Although this one mostly is. We went to the Big E on Friday. Have you ever heard of the Big E or gone to it? It’s the New England Fair, and New England is comprised of six states. So this fair is huge and overwhelming. Oddly, it’s only a town or two away from Six Flags New England, where we also have the more much fun. I’m pretty sure it gets more crowded each year.
First of all, I have the iPhone which takes decent enough photos. And second, sometimes the camera gives me great records of my children’s lives, but less of my own. More photos, but less memories in my mind. Less stories in my heart. It blocks me from total immersion in life. Sometimes, that’s great. Sometimes I can find the perfect balance. In 80 degrees, while carrying heavy things and pushing a stroller and wanting to ride a few rides? I didn’t have the energy. I reserved it for having fun.
So I rode an elephant, although I’m firmly in the camp that elephants do not belong in Springfield, MA. They always look so happy when they’re free. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it again, but it was paid for and Scarlet was begging me..
Sometimes anxiety blocks me from doing ANYTHING. I still get by in life, obviously, but an anxiety episode can last anywhere from two minutes to two hours, and I feel useless during it. At other times, I can do giant things without incident. Living large things. Partying. Traveling. Loving. Doing things that scare me. Giant needles. Root planings. Giving birth. Ain’t no thing.
It was a nice day during a somewhat anxious time. I am rebuilding my strength and getting things done again. There was a period of a few weeks in which this was very much not possible. In which I would have wanted to hide at home. So to go for a final dress fitting with Des to give Scarlet and Cassidy more time in the morning at the fair, and then to park in a very tightly packed driveway and to go into a giant fair was huge. I even saw someone barf after a ride, which usually would set me back into a near panic attack. Instead, I realized I didn’t give a sh*t. I think that’s how it must work for most non-phobics. You just can’t give a sh*t. Barf happens. I actually thought it was a little funny. And then I went with my family and ate a big lunch. It’s funny how some things don’t touch me at all when I’m not anxious, and the smallest things do when I am anxious.
I was reading one of Jenerally Informed’s recent posts about the powerful legacy of love within her family, and I knew I wanted to chime in with another story that’s in my heart. It’s one of those stories I have never had to write down, because it’s firmly protected within its power. It’s about a deceased love one. And it’s not that I’m not a believer in such things, but I’m not always a believer. Part of me would love to believe in what comes next and messages from beyond, but the other half of me is pretty happy with earth magic, and creating your own power and happiness. Maybe it’s all connected..
She passed away during the last day of my finals, first semester of my senior year of college. Her funeral was on a dry and sunny December day. Dry and sunny. December. During the ceremony, someone interrupted the Rabbi and told us all to look up in the sky. There was a double rainbow directly above us. We all saw it. One of the rainbows was vivid and one was faded. I had never seen a rainbow, much less a double rainbow, on a dry and sunny day in December. And I haven’t since.
A few years later, I was telling my co-worker the story. On a dry and sunny day in April. I walked out of my office for the day, looked up in the sky and saw a double rainbow. One was vivid and one was faded. I freaked out and ran back in to show him. He was flabbergasted. Oddly, this job was not at all far from the cemetery where my grandparents and father are buried.