Over The Borderline.

I feel so borderline today. I feel so borderline lately. I feel completely scraped out, but ready to start anew. I feel like I’m just under or just over the borderline in so many areas of my life. I just skate by on luck so often. I have great genes and great metabolism, but I don’t take great care of myself by drinking enough water, sleeping enough, or exercising. Like. At all. I also don’t always eat that well. I have great dreams and great generosity but when I do get money, I’m so shocked by its existence that I don’t throw it where I want to throw it. Not fast enough, anyway. I’m just under the borderline to be picked for certain blog agencies and anthologies. I’m just over the borderline for what I consider comfortable anxiety levels. I’m more than slightly pushed over the borderline. I’m totally worn out. I feel like garbage. I want to change every piece of my life, one by one. I want to push it all over the borderline. I’m not doing enough. I can tell you that. I’m not doing enough of the right stuff. Sometimes it’s just a big old mess. Clogged arteries over here, but not literally. There’s the luck and genes.

This is what I know. I’m not enough. I’m not enough because I’m not doing enough. Of the good stuff.
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So with Madonna by my side, and with good love definitely on my list of things I need to work on, I’m going to do a part 3 of the questions from the New York Times article about how to fall in love with someone in 37 questions. Link HERE.

What is #AskAwayFriday? Well…
#AskAwayFriday was created by the amazing Penny from Real Housewife of Caroline County and Amber from Bold Fit Mom, as a way to connect with other bloggers with a great Q & A session of 10 questions and 10 answers, between two bloggers! This is a wonderful opportunity to get to know others while allowing others to get to know you and of course there is also the added bonus of making great friends along the way which is one of the best parts of this online world! Ask me if you want to swap!

Now welcoming our wonderful #AskAwayFriday hosts…
Tamara from Tamara Like Camera,
Tiffany from Mrs. Tee Love Life Laughter,
Christy from Uplifting Families,
Stacey from This Momma’s Ramblings
Echo from The Mad Mommy
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Personally, these questions scare the heck out of me!
1. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

My family is very close and warm! There are a lot of “I love you’s” being thrown around on a multi-daily basis. Or do you mean the immediate family I grew up with? It’s sort of weird. In some ways, we all function and love as well as we can, but sometimes I feel like we don’t all truly know each other, or take the time. Maybe it’s fear-based. I don’t think my childhood was happier than other people’s, mainly because I suffered the worst thing a child can suffer at a young age (death of a parent), but I do think I was happier than other people. I’ve always felt extremely capable of joy, despite many hardships.

Maybe I sometimes live in Lollipop and Unicorn Land, but often things are just that good.
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2. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

I feel great about it! It’s gotten strange as we’ve gotten older because I always just thought of her as this magical fairy godmother. I was always safe with her, since my father passed. So when I left the nest (once for college and for REALS when I moved to California to be with Cassidy), I felt like a bird without a nest for a long time. As I’ve grown stronger and older, I’ve learned that she doesn’t always have all the answers to everything. She’s HUMAN. And that was tough to balance with my magical thinking. And sometimes we go a really long time without talking on the phone, and I miss so much pertinent info. She’s still one of the best people on earth and a true inspiration. I think of her whatever I do and whatever I want to do.

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3. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Not that I lie, but my fears are bigger than I share. Often.

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4. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Well I am hoping that’s more of a “when” or “it’s already happening” than an “if” but it would be important for him to know that I can fix every unhealthy thought, habit or quirk, but I’ll probably always be super-sensitive, emotional, and a worrier.

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5. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

Cassidy, I like nearly everything about you. You are so strong and kind and brave and patient – in so many ways I’m not, always, but that I want to be. You’re also a great cook and a wealth of knowledge on health and business and financial stuff that scare me. I don’t know many better parents than you are, and I love never knowing what kind of surprises are up your sleeve. It’s an interesting life – not knowing what you’ll come up with next, but knowing it will excite me and change my life.

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6. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

Oh, I have a good one! It was about ten jobs ago. I had ordered silly phallic things for a bachelorette party from a well known adult online store. Babeland, I think it was called. I had them delivered to work and I quickly stuffed the goods in my purse, but didn’t have the brains to stuff the invoice in there too. I decided to put the invoice in the office paper shredder but I didn’t do a very good job and the invoice was too thick, I guess! The next day my boss wordlessly handed me a non-shredded scrap of paper that said BABELAND. SHIPPED TO TAMARA BOWMAN. I’m usually rosy-checked but I went RED!

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7. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I cried precisely three times in the last week or so, in front of four people. I was handed a lot of tissues. By myself? I cry a bit when I write my heavier blog posts, so probably some silent tears within the last week at this desk.

