I cry at rainbow flags and Grateful Dead concerts. I cry at parades and when I’m feeling overwhelmed and defensive. I cry when someone belts out the lyrics to a power ballad, and I cry during the end of the “Jurassic Bark” episode of Futurama.
(Every single time.)
I cry at elephants and kid tears, when someone drops their glasses, and when an elderly person struggles to rise out of their seat – when in their mind and heart – they remember how it felt to soar. I cry during EMDR – when I’m gently coerced to relive the most painful memories of my life – if only to change the bodily memory and rise above. I cry when I remember what it feels like to soar, and I cry that I know that feeling almost daily but I still hold myself back from breaking my wings higher.
I cry every time he goes to work early before the kids wake up, and Des periodically asks during the day, “Is Dada coming back?” “Yes. Every time. Yes. Yes.” I cry that the answer could and has been “No. Not ever. No. No.” And I cry that those answers were to MY questions, when I was only 11 months older than Des is now. I cry that when Scarlet was younger than Des is now, I told her she was going to her grandparents for the weekend and she looked up at me and asked, “Am I coming back?”
I cry at the passage of time and the season finales of shows. I cry that her teacher spent the last month of her career before retirement having to bury her father and clean out his house. I cry that during all of that, she took the time to pick out a Fairy Rose music box for Scarlet’s birthday, because Scarlet played “Briar Rose” in the school play. I cry that she spent nearly six hours a day with my kid, five days a week, and that she thinks Scarlet is magical and dreamy. I cry that Scarlet once told me I was so pretty she could barely look at me, and that I’m the funniest person she knows, because I can all but assure you, that I don’t feel painfully pretty or funniest anything. Except that I do make a pretty good fart joke every now and then, and everyone knows that a good fart joke makes me laugh until I cry. So I guess you can say that fart jokes make me cry.
I cry that he made a Groot costume in six days, and a beautiful birthday party in just four. I cry that he’s painfully handsome and that we’re not always connected the way we could and should be. I cry at every day and every week and every year lost, when he thought I didn’t care, but really I was screaming inside at anxiety and pain. And I cry that life has gotten more easy and more beautiful than that, but also much harder and more complex in love. Love should be hard, complex and beautiful.
I cry that his hands make so much, and that we made two kids. I cry that her teacher’s hands needle felted a gnome for her out of love. I cry that I’m writing this blog post with even a thought about what someone I don’t know even cares about my blog – my home. I cry because I’m scary when I’m angry and most of you are just too darn awesome to ever know and feel what I have been capable of when angry. I cry because I’m up here writing this blog post, when I could be downstairs watching the Grateful Dead. With him. But hey, look at that. There’s still time. For The Dead. For the love. For the moose dreams, ice cream and Northern-lit skies we’ll see once we make those leaps – hands clasped. One foot in front of the other.
Tamara, this is so amazingly beautiful and yes, I had to wipe the tears from my eyes. I cry too. I cry for things that have happened, that are happening, that may happen and will happen. I cry too.
Thank you.
I definitely cry for things that have happened, no matter how happy or sad, because either they were sad and I’m crying, or they were happy and I’m crying that they will never happen again!
Perhaps you were crying a little at times while writing this blog, Tamara. If so, great for you! I hope it helped you to feel a little better. I’m very easily moved to tears by sights and sounds. Pictures of people and animals helpless and in need make me cry almost right away. Happy endings make me cry when the boy and girl and parent and child embrace with ear to ear smiles and tears streaming down their overjoyed faces. Looking at old pictures and photographs of all my elder loved ones who are all gone now make me cry, and I don’t always finish turning the pages of the scrapbook. Sometimes crying is a relief, but at other times the sadness lingers. I let the “happy tears” flow far more freely than the sad tears which I tend to hold back. Don’t forget Tamara, every tear that falls deserves a comfort cookie. 🙂
I certainly was!
I really only came upstairs to brush my teeth and I got drawn to my computer and then wrote this whole thing out in ten minutes! I guess I really needed that release.
Photos of hurt or helpless animals and people affect me so much that I often have to block such things from my news feeds. I can’t seem to get around it, and I’ve even had to block people.
Sometimes crying is wonderfully releasing, and sometimes it makes me feel worse.
