Sometimes I Don’t Give Myself Enough Credit.
It was a gigantic walk outside of my comfort zone. I find I have been doing that lately, when it seems like everything is out of my comfort zone. When I’m anxious, that is the truth. When I’m not anxious, I can barely blink as large things fly at me. It’s just my way. On the way to the wedding, I gripped the steering wheel and thought that no matter what happened, if I got too nervous to even stand, if I twisted my ankle, no matter what, I still had to go to this wedding. I felt trapped. And feeling trapped can be the best propellor. Forward. One foot in front of the other. As long as I can still move forward..or sideways.
There are reasons that August makes me fall to my knees. Sometimes it’s a hollow in my stomach, and the hole in my heart.
Whenever I hear the song, “Boys of Summer” in August, I nearly can’t take it. August makes me weird because it seems like each time it comes around, and burns through like a sunset, I find myself mourning the loss of the chance to just go find moose whenever I want. And yes, long ago are the days in which I was very young with more money than I needed. Now I have more love than I ever imagined possible, so there is that. Even if I have more limits than before – money, time, and mental balance.
Not a lot of people know much about this, and that’s mainly because I’m still learning how and when to slap words around it, but when I was 16, I got randomly depressed one day. Now I get situationally anxious, and of course situationally sad, but this was different. I don’t think it was really as random as I once thought it to be. I think it had to do with my sister going to college, my friends drifting away, and the fact that I was about to embark on my longest trip ever without my family. A pretty long trip too.
I was in a relationship with someone, in title only, and I wasn’t ready for anything like it. I mean that on an honest and innocent level. I could not conceive of, or share that level of emotion. Not yet, anyway. It was too much. I didn’t have the tools for it. So I got sick – suddenly nauseous. Every time he came over. For days. At first I thought it was bad Burger King (which seems likely, right?) but it happened every time he came to pick me up for a date. As the days winded down from a trip to New Hampshire to see my parents, through these nauseous days, and towards my big Canadian trip, hurtling towards a new autumn with my sister in college and me having to start working harder to get into my first choice college..I buckled. I couldn’t contain the feelings.
It wasn’t about feeling too much, which is usually the case. It was an absence of feelings. It was like being in a black and empty room with no senses. It was dark without light, and life without dreaming. It was the sickening feeling in my stomach that everything was dead wrong, or lost forever. It was a dizzying, shifting sensation. It wasn’t growing pains, but growing torture.
I would never dream of downplaying what happened, because it was excruciating, but it did not last long. It was debilitating and torturous. It was made up of more facts than feelings. The only food that sounded good to me was apples. The only companionship I craved was with dogs or even a stray cat I met in upstate New York. I could barely drink any water, but I still set forth on my long trip and I was able to climb the Watkins Glen Gorge in this strange, hungry, thirsty, exhausted state.
At night, on that first or second night, they had a laser light show on the walls of the gorge. It was all about the history of the world and dinosaurs and humans. The light from the walls of the gorge shown a bit into my soul, little by little, and for sure.
I took that little light with me to Niagara Falls, where I was drenched on “Maid of the Mist”, charmed by happy face french fries at our hotel, and asked by smiling tourists from all over the world if I would take their photos in front of the falls.
Then we delved a little deeper into Canada. Toronto. I remember the first sight of the CN Tower, which back then was the tallest freestanding structure on land in the world. I know it was reflected in my wide eyes for miles as we got closer. I stayed up late those nights, writing postcards in a windowsill that overlooked the tower from our hostel. I won a free breakfast from the college kids who ran the hostel and I know they pulled my name on purpose. I was letting more light in, maybe more than ever before, much less on that trip. Shaking off the darkness made me stand taller, reach higher and smile wider. It was a thing.