I’m crying in the below photo. Can you tell?
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8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Intolerance and hatred. I don’t like any jokes that are man jokes or woman jokes or black jokes or Jewish jokes or gay jokes, etc. I don’t feel comfortable with them. I don’t ever joke about people with special needs either.

9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I LOVE YOU. I don’t know why I haven’t told you.

10. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

I hate questions like this very much, but it would be my computer. Sounds silly but there are a ton of uploaded photos in here that haven’t yet been edited and placed into my three forms of photo safekeeping. So shame on me there. That’s a huge risk!

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I just thought I’d sneak this above photo in, like an Easter egg to find.
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  1. I watched Desperately Seeking Susan last night! No joke! I know this song isn’t in it, but I was thinking about Madonna all day today because of watching the movie. I have mixed feelings about her, but I vividly remember her being a part of my growing up years. Anyway, today because of roles changing and life I spent a good deal of the day crying. I wore sunglasses a lot and hoped no one could tell. I am pretty tough or at least people think so, so I think they would be scared to ask why I was crying anyways. It seems like my borderline keeps moving and getting yanked around. Wish that wasn’t so! There is really a place called Babeland???

    1. Wow!! I haven’t seen that movie in ages.
      And wasn’t she in a “Who’s That Girl” movie with leopards? I remember strange things.
      I’m sorry about your crying day! I’ve had quite a few of those.

      As for Babeland, yes!!!

  2. Oh I am SO with you Tamara. I too, have good genes and luck, but I don’t take care of myself. I don’t drink enough water (hardly any), don’t exercise (ever), and don’t get enough sleep. I’m a huge night owl but my kids wake up at 6, yet I go every night until my eyes can’t stay open anymore. Let me know if you make a change, I’m really at that breaking point where I’m desperate to!

    1. I always think it’s just me! I seriously don’t know how I survive without water. It finally sort of caught up with me because it showed up on my blood work! Everything is fine though. It just said I was dehydrated that day.
      I still need that big wake up call!! I love sugar way too much and I’m convinced I’ll wind up with problems down the line when the luck runs out.

  3. Wow, that Madonna song made me nostalgic for some of other tunes. The borderlines that you talk about, I experience too. I know that there are certain things that I need to do to take care of myself, but yet, I ignore those essentials. Try to give yourself latitude, Tamara. Although it is a cliche, we are all works in progress. xo

  4. Borderline was one of my first radio loves! Sometimes the pictures you take of Cassidy are so similar to mine of Ed…I have one of him up at Lake Superior with his arms spread wide open. I love it!

  5. LOVE the picture of you in the car, and of Des with Easter Girls. Love what you wrote about your mom (who looks so much like your sister). Hate you for your good genes and metabolism. Giggling about the invoice. Have a wonderful Easter/Passover weekend!

  6. You better get used to that sight of Des with a bunch of pretty girls all around him. That embarassing story is so funny! My friends actually dragged me to a um very informative session that uh, taught lessons–oh never mind Let’s just say I was very red too. Although I did learn a thing or twenty.

    1. Ha about Des!! With your handsome boys too, no doubt.
      My old roommate did those kinds of parties and she made me go to one!! It was fun but I blushed a lot.

  7. Oh goodness, I wish you feelings of brightness and clarity and joy. I understand those borderline feelings, like everything needs to be wiped clean and started fresh, and how overwhelming it can be to know where to begin. You are enough, Tamara! No matter what those voices in your head tell you 😉
    Here’s to spring, to love, and to renewal!

  8. Gosh, girl! I feel like I’ve ben not he borderline, too, lately. With work, with blogging, with life. Today is our first day of Spring Break and I feel such huge sense of relief – like I’ve finally made over the line and I survived. Great questions, too. I almost never cry, but I have some lately – back to that overwhelming borderline thing.

  9. I loved your boaderline intro. I also feel like I don’t do enough of the right stuff at times.
    I would have been beyonded embrassed if someone handed me back my invoice from an adult entainment store. However, I’m easily embrassed.

  10. Well, Tamara, I think you’re definitely enough, if that helps at all :)! I totally know what you mean about feeling borderline – happens to me a lot. You’re such an open, honest person and I love these insights into your life. The picture of Des with the girls is priceless. Have a great weekend!

  11. Song stuck in my head? Check! I really need to do more of the good stuff for myself too, but I don’t. My relationship with my mom has become great and I hope it only gets better. We are a very warm and loving family as well. Man, that picture of Des is an omen! He’s already a ladies man!

