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There’s No Such Thing as Mine

“I woke up with you in my head
Like a melody to sing in bed
I should get up, but I instead
Make a face you used to make
I know there’s no such thing as time
I know there’s no such thing as mine
I know there’s no such thing as turning back”

I know there's no such thing as time, I know there's no such thing as mine, I know there's no such thing as turning back

The other night, I dreamed about my Uncle Jamie.

We were somehow able to visit with him for only a few minutes. He found his phone in a box of phones at my family farm. The phone was exactly as he had left it, open to a call or text to my sister, Lindsay. He was so happy and excited that he was able to power up his phone. I kept crying and telling him to put it in his pocket so he could take it with him. Maybe I thought he could take it to heaven, and use it there. I kept saying, “Take it with you! Put it in your pocket. Take it with you! Put it in your pocket.” I must have said it 25 times, but all he did was laugh. I woke up with a single tear down my cheek, and I was congested from my first day with yet another cold, but not as bad as the one I had in November. And I was alone, because it’s so hard to wake up with puppies. I should say, it’s so hard to sleep in with puppies. As cute as they are, I was cold and alone; gripped by the way the dream seeped into my day. That it colored my day.

The pleas for him to put the phone in his pocket, and take it with him. The way he laughed.

The next night, I had a near all-nighter. I spent the entire night on the couch with the puppies, and one had diarrhea. So you can imagine the adrenaline rush of jumping up from sleep, sometimes deep sleep, over and over and over. In one dream, I met with my friend, Tamara, in real life. She was a client of mine, and is now an online friend. She lives in my state and does photography and some pretty awesome things. In the dream, I was with friends, like really with friends. It felt amazing and safe. I had slipped out of my house or dorm or hotel or whatever it was/is to see the sun rise over dawn. The waves would lap right into her house, but she had a safe floor that could hold water. At one point, I realized I should text Cassidy or Scarlet to tell them I wasn’t at home, on the couch, or with the puppies. I had stepped out of the house, and seemingly into another world. Off the planet, to safety and color, friendship and beach sunrises.

I know there's no such thing as time, I know there's no such thing as mine, I know there's no such thing as turning back

It’s been a challenging week, with the usual weather and ailment-related happenings. A migraine here (not mine) and a cold here (mine). Puppies with conjunctivitis and diarrhea too. Toddler rashes and endless snot. A snow day and then a delayed opening. On the day of the delayed opening, I woke up so angry, which is so rare for me. I could not get through that morning without screaming the F word several times. I fantasized about my upcoming Scotland trip, and how my life can be quiet for a short spell. Maybe I’ll miss the noise, and some of it is endearing, like singing to Rider every time he has a potty training success, which at this point, is always. We trained him in three days. Three grumpy and homebound days, which makes me wonder how I got sick, when I didn’t leave the house! The rest of the world seeping in. Rider progressed so much this week, and I didn’t. Therapy was canceled twice on account of illness.

A week in which I really could have used it.

I know there's no such thing as time, I know there's no such thing as mine, I know there's no such thing as turning back

Yesterday, I enrolled Sawyer in Rider’s daycare, and spent a lot of time on the couch, save for the occasional meeting or meal. I still had my sense of humor, and when I signed on before a client had, I had the camera turned to the puppies sleeping on the couch. In the afternoon, Cassidy asked me if I wanted to take them for a walk in the woods, and they were so good and attentive! It was otherworldly out there, with the tall trees having a light coating of snow. It didn’t seem to weigh the trees down; it just added to their beauty. The weak winter sun was shining through the trees, and didn’t need to be strong to be beautiful. It just was. A snowy heavenscape. And no, I didn’t take a single photo as I had left my phone at home. On the next walk, I’ll take it with me.

I had it for other important events, like before Scarlet’s band concert:

And this beauty, that takes your breath away:

I know there's no such thing as time, I know there's no such thing as mine, I know there's no such thing as turning back

Maybe it’s ok that I missed therapy and that I internally seethed and that I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to be away from home. Maybe it’s the contrast I needed after spending the last several weeks panicking that I could leave them all behind. Progress wasn’t lost to the storm, after all. Maybe it’s blanketed by the heavy snow, only to be found, briefly, on a winter’s afternoon walk. Each snowflake is unique; the silence like a warm coat, showing you what you can be, if you just can be. Stop, and listen. Maybe the baby steps were very baby steps. I chose kinder words when I would have chosen harsher ones. Or I chose harsher words, but stopped before letting them go on. It wasn’t a perfect arc this week. Heck, it wasn’t even close, but I think I understood the underbelly of the storm inside me, and that it doesn’t have to be so tangled and shocking and sudden. It can be a trip across the Atlantic, yes, with a chill in the air and in my heart, that will only be warmed again by flying home. And it can just be. I can be me.

A snowy, peaceful hour, in a snowy, chaotic day.

I know there's no such thing as time, I know there's no such thing as mine, I know there's no such thing as turning back

“This world began outside of time
Some days it’s yours, some days it’s mine
Some days it’s cruel, some days it’s kind
It just can’t stay the same

I know there’s no such thing as time
I know there’s no such thing as mine
I try to sing a melody your way”

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2 Comments

  1. I enjoy the feeling of peace and tranquility at the sight of snowflakes falling like blessings from the sky leaving a fresh carpet of white that glistens as the sun rises and sets. The sunrise and sunset across my landscape today were easy on the eyes. I hope all the chaos will soon fade away Tamara, and I like how Spacetime Fairytale ebbs and flows and fades away with the playful piano notes.

  2. I can relate to everyone being sick. It made its way into our household too. Last week was my turn. I’m still crawling out of it, which a full week ahead, so we’ll see how that goes. It can cause crazy dreams, right? Must be my mind working out my discomfort. I’m certainly ready to break out of the sub-freezing temperatures, that’s for sure!

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