I talk a lot in this blog about my occasional bouts of situational anxiety. Situational, because it’s never random or general anxiety. It comes with tragedy. It’s my low points. Sometimes they last a week. At other times, they’ve lasted over a year. This isn’t depression, fortunately. I’ve yet to experience true depression for any significant length of time. This is just what happens, post trauma, when I’m trying to work things out in my brain. I always work them out eventually, but it can take a long time. You might not even recognize it on me. My life can run pretty normally during a low point but I notice a significant difference. I believe I am designed & equipped to be generally happy and mellow – that is my default setting. I am always either there or working to get there. I wear it well. I am strong, resilient and adaptable to all situations. My intuition is spot-on and I even like myself a whole lot. If only it could always be that way…but it’s not. It’s like seasons and that’s my summer setting. I’m warm and sunny. I’m game for almost anything and never turn down an invitation without a damn good reason.
I can watch scary movies.
In the lows, my winter, I am less adaptable and slightly uncomfortable. I’m afraid of things I wouldn’t normally be afraid of. I might turn down invitations more frequently and cuddle up by myself a lot more.
I can’t watch scary movies.
As Homer Simpson said, there are dizzying highs, terrifying lows, and creamy middles. I don’t normally talk about the creamy middles a lot but I’m often in them. I don’t want to give the impression that I’m suffering bipolar disorder and I’m either totally high, manic and on fire or totally low and down in the dumps. I’m often in the middle, leaning toward the happier side. There are too many tragedies to live life deliriously happy 100% of the time. There are too many joys to live life miserably unhappy 100% of the time. At least, in my world. Too many years of bottling emotions have taken their toll on my adult life. I’m breaking it down, little by little. It’s one step forward, two steps back. A long search for more inner peace.
Last night, I did something I haven’t done in awhile. I went to sleep soon after a large meal. And not only that, it was a large meal with more garlic than I’m used to. Even a few weeks ago, this would have been a recipe for disaster. Last night, it was not at all. I do believe strongly in mind over matter. You would not believe half of it but I swear it’s all true. I believe I have controlled a lot of my physical existence for most of my life. I believe that when down, we’re more susceptible to outside factors that wouldn’t affect us when strong. For example, when strong, I can go years without even ONE headache or stomachache. I am 100% serious. When not as strong, I can have headaches and stomachaches fairly often. I can’t even imagine how much impact our emotions have on our physical symptoms. It’s both amazing and terrifying.
When anxious, garlic and caffeine affect me. When not, they don’t. Nutty as it is, it all makes sense somehow. It’s interesting for me right now. I feel good. I feel great. But I’m not confident that every night will be this way. When I’m cruising without anxiety for a long period of time, I am certain of no stomachaches or headaches. Maybe I’m getting there again. Maybe I’ll watch a scary movie, just to be sure..