    1. So sweet about your mom!
      And yes. Des. With his floppy hair and big eyes and need to get away from everyone… Girls might chase him!

  12. I didn’t even have to play the video to get that song stuck in my head. And now Madonna will be haunting me for the rest of the night. Sometimes those middle areas of life can be the times that push you over the edge into greatness. Either that, our you might still be burnt out after 8 boxes of questionnaires. I might be if I were you. Your answer to #5 is beautiful. Totally heart-melting there.

    1. Madonna has been haunting me too! Help!!

      I am totally still burnt out after eight boxes, AND he gave me a follow up project. Sigh.

      Thanks about number five! Cassidy saw it!

  13. Oh the hours spent listening to Madonna, as a teen with my bestie! And I totally get that feeling! Babeland…that is awesome! What a beautiful pic of your mom! Des is going to be a heartbreaker! 🙂 I definitely intolerant to intolerance and hatred, I find is sad that it happens. And the media is just fuel to the fire! Have a wonderful weekend and lots of chocolate bunny happiness!

  14. I love the way you thought of your mom for years and the great relationship you have with her now.
    I cry way more now than I used to – sometimes I try to hide it and other times I just go with it.
    Funny that you had the word quirk in your post – I wrote about quirks but don’t tend to hear that word very often.
    (These were hard questions!!)

    1. I’m the same way – sometimes I try to hide it and sometimes I just can’t. I am always afraid that once I start, it will be nearly impossible to stop.
      There’s always a stop, though!

      Yes, the questions were so hard!

  15. I feel the same about my mother. She’s also my forever inspiration. I love your message for Cassidy. Good one! LOL at your Babeland story. Hahaha.

    I do hope you feel better. Just last night I was thinking of not doing enough too.

    1. I’m feeling a bit better for sure. Both kids are sick, again, so it’s so hard to focus on the bright and sunny. I think spring and good health are coming… one of these days.

  16. No shame in wanting to save your computer—I say the same thing! It’s got too much information, archives, convenience and communication not to try to save it. I’d save it along with our safe and probably my purse.

    1. Thank you, Melanie!
      The crying thing is rough. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I’m nearly not embarrassed at all about it anymore.

  17. I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling borderline lately. Life feels like a mess but nothing new has happened, so I can’t point a finger and say “There is the problem!” But, I’m changing my diet up and am hoping that by eating better I’ll feel better, too. Adorable Easter egg picture 🙂

    1. I’ve started eating better. I’m only on day three of it or so! I can’t believe how much sugar I used to it. Of course, that was only three days ago. It’s scary.

  18. The more I read your writing, the more I consider you a kindred spirit. Number 3 – yes, just yes.

    It’s funny, but last night as I drifted off to sleep (well before 4 am and without the aid of Melatonin), I actually thought I was taking a step over a border and crossing back into the ‘good for you’ area.

    PS – Thanks for the ear worm; I’ll be singing a Madonna compilation all day!

    1. I’ve been feeling pretty good this week but last night had a strange setback in the middle of the night. I blame being exhausted. That will do it.
      Glad we’re kindred spirits!

  19. I enjoyed this Ask Away, Tamara. I enjoyed the Madonna video as well. Even though I know that song, I’ve never seen the video until now! I kind of like her hair in it. I think it’s only human to feel on the borderline sometimes, especially with a young family. It’s the hardest job in the world.

    1. I somehow missed this comment – glad I see it now. Her hair is intriguing sometimes, isn’t it?
      It is totally the hardest job in the world!

  20. I am very much with you on your answer to no. 8. Those jokes are just not funny, unjustified and uncalled for. Sometimes I don’t even want anybody to tell me a joke, because I fear 1) it is one of those jokes or 2) one that I don’t get. Happens. Too often 🙂 Hope you are feeling much better.

    1. I don’t always get those jokes too! Then I get proud of myself for not getting them.. maybe it’s innocence or that our brains don’t think that way! (cruelly)
      I am feeling better, thanks! Sleep really helps.

  21. I wish I had someone with whom I could share…The Truth..

    That hit home. I don’t think I may have that person in my life but I just haven’t come to a point where I let myself let go enough to share it.

    Wonderful questions and answers as always!!!

    1. I think that’s a great point to get to – and I don’t bottle everything badly, but it does tend to get pressurized so that by the time I DO share, it might not be the right person, or the right time. And there may be tissues involved!

  22. I am sorry to hear that you have had tears several times this week. I think that because you are on a borderline, it can mean that you are about to embark on a new chapter! Hopefully one filled with smiles and laughter.

