The Squishy Mushy Heart Feeling
And this was when she was a newborn. Although I had never before experienced the achy and exhilarating experience of growing a child.. outside the womb.. of course I knew how insane it all is. How you can break down in tears when they release you from the hospital, because your new real life has barely started, and you’re already nostalgic for those first days and moments of getting to know your child. It starts so soon. The rapid passage of time. And how it takes your breath away.
You know, from about one until age four, Scarlet used to push a toy shopping cart and a doll stroller all through the house. She’d shuffle along in mismatched clothing and a winter hat. Raggedy hair and a lopsided gait. Is it terrible to say that she reminded me of the many shopping cart homeless people I’ve seen? It gave me a specific feeling. It’s all so squishy and mushy and gushy. What is more innocent and amazing than a toddler pushing squeaky-wheeled metal and plastic toys – meant to emulate real, adult contraptions – ’round and ’round the house? With messy hair and glazed eyes. The feeling:
The feeling is a feeling I’ve felt for most, if not all, of my life. My mom and sister get it, Cassidy gets it, and I tried explaining it to Scarlet the other day, and she’s starting to get it too. It’s a spontaneous heartbreak of mysterious origin that occurs when viewing another person’s seemingly mundane actions or belongings. You are touched deep inside in a way that’s difficult to convey. When it happens with strangers, it’s bad and when it happens with people you know and love, it’s worse.
It’s a quick, recurrent heartbreak that occurs from subtle actions and possessions of someone who’s usually a stranger, but isn’t always. My mom gets this squishy feeling when she’s out in public and sees an old person fumbling for their money to purchase something. I get that feeling when I see someone’s glasses fall off. And when I see glasses lying alone and delicate on a table, I get it as well. It’s feeling deeply for someone based on their small actions. Tiny, earthquake heartbreak.
It’s because I knew I’d have to let her go, little by little, but no one ever thinks about that when their babies are young. You’re not supposed to think like that. Nine years in, I know it’s not even true. I think she’ll always buzz and swarm around me – and be drawn to me – the way it’s been with my mom and my grandmother in every direction possible. We are linked.
And sometimes this feeling comes from more obvious occurrences. My first memory of the squishy feeling was watching a film strip (remember those?!) about good manners in one of the lower grades of elementary school. In the film, some “bad” kids run around an old man in a parking lot until he drops his bag of groceries all over the ground. His lettuce rolls away and his eggs crack onto the pavement. One of the kids who is not a “bad” kid and was just yielding to peer pressure follows his heart and helps the man pick up his groceries. Pretty simple message, right? The rest of my class watched the film, got what they needed from it, and ran out for recess. I cried in the bathroom for 15 minutes. And I cried myself to sleep that night.
I was haunted by this poor old man dropping his groceries and having them spread out for everyone to see. It was my first major experience with The Feeling. In those same few years, I had a similar experience in the school library when the librarian read us a story about an old woman who loved her pet chicken and this chicken bought her all the happiness in the world and one day it died and she was alone. And some time later, she discovers that the chicken left her a basket of hatched eggs and now she wasn’t alone anymore. This was an illustrated book, and I was destroyed. It’s not often longterm.
It’s not always that clear and that obvious why I’d be sad. It’s mostly just speculation. Do you get that feeling when, say, you have a house guest and maybe you’re putting towels in your guest room for them and you see their beauty bag or suitcase and all of their personal items or clothes laid out? Or when you see your father’s glasses lying on a book on a table? Or get this one – I get sad when someone gives someone else a gift and even if the gift giver is nowhere in ear shot, my heart breaks if the gift recipient says something negative or unappreciative about the gift. Maybe we got three toasters for our wedding, but I probably wouldn’t even comment on it. And if I thought about each person lovingly buying us a toaster, I’d feel all warm and squishy inside. All I know is that my heart breaks for others sometimes – maybe for no reason at all.
I totally get that feeling, especially when I look at baby pictures of both my girls or even videos of them from when they were oh so little. Seriously not sure where the times goes, but still here we are with both are babies almost double digits. Truly speechless on that <3
I hear that! Even Des turning seven is freaking me out!
I think you have the gift of being sensitive and aware. I remember one client who was clearing out her mother’s house. It as going pretty well (her mother was still alive, but moved to an assisted living facility) when she suddenly came across an old cold cream jar filled with safety pins. This, of all things, made my client cry. It has a deep and personal significance… made her suddenly feel connected to a life season that had passed. Objects can be packed with emotion, which is why it is important to be sensitive when helping someone declutter. The stories matter, and no “rules” apply to every situation.
Oh my, you (and your client) totally get what I’m talking about. Thank you for that.
Oh my gosh Scarlet wandering with her shopping cart and raggedy clothes is so funny! Kids. It’s all a bit insane how much we love them! Wait until they are in high school and you are like I only have like less than 3 or even less years with them! EEK my heart….. 🙂
I honestly can’t handle the thought. I just can’t! But I will.
It looks like we are not the only ones who know the “squishy “ feeling! Great blog, honey!
Thanks! xoxo And I love that others know it.
How could anyone not get that squishy mushy heart feeling seeing these pictures of Scarlet? I sure do and I get that same feeling when I see an elderly couple holding hands while they walk. Squishy and mushy have no age limits and they never go out of style! You always pick just the right songs Tamara. Tori shares her deepest thoughts and feelings in many of her songs. ❤️
aww.. I love that example! I get the same feeling when I see it. Love never goes out of style either!!
Tori understands.. everything.
One of my girlfriends just had a baby and I’m in love. She’s so tiny and perfect, i can totally understand why you cry looking at Scarlet’s newborn socks, such a special time. Now I have that squishy mushy feeling 🙂
aww! Congrats to your friend on her cute tiny baby!
Hi Tamara, I know exactly the feeling you are describing. I get it when seeing an old person going about their business, not knowing them but imagining them alone. I get it when I hear of people loosing pets, even when I don’t know the person or the pet. It is a haunting feeling that is hard to forget. It’s a twisty feeling in the tum usually followed by all sorts of thoughts whirring through my head.
xx
You totally get the feeling! And I knew an older lady on our street who walked her ancient poodle every day and once said, “I don’t know where I’d be without him.” I think he has since passed and I worry she has too.
Haunting.
She’s growing up so fast!
I know! It’s kinda crazy lately.
Ah yes! So many memories from things. I have an entire photo album and a box of stuff of my mom’s in my car and it just gives me a comforting feeling that she is still with me so it is still in my car. (I lost her six months ago so it is really time for me to get them out of there because I hate clutter), but it gives my heart that squishy feeling. 🙂
Aw.. man. It’s still so fresh. I suppose it always is. That gives ME the squishy feeling.
Not sure I can handle it! Although I know I will..
Oh, man… Tamara, this one. I wasn’t expecting it, and it kind of sucker punched me.
I get it. That Feeling. Of watching short films before recess and feeling achy and sad for the poor actor who gets bullied until the lettuce falls out of his bag and the story with the woman and her pet chicken who leaves behind baby chickens so she’ll never have to be alone.
I wasn’t even there, and I too am hurting for a younger you who felt deeply all those emotions at such a young age. I used to think it was a curse to be an empath–but I don’t think that anymore. I think it’s a beautiful quality that sometimes we take on other people’s pain as our own.
You are a wonderfully, good, very good human, Tamara. Love you. And baby Scarlet toes. I CANNOT. <3
Love you too! And I totally get that blessing/curse of being an empath. Mostly it’s a blessing, I’ve decided!