The way my soul gets lost in you.
The best things in life are free, they say. I say. Like kindness and connection, and holding hands. The spark you can get from the lightest touch – even the accidental kind – and from the briefest glimmer of eye contact. That’s what gets me going, keeps me going, and holds my head up higher. The best things in life are free, like smiles and apologies. Swirling skies and golden leaves. Peanut butter and chocolate, which my friend April once described as love dipped in sex.
The finer things I feel in me.
I used to always say that the finer things happened in summer. Really, it’s all the time and everywhere, swirling and catapulting with those swirling and catapulting skies. How can I tell you what the chill in the air means to me, and all of the sensations and trepidations? I’m no stranger to the warm and cold comforts. My god, do I love flannel shirts and pants, cool crunching leaves, hot pumpkin coffee, and warm autumn stew. I love the way fall reminds me of childhood – of ill-fitting striped sweatshirts and weekends at home. Soccer games and my mom’s chili simmering evenly on the stove. Thinking of your children, and your children’s children trick-or-treating with glee. Thanksgiving tables warming cold November hearts.
It makes me think of love, and all its forms, which seem carved there in the cool stone and trees. Romantic love is the hardest for me because like Regina Spektor sang, “I always keep one foot on the ground.” I think I’ve only ever fallen in love in the fall – at least in that all-consuming, selfless, unconditional way. I think we only ever see that once, twice, however many times it takes a lifetime, and we’re lucky to feel it once. You can’t always understand it with your brain.
The truth is, though, that fall keeps me in the present. Too much sensory goodness. The endless photo shoots and how I pay particular attention to the foliage, the sunset times, and the turning of the earth around the sun. In fall, I swear I can feel it tilting – softly, swiftly, endlessly. In fall I do cool things. It leads to winter, so no one ever realizes just how much I love it. I love summer and I hate winter. Fall should be a transitioning disappointment, or a disappointing transition. Really it’s that pinnacle of change – where the past, present and future meet. Fall is picking up the pieces that summer scattered. And rebuilding them into something new. Crisp. Fresh. Exciting.
Fall gives us more chances to hunker down together over a fireplace or a bowl of soup, and the new fall lineup of TV which may be terrible, but sometimes isn’t. And sometimes, fall wears me out, like I’m constantly worried I’m coming down with something viral, which may be terrible, but sometimes isn’t. Fall is steeped in memories, and how you’ll never forget beginning every school year of your childhood. Fall is two positive pregnancy tests, one most beautifully unexpected, and one most beautifully expected. And fall is running for the school bus again.
Fall is smoke and leaves and blankets. Warm days and cold nights. And in my head, I’m sometimes somewhere even more exciting – like knee-deep in a bog in Wyoming, or on a winding road to Yosemite. Fall is shooting stars, a thick and velvety darkness enveloping you, and seeing your breath as you laugh and laugh. Fall breezes sometimes take your breath away.
Sometimes in fall, I think about places I’ve been and places I’ll go. The racing clocks and early sunsets make me restless and prowling, and nothing stills my heart. I’ll think, “Someday, I’m yours, but why not today as well? Why can’t it be now” And sometimes it can, and will be. And other times it’s about the stillness of the warm, heavy blankets and slowly stirring soup. Steady heartbeats and early nightfall. Nose in a book, feet on the ground, head in the sky. That’s me.
Life is glowing inside you and me
Please take my hand, right here where I stand
Won’t you come out and dance with me”
I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for another challenging prompt. This week’s topic is “The best things about fall…” And there’s time to write yours. Link up HERE.