Then we went deeper yet, into Canada and into my heart. Gananoque first, land of 1,000 islands, three hour boat cruises, and stories of heart-shaped islands built and given out of love. There were small cafes and mystical stores along the seaway. When I was 16, I didn’t know anxiety like I do now. All of the life – good and bad – was still bubbling over the surface. Finally, it was breaking wide open and spilling out. While I’m in my 30’s, I don’t know depression like I did for those four or five days when I was 16. That’s right. That’s all it was. It wasn’t chemical or chronic or long-lasting. It was brutal and life-altering, though.
[Tweet “It’s not just about what goes in. It’s about what needs to come out first.”]
Then we found ourselves in Montreal. I searched in vain for something I had been looking for since Watkins Glen, NY – raspberry ice cream. I found it in Lake George, at the tail end of our trip. On a boardwalk and with rainbow sprinkles. I was ready to go home. Little did I know, that it would take me about a decade to even start to talk about what had happened. It has no words. There was a song I listened to on my walkman during the roadtrip. It’s called “Cloud on my Tongue.” I couldn’t even listen to it for years without getting full body chills. I did it anyway. It was a good full body chills, if that makes sense. A happy high.
When I got home, I was taller and skinnier than before. I could see brighter. I started getting high on life, pretty much all of the time. Many things could trigger it. It was about connection, love, spirituality and most of all – survival. It felt/feels like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Lightheaded, but amazing. I had felt it before, as a kid, simply from a good book, a spring day, or a cookie.
When you walk away from that kind of battle in that kind of war, no matter how long or short, staggering or mild, you want to thank someone. You want to credit someone. For some people, it’s God. Or Gods and Goddesses. For some people, it’s other people. And I have never figured out where I stand on that, I admit, but what I really want to do in retrospect is to thank myself.
I found the courage and strength I needed within myself. It’s not always the way and it’s not often the way and maybe it’s not even the best way, but it’s how I approach my adulthood situational anxiety. This set the stage for how I would begin to deal with trauma within my life. Splitting apart to let the light in, no matter how much it hurts, or seems unbearable.
Every day I’m still learning. Every day I’m still finding new ways to talk about August of 1996, even though it’s all been much higher, lower and more intense since then. It all had to start some time, didn’t it? And I’m so very grateful that it did.
These days I’m learning to talk about it more, and write about it, and even shout about it, rather than fight my own battles only. That’s my next step on this journey. Reaching in. Then reaching out.
Tamara, I felt all your pain and emotions here. Beautifully written and my heart is aching and yet there is so much hope there, too now. Love you my friend and am here always if you need me.
So much hope, always. And that’s where I’ve always felt luckier than some people must be. And also more unlucky that many people who don’t ever have anything like this. Love you too, my friend!
Holy bat post this was a powerful read, Tamara! I was completely caught up in not only the words of the your emotion but YOUR emotion in their raw form. For me personally, this was the most incredible piece of writing I’ve ever read from you. I’m listening to my new fav writing song (from the movie “Bears” that I watched last night) which is “Carry On” by Olivia Holt. I was just cast away and caught up in this candid reflection from days past to today for you. “It was like being in a black and empty room with no senses”…been there. And absolutely you should give yourself a pat on the back every minute of every day! You have earned and deserved it. Thank you for sharing this, our friend 🙂
Every time I hear that a new post is a favorite of someone’s, it just makes my day and reminds me that I haven’t lost my light. Thank you so much.
I am literally choked up. I have been there. I felt that. Your words are extremely powerful and overwhelming, but in a good way. I am so honored to know you and get to read what you share.
I am choked up reading this comment. I first read it last night so I went to sleep with such nice thoughts. I am honored to know you too and happy we found each other in this crazy, fun blogging world.
This felt like so much dark going out and so much light coming in that I couldn’t wait to be No. 100. I couldn’t cap it 3s. All I could do is say, “yes, this.” I see it in you, and I’ve known it in myself. Beautiful.
It is a bit like Christmas getting a comment from you on the night it is posted. I can’t even think of anything to say to be witty! Right now, this is enough. Thank you.
This post was enough! I usually like to wait and see what everyone else has to say … I didn’t want to this time. I didn’t want to wait.