I guess I have a lot of cookies coming to me!
I cry so much more often these days. I never used to cry. I cry for love too. I also cry for the sad commercials and when Peter Pan realized he wanted to be a dad in Hook. I cry when my girls want to give me a hug and when they don’t. I cry knowing my son is growing up and becoming all manly on me. And sometimes, privately, I just cry.
Oh yes! Pretty much, I cry through all of Hook. It’s one of my favorite movies. I’m glad you mentioned it!!
I get it about the hugs!
Are you kidding? I’ve never even watched that show and I had tears. Reading through to the end I’m pretty much a mess. I’m obviously a cryer (crier? but not a town crier, so…) but this was amazing. You are amazing. I love what you do here, I’m glad I get to read it.
Right? I watched the show enough to understand it and that’s about it, but that episode ruined me. There are a few more that drew tears. I think three or four! This one is the worst.
Every time I get a comment from you, it’s like Christmas.
Aw, Tamara beautifully said and like you I cry for more than I could ever begin to even explain or want to explain, but then again we are twins so this shouldn’t shock us!!
It’s so true – more than I could ever begin to explain! This obviously isn’t a comprehensive list!
We’re always twins!
Beautifully written. I wish I cried more. I feel things very strongly, but I am not a crier. I never have been. don’t get me wrong, people know exactly what I am feeling, it just isn’t through seeing my tears. My mom says that might change as I get older…maybe, I hope, I guess we’ll see. Life has a way of teaching us many lessons, no?
It’s funny because I’m not really a crier either, even though this post makes it seem that way! It’s more a lifelong list of battles in my head.
My mom thinks it changes with age too.
LOVE this and you made me cry:). I’m a weeper, too – but you’ve definitely got me beat!
Well it’s funny because it takes a lot to make me cry, and it can be weeks or months without it, but if anything on this list happens.. I guess I’m a goner.
Sorry I made you cry!
You really are a beautiful writer, Tamara. Very touching… I think most of us relate to the waterworks unexpectedly popping up. I cry when I think about my children’s accomplishments, and then when I think about my “baby” heading off to college in the fall. I cry about missed opportunities, and people suffering persecution. And then I cry at commercials, because I can be an emotional wimp.
I think I could already cry about college.. honestly. I read that Rob Lowe article about his son going to college and I about lost it. And my kid just graduated kindergarten.
Commercials can definitely do it.
Such a beautiful post, Tamara! Oh I cry at commercials, romantic movies, loneliness (which happens more often than not), I cry when the kids are off somewhere, I cry because now my children can be wed and it will be recognized, and I cry for the past and the love that didn’t come from those that it should have come from. Our topics might be the same or they might differ on some counts, but our hearts bring us together.
And, I so totally started singing the Put One Foot in Front of the Other song from Santa Claus Is Coming to Town! 🙂
ha!! Now I am singing it.
I definitely cry at our local Pride parades. Every time. And that it’s the norm of my children to see, although it looks like it’s catching on nicely in other parts of the country!
There is definitely something cathartic about writing and expressing ourselves Tamara! It’s much better to cry and release than hold it all in, for sure. No shame in crying, in fact that vulnerability is what helps us connect even more.
I totally agree. And it’s really fun to see what makes other people cry! Not fun, but interesting.
Beautiful writing. I cry at everything: sad movies, when my son feels sad, thinking about my parents aging and of course, going to Disney. That always get a good happy cry!
Going to Disney for sure! And the parents aging thing is almost too tough for me. It’s weird being in a sandwich generation!
OMG, this is so beautiful Tamara! I cry too, when I think I shouldn’t. I try to hide my tears by wiping them away really fast, especially when it’s because I’m watching The Middle—a sit com for gosh sakes. But hey, the emotions get triggered. That photo of Scarlet is amazing!! Her teacher sounds very special. I love that “this post is sponsored by love” Love always wins—I agree!! xo
Sitcoms make me cry too sometimes. I used to cry at the show “Family Matters”. In fact, I can count four occasions in which that happened.
I was being a little.. defensive with the sponsorship disclosure, because of one person’s opinion out of many, but I’m so glad you liked it! I’ll have a new one for tomorrow’s post too – also sponsored by love.
