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Pocketful of Kryptonite.

So often, writing is used as a problem solver.

Do you ever feel that? It introduces questions and answers them. Writing soothes and heals, and stirs you up, and eases you down. It lifts you up, and lets you down. Sometimes it makes problems even bigger, if you’re interrupted. It would be like going to therapy and boiling up all your problems – heated and forefront in your heart, head and hands – and then not working out those problems. Leaving the door open. Setting the cooking oil on high and walking away, before getting burned by the splatters. It gets hotter and higher and hotter and higher and those splatters start reaching out of the pot and into the room.

All of this is just a dramatic and rambling way to say that writing can mess with your mind. So often, I don’t know how I feel about something until I write about it. I guess it takes clearing out the mental cache and reaching into the darkest recesses. How do I feel about it? Well, I think I know, but I won’t really know until I sit home and let the words and tears pour out. I’ll probably feel sick afterwards, but it’s ok. It will either get further repressed or further worked out. Maybe both. Neither?

I know I’m in a funny mood, but I also know that I come here for the knowledge, if nothing else.

My kryptonite is.. the unknown. A sick feeling. A trigger of PTSD. The wrong tone of voice. What does it MEAN? And why?

Thing is, I don’t know. And that might be the worst part of it.

Sometimes I know, but then I don’t know how to deal with it “properly” or whatever that means. I can get stuck in my head and in my stomach. It hurts. A throbbing ache of something bothering me, but what? I don’t even know. Anymore or Anything.

My kryptonite is.. being stuck. In thoughts and feelings, love and life, desire and longing, inactivity and paralysis, under here and outside over there, unable to do anything. Frozen in headlights and accusations. Overwhelmed under. Frozen over.

My kryptonite is..an endless string of smooth days and healthy nights, and then one anxious disastrous one. It doesn’t matter that it happens rarely and that I fight it often. I dwell just on the fact that it happened. That it can happen. That it will.

Thing is, I don’t know. And that might be the worst part of it.

There’s something fearful and eternal and deeper than you might know – when we chat on the street about cardigans and bagels – that sometimes I’m thinking about Jabberwocky nightmares, and those taken from us, or given to us. Too soon.

My kryptonite is.. the doctor’s office, because even after perfect dental visits and giving birth twice, and surviving muscle aches and kid illnesses, and change, and more change, and travel and planes, and building a better life. Even though it hurts. I walk into that office and I can’t look at him because he knows. He knows that I can’t help but think I’m dying too, of heart attacks and diabetes and high blood pressure. Despite every piece of evidence to every contrary thought, it doesn’t matter. I’m marked, by early trauma. And he knows and I know. No matter how brave I can be, I can still cower and shake and cry.

My kryptonite is.. not feeling my feelings when and where I’m supposed to feel them, but instead they are felt prematurely or delayed, and in all the wrong body parts. What are the right ones, I wonder? From your eyes in tears?

From your mouth in words? From your ears in listening?

But hey, you didn’t ask me for my super hero powers; just my kryptonite. So next time, you’ll ask me about my super hero powers, and I can talk about family and love and opening hearts, and dressing up and going out and reaching out and and..

That would be an even longer post, wouldn’t it?

And now I think I get it. Not exactly what my kryptonite is, and what to do about it. Nor to accept that we all have our kryptonite(s) and that’s ok. It’s all ok. What I know not is all the answers, but what I know is some of the questions and problems. What I know is solutions that have halfway worked, or worked half of the time. What I know is seeking and further reaching. What I know now is how to write a little post about kryptonite – and find more than I was looking for anyway.

Isn’t that what it’s about? Getting closer. Getting a closer. This is my closer, today.

It may not be what you think it will be. It may change, and change again. That’s ok. This week’s particularly cool Finish the Sentence Friday topic is “My Kryptonite Is…” and there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.

My kryptonite is.. outtakes. So many outtakes..

..and in accepting that outtakes are a healthy part of the journey.

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72 Comments

  1. I love this. Seriously, life’s outtakes are truly a big one here, too and learning to accept the good, the bad and the ugly is something I am a work in progress myself, too for sure. But still nice to know I am not alone in the least 😉

  2. Love this! And I love Groot. My daughter would be very excited to see him walking down the street. I like how some people in your photos are like, “What the heck?”

  3. I absolutely love this post! I feel the same way & it makes me feel better knowing that it isn’t just me. Your kids are adorable and that costume ROCKS! I hope your having a great day today.

  4. You poor baby, I just want to hug you! I understand your fears, I really do – and I an inspired by your bravery! Your Kryptonite will not win!

    1. Aw, virtual hugs! Honestly I wrote this during a trying week, and I will get into that later of course, but of course, the light always shines through.

  5. I feel like I could just copy this, add my own pictures, and call it my own. You write so beautifully and I understand everything you’re feeling. The pictures of your husband as Groot are award worthy!

    1. I so knew you’d understand most or all of it!
      Thanks about the photos! They’re from last March, but I’ve been slow to share them for some unknown reason.

  6. I love every bit of this, Tamara. We share some of the same kryptonites. But we have the tools to beat them, don’t we? Or at least we have people surrounding us that help us bear them.