I think perhaps you should post twice. One with your initial reactions, and one when you’ve seen what everyone else has said. That’s what you should do. Look at me making people do work when they don’t have to at all!
I read it twice anyway, so what the hell?
I thought 42 times?
I meant forty-twice.
Well then I owe you an ice cream for all the times you click on my page. Rum raisin, right? Just kidding. Who the heck likes rum raisin anyway?
Someone’s grandpa probably does.
I’d take it, though.
Ok I admit it. When I was writing this originally I had someone in mind. My kids’ grandpa loves rum raisin.
What a remarkable journey of self-exploration and discovery that you’ve brought us on. I’m glad that after five days you found your way out… and it was in my beautiful Canada that you were touched and saved from darkness.
I’ve been there my friend. I know that dark place. I’ve encountered it exactly three times in my life. It is a dark hood that covers you and the weight of it is smothering. I thank God that I always find a light to look to. I haven’t felt that darkness for a long time but in this world our beacons of hope often shift… the only thing I find constant is God and my love for Him.
Your photographs are beautiful Tamara… and your writing is so eloquent.
Thank you for sharing this vulnerable part of you.
xoxo
I will always be in awe of Canada because of that.
I took it very personally. And I still want to thank Canada and the people in it. Sometimes I still do, because every single one of them brought out my inner light so thank you for that!
Love this “I let the light in, so some of the darkness could finally escape out. I put one foot in front of another.” Beautifully written.
Light is the only way to really eradicate the darkness and pain .I’ve been there and found that truth for myself.
Kudos for you on the wedding, nerve wracking for sure! I actually was looking at my wedding pictures tonight thinking how nervous I would be to do that 🙂
I have thought the same thing many times about my own wedding photography!
I think the combination of having succeeded at that, and written this post, makes me feel very light at the end of this intense weekend.
Those dark places can be overwhelming. I have spots of them myself. There is always light at the end of the tunnel…it’s just a matter of finding your way through. The way you weave your story is amazing.
Thank you! I just love to use photos and I thought about how on that day, my son was going through a journey of stepping into the light. This was at the end of winter. And we do go through dark spots, and many of us find our way out. It’s a gift.
Tamara, this is such a gorgeously written post! The dark places suck, but sometimes out of is the brightest light. I understand all too well anxiety…you know I do, but from some of those situations I’ve had the best outcomes. I don’t know how you do it, but your writing is so compelling and always takes me to another level emotionally. Its so refreshing! 🙂
Thank you! And it is always so refreshing to hear how I can impact someone, however in small or large ways. It’s funny because anxiety is my problem and not depression. Other than this spot of darkness, it has not been a part of my life. Anxiety is terrible and suffocating, but I actually prefer it.
I love that you wrote and wrote and wrote about this. I especially love all the pictures of Des!! The words were so painful and then the smiles of Des!! I feel like that was intentional to actually see the pull of your different emotions – so strong in both directions – happy and sad, light and darkness. So well written and hopefully you feel like you shed some of the pain through this!! xoxoxo
I couldn’t stop writing and writing and writing! The photos were so intentional because that was when he discovered how to step into the light after our long winter. He learned to walk in the winter, but he didn’t learn to walk outside until the spring. You have to allow the light and all. xoxo!
Wow. This post was so timely for me to read as our oldest embarked on a journey and I know felt darkness and anxiety and it was hard to watch. My wish for him was to let light in, just like you did… To find that inner strength. I think it sets the stage, as you said, for how you handle future dark periods. You did it. YOU. And you can then believe you could do it again. Love your writing and your heart and soul which shines through.
Love your writing and your shining soul! And he is probably about the age I was then. Every year I get a little sad that I’m another year away from it, but I’ve discovered so much else in this wonderful world. He will shine, because he has a wonderful family. Like I did and do!
I think it is so, so important to remember our strengths. After all, they seem to be the easiest things to forget sometimes, don’t they?