Oh god this one shouldve had a warning sign YOU WILL CRY TOO…..amazing Tam, and of course I cried….
I didn’t even know! I would have put a warning. And we have the same heart too!
I cry a lot too because sometimes you feel life so much that you have to. This is a newer thing for me. It is freeing. And, yes, love always wins. No matter what.
It’s newer for me too. And it can be long weeks or even months without it. And then it all comes out at once!
I cried reading this post. I cry sometimes, when I read your posts, and not always because it’s sad. Sometimes your writing just speaks to me. I’ve been there, I know that feeling… you know?
Sometimes, it’s because I’m proud of you too. 🙂
I cry a lot. I try to hide it. Sometimes, I just cry. I don’t know why, it’s not sad, it’s not bad, it’s just life, and I cry.
F**** I’m crying now!
XOXO
Also Jurassic Bark made me cry!
Had you ever seen it, or just watching this clip? Either way, you can just tell at the meaning. It’s.. too much for me.
That was the first time I had watched that clip, I think. When my husband and I were dating we lived with his roommate, and the two of them would watch Futurama, so I may have seen it then. Either way it had me in tears the other day ago.
XOXO
Yes! You get it. My friend told me about it. She also cried at an episode in which Leela’s background is uncovered. Literally. Everyone thought she was an alien, but really she was a mutant underground. Her parents wanted a better life for her so they sent her above ground with a foster family, but throughout her WHOLE life, they’d follow her underground and give her presents and assistance whenever they could, but she never knew it was them. She just figured luck.. or fairies.. or something.
Anyway, it was really touching.
Oh my god, you too! You too!! I feel like we’re soul sisters in this weird blogging world. I read your posts and I save them up and I just smile and read. It’s wonderful.
Crying is pretty awesome!!
xoxoxo
I couldn’t agree more. We’re two crying soul sisters in this blogging world. We’re happy, but we cry. 🙂 And that’s okay, because it just means we feel. Right?
::Big Hugs::
Right! And I used to feel a lot less. Even now I can feel my defenses blocking it and I’m like, “No!!!”
Just beautiful my friend—all of these are reasons to cry 🙂
And this is just the tip of the iceberg, I fear. I have more!
Girl, I have more admiration for you now than ever. Admitting I’m scared is so hard, so I get mad, and I cry too. Lots of crying right now. It’s all too big, too much, too hurtful. So just know as you are there wiping up a stray tear, over here I am too. And it’s all gonna be okay. YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!
I have a lot of admiration for you as well.
All of this admitting has been really hard over the past year. I used to do it, but not to this extent.
You are enough too! Trust me!
Oh man, I cry. I cried on Thursday when I saw my eldest boy in his suit getting ready to leave kindergarten. Then I cried big fat tears when a one year old went up on stage to sing “fight song” with her older sister at a conference I went to over the weekend. The kids get me. EVERY single time and usually I’m ugly crying before I even know it.
Aw! Your eldest boy is so gorgeous. I know he wears a suit so well.
It’s the kids for sure!
I cry at movies that deal with the feelings part of parenthood in a way that I couldn’t have cried before having Eve. I cry thinking about theoretical instances where something bad could happen to someone I love. I cry when people I know have miscarriages or traumatizing births or very premature babies. I cry thinking about when a past love broke my heart even though we’re now good friends and no longer in love. I cry sometimes when I’m super frustrated or I’m in a rush and I can’t find my keys. I cried reading your How I Met Your Father series even though I was just starting to get to know you. I cry thinking about Eve growing up.
Oh, how amazingly cathartic it can be to cry! Your words just felt so timely for me. After watching Inside Out and crying the most I’ve ever cried at a movie possibly, and feeling really intense feelings and crying silent tears over an experience someone I know had.
You cried reading my love story?? Oh man, I wish I could hug you right now. Well I will. Soon.
I can’t wait to see Inside Out tomorrow. I’m like.. so excited. I’ll text you!!
Beautiful Tamara. I think I cry so much to let some of the anxiety out – sometimes it seems like the only way. I cry when I’m happy, sad, scared, overwhelmed. But I always feel better after.