    1. I think you’re right. Sometimes the tears have to come, to make way for a fresh beginning. And if spring would finally get here!!!

  23. I adore your message for Cassidy and I cry a LOT as well. A lot when I write, too, which is when I know it matters. Loved reading more of your heart tonight Sweet One!

  24. Borderline… (you’ve got me singing over here)

    I’m wishing you happiness and sunshine, my friend! Sometimes I cry for the smallest things, I’m just an emotional creature. I try to keep my emotions in check, but sometimes that’s useless or makes me more angry, so tears win.
    Anyway, thanks for sharing your heart with us.

    1. Me too, me too! I’m singing it right now and Des is home sick with a cold and looking at me funny. Isn’t he used to this by now?
      I’m an emotional creature too, but it’s more bottled up than I imagine it is with you. Tell me your secrets!!!

  25. I saw Madonna in concert years ago, lately though she totally bugs me – lol

    I haven’t cried in a long time – ha-ha so i guess that’s a good thing 🙂

  26. I love that song! I love everything from Madonna from that time!

    I get not doing enough, being enough, feeling enough, acting enough. I keep trying to remind myself that the time is now! Life is happening, there is no waiting, it’s happening right now! Be in it, be present, take part, you are enough!

    Also, I love how your posts end up being little love letters to Cassidy or your children, even if they aren’t the main focus, the sentiment is always tucked in there.

    1. Life is happening right now! I was feeling so weird when I wrote that post. My next one, which is already 12 hours late, will be more upbeat.

  27. I’m feeling borderline too these days. Like there’s something coming but until then I’m just teetering….I feel you. And sorry you’ve cried so much lately! And computer is a good answer, and old scrapbooks and photo albums for sure!

    1. Someone mentioned my purse! That is so true because it has all of my important stuff in it. I suppose photos are less precious than replaceable credit cards.
      And to be honest, a thief wouldn’t get much from me!
      As for the teetering, I think it’s leading to something good. More clarity, healing and relief.

  28. I agree with you on that last one for sure. As you might remember my computer crashed in December and I lost countless photos that were just on my hard drive. There’s not much on here now so really I wouldn’t have to grab my computer but I might run back in the grab the small fire safe even though it’s a “fire safe”. It’s got a CD in it for each year (one years worth of photos and videos on 2 CDs) up from 2004 when Christopher was born to 2008. Oh yeah so I do need to run in and get an external hard drive. I was looking at the fire safe CDs a couple weeks ago – I think you “liked” something I posted on FB. I would hate to lose that stuff. I thought I’d never forget some of the stuff Christopher did, but in fact I didn’t remember any of those things I videod.

    Totally feel you on #3 and all the borderline stuff.

    Couldn’t tell you were crying in that photo.

    1. I was crying in that photo because, and this is really weird, I was meeting Cassidy’s mom for the first time but we had broken up.
      A bad broken heart!
      Too little too late.
      Except it wasn’t.
      My biggest nightmare is losing photos. I back them up really efficiently, but not until they’re already taken out of lightroom as JPEG’s.

  29. You’re getting deep here, Tamara!! I love how you describe your relationship with your mom. I’m very close to mine, too, but finding out that she’s a human being was hard for me in a few instances. I think we are very close now and I call her almost every day just to chat.

    1. I wish I chatted with mine more often! It makes me happy that other people had that same problem with finding out your parents are human.

  30. I love how my relationship with my mom has transitioned as I’ve become an adult, married and all! I’m always thrown for a loop when I find out she has vulnerabilities and fears, because I forget she’s human. I love your faceial expression for number 6! It’s too cute!

    1. It’s really interesting to me that other people have that too! I wonder if my kids will have that about me one day.
      That facial expression was pure happiness because I had just picked up a childhood friend at the airport!

  31. I am catching up on a week’s worth of reading, and I see you don’t have a post for today (Monday) – I hope everything is okay. I can set my calendar by your blog posts.

    “I love you” is what I would say too. The other day I was on the phone with my mom, and when I hung up, Gwen asked me if I ever tell my mom that I love her. “Sometimes,” I said. “You should tell her more,” Gwen said. She’s right.

    1. Gwen is very wise!
      That made me happy that you noticed I was late with my post. It’s just been very hard to get back into a regular schedule.

  32. 1. I’ve never understood the thought that the truth will set us free as much as I do now.

    2. Always use your stage name when ordering goods from Babeland, Tam. Always.

    3. it’s gotta be the shoes. Des, a handful of Easter eggs, three beauties. He also has cool T-shirts and great hair.