Yes! Isn’t it like the first thing to go?
I’ve been in that dark place a few times myself. I know that dark place but I also know there is always light ahead, just gotta keep on going. One step at a time. One part of your post that kept coming back to me was you feeling nauseous every time your boyfriend came over and picked you up. I had that exact same feeling with my ex husband. Yet I chose to ignore it. You know the rest of the story. I thought I was just imagining things and that it was probably some weird stomach bug.
That is so telling, isn’t it? I do imagine that this boy and I were not perfect matches. And maybe that’s what my stomach was telling me, rather than telling me that no one was a match for me.
I think every time you get out of the darkness, that helps you for the next time you go in there. You remember that you know your way out no matter
what it takes.
“Circles and circles and circles again… I’ve got to stop spinning”
This was beautiful T. Just so powerful- your story. Your light coming forth flickering it’s brightness all over everything that surrounds you. I am so glad you had the courage to take this fateful steps, even whilst existing in that dark place.
Sometimes it takes a very literal peel from our world to enter another that can ultimately scrape off the thick skin of darkness and consequently letting out that light that was trapped within. Those moments in Canada surely did that for you… freedom indeed!
It’s so interesting that what I was most afraid of proved to be healing for me. There is freedom in that. In exploration and the moving out of your circles and out of your footsteps.
Raw emotions right there! Powerful post Tamara. Why do we allow ourselves to wallow in dark thoughts sometimes? But we learn to let go and to open up to let the light in, and that’s what matters most I think. Hugs!
Hugs to you! I couldn’t believe how raw it felt to write this even though this was 18 years ago!
What a raw emotional powerful post. Your posts are always emotional but I don’t think I’ve read this much emotion in your posts lately compared to this one. I was hooked from the very first sentence. I can totally understand and see where you’re coming from in this post since I’ve been there as well. We just have to let the light in no matter how difficult it may seem.
For some reason, my really raw ones come out a lot in the summer when most people are taking it easy with blogging. So much history to me. So much present and future too.
“It’s not always the way and it’s not often the way and maybe it’s not even the best way, but it’s how I approach my adulthood situational anxiety.” I think the “best way” is the way that works for you. It might not work for everyone, but if it helps you than that’s what matters, right?
True! Only I don’t know if it always helps. Sometimes I think it postpones rather than confronts the demons.
Its amazing how something can change you and stay with you forever. Then you are talented enough to put it into words. Thank you for sharing, your descriptions were moving.
Oh my God thank you. I didn’t think I could do it any justice, 18 years later.
I’ll never forget August of 1996, either. I was going through chemo and losing all my hair! Writing about it in the early days of my blog really helped me work through some of the darkness and fear. There are still challenges, but all the love that has found me blesses me every day!
That was a big summer for you. And look how amazingly far you have come.
I totally cry at the “Boys of Summer” as well. Reminds me of the year I graduated high school, and it seemed like there was a finality. I imagine if we all shared our stories, we’d see that each of us struggles with darkness, although in different ways and at different times. Focusing on the hope of a better tomorrow can be helpful, and having friends and family around to remind us of this very real hope is critical.
I agree. So critical. And that song is totally fine for me any other time of year. The end of summer is very sad for me. I feel like it’s the end of dreams, but sometimes it’s just the beginning.
I haven’t been to Gananoque since I was kid. Must take my kids there.
I will never stop being amazed at how your words can evoke so much feeling in the rest of us….and at how brave you are in the face of your powerful emotions. I think the world is a better place because you let that light in. Thank you for sharing yourself with us…and for sharing all of those cute photos of Des 🙂
You should go back! I would love to take my kids to all of these places.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes I feel very non-brave, and the writing about it doesn’t help enough. And other times it does. That’s when I feel like I’m probably getting out the most raw thoughts.
This was so beautiful. You write from so deeply inside your heart and sometimes I feel like you are writing from a dark, secret place inside mine too, telling stories that I have the matches to and haven’t yet uncovered.