I definitely think it lets out anxiety. Sometimes I get a crying hangover if I don’t drink enough water, or resolve whatever is causing the tears, but then I wake up the next day feeling great.
It’s like a storm.
Whew…I needed me a good Tamara post, it’s been awhile! I took a little emotional journey with you through your thoughts and descriptions, so many beautiful small things that are always really the big, huge things.
It has been awhile! The blogging thing has been weird lately. I know you’re fascinated by blogging – what is going on?? It’s even hitting me. I would blame summer but it started in February.
Anyway! Thanks for taking this ride with me.
crap – you made me cry.
every. single. word.
And us emoters? I don’t think we should change. I think that there is something entirely beautiful and cleansing and renewing about the tears we shed. perhaps so much for those who cannot. and that we don’t drown the world in our tears, but rather raise the tides so that we can all be on the same level of feeling. together.
I made you cry?! Time for a hug and some wine.
I’d never want to change and I’d never want you to change. I do drown sometimes.. and other times I drought.
this is where my mind for some reason makes an illogical connection (or is it?) to the movie Hope Floats.
minds are weird.
but, Harry Connick Jr.!!
I saw him in a Christmas movie! It had Connie Britton too. They’re a good-looking couple.
I don’t think I’ve seen Hope Floats, though!
oh my gosh it has Sandra Bulluck too, and it’s heart crushing and then heart lifting, and he wears a cowboy hat a lot.
I may have seen pieces of it. Something about the “Queen of Corn.” I know my mom and sister LOVE it.
Inexplicable tears follow me everywhere I go! Cry-babies make the world go ’round 🙂
Yes, I agree! And I like that we can all admit it.
This is my favourite thing you have ever written, dear Tamara.
Whoa! It’s always so amazing to hear that, especially from a fellow writer.
It makes me think, “Oh! I can still do this. I haven’t dried up!”
You are one gentle soul… And that is what makes you so unique. 🙂
Thank you! That’s the best thing ever.
I cry all the time. It frightens my husband sometimes. He’s all, “Are you crying?” I’ve always been more sensitive I suppose.
ha! I think it might surprise Cassidy sometimes. Even when it’s just a book I’m reading, and not anything he’s done!
Awww….that was beautiful!!!! By the way I think all your posts are sponsored by love 🙂
Thank you!!
And thank you about the sponsored. I got so touchy when someone didn’t like it last week. This was my passive aggressive resistance. ha!
Oh my goodness, this was one of the most beautiful things I’ve read. Tears, goosebumps, a thumping heart, and more tears.
Gorgeous.
Thank you for sharing your tears and words. I loved all of it.
xoxo
Thank you!! It just came right out of me! I was going to brush my teeth and instead, I wrote a post.
And then of course I brushed my teeth because I had a dental cleaning this week.
Thank you so much.
well hot damn!
I cry when I am no longer scared. Once we are out of the woods and everything is okay, I can break down, and I do.
I cry for all variety of ridiculous reasons, and I am usually unapologetic about it.
The other day, for no reason at all, my back seized up and hurt so bad I couldn’t breathe and I cried loudly while tears streamed down my face.
Sometimes I lose it in the middle of the day over Victoria and cry the ugly cry.
When there is a baby somewhere – like a restaurant or church or pretty much anywhere and I can not contain how much I want to hold the baby I try hard not to cry, but I tear up darn near every time.
There’s way too much more.
There’s way too much more for me too. This was just the tip of the iceberg!!!! The bottom of the iceberg is flooded.
I definitely want to hold babies, but mostly my own. So if I see a baby in public I might think, “Oh, might a third be a good idea?”
I haven’t gotten to the point yet where I think it is..
Beautiful! I’m not much of a crier, but my mom is. It’s wonderful how we all feel things differently 🙂
I think my mom and sister are much bigger criers than I am, in fact!
And I thought I am the only one who cries for everything, happy things and sad things..
My daughter actually cries happy tears, in her words! I think that’s amazing. I’m not sure I ever did that until adulthood.
This is such a beautiful post, Tamara! In many ways I wish I had your ability to cry. I used to cry over the small things…but something happened somewhere along the line and it’s like the tears dried up. Oh how I wish I had the ability to cry over the beautiful things in life like you can!
