Scarlet went to summer camp for four weeks this summer. It was a pilot program through her preschool and there were only four weeks offered, so we gobbled up all four and nearly begged for more. There were/are no more. I was honestly ok about her last day of preschool itself because it was Des’ birthday and I had to stay cool. And it was raining, which is ridiculous anyway. And, I knew she still had another month. I knew she had summer camp at the preschool. And on the last camp day, which was on my birthday because we can’t do anything halfway in this freakin’ family and in this freakin’ world, it occurred to me that I’d never see her bounce out of that building again as a student. Hunched under the weight of her too-big backpack because my child is FIERCE and she opens her mouth to have straight fairy wisdom come out of it, but she is pretty much the size of a three-year-old.
Yesterday I got the emails about school starting. It’s one month until kindergarten starts. It’s one month until Des’ part-time daycare starts. A day apart for them, because we can’t do anything halfway in this freakin’ family and in this freakin’ world.
That right there is what I need to see. It’s a love story – do you see it? It’s comfort and breakdowns and love and letting go and letting back in. It’s a love story between mother and daughter. I have my own love story. It started on July 9th, 2009 and the love wasn’t overwhelming at first. It wasn’t. How could it be? I was tired and hungry and I needed a shower and I wanted the whole world out of my hospital room, and yes, even my husband. I wanted to hear no voices telling me what to do/feel/love.
It’s our story. It’s our love story. She comes from a long line of strong and opinionated women, and most importantly – POSITIVE women. Being positive. That opens doors, much more than good hair and good luck and good brains. And whatever else they say.
I’ve been weepy lately and pinning photos of teeny, tiny baby clothes, and articles about morning sickness. And you know what? I’m not even remotely pregnant or trying to be, for that matter, but I am experiencing a birth and rebirth. Of myself. And of her, through my own memories and photos. I was setting up her stuffed animals on her bed after washing her sheets yesterday and I was overcome with a wave of grief. That’s how it comes. In waves. I thought of everything that was lost – the preschool, the teachers, the classmates, the friends. And then I realized that nothing was really lost at all. Just gained. So very gained.
Every year we only feel like we lose so much because we gain so much instead. Hearts and minds expand – to fit it all in. To comprehend the slow, delicate baby steps needed to transition from sobbing about kindergarten to even THINKING about college and the like. Weddings and babies and whatnot. It takes baby steps and little hands and big, big bravery and big, big support.
I didn’t expect it to hurt this much, is all. It’s not even pain so much as lightheaded panic, masking the deep-rooted pain. Every now and then I can pull a weed out, and notice how entrenched and long the roots were in the earth. It feels great – each weed. It didn’t even hurt this much when I was the one making these transitions as a child, because I was flying ahead of endings and goodbyes and graduations. I was reveling in summer and Myrtle Beach vacations, and I wasn’t even looking back and thinking, “What must she feel? To say goodbye to another year? To say goodbye to another me? To say goodbye to another her?”
Maybe she handled it in stride, as I don’t. Maybe she sobbed into my covers, when I wasn’t home. Maybe I’ll ask her myself.
you’re not alone
when I am broken down
we all break down
when every door is closed
there is one more
will you look for me?
I will rescue you”
It’s pretty timely with this post about kindergarten angst, because it’s back-to-school themed! It’s time to head back to school, and I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes to offer an awesome Back-to-School Giveaway for kids and moms!
Three lucky winners will receive a backpack stocked with school supplies (and Boogie Wipes) and a Mommy Clutch – full of everything moms needs (including gift cards!)
How to Enter
From following Boogie Wipes on social media to instagramming a picture of your favorite Boogie Wipes products, there are dozens of ways to enter – and a few ways to enter every single day.
Looking for Great Back-to-School Ideas?
Visit the Boogie Wipes blog for six back-to-school ideas for parents, plus a coupon to save on your favorite Boogie Wipes products.
Giveaway is live Tuesday, August 5, 2014 until midnight on August 22, 2014. US and Canada residents only (excluding Quebec). Three winners will be randomly chosen and notified via email. Tamara (Like) Camera received no compensation for sponsoring this event, and is not responsible for the delivery of the prize. Prize delivery is the sole responsibility of Boogie Wipes.