I was telling Eli the other day that sometimes when you write, I feel the same way. Like you’re in my head and heart too. But I just realize we are very much alike in a lot of ways.
Wow. I could feel how cathartic that post was. And what a trip! Thanks so much for digging deep. I feel like I know you a lot better now.
Why, thank you! I definitely needed to dig deep this time. I do feel lighter.
There is so much pain and emotion in this post. When I was done reading, I couldn’t comment. I had to come back to it. So much going on at such a young age. I was hurting for you. If I wrote something like this, something so personal for the world to read, I would feel light as a feather. We all struggle and you really are so brave to share. I’m here for you, whatever you may need!!!
I’m glad you came back, and offering your support like always. It was very raw to write, and I’m very glad I could get these words out so many years later.
I can’t quite explain it, but your posts are always exactly what I need to read.
And of course Canada makes everything better! xoxox
Isn’t that funny sometimes? It’s like we really are all connected. And we are. Not just “like” connected. Canada is amazing.
The light gets in through the cracks, doesn’t it? I’m glad you are giving yourself credit, Tamara. You reach out with your words and your photographs, and you have so many people reaching back. I’m honored to be one of them.
It was probably about time to give myself some credit. I’m always honored to have found you and for you to have found me.
This post really resonated with me, Tamara! Please know that you are bit alone, that I see and hear myself on your words. Thank you for writing this, for letting the light in, and for being brave.
Ps. Congrats on your first wedding shoot!!!
Thank you for that! It made me so nervous! Alwsys so good to know I am not alone and surrounded by beautiful and talented people.
I heard “Safe and Sound” earlier today and wanted to tweet it out to you as it happened. And then I had to pick up the babysitter and then I had to go to work and bake granola and pay a few bills and then I decided to scroll down Facebook and found the link to your post and oh. my. First of all, I am so choked up and the amount of heart and soul you shared here today and share here every day and yes yes yes to the wisdom about what has to come out first. Yes. And yes, give yourself some credit. Because maybe God helps when we’re in that place and and maybe our friends help when we’re in that place but we need to have the willingness to get through those places to get through them and you did. Thank you for this incredible post. It’s a new favorite. Although the other favorites and still my favorites too. xo
Love you! A comment from you is like gold. I do think that you might be right. Maybe it is all connected. Gods and gods and goddesses and friends and self. We all help each other.
This is beautiful and powerful and honest and amazing. I’ve been in some dark places too…though I had no idea how dark they were. Looking back is when I realize how bad it was. Thank you for shining your light through your beautiful, thoughtful, real words and breathtaking photos.
It’s funny because sometimes I look back and think that they were not that bad, but that’s only because I managed to crawl out of the dark spots. Thank you so much for chiming in.
I love the way the pictures of Des go along to this post almost too perfectly. I also love how choice-based these revelations of yours are coming to be, and how you’re stepping out of your comfort zone so frequently these days. I feel your power growing! The light is always warm and without it, nothing thrives, lives or can be seen for what it really is. And can I just say that on facebook when you said you didn’t think you had the personality for wedding photography only to realize you SO have the personality for it made me smile! And on a totally unrelated (and yet relevant) note…RASPBERRY ICE CREAM?! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. YUM! Worth searching for.
It’s so funny! I saw a photo with raspberry colored ice cream in New York and I dwelled on it the whole 10 days or so. But I looked everywhere for it, even looking for the French name for raspberry in Montreal.
And I appreciate it tabout the photos. It was one of the first warm days and he was learning how to walk outside in the sun but he was scared. So I took photos of it.
I always love your posts. The way you’re so open and honest is incredibly refreshing.
I’m sure your wedding photos are beautiful. I love your photography. As I’ve said before, if I lived closer, I’d totally book you to take photos of us. I mean, I might have to make farting noises for Natalie to get her to cooperate, but I know they’d turn out amazing!
You would definitely get a deep discount for being my assistant with the farting noises!
