Did you ever watch that new 90210 show?
What am I saying? Of course you didn’t, unless you’re my mom. Unless you’re me. I totally watched all five seasons. I really did. It started about a month before we moved cross country, and somehow I found a way to catch up on it during those long, cold, pregnant and unemployed months. Amid stress and parenting and moving yet again, and all kinds of high and low life items, I somehow watched every episode of that ridiculous show until its totally timely demise. It was absolutely ludicrous even on a good day.
..but I have this thing about story lines. I like to see them play out. I’m a writer. I like to see what other writers do.
And of course I never missed an episode of the original and I did enjoy the occasional cameos of the original cast in the beginning, when they all believed it was worth their time. One by one, they all dropped out but there was totally Brenda and Kelly tension all over again. That’s why I started watching – curiosity. And I continued for the reason I stated above – I like the completion of character and story arcs. I like to see where lives end up, however fictional. I am touched by it all – the births, deaths and romances. The ends.
There’s a feeling I get when a show ends for good. It’s a feeling I get with other real life things as well, but it’s somehow easy to transfer it onto ludicrous fiction at times. Or brilliant fiction. Whatever. I’m not so choosy. It’s this feeling I call “The Hollow.” It’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach – a cold, shocked hollow – that I get when things end. It happens a lot with shows because it’s not just the personal journey of the characters. It’s the fact that the actual actors lived it too. It was their life. They spent endless hours pretending they were someone else and making it real. It’s the journey of the characters, the journey of the actors playing the characters, and the journey of me going through my own real stories while watching. So many journeys. So much time and effort.
Whole lifetimes played out. Whole lifetimes still to go. Endings are beginnings, they say. I see that..
..but in TV land, endings are endings. They all sail over the ends of a world that isn’t round. It’s square and white and now blank. It can be picked up again in the future, as in 24’s case and should have been in My So-Called Life’s case, but mostly..no. Finality.
And that hollow feeling – it gets me nearly every time – when I’m feeling particularly emotional in my life which occurs, oh say, at least 17 times a day. 17 times a day before breakfast that is. I am very behind on my DVR so I watched the series finale of 90210 during a particularly emotional week (last) in which two little babies that I love but have never met turned one. Back before Des, I was very close with two old friends about wanting a second (and a third in one case) child. My two friends do not know each other but I was open with both of them in these journeys. They both started a month before I did, but since Des was born two weeks early and their two babies were not, Des is only two weeks behind them. And watching them turn one (through Facebook, really) when I knew when they were just ideas in their moms’ heads, well, that’s just deep. It’s deep. It’s bittersweet – this unfair passage of time.
And there is nothing ludicrous about that.
Oh one day I’ll go poetic about how the end of summer feels for me. It’s…hard for me. It’s the hollow, maybe times a million. It happens every year. For now, with summer not even technically here, I’ll only mourn the endings of school year TV and the near end of a fantastic year of my life – Desmond’s first year. My fantastic, goofy boy. His infancy ending is just the start of something grand.
The Hollow feeling in my heart..doesn’t just mean what’s been taken. It also means what’s been filled in.
This boy is fabulous and he’s going to be one in ten days! A princess birthday crown from his sister. He didn’t tolerate it for long..
“Hey girl..” Such a future Ryan Gosling with these two photos.
It won’t happen overnight but I’m aware of what’s on the horizon. I’ll say goodbye to my baby and hello to the kid he’s growing into.