Tamara Like Camera

Again, I was title-less and this Eddie Money gem came on a mix cd my girlfriend…err…girl (space) friend made for me with love. Thank you, Nora.

Well my long birthday weekend is over. And it was good. So good. And I can’t say I feel good right now. I can’t believe such sad feelings can follow such happy feelings. And yet, it all makes perfect sense. I have to go to work tomorrow. I had to drop one of my best friends off at the airport and send her 3,000 miles away from me. Stormy’s has not been doing well, although it may take a turn for the better. Scarlet still has a mark on her face. And of course she does. It’s only been 2 1/2 weeks! And yet, I want to erase it with the end of my pencil. And my family went home. And I found out about the death of a great man just five minutes ago. And my new lens isn’t here yet. And..I had to say goodbye to my 20’s.

I started to come to terms with turning 30 on my 29th birthday. I figured I could have a year’s practice of feeling 30 so that when it happened, I wouldn’t feel a thing. And in a lot of ways it worked. However, I did find myself emphasizing the twenty when telling people I was twenty-nine. On the other hand, I’m married with a beautiful daughter and that certainly helps the turning 30 process because I’m not stressed that I’m not yet married or that it’s time to start having kids. And yet..it still hurts. Mariah (my good friend from California) and I were playing with Scarlet in her room when Mariah came across some old photo albums of mine that I hadn’t looked at in several years. I got curious and decided to look through them and, oddly enough, came across photos from my 20th birthday. I also saw pictures of three ex-boyfriends, two college dorms, many friends and many road trips. For a few minutes, I missed it all. I missed it so much. I missed first dates and sleepless nights. I missed waiting for the phone to ring and my heart jumping out of my skin when it did ring and it was him. I missed exotic road trips with exotic boys and being snowbound in a Holiday Inn with my mom’s credit card. I missed meeting cute boys on Rutgers buses and dressing up for Halloween parties at my sister’s college house. I missed Rutgers Roof Karaoke, frat parties talking to drunken future mayors (this happened to me twice in two different towns), and staying up all night with a guy, just to watch the sun rise and bond about how much we hate Bjork.

I missed dreaming about my wedding and wondering what my future husband would be like. I missed wondering what my first born child would be like.

I let these feeling wash over me for a good five minutes and then I came to my senses and let the first day of my 30’s continue with appreciation of my husband and daughter and excitement for the future.

The weekend was wonderful. I can’t begin to thank everyone who was a part of it. Like I said, my good friend flew out from California for the weekend. If that’s not good friendship, I don’t know what is. A few close, close friends drove up from NJ and NY. Most of my family was there. A few new friends banded together and got a local, amazing band to play a few songs for me in my dining room. The food was good. The gifts were above and beyond generous and unexpected. Cassidy made me a delicious cake. I hadn’t had a birthday party in eight years. I don’t like being the center of attention and my self esteem is often not great. I had to let go of those fears and let the party happen. I enjoyed every second of my birthday weekend. I didn’t take any pictures because I don’t do that when I’m partying. If you’re my Facebook friend, you may see them crop up. Let’s just say pictures and words don’t do justice to how I feel right now about my family and friends. Love you all.

And this is about a Scarlett with two “T’s.” Early on in our relationship, long before pregnancy or even marriage, Cassidy suggested we spell Scarlet with one “t.” And yes, we had her name picked out years before she came to be. And that’s why Cassidy just knew she was a girl long before I did. I had to think about the spelling and write it down several times before I knew he was right. Our Scarlet was to have one “t.” We had to set her apart from the only other Scarlett (or Scarlet) that we’d ever known. It’s pretty much only in spelling that we wanted to set them apart.

The other Scarlett was beautiful, smart, kind, elegant, peaceful and one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. I didn’t know her very well but you didn’t have to know her well to be pulled back regularly to her quiet bed & breakfast up in Calistoga, California.

I think it was Cassidy’s mom, Ruth, who first found the B&B maybe ten years ago, and Cassidy first took me there only a few months after we had gotten back together and I had flown out to California for a long, romantic weekend with my new (and old) boyfriend. After that we went any chance we could – to celebrate our engagement, to get away from the city, to say goodbye to California, to say hello again to California last fall when we flew out for a wedding. The first time I was there, Scarlett made us the most delicious french toast I’ve ever had and gave us advice about running a B&B. She had a new puppy, a Pomeranian and he was named Chewbacca of Kashyyyk. If that isn’t fate, I don’t know what is.

The second time I went there she had rescued a beautiful bird that had been left for dead that she believed to be a Stellar Jay. She named him Stella. She nursed him back to health but he always hung around, eventually becoming wild enough that she couldn’t always tell him apart from other Jays. We have pictures somewhere of him on our hands and shoulders and heads. He still hangs around there, I’m sure. How could he not?

The third time I went there, I believe she had two more dogs than the previous time. Her mother had recently passed and she had inherited the dogs.

The fourth time I went there she revealed, rather shyly, that she had rescued a tiny field mouse that had been left for dead. She kept him in the house and fed him with an infant dropper. She held our Scarlet in her arms and we told her she was part of the reason we gave our baby that name. I wrote about that a few months ago here.

A few days ago, Cassidy excitedly called her up to make a reservation for this September since we’re going to wine country for a wedding. Then we found out the tragic news that she passed away three weeks ago in a car accident. With everything going on with Scarlet and Stormy and my birthday and houseguests, it’s been near impossible to wrap our heads around the news. Scarlett was one of a kind and I always wished for an (at least) annual Scarlet/Scarlett get together. At least they did meet once, and as I process this true tragedy, I at least know she had a long life that must have dramatically touched the lives of everyone around her. I’ve only seen her four or five times in my life and I believe I’m a better person because of it.

Have you ever taken a picture of someone or with someone and known it’s the last chance you’ll get to do that?