There’s a Disconnect.

Oh, this was kinda petty.

Just before my 16th birthday, I was going through a weird time. I guess that’s not so uncommon but mine was a deep evaluation of the contents of my heart. Friendship. Love. Independence. Parents. Pain. Strength. I had this huge spiritual episode, best described here, in which I went on a roadtrip to Canada and discovered oodles about the beauty of the world and the strength of my soul.

That was and is a story for another day.

Right before my big trip I had an actual Post-It note list of all of my friends who hadn’t called me back. That’s what I was talking about when I said petty. Then I went on a tangent about non-petty things. The petty thing was keeping the list. It wasn’t so much that I could study the list and strike any kind of revenge and purposefully not call back any of those listed people in the future. It was to marvel at the sheer number of people I felt disconnected to, and to experience the relief and joy of crossing off those names one by one when we found ourselves back in each other’s phone calls. It was the middle of July and we were all on or between vacations.

And it was a little bit of other things. My spiritual theory was and still is that sometimes you’re projecting both a visible and even invisible barrier, even if you don’t mean to be, and people can pick up on it and react to it appropriately. Once that visible and even invisible barrier somehow popped, they all called me back. Not entirely at once, but within the same day or two. I don’t think it’s a coincidence – I really don’t. There must be all sorts of elements that cause disconnections – the weather, the time of day at the time of year, mental stuff, love stuff, personal stuff. Sometimes I believe they all align (or is it disalign?) and you start to notice consistent disconnects. With your family, with more than one friend, with your work or your pets or your kids or yourself. Even the mailman!

Ok the best part about this? I just took a quick writing break, not that you could tell, because my internet wasn’t..you guessed it..connected. And that never happens. And I’m talking about the alignment of disconnecting elements. Sigh. All better now. I think.

My morale is low today. For many reasons. The end of a great weekend and the fast displacement into a super hectic week. That and yesterday’s not great weather made me a sad panda. And then there are my own demons – fear of anxiety, withdrawal, business and self stuff, the kids. Usually when morale is low, I cannot pour myself into anything else. I literally become paralyzed in fright and inactivity. This time, there are no alternatives. I am committed to being “out there” this time. Not only as a parent but as I’m learning to grow social media prowess. So instead of retreating, I think I’ll just keep putting laying it out here, just the same. I can tell the difference when my tweets are halfhearted, and my energy is low, but let’s hope you can’t! Or just pretend you can’t..

And if we’re disconnected in real life, I am so sorry. I’m not making Post-It notes with your names on it, but you’re on a list in my heart of people I will learn to reach out to, despite low morale. That to me is a challenge.

Oddly, I’ve been catching up on nearly a month’s worth of photos that still need to be put through Lightroom and be magically transformed from RAW files into jpegs. As I go through previous uploads, I’m finding little photos I skipped over without exporting, probably because I was not able to connect them to stories at the time. So today, I connect these disconnected files here:

(He’s rooting for you in that first one. And kinda pissed at you in the second.)

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(Fell asleep on Grandpa. More on that soon.)

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I think they don’t need captions, much past the first two. They tell their own disconnected story of a month of wintery, cuddly life.

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  1. You say some brilliant things in here – about that barrier – ye! Even if it's invisible – yes! I totally believe that! Sometimes, for me, being open and understanding is challenging – especially when I don't get that return phone call right away. I really love this post.

    1. It wasn't even on purpose – I had somehow forgotten all of those photos within past posts! And yes, I'm struggling a bit today too. I can't figure out what my move will be this morning – extending a hand, as you say, or letting go.

  2. At the part where you had said you had taken a break, I had felt guilty about running out to feed the horses and not finishing the read until I returned. Ironic! We took the same break. But these thoughts all together weave a very special , meaningful and sensitive look at the universe.

    1. That is funny! No guilt necessary! I walk away from posts for hours at a time sometimes, just to come back and make them seem more flowy. Kinda ironic that you have to walk away to make it more seamless!

