Everyone watching all along
The show goes on, as the autumn’s coming
And the summer’s all gone
Still without you, the show goes on”
It was a wacky mess of a morning, but not in a bad way. The sun rose gorgeously, and I had my first morning after my first night with orthodontic aligners. I have to keep them in for 10 hours. I didn’t quite have time to remove them before the school craziness so I definitely wore them all morning, didn’t get a chance to eat and drink, and so introduced myself to new people with a very cute orthodontic lisp. Anyway, a wacky mess of a morning. Des was taking the bus. Scarlet will be taking the bus but was walking to school with five friends for the first day, so we had to take her right after Des’ bus pulled away. Rider had a visiting day for only an hour and a half at daycare. The baby slept; the dogs were groomed. I am jumping in with present tense here (on Thursday morning) to tell you that I’m thinking of those three. Are they ok? Are they thinking of me? Will my parents, who just spent two nights here and saw all three kids off, get home safely?
I’m trying.. trying hard not to put my dislike of school in their heads. Sometimes I’m projecting. They have their own souls and minds and strong hearts, so I don’t worry about me coloring their experiences. Our school district and our town/city are hurting in many ways, and so it’s the kids who suffer, while we just get angered. I hated 6th grade, but Scarlet didn’t, and Des hopefully won’t. I loved 9th grade, and I hope Scarlet and Des do too, but we all just don’t know yet. It’s a different world, though. We had our own fears in the 90s and perhaps 70s/80s kids had weird world happenings as well. I mean, we had bomb scares and a hole in the ozone layer, didn’t we? I don’t think it compares to the school shootings and viruses and climate change of right now, but maybe back then they thought the past paled in comparison to the troubles of the times.
We have our poisons and our potions. I think a lot about being 14 and how some of the crazy old fears and triggers can come back when you least expect it. I think about how old trauma dies hard, and how even more innocent triggers can look like poison when they’re not. Then again, potions come from the strangest places and embraces. Cassidy and I both don’t think we would have stayed married if we hadn’t had kids only a little over a year into our marriage. Not because of lack of love or chemistry, but because of everything else. I can only speak from my part that I was pretty emotionally stunted back then. Sometimes I still am, but not horribly. At least I can see it, mostly in time before it’s damaging. It’s more just echoes of the past; little tremors. It’s like old hauntings when you’re a new you. It stings and bruises, but it’s not wounds that scar.
And yet, that’s not the way the river flowed so we can be grateful for what we do have, even if it hurts and I am not how I imagined I would be, but I also know I’m not who I was, when I was so damaged and damaging. I never, ever will be. And yet it’s just so WEIRD this week. I know there aren’t really dull weeks but we’re all feeling it right now. Many of the people I talk to have big kids starting big schools, like middle school, high school, and even college. Many of the people I know have babies and toddlers and preschoolers too. A few of us, like me, have both. My parents were with us for a few days leading right into the first day of school, so of course I also felt like a kid again or at least remembered what it was like to be looking for new backpacks when that first night chill is settling in. It’s all WEIRD, and also wonderful, and wacky too – how I have 2-3 kids in school right now and I feel like I’m empty-nesting, when the nest is anything but empty.
It fills and empties, and we’re all on our separate journeys and flight paths. There is a common nest, though, and common goals. While it’s weird, wacky, and wonderful, or any combination of the three, it’s all due to change with the seasons and the winds. There has to be some sort of stability, and a place to reach for, and maybe fall from, knowing that the landing is always soft enough, with all of the bits and pieces and odds and ends you spent all of your time gathering.
You better try to find it before it passes you by
As I watch you walking to another cold dawn
And you keep on walking
And they keep on talking
Talking all along”
Back to school is a triggering time for parents, I believe. There are the memories of the ghost of yourself. How it felt. The new shoes. The school supplies. You can almost smell the memories this time of year.
You are far from empty nester, Tamara. But I also think you will enjoy some quiet moments while settling into the new routine. Lovely photos of your family!
Lovely family photos indeed Tamara! I tried to follow my brother’s and sister’s good example to maintain good study habits. I had to because learning and retaining was much more of a challenge for me than it was for them. As the show of life goes on l continue to gather new bits and pieces, and odds and ends while holding on to the old ones that have helped me to come this far. Someday when l feel that l’ve come far enough l’ll stop collecting and just keep recycling them all! Good Luck, and l hope you enjoy school this year Scarlet and Des!!🍀🍀
Even though my children are grown, I still “feel” the back to school vibe. It represents the passage of time, as well as a launch into something new. Even more so than the turn of the calendar year, because at that moment, daily life mostly is not going to change. In contrast, “back to school” will likely mean change, even though it includes the word “back,” which implies a return to something familiar.