Today was not a good day. It was a “Gone” day, and not only that, it was an invisible day.
It’s been over 24 hours since Scarlet has asked for me or reached for me. And I swear I’m aware that this is a good thing. I know it’s temporary. Nana came to town yesterday. It had been awhile for those two to get some much needed hang time.
I had told Scarlet yesterday morning at the park that Nana was coming over later. She looked excited but didn’t quite believe me yet. Then when she woke up from her nap later on and Nana was already here, I told her. She jumped to her feet and yelled, “Yay!!!!!!!!!” I reached for her and she said, “No, Mama. Nana.” So Nana came upstairs and Scarlet’s eyes bulged out of her head. She started shaking with excitement. I swear if she had a tail, it would have been wagging out of control. She was literally shaking with happiness. And so began 24 hours of, “No, Mama. Nana help.” Reading books, naps, baths, meals, even a successful bedtime. I was mostly in earshot and stepped in every now and then, but really, I knew I wasn’t wanted.
And I swear I know this is a good thing. It’s a fabulous thing. It means trips out of town, just me and Cassidy. And, Scarlet loves her grandparents so much. She talks about each one of them on a daily basis. She includes them in her imaginative play. She holds up fake phones and says, “Goodnight, Larry Dodo. Goodnight, Amma.” She constantly says, “Bless you” to all of her grandparents. It’s beyond a good thing. I guess I just miss her today.
She’s my job and she wants nothing to do with me so I’m kind of shuffling through the world and feeling a bit useless. I also feel like I’m underwater because of my stupid allergy ears. Also, there’s no scenario on earth that can convince me that cold rain is a good thing. Our valley is already flooded so you can’t use the “Spring showers bring May flowers” line on me.
And my sister lost a friend, a little girl with the same name as her. She was only 9 and died suddenly. And Elisabeth Sladen, “Sarah Jane” from Doctor Who, passed away too. Suck day.
I was walking on the street with my mom in the rain and a man asked us for money. I said, “Definitely not.” He said, “God Bless.” I’m not usually that rude but he was blowing pot right into my face. And I was already not having a good day.
Oh, and Scarlet very sweetly handed a Goldfish cracker out to me because she knew I wanted one and I went to grab it and she pulled it back with a fierce, “No!” Yeah. That kind of day.
I was grumpy all day. If it seems like I’m avoiding you, it’s just because I’m protecting you from me. Not only is this a “Gone” day, this is an “Invisible” day. I’m wearing an invisibility cloak today. And yet, so many of you can still see me today. So many of you still sent love or called me or (in my mom’s case) lovingly put ear drops in my ears. I needed that. Thank you. Tomorrow, or at some point, the sun will come out and my daughter will be my best friend again. And I’ll take more pictures of her ever-lightening hair and her array of funny faces. It’s all good. This is only temporary invisibility. Just another tricky day.
“Just gotta get used to it
You know how the ice is
Just gotta get used to it
It’s thin where you’re skating”
— The Who