And thank you. I always love your posts for their honesty.
Depression is scary, so glad you were able to find your way out of it.
I loved seeing all the photos of Des. He is such a cute little guy.
You’re right – so scary. And I honestly can’t imagine fighting it day after day. That short burst of it 18 years ago was enough for me.
Des is really coming into his own lately!
Your honesty is overwhelming, I’ve never been so moved when reading a post. I’m glad you were able to share this and now move forward.
I’m not sure I’m often this moved by reading a comment! And of course I was SO moved by your post this morning. My comment couldn’t do it justice. The way you shared your beautiful crying face like that. And admitted the anxiety of having her gone all day.
I get it. Well, I will soon.
When I’m feeling anxious, and not at all brave, it’s literally about putting one foot in front of the other. After I’ve made it, that feeling of survival is so powerful! I love how you are letting the light in. And your pictures are gorgeous as always!
Yes, that feeling! It’s what superheroes feel like. And I think healing yourself, or healing yourself with the help of others is heroic. No one has to suffer in silence.
I hope that you can learn to give yourself more credit! I truly think that you are amazing!!! The gift you have with words is so incredible – I always read these posts and feel like I can see and feel your thoughts all the way into your soul!
And your pictures are always a story all by themselves!!!
Well I think you are amazing too! One of the gifts of your blog is that people really feel like they know you. And of course want to meet you!
Seriously love how raw and open you are with your experiences and the eloquent way in which you share your emotions! So beautiful, Tamara! And such an awesome, true analogy. We definitely have to be split open at times to let the dark out before the light can shine in, I’ve been there too. And how cool to have such a life altering experience so young that taught you how to handle life.
Thank you! I feel like I’ve had a few posts that were so raw lately. I blame August! Can I do that? September should be interesting too..
Can I say that I am so happy…that for at least awhile Canada was your happy place somewhat? Because I totally get it – since the 1000 Islands is the playground of my youth. The water was where I usually escaped to when I felt lost. It was the thing I touched and it pulled me back — by pulling me out of myself; if that makes sense.
And even though I’ve moved from my hometown — I still feel the draw back to water. Like I am just a ripple seeking a wave to ride to the larger part.
So raw and beautiful when you write like this.
What a lovely place to be able to visit often. For me it was only once. I know one day I’d like to go back. I’ve been to Toronto since and it wasn’t the same, but how could it have been? I didn’t need the same things from it.
I am happy that you were able to let the light in Tamara. You are able to take us to that dark place with your words, yet you bring us out too. You have a gift and I am not sure if you realize how many you are helping by writing this. I have family members who suffer from depression and your words help me understand it better. I also love the photos of Des who is a doll. I hope the light continues to shine on you.
It really helped me understand it better! I didn’t have it for long but I was able to see an inkling of what people struggle with. So hard. Not that anxiety is a walk in the park but for me, I can still often see the light when I have bouts with it. Barely but surely.
Wow great post, magic photos <3 Have a wonderful day, Tamara!!!
Thank you! Have a wonderful week!
Your words are so lovely 🙂 – Baby steps right? It’s hard being in that darkness – it’s a sickening feeling. You sort of lose yourself during prolonged moments like that. How was your first wedding?! That’s so awesome – hope you’ll get to share some of the photos. Hehe. I’m on call this week so I’ll be more quiet than normal just because it takes so much mental focus to be prepared to respond that I just want to nap,lol. 🙂 Happy Tuesday lovely -Iva
You’re right. It is a sickening feeling. Literally and figuratively, if that makes sense. I hope I will share some wedding photos! I’ll have to check with her when I’m done. So far, so good. Hope you’re having a lovely Tuesday!
You’ve certainly learned, and keep learning, about yourself through all of the ups and downs of life. When you said the emptiness of feelings, I related. Sometimes life *is* so overwhelming that it does feel empty. Thank goodness for sunshine and bubbles and smiles to fill it again :). Congrats on shooting your first wedding!
