Sprouting Wings.

Sprouting Wings is about finding healing from trauma through parenting and writing. And how blogging is a wonderful way to channel fear.

Sprouting Wings:

What always amazes me about my personal blogging process is, how unplanned it is. I can actually be a super-organized person but that is not the case here. There is no room for it here. At least once or twice, or three times a week, I worry that I will wind up on a Sunday, Tuesday or Thursday without a blog post. With the exception of moving, power outages and early pregnancy exhaustion that I couldn’t tell anyone about, I always publish a blog on my designated blogging days. Sometimes I vary and go for a Wednesday or Friday. Sure.

The blogging always happens though. Sometimes only in the nick of time, but often before that. I used to fly more by the seat of my pants but three fatiguing factors changed that. It grew cold and dark. I moved to a place in which my computer is no longer in the warm, common room. Then, I grew pregnant. I no longer could hope for inspiration to start at 7:00 pm for an 8 or 9:00 pm publish time. Often, I’m camped out in my “nest” by 7:00 pm – magazines, new iPhone, good book, bad TV. I write earlier in the day and often publish earlier too. We’re all earlier birds these days. At the height of summer I could publish a post late in the night and get readers.

Now, not so much.

Historically, good photography helps me write a story. News to announce, such as moving to a house, and being pregnant helps me write a story. Those are the planned blog posts. The rest of it? I often don’t know where it’s going to come from until it comes. Sometimes previous blog posts can sprout wings and gain sequels or follow-ups. It’s not so common but it’s happening right now. Two days ago, I posted about fears and anxieties concerning my second pregnancy. It was a post I didn’t know I was going to write until just before I wrote it. And until I wrote it and watched it meander and settle, it was nothing like my original idea. The follow-up comments on my blogs and personal emails to my inbox have…astounded and floored me. People have written me the most beautiful advice, ideas, suggestions I could ever imagine.

Reading it all has been therapeutic. Much, much more so than writing it. A few people have even written to tell me they think I’m courageous to have written it. Do I think so? Not. At. All. I’m not going to say it’s cowardly to publish something personal and that I don’t appreciate those words tremendously. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, sure, but does it count AT ALL if you don’t go beyond that? I think not.

The truth is, I don’t want to be a fearful, anxious, and frustrated mother. Scarlet and “Lime” deserve better than that. I don’t want to be a fearful, anxious, and frustrated wife. Cassidy deserves better than that. I don’t want to be a fearful, anxious, and frustrated person. And, I deserve better than that.

I used to think blogging would be enough for stress relief. It’s not. It’s like once in my youth when I decided to see a therapist for awhile. It wasn’t at all satisfying for me, although I imagine it was for her because she got those big checks. It stopped pretty abruptly and nothing was ever accomplished. In some ways, I felt worse for a few weeks after. My mom said something so wise. She said, “Of course you don’t feel better. You stirred up all of those buried feelings and fears but you didn’t resolve them. No resolution!” So, so true.

I think about what people do to relieve stress:

Exercise. Your body peaks and then rests. Resolution is had!

Sex, either with someone or with yourself. A resolution is had! And if not, well, do something about that.

And lots of other things – creating art, deep breathing, meditation, and much more. Photography is stress relieving to me. There’s always a resolution to me. Writing is important to me often not a resolution. Sometimes when I blog, I write out questions to the universe and they’re not always answered. I work out ideas and can tell you how I feel and maybe even why, but the lack of resolution is why blogging isn’t therapy. It’s therapeutic, but not therapy. I’m often talking at myself.

Your comments and emails? Totally therapy. It helps me piece together the broken pieces and fragments of my mind. Do I need more of this? Yes. Do I need more of just…more? Yes. And not only do I owe it to Scarlet, Cassidy, “Lime” and myself to feel glowing and fabulous, I owe it to you blog readers. You help me every day and I intend to take you on this particular journey of self-betterment. Not sure where I’m headed and how I’ll get there, but I never really do, do I?

I leave you with lines from one of my most favorite Tom Petty songs, “Two Gunslingers.” Every time I hear that song, I scream “Yes!” and put up the volume as loudly as I can:

“Two gunslingers walked out in the street and one said
“I don’t wanna fight no more.”
And the other gunslinger thought about it and said,
“Yeh, what are we fighting for?”

I’m takin’ control of my life, I’m takin’ control of my life
I’m takin’ control of my life right now, oh yeah”

So good.