  3. "Usually when morale is low, I cannot pour myself into anything else. I literally become paralyzed in fright and inactivity."I'm right there with you. You described this state of "being" perfectly. I've found that pushing myself to keep going through the low times actually produces positive outcomes. I hope it does for you, too. HUGS from Maine!

    1. Thanks for the hugs from Maine! I feel like pushing myself today. Yesterday was too hectic to even ruminate on being connected or not. Today is a day with such possibility. And sun!

  4. I think disconnects happen at various times so that we can appreciate the connections that we have made – either initially or when they are reconnected. We see them strengthen and change through time. The disconnected photos are lovely – and their stories are undoubtedly lovely, too.

  5. Beautiful post Tamara. Isn't it strange how when we are feeling disconnected, it affects everything around us? Glad that these photos helped you find your way back. They are lovely.-The Dose Girls

    1. And I find myself finding my way back even more today, but in different ways. Sounds petty but between 60-80 degrees and sunny really makes a world of difference in my outlook.

  6. I do through disconnects too and find that I am pretty much unfunctioning when that happens. Its always good to break out of the funk and get back to normal. Love all your disconnected photos…and that squirrel….what a fun picture!

  7. Just love your photography! Those photos of your little boy-squeee! Makes me want to tweak those adorable cheeks. :-)All the images brought a smile to my face. When I am down sometimes I will just curl up in the fetal position, eat chocolate and watch mindless tv. Surprisingly, that generally doesn't really make me feel better, plus my pants magically get smaller. ;-OWhat is much harder but moves me forward is praying and/or journaling, and listing all the things I am grateful for, right down to my tootie toes.

    1. hahaha..that was brilliant. Chocolate and mindless TV is pretty great, but I agree with you that it doesn't necessarily work unless you're doing it while already happy. Then it's even more happy-making for me.

    1. Well, that's the thing! The feeder is a "squirrel buster" feeder so that picture was taken after he (she?) gave up and jumped off. It really works! Only birds can get the seeds.

  8. Squirrrrrrelllll! Hee hee totally reminds me of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.I get what you mean. I retreat and disconnect big time. It's an awful feeling but we have to keep reaching out in those times even if we don't want to. It's a lonely place when you're a sad panda.You never know, people might bring you cookies.I hope that you feel better soon. Dance to some kick ass music in the kitchen. That helps sometimes :)PS. The eyes? I die.

  9. I totally believe in your theory of barriers. My SIL bought me a positivity candle from a shop in New Orleans and I lit it every night until a windstorm blew it over and shattered it.

  10. Being disconnected is one of the worst feelings – it's lonely, it's stressful, and for me personally, I find it shameful (because I always feel like it must be my fault, and if we're being honest, it often is!). I have a very bad lifelong habit of getting temporarily disconnected from someone (usually for perfectly reasonable reasons at first, like being busy or sick or something), and then it spirals out of control because I feel bad for not calling sooner, and then it's been too long and I think they hate me…it's terrible. I'm trying to change it but it's hard.Love the pics, as usual 🙂 I love Des's bangs! He looks like such a little scamp.

    1. I really don't know what to do about his bangs! If I trim them, I commit to bangs. I can't stand bangs. But boy hair is different and I have a lot to learn. Can't I grow it out and get some shaggy thing going, instead of the dreaded bowl cut? I don't know what I'm doing. Please ask Bubba what I should do!(Oh, and what you wrote above that was awesome and made me feel less like an alien)

  11. I get the same feeling sometimes, just from being on Facebook. A picture comes up of some friends together at an event, and you wonder why you didn't know about it… things like that. I have some people I keep at arm's length, but I've found new wonderful friends who invite me to things! 🙂 But the disconnected feeling is quite unpleasant. Hope it passes soon! Just stopping in from Oh So Many… thanks so much for visiting and leaving a comment! 🙂

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