I’m the opposite! I used to not be able to cry and now it’s easier. I can still go long periods of time without any tears, though, despite this post!
I cry too. I cried in the first five minutes of Paddington. My daughter is used to it by now…she just gave me a hug. I don’t mind crying if I get a hug…
Aw! Totally worth it! Hugs are so healing.
I cry all the time too, at everything. It’a a blessing and a curse. Love the sponsor you chose for this post ! 😉
Thanks! Best sponsor ever, right? Today’s sponsor is the same. I feel lucky.
I’m glad you cry too! Total blessing and curse.
Sometimes I think I’ve grown hard over the years and then the simplest thing will make me burst into tears. The other day a Facebook friend of mine share a note her foster daughter wrote to hear thanking her for everything. There had just been to the last meeting and now she can be adopted. Out loud she said something like, “So I’m really officially in this family forever.” See my nose burned and eyes water just now! I must have been tired when I watched Inside Out. You’ve got to tell me how you did because I think I should have cried 😉
I’m the opposite! I’ve grown so soft! I always thought the world worked differently. You have never seemed hard to me, though!
That foster daughter story is a real tear jerker, though.
I love you. I cry at all those things too… and that gift from Scarlet’s teacher? Price-LESS. I would sob over that one…
Life is just so provocative, isn’t it? Especially love. Oh love. Lots of tears come from that… both from joy and pain and all the emotions in between.
And fart jokes… best tears around. The ones that come from laughter!
I love you too!
The Scarlet’s teacher thing.. still gets me. Luckily I just found out that someone got a photo of it. Oh, happy day! Provocative is the perfect word for love and life!
This was me, by the way. Not sure why it showed me as Anonymous on my own blog! Fools!
Tamara – I mean. This post. All the feels, especially about your Dad and Des’ questions about Cassidy coming home. I feel like I’ve steeled myself again crying and breaking down, but then the most random things bring about a waterfall of tears. But you’re right – good fart jokes do bring about the best kind of laughing tears!
This post was all over the feels! I had no idea about it. I just went upstairs to brush my teeth, stopped at my computer, and BAM. This.
I can go months without crying. At least I used to go months. Now I feel like it’s at least every week or two.
Wow! You have a lot going on inside, Tamara. We are quite fortunate that you have the gift of being able to share your beautiful thoughts with the rest of us. Thank you! I don’t cry very often, but the feelings inside are strong.
Thanks! I certainly had a lot going on last week. So glad I was able to get it out.
I don’t cry often either, even though this post makes it seem so!
Sometimes tears are the best way to embrace our moments. I find it makes it easier to appreciate the joyful seconds.
I totally agree. And I just saw Inside Out, so I’m all about the combinations of joy and sadness, and how they work well together.
So beautiful. I really want to see the movie too.
Ah, it’s so good! I think you’ll love it. And maybe bring a tissue..or seven.
I’ll bring a whole box!
This is really good! I’m a crybaby but I try to stop my tears as much as I can when I’m in front of people, whether people I know or not. But crying is really good, it releases tension!
Me too! And I’m somewhat ok with my tears now that I’m older and a mom of two but when I went to see Inside Out on Thursday, I was all alone, and crying felt weird. Luckily I got a lot of knowing looks from other people who had seen the movie.
Beautiful writing!
Thanks, as always! It was a really special week.
Sometimes I go long times without a cry, and some days, it just sort of leaks out. I figure it happens when it needs to. Maybe it’s like a Venus Flytrap that eats when it’s hungry and just stays dormant when it’s not.
So, I cry like a Venus Flytrap. This post was raw and honest. And proves that tears come in a thousand shades.
Just went I thought this post was doomed to 98 comments, you went and pushed it to 100. That makes me cry too! In a good way.
I haven’t been 100 in a while, Tamara … it was about time, wasn’t it?
I haven’t been 100 in a while, Tamara … it was about time, wasn’t it?
I find it hard not to cry after one of my kids has been in a play. That’s another time.
I cried when reading all the comments..i cried because some of the most beautiful people i will never get to meet and some of the most beautiful no so much heartahe and happiness..i cry because beatiful people should never no loose nor pain…and i cry because of all of you i know there is still hope for this place!!