Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Sometimes I ache to post when I can’t or haven’t. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind lately but I’m happy to be back here.
Scarlet was sick for a few days and while I never thought it was serious, modern medicine gives us the option to do lots of testing to rule out all the things you don’t want it to be when your kid is sick. And while I logically knew that, I still couldn’t believe I was taking her to the hospital for chest x-rays and blood tests for what was most likely a teething related cold virus. It gave me flashbacks to when she was hurt and things were really wrong.
And I had to miss my sister’s wedding rehearsal dinner and I was so crushed. I sat in traffic for three hours to get there and barely moved an inch. What the f&*k was wrong with Connecticut on Friday, people? And then I got a call from Cassidy that he had to take her back to the doctor for more testing and I definitely had a mini panic attack. I wasn’t there with her and I couldn’t get to her because of the traffic jam I was sitting in. And on the other side in Jersey, my whole family was together and I couldn’t get there either. It was horrendous. I finally got home and she was ok. So we all rested an extra day and woke up early on the wedding morning to glistening sunshine and clear air. Scarlet still had a fever but it was very low. I knew everything would work out fine and it did. And now it’s over and we’re back to “normal”, whatever that is. And it feels so strange. Since July 8th, my life has been a mix of happy and sad activity…Scarlet’s injury, our friend Scarlett passing away, losing Stormy, traveling to California and Cassidy officiating a wedding, my baby sister’s wedding…it’s just big. It’s been very big. And today the day after the wedding, we have nothing “big” lined up in the near future except the expected fall fun and holiday activities. And my brother’s baby will be born this winter! I’m VERY aware that life can change in an instant and throw a monkey wrench into my supposed calm period..but for now, I’m just happy and calm. I deserve it.
The wedding was gorgeous. My sister is honestly one of the most stunning women on the planet. I’ve met real life models and compared them to my sister and the models always fell short. So you can imagine what she looked like as a bride since even normal looking women look beautiful on their wedding days. And her new HUSBAND (god, that sounds weird) is also quite spectacular looking so you can imagine what he looked like as a groom. It was like being on a weird alien planet where everyone was gorgeous. And to be fair, and honest, I thought me and Cassidy looked spectacularly gorgeous on our wedding day too. It was just in a different way – a more farmgirl meets rockstar in Vermont way. But Marisa and Matt were the picture of cool and calm and collected, at least on the outside.
It wasn’t uncomplicated fun like my brother’s wedding was, but it was very fun just the same. We all know by now that I’m a raving lunatic of anxiety before big events, so my own wedding was a lot of wonderful things, but I wouldn’t say “fun.” My sister’s wedding felt heavier to me than my brother’s but that’s mainly because I’m a mom now and I can’t just eat, dance, and stay out all night the way I used to. Now it’s making sure Scarlet’s eating too. And sleeping enough. And not being overwhelmed and not having a high fever. And getting her antibiotics that we had to have sent to a NJ pharmacy where we had a mild insurance annoyance. All of that worry about her health and happiness and even her face for photos that will be looked at only…forever…is my life now. And while daily life has a rhythm and flow I’m used to, travel and weddings are when I realize how different my life is now. But it’s so joyous too. Dancing with Scarlet on the dance floor