    1. We totally do! The people, the tools, the way that the people are the tools, and the best tools are the people.
      Yup.
      And I wrote this in a funny mood – as you may know. There’s a secret message in there.

  7. I always enjoy your funny family photos, Tamara. I didn’t know who Groot was until I saw Cassidy dressed as Groot in photos of your recent blogs. I think Groot and the Jolly Green Giant may somehow be related. Des would make the cutest Sprout! Your super powers will always prevail Tamara, and every time you use your super powers to overcome your kryptonites, your super powers will become even stronger!

    1. Groot could definitely be related to the Jolly Green Giant! I agree about Sprout.
      We all have our super powers, don’t we? I do feel stronger and stronger every now and then.

  8. Oh my gosh I wish I was there to see people’s reactions to the costume! And what an honest reveal of your doctor’s visits. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and kryptonites Tamara.

  9. I will always remember the line, delivered so beautifully by Judi Dench, in ‘Chocolat’ – “Don’t worry so much about ‘supposed to.”

    Beautiful unravelling of your thoughts, and I’m glad you know how to counter them, and you know you DO counter them 🙂

    1. I do! I do! This was written during a strange time – only hours before my nephew was born prematurely yesterday. That said, it was about kryptonite so I suppose it would have been dark either way. I was so happy with this topic because it challenged me way more than most!

      1. Ahhh but there were good Kryptonites, I think, later on. There were ones which had different powers and abilities – they didn’t ALL prove to be Superman’s undoing.

        This topic challenged me, too, massively. I think this blog hop (in the years I’ve been taking part) has been THEE most ‘unravelly’ of all the different writings I’ve done.

        Is your nephew ok? I hope he is. There’s really excellent premie care now, but it’s always a bit worrisome.

        1. Really? Now I need to research this on Google, or with my nerdy husband who probably read the comic books.
          My nephew is ok, thanks! They think he might be farther along than 32 weeks. Even 34 weeks is tough, but he’s changing every day. Opening his eyes and upping his milk intake a LOT. I think when she can finally breastfeed him, instead of pumping, it will be a game changer on all fronts.
          His oxygen saturation is perfect, though. Better than Des’ at birth, and Des was full term!

  10. Your kryptonite sounds so very much like mine. I’m always constantly worrying that something is going to happen. I’m on vacation and recently I’ve just been so consumed with death, that I think I’m dying and I over obsess. I know the first thing I’m doing when I get back is visit my therapist. However I think sometimes that we are definitely our worst enemy, our own kryptonite. 🙁

    1. It’s strange that many of us obsess over death. I think it’s parent of parenting, and also, you lost your parents young. Too young.
      XOXO

  11. I’m glad you are able to work this out with love and family and going out, dressing up and writing. Worry can be so consuming, the support of those to pull your attention away from it is everything. I hope writing this out loud was cathartic for you. I felt that it was.

    1. It totally was! As you may now know from Facebook, I wrote this while my sister was in labor prematurely. So I was feeling a lot of fears. I’m glad I wrote it. You’re so right.

  12. I read this yesterday only phone, but it wouldn’t load the pictures (and I hate typing comments on my phone). So glad I came back today to see the pics. That Groot costume is still freaking amazing!!!! The post is beautiful As I read it, I think a lot about my oldest daughter. She has some serious anxiety about doctors and the unknowns. We are working on getting her some help with it. The flip side is that she’s not an outwardly emotional person and rarely voices what she is feeling. I feel like reading this gives me a little insight into what’s inside her brain, so thank you for that.

    1. I love that you glean that kind of wisdom for your daughter from it. I totally get that anxiety she has, although I didn’t have it as a kid. I wonder why? I was really ok until I had Des.

  13. I feel fear is our greatest challenge! I hope you are doing everything you can to understand and combat yours.

    I work constantly to push back the constriction of fear by doing things that expand me. Taking on small or larger challenges and doing them.

    Fear is a stern master, if we live in its house, we will be its slave. You are stronger than that!

    1. I absolutely am. Nearly every day. I wrote this during a fearful day in a fearful week, but I think things are feeling much better today.

  14. Love that little truth bomb at the end: the outtakes are definitely part of the journey.
    There is a reason my blog tagline is “I think better on paper.” When the ink is interrupted, there’s a mental dam that’s so much more than just a creative block. It’s tangled thoughts and circular perspectives and a life on pause. It must be worked out!! Don’t talk to me until I open the dam and let the flow take me where it will. I trust it will be the place I am supposed to be. You’ll like the clearer thinking me much better, I assure you. Otherwise I could exhaust people with my mental gymnastics and busy brain. If I appear calm to you, it’s because my storm thundered it’s release in spilled ink, and you only see the cleared skies and rainbow promise that follows.

  15. Sometimes I’m not sure how to reply. only because I don’t feel my words can do justice to those I have just read. Your strength, though (since this post is all about kryptonite) is sharing these things. That, for many, is people’s kryptonite. In that way you are one of the strongest people I know.

    1. You don’t even have to – just this is so enough. Thank you, though. I was writing it when my sister was in labor and I was so scared. I’m glad I wrote it because it helped channel some pain. Now he’s here and gorgeous and we”ll see where it all takes us!

