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These Are the Days to Hold Onto

“Did you know that before you came into my life
Some kind of miracle that I survived?
Some day we will both look back and have to laugh
We lived through a lifetime and the aftermath
This is the time to remember
‘Cause it will not last forever
These are the days to hold on to
‘Cause we won’t, although we’ll want to”

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

A month from now I’ll be seeing Bruce Hornsby in concert, in the second row.

On another continent. What even is my life?

I’m going to have to channel the person I was when I decided to book a trip with my mom to Scotland in February. There are so many challenges here, with leaving home and partner and puppies and dogs and cat and babies and kids. There’s Newark Airport, which is.. challenging. There are long flights, with layovers in ICELAND. Is Iceland actually real? I guess I will find out. There’s the gloom involved with Glasgow in the winter. It’s not as cold as here, but it’s probably not as sunny either. And it’s not very sunny here. Seriously, WHO BOOKED THAT TRIP? I hope I find her again in time to put one foot in front of the other, to gas pedal and to pavement, and somehow manage to do all this?! The autumn Tamara was born out of crisis-mode, so she was sparkly and radiant and unafraid. She had nothing to lose. I hope I find her again, but not born out of crisis-mode. There’s a magic to finding rhythm in the living again. Even breathing and even temper and even stability. No swaying or spinning. There is such a magic. But oh, to find that magic without the crisis first. I believe I’ll find her again, and this swirling me of weak and strong and unafraid and anxious and barely breathing but putting foot to pedal to pavement to plane. There’s a magic when we find ourselves; more so, the magic when we accept ourselves.

There is magic born from all of our selves, our strengths, our weaknesses. All of it.

There’s little tricks, you see, like phone a friend, read a sweary affirmation chip, read a non-sweary affirmation card, and ground yourself in the moments and details. Pull over, phone a lover. Breathe away the demons. No, breathe IN the demons, and exhale them right back out. Pull over again, and drink an ice water. Ground yourself in moments and details, like screens and books and magazines. Two weeks ago, on my way to my parents’ farm from ChristmasCon in Edison, NJ, I drove Des past my old sledding hill. It was strange how much I didn’t actually feel. No need to pull over and phone a friend, or lover. It was all rather nonchalant. “Oh yeah, that’s where I spent my first 18 years when it snowed. It really snowed. Like when I was a kid and when you were a young kid. It was strange how much I didn’t actually feel, and how much I did feel, because I think I’ve been through 15 regenerations since then. What even is my life?

To be so close, and so far, from where I once stood.

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately of, “Who am I, anymore?” I’ve been going back to NJ a lot lately and that makes me a little bit crazy in the ways that I used to be crazy. It’s a bit of a setback actually, to forget all that you have overcome from the child you once were. Or even who you were a month or two ago. A few months ago, my life was at another crisis point. It was different from other crisis points, like existential crisis points, or postpartum crisis points. There are anxiety points, and situational depression points. Some things are much more difficult than others. Anxiety is steeped in hope, at least for me. It’s like caring too much, about everything. My situational depression has always been the opposite. The absence of feeling, which somehow isn’t actually an absence because it could swallow me whole. There is no general in my anxiety, or very occasional bouts of depression. These are purely situational mental health crisis points.

They end, like all good and bad things do. And that doesn’t mean forever.

And somehow, that’s ok. I get a little surprised when anxiety rears its head again, because I wonder why I am not past it. After all I have been through and survived. Who am I anyway, anymore? A few months ago, I was pretty sure our family wouldn’t survive. It was a real crisis point. And now it’s like I don’t know what to think. Am I glossing over the things we said? Or does working hard every day.. actually work? It’s very confusing and I never know what to do or say anymore, but I do and say it anyway. It’s not perfect, or even close, but it’s consistent. This seems like a time. This is the time. For what? I don’t know. Small victories and larger ones. For leaving the continent. For being brave when I feel anxious, and for being brave when I don’t.

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

For setting foot to pedal to pavement. I think I like the person I am. I no longer think about who I’m becoming, because why not focus on today? This is the time. I like who I am today, and I will probably like who I am tomorrow. I’m the person who fed 10 beings in the house tonight. I’m the person who comes here every Friday, certain this will be the week she fails, but gets here just in time to say the words I need to say. And I’m the person who knows it’s time to stop for now.

I’ve said all I need to say and it’s ok to rest. I’m the person who shares photos too:

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

This is the time to remember, 'Cause it will not last forever, These are the days to hold on to, 'Cause we won't, although we'll want to

“Sometimes it’s so easy to let a day slip on by
Without even seeing each other at all
But this is the time you’ll turn back and so will I
And those will be the days you can never recall

And so we embrace again behind the dunes
This beach is so cold on winter afternoons
About holding you close is like holding the summer sun
I’m warm from the memory of days to come

This is the time to remember
‘Cause it will not last forever
These are the days to hold on to
‘Cause we won’t although we’ll want to”

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2 Comments

  1. I can relate to that idea of wanting to feel a certain way that comes as a result of a difficult moment, but not wanting to relive the moment (or the season). The flip side is that when hard times arrive, I can remind myself that some good is likely going to come out of them.

    Great photos! So fun seeing your whole family together.

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

  2. I love the lines which reveal to us that there’s magic when we find ourselves and more so when we accept ourselves, and how magic is born from our strengths and weaknesses. I’m sure that l experience revelations and regenerations more frequently than l realize. I can relate to being brave when feeling anxious, and when feeling not so anxious, but l’m hardly ever aware of my moments of bravery until long after they happen. Magic and bravery share a very strong bond in your blog Tamara. l ❤️ all these pics, and what a beautiful family photo! May 2024 be a year of happiness, good health and even little magic too for All Of Us!!

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