This post is a window into my neurotic soul.
Look at me here. Don’t I look all mysterious?
(photo by Dan Shapiro)
…I’m not. Or at least I used to be but it’s been fading for a long time. I think that happens after marriage and this:
By the way, I’m writing this in my Target lawn chair with the sun on my face and a mug of toasted coconut cream coffee in hand. It’s glorious. It’s the perfect setting to detail my strange behavior in semi-list form:
– Today I made a deluxe salad at Stop & Shop and I cut it into teeny tiny pieces. Then I decided it still wasn’t right and I cut it into teeny tiny teeny tiny pieces. Then I ate it and it was glorious. (that word again) I often do this with salads. And pasta. And chicken. And steak. Why? Mainly it’s because I developed a nervous stomach when I was about 16. It happened during a period of great change and for about two weeks, I was ailing and then growing and healing. Since this period of great change and ailing and then growing and healing brought about a queasy stomach, I had to take small bites of food just to be able to eat. This habit stayed.
I also don’t like attacking big bites of food because of the mess factor. I have never ordered a burger on a date, for example. I don’t like food in my teeth and I like how small bites go cleanly in my mouth and I don’t have to continuously reapply my lip gloss or chapstick…
– …Which brings me to the fact that I have a neurotic habit of licking off my lip gloss and then reapplying it. All day long.
– While we’re still somewhat on the subject of eating, I have a strange way of eating Peanut Butter M&Ms. First I determine if they’re fresh by lightly cracking into the chocolate shell with my teeth. If the center peanut butter is crumbly or broken, the bag is not fresh and I won’t eat it. If the chocolate layer reveals a smooth and unblemished peanut butter orb, it’s a go and I’ll eat off the shells of three or four M&Ms, stack the perfect peanut butter orbs together and then pop the peanut butter stack in my mouth. I repeat this until the bag is finished.
– I also monitor the DVR like a hawk because our HD shows take up a lot of memory and I NEED all of my shows to tape. I think I drive Cassidy crazy with this.
– I get very upset if I’m missing one of Scarlet’s widdle, itty bitty baby socks. Her Trumpettes, Hello Kitty and moose socks are subject to thorough house cleanings if one or both are missing. I have only lost one baby sock to this date and it still bugs me. Mom, a light blue snowman sock from dear Aunt Lindsay is still missing in your home!
– I need to be the one to wash and tame Scarlet’s hair if photos are to be taken or people are to be seen that day. Cassidy has gotten good with her hair but I’m great.
– When I fly, I need to have a bag full of comfort items – crossword puzzles, sudoku, books, trashy magazines, my journal, photos, snacks, music, various over the counter medications, etc. Of all of that, I will only ever touch the iPod and occasionally a snack.
– I bought anti-nausea wristbands when I was pregnant. I didn’t get any morning sickness and I don’t generally get motion sickness. Yet I still keep the wristbands in my purse “just in case.” They go great in my fear of flying back of tricks, see above.
– Due to a hearty blend of neurosis, fear and stubbornness, I can’t, won’t or haven’t in over 20 years done any of the following things:
Gotten a Strep throat culture
Blown up a balloon
Vomited
Ridden a roller coaster
Been drunk
Tried a recreational drug
Gone skiing
Dived into water
– I read in the bathroom but not while doing what other people who read in the bathroom are doing. I read while flossing, brushing my teeth, washing my face (this one’s hard) and taking a bath. Once I tried to read in the shower but it didn’t go well.
– When I’m nervous or anxious I tie my hair back and then take it out of the elastic. And then tie it back and take it down. And so forth. I also put my hand shallowly down the front waistband of my pants Al Bundy style. If you see me doing these things, kindly take me outside to talk or just gently shake me back to sanity.
– Sometimes I throw away the receipt right after buying something so if I get buyer’s remorse (which has actually never happened) I can’t do anything about it. This proved to be a problem at Costco where you have to show your receipt at the exit and I had tossed mine. Sorry about that one, Cassidy.
– Here’s a good last one. I haven’t had a pimple in almost two years but since I had acne ONCE, I think I have it always. I find myself nodding along with acne infomercials and nearly reaching for my phone and wallet.
The rest of my dirty secrets are just too dirty or too secret for blogs. I stop here.
There you have me. Or is it…
There, you have me.