  16. As always, you nailed it, Sweets. I love it. I also understand. The doctors. The unknown. The fear. But also the light. The love. How completely awesome is it that Cassidy dressed up as Groot again in MARCH! So cool. That costume is completely amazing. I still can’t believe he made it. xo

    1. Yes, the light and love always win!
      I want him to go out as Groot again. This was a year ago because I’m clearly amazing at editing my photos in a timely fashion!

  17. So… I’m literally ( and I mean literally not like the kids these days say literally for everything) crying. I know how you feel, I feel the same way. I have a zillion good days, but then one hot heavy chest day ruins it, and I feel fragile again. And the dying.. and the doctor…
    Writing makes it a little better. And writing and reading that I’m alone makes it even better.
    Love ya, woman!
    XOXO

    1. Aw! Tears are good! Why do those hot heavy chest days go and ruin everything? It’s like it leaves a bad taste in my mouth and makes me forget the 100 good ones before it, because the fact that it CAN happen is what scares me.
      Ugh. Dying and doctors = the worst.
      Love ya!

  18. I’m so nervous when I go to the doctor, because I’m afraid of receiving some type of bad news. My blood pressure even reflects how nervous I am. At the doctor’s office the top number is usually around 130. At home its between 105 and 110. It’s crazy 🙁

    1. I didn’t even know you could take it at home! But yes, at home my blood sugars and blood pressure are always low, I imagine. At the doctor? Not so much. It’s stress!

  19. What you wrote about going to the doctor broke my heart a little. And if writing about your experiences doesn’t lessen the effects of all that kryptonite, I hope that you find your strength and solace somewhere. {{Hugs}}

    1. Oh no it totally helps! I wrote this while my sister was prematurely in labor so I was legit freaking out. This helped a lot. Today is a new day, although the doctor fear might take awhile. I think I have to get past being 36 – the age my father died suddenly. Then maybe it will lessen.

  20. We all have our kryptonite don’t we? I hear you about the doctors office. It gets scarier as we get older too! Hope you are keeping it at bay! I still cannot get over how amazing the costume that Cassidy made – it is amazing!

    1. I think that’s what’s affecting me. I was always fine at doctors until my 30’s. It’s because of my kids and Des’ NICU experience, and my father dying in his 30’s.

  21. What a fascinating finish the sentence, Tamara. I read about the different layers your’s exists in and possibly changing from day to day. At the same time this personally brought a bunch of smiles to my face because of Groot!! That would be awesome to walk down the street as him and meet folks. He had to been many people’s Kryptonite that day. Golden Retrievers are mine… 🙂

    1. I totally had to share those photos just for the super hero theme, and to make people smile in between my weird words.
      Thank you! xoxo

  22. So, so many outtakes. I have learned so much from those and understanding what my personal kryptonite is or is becoming. Sometimes it changes lightning fast on you. You feel scared. Then you don’t. You feel happy. Then you don’t. Ah life, it is a wonder. Every darn day! I wish Groot walked down my street!

    1. Oh yes, those lightning fast changes. I’m not a fan! And then sometimes I am, because of the relief that it wasn’t slow. Life is certainly a wonder.
      I’ll talk to Groot about branching out more.

  23. W00t Gr00t! I loved the way that you made kryptonite feel like a journey, and not a destination. Destinations can be closers; with finality and absolutes. Journeys are about discovery, transformation, growth. Journeys are about optimism, while destinations are a bookend.

  24. hard to think of answer to this right now.. my sister is given 6 months to live right now so I am thinking of that…

    thanks for sharing your thoughts on this hard subject. …

    1. Oh, Sue. I’m so sorry. I hope she far surpasses that.
      My little sister just gave birth and is in the trenches. My older sister did too, but he’s early and in the NICU and I want so badly to be there for her. Sister love is strong.

  25. Such real and honest fears – fears that many of us share. Fear of the unknown, of what might happen, of being too happy or even complacent…and so many more. I definitely like your perspective on the journey, the process. That is half the battle, I think, when dealing with any fear or weakness. We have to recognize that we are growing, learning, developing, and becoming all the time.
    Great post. Awesome pics! And I agree – the outtakes are often the best part of the show!

    1. Absolutely! And as we talked about on your post, I don’t often give myself the credit for all the times I DO conquer – or at least meet – my fears.

  26. I just love this series of photographs. Your kids are having such a fun, wonderful life! We are so boring over here… I think having a bit of anxiety about the dentist is pretty normal. I have teeth dreams all the time, and I really hate having someone picking around in my mouth. Feels so vulnerable. BUT, I do it, as my Mom is a hygienist and I can’t even go to bed without flossing LOL!

  27. Ahh I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel sick inside or outside and I don’t know where it’s coming from. Lately I’m also feeling scared and paranoid than usual and again, I don’t know why. Like you, writing about things and feelings help me too.

  28. Writing is absolute therapy for me…even if I am writing randomly in my evernote app only for me to (maybe?) understand later…just getting the words out of my brain is such a relief..f

    My jaw still drops everytime I see pics of your hubby’s costume.

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