        1. How did I not get an email notification for this? Whew. Glad I checked.
          Hmm.. Shawn White. Isn’t there already a Shawn White? Or is that Shaun White?
          Do you think I’m Roxanne Belle-like?

  33. Did I ever come back here to comment? Too many to look through, so I will assume I need to comment and if I already did, than you know I am aging more rapidly than we both thought. 😉

    Your first paragraph. I will not WILL NOT accept! Like I can do that, not accept your feelings? WHA? Here’s why… you may *feel* (or felt at this point) that way, but it is not TRUE. You are MORE than enough. You are perfectly placed RIGHT at the line and there is no border around it or under it over it…or …and you are doing ENOUGH.

    Your place is beautiful, right where it is- whether or not in blogs/anthologies or peaceful/anxious or not eating well or feeling well… You are exquisite in WHO you are… every single minute that you are here. Just existing in this world, in your home, your family, your space is a gift. You matter to many. SO many. Isn’t that enough? Oh, yes.

    It is.

    *My ‘go to’ response when I receive rejections about my writing is “Apparently my writing doesn’t belong there.” Your writing belongs in places you simply haven’t found yet- places that will honor it the way it should be honored. Places that will bring more purpose to your craft, to your art, to your dream. Just wait… 🙂

    1. Actually I think this is your first comment! And what a doozy! I was so moody when I wrote it. I was feeling hopeless and impossible and I’m not even sure one big bad thing happened, but just a culmination over time.
      I’ve only gotten one or two writing rejections and really they were a stretch anyway! I’m not good with rejection in general, though, so I imagine it will hurt more when I think something is a sure fire fit.

      Your place is beautiful too! I like that our places overlap.

  34. I know the wanting to tell someone the whole truth and not being a dishonest person..it’s just so difficult to feel free enough to speak my truest feelings- I think it might be easier with someone I don’t know because I anticipate the reaction of someone I do know and ugh. just a mess. MESS.

    But for the record, you are enough.

    1. It’s totally a mess! I’ve had that in therapy. And then it just comes out and out. At least they get paid to hear it!
      You are enough! More than it.

  35. You are so honest that sometimes it breaks my heart just a little bit, I want to give you a hug and let you know that you aren’t alone, obviously you know your aren’t, but just want to remind you. I love how you photo your kids and Cassidy, you can see love coming through the camera, maybe that is why I love your photos so much. I feel like I can touch them, that I could walk through the picture and be a part of whatever you see. Amazing.

    1. Thank you. I always wonder if I should tone it down or not! Sometimes I’m sad and stressed. Other times, not at all. I appreciate the hug – I often want to reach through the computer screens.
      I wish you lived closer – free photo shoots for all!

  36. Luckily we have laptops now and they are easily grabable. Is that a word? I try to remember to automatically upload some photos, then go through them later and delete the ones I don’t like instead. I need to work on the delete part, especially since my daughters have an app that “takes pictures” and are constantly uploaded to my account. I wish there was a divider or something. Even while crying, you’re beautiful.

    1. I think grabable is a word! No idea how to spell it. Or maybe we just made it up!

      Thanks so much for the compliment. I’m certain I didn’t feel it at the time!

    1. That sounds like the best combination of everything ever.
      So what was your original comment? Because this.. this is enough. More than enough.

  37. I like that Madonna and the fact that we get to use it 🙂 I feel so borderline today. This was a great interview …really touching

  38. You had me at Madonna! Also, I felt very borderline for quite some time. It was like a funk that I could not get out of. I’m feeling a bit better these days, thankfully.

  39. I’ve loved this song forever and now it’s stuck in my head. Thank you Tamara. 🙂 As for crying, I think I’ve been crying up a storm all week. I close on my new house on Friday and I should be happy, just celebrated a birthday and still I’m not to happy. Well here’s to a great weekend!

  40. I actually just heard this song on the radio this morning! I hadn’t heard it in forever, and now you mention it today. Must be fate! 🙂

  41. I love old school Madonna. Borderline always sends me back to my childhood summer when it first came out and I heard it on the radio at the town pool every day! Love the interview. Great questions.

  42. I sang Borderline at a talent show once! I love Madonna!!! My favorite song by her is “La Isla Bonita.”

  43. Tamara you just spoke my innermost feelings I promise! People look at me and instantly see success because of all these great things that are happening around me (they are great and a blessing), but I too feel a little borderline. I think its Mercury Retrograde (Google it girl) my energies are a little low and I feel like I should be conquering so much more but I am getting a little burnt out. I am rooting for you and pray for me too but know are both doing more than we think!! Love the intimate Q&A!

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