The Witching Hour.

I once read somewhere that between 3:00 – 4:00 am is the worst time of night for people. It’s the time of night, they say, in which nightmares creep up, fevers spike, stomachaches hit, and our thoughts are our darkest. I made the mistake of googling (witching hour) and there are all sorts of paranormal and religious beliefs about 3:00 am out there. One guy in a forum said that it’s when he contemplates the fate of the world..and I think I might agree. Daylight and non-3:00-4:00 am night is filled with thoughts of kids, food, money, laundry, Cassidy, work, family, friends, driving, coffee, music, more.

Those thoughts are the surface of the world.

And in contrast, are the thoughts in the witching hour of the night. They are the depth of the world. Literally. Figuratively. I may contemplate the fate of the world myself at 3:00 am. When I’m barely breaking the surface of waking, but I’m aware enough to remember, I may think about meteors and mortality. Undiscovered ocean creatures. Aging. Loss. Repetition.

I may think about being stuck here. There. Anywhere.

The witching hour was always my most feared time of night. (morning?) It’s when, during a heartbreak, I would wake up curled on the couch and still in my clothes. I would look in the mirror at a face I didn’t recognize and I would yearn to wake up from a nightmare that was a reality. A reality that was a nightmare. And every next morning, daylight would make the heartbreak (or loss, or whatever) look, while not all better, certainly more manageable. Until time ticked by and healed, and eventually my witching hours would be spent fully asleep, or in the company of a new love. An old love returning.

What’s funny to me is that my witching hours are often spent awake these days. It’s funny to me that I used to sleep all night, every night. I think that a lot. Do people really stay asleep all night?! And yet I know I once did. Inconceivable. I’m sure I woke up during the night, but the difference is that I was able to go back to sleep without having to fully wake up. There were no Scarlet nightmares or bathroom breaks. There were no Des night feedings. And while I soon need to stop feeding him in the middle of the night, and while I soon will stop feeding him in the middle of the night..well..it’s only once a night and he’s just so convincing. As I said to his pediatrician, while pointing out Desmond’s irresistible face and huge eyes, “Would you really say ‘no’ to this face in the middle of the night? Really?” And he replied with, “I probably wouldn’t.”

So not every night, but on many nights, I’m amazed at the amount of time I spend with myself, in my own head. Fully awake. Between 3:00 and 4:00 am. And you know what? It’s not so bad. Maybe it’s the being fully awake, and not just in the strange limbo between the waking life and the dreaming life. Fully awake. Controlling my own thoughts and choosing to read photography forums on a smartphone or just listen to Des breathe and nurse himself back to sleep. He sighs and smiles, kicks his legs once or twice. Then he’s still and asleep. So I follow him back down and it’s peaceful. Unexpectedly.

Maybe it’s different these days because this is the face that looks out at the moonlight with me. Every night:

And there’s really nothing “witching” about this. Grounding, maybe. It’s now my “grounding hour.”