cassidy had watched it from the beginning, I believe, and over the course of three or four horribly snowy, icy and homeless months, we sat and watched the first five seasons with Cassidy’s mom and her husband, Ernie. Once we were finally in our new condo and with baby Scarlet in our arms (asleep), we watched the sixth and final season too. Desmond was my favorite character on the show, both in that hubba hubba way, and because of his incredibly romantic story lines.
It was the first time I had heard the theme about “the constant.” As explained in the show, when the consciousness travels back and forth through time, it needs to latch onto a constant. A constant is an object or person that exists in both periods of time and that the time traveler cares deeply about. It is someone or something that the time traveler will always recognize. If a constant is not found, the oscillations between different times will be frequent and dangerous, until death may become the only endpoint. Even though I don’t really travel through time in real life (shh…I think.. not yet..let me get my TARDIS built first..) I’ve always used the theory of “the constant” to manage my anxiety. Even before I really knew I had anxiety!
For me, it’s about something to focus on or see in front of you or to grab or to dream about. It’s about grounding yourself when you’re hurtling through time and fear within your own mind. It’s when you’re looking for something to bring you back.
I’ve been doing this for five years and I’ve never even taken a true week off. I’ve certainly taken time off, but I had already prescheduled posts or had guest posts on my blog. I have come and gone, but my blog has not taken a break. And when I’m gone, I am thinking about what I’ll blog about when I come back. When I’m in the middle of work projects, I still blog. I still comment on blogs. In the last five years, my life has seen drama and joy and a new baby and a house move and PTSD and new pets and new humans and terror. And what did I do? What have I done? I blogged through it, and then I blogged some more.
I have many other effective constants when it comes to anxiety management, and blogging is but one of them for that. As a life constant, though? It’s certainly one of the leading stars in my life. It is grounding and it is present and it is mine.
Should I ever find myself traveling through time, or more realistically, in the midst of a sudden and terrifying bout of anxiety or fear within my own mind and out of it, I often do and I often will remember this. I will grab onto this.