Thank you! I always said I would never shoot a wedding, but it was the right one at the right time. I think that makes a difference. I think when you’re talking 16 hour days in a hotel, then I may balk with kids my age! What about you?
16 hours! Crazy! I’d balk too :).
I have a friend who is 10 years older than me, and she has two young kids, and she does 16 hour weddings. She tells me that she’s too old for it but she still does it! I tell her that she’s amazing. Mine was five hours and I was so wiped out you can’t believe. A lot of it was emotional too.
How beautifully written, Tamara. You deserve credit (and maybe Canada a tiny bit?)! Adolescent years are sometimes the hardest as we don’t even understand our own feelings. Our bodies tell us more than our brains at that age. When I was 16 I fell in love for the first time and the boy also fell in love with me. He moved away temporarily a few months later. We didn’t break up. I got sick for the first month he was gone. I couldn’t eat. My nerves were taking over my body. I didn’t understand it at the time but I guess it’s like being ‘heartsick’. Keep letting that light in, Tamara. Your pictures are beautiful and I see you taking in the light from your little one!
Thank you for sharing that story! More and more I have heard about being heartsick. And it seems to peak at that age. I remember friends going through breakups and losing weight because they couldn’t eat. And you know when you are heartbroken as a teen, you think it’s terminal! Actually I felt that way when I was older too. I had a very bad broken heart in my 20s and it took a full year to get over. I did get over it, though! I fell in love again. Until that boy who broke my heart called me again and we’re now married with two kids and three pets!
That’s such a cool story!
Thank you! It could’ve so easily not been a cool story. I imagine I still would’ve found a fulfilling life but I don’t know where!
I hope you dumped that guy when you got home – lol – probably not the point – lol
Great Pics love the ones with the bubbles
Have a good day 🙂
Haha! Sue, I needed that. We did break up but we never really talked about it. It was just over the way it had never really started. Ah, young love.
And once again, you have hit home for me. And funnily enough, my depression started around 16… Just like you. People would NEVER think I was ever depressed, but yes, yes I was. There were a lot of traumatic events that took place in my life that I just could not grasp and no one understood them, thus it was depressing. I got very very very sick too in the process… But all that being said, I have come out on top and I truly believe it’s because of my amazing support system. Not a day goes by when I don’t thank ever fiber of their beings for helping and supporting me regardless! I know, without them, I would probably not be alive right now – yes, that sounds pretty dramatic, but it’s 100% true. I am here for you girl, seriously, email me if you need to talk, I know you have an amazing support system too, but I just feel like you and I have so much in common, that we could totally bounce our thoughts off each other ALL THE TIME!
I still can’t figure out why we aren’t neighbors yet! One more bad winter here and it might come true. I always want to friend you on Facebook but then I lose my nerve. Today I am going to try! Feel free to ignore it. I think it’s amazing how much mental illness can affect our physical bodies. And our diets. And I know you know that so much better than me. Depression, other than those several days, has never come back. But you know I have anxiety.
Well to be completely honest and selfish, I HOPE this winter is a BAD ONE for you – so you can move to CALI! lol!
And WHY on earth would I ignore your friend request! Pah LEEZE! ha ha
Sometimes, occasionally, I am slightly shy. Luckily I took the plunge! And they are predicting a bad winter!
So beautiful and full of hope! It’s hard to believe that good things can come from pain, but it’s true, and this is a wonderful reminder.
Thank you! And I can’t believe it works that way but it does. Hope everywhere!
I’ve never encountered someone or friends I’ve met personally who experience anxiety. Or at least none of them is open and strong enough to talk about it. I’m glad you’re using your voice to let this all out because I can never be too sure how it feels. Sometimes I think I’m very anxious about something but I don’t really know if that’s it. I love how you’re learning to let the light in. I guess we all owe it to ourselves.
That is so interesting! Where I live, the majority of my friends have admitted to some struggles with depression or anxiety or both. So it’s either a geography thing, an age thing, or just that we are more open about it in my town! Who knows?
I love your desire to thank yourself. That’s something I’m trying to do more of. There’s so much talk of showing gratitude to God, to your family, to your friends, but a lot less chatter about thanking yourself for getting you through the toughest of times.
Can you imagine if people thanked themselves in their Academy award speeches? The media would be all over it! However, they did it! They were good actors! Or writers, directors, etc. They deserve some of that credit!
First off, congratulations on your first wedding! I’m sure your photographs were amazing. I’m so sorry you had to deal with such darkness at such a young age. I can’t imagine what 16 must have been like with that level of pain. I am grateful for you that you found the light and have found ways to identify how it has helped you over the years, too.
The teen years can be very hard! I’m lucky that mine were mostly smooth and not depressed, other than these few days. I do shudder to think of my own kids becoming teens.
Oh Tamara, this is beyond stunning. You write so much from your core, your head and your heart and in a way that resonates so much with me. The darkness can be so overwhelming sometimes and yes, we do need to let some of it out in order to let some of the light in. Congrats on your first wedding my friend.
Thank you so much. It really does keep me a lot saner than I would be, being able to come here and talk to friends. That’s what writing feels like in this community.
Do you know, Tamara, that you have a lot of light in you? And it comes out through your writing and photography. Even as you experience the darkness, the anxiety, your own light saves you. If that makes any sense?
It does. It makes perfect sense. Thank you immensely.
Oh, this. I love everything about this post. Every word. Cloud on my Tongue… always a favorite. I love that there’s a Tori connection there and I hope she was as beneficial/helpful to you in times of struggle as she was with me (PS: She gave an amazing concert the other night. It was like going to see an old friend).
I think I’ve already related to you feelings of hopeless and anxiousness that seemingly come from nowhere, so reading your words helps, truly. It’s good to know we are never completely alone, isn’t it?
Congrats on photographing your first wedding, girl! That’s amazing; first of many, I’m sure.
And big things are possible–faith and trust in oneself is always necessary. XOXO
Good old Tori! And I don’t know if you were a reader yet, but I did talk about her new song Promise recently. Maybe you did see that come to think of it.
I think these situational and general mental illnesses probably can come and go for nearly everyone at some point. It is so nice to know that even the ones who suffer a little bit (or a lot) more are not alone.
I clicked over from the old school post to read your favorite for the summer. Wow. This is very deep, personal, and powerful. I love how you used photos of Des to perfectly illustrate it. I don’t know if it was intentional or not but you wrote out of the darkness on this one. I feel better and I didn’t feel worse. You know what I mean?
I think it was all both accidental and intentional, if that makes sense.
And thank you so much for clicking over here too.
Oh I forgot to say congrats on the wedding. They are really hard. We don’t do weddings anymore because the clientele changed when we moved here. It’s a military town so I imagine people here go “home” to get married. I think we’ve done about 3 in the last ten years but we don’t advertise it – it’s strictly sports. I
Thanks! It was so hard. I know people do it for a living, but I honestly can’t imagine. My career is so interesting because I do anything from air-conditioning units to weddings.
Whoa – I need to read this again. All I kept thinking of was the indigo girls song.
I’m trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you’ve ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I’m crawling on your shore.
Congrats on the wedding. I love how you are challenging yourself to grow and embracing your fears. PS. I went to Reiki this morning and the woman reminded me of you. and she was fabulous (like you).
Well I hope that fabulous woman gave you fabulous Reiki! My mom practices it, I might have told you once.
And I love the lyrics of most Indigo Girls songs!
it’s so strange how we can get to that dark place. i remember being so confident and happy with my life, but in this horribly destructive relationship. what was wrong with me?! i have no idea. i think you have to experience all of that in life, the ups and the downs, to truly feel happiness.
My sister has been in a lot of destructive relationships, but she radiates light and love elsewhere. It always confused me. Now I can really see how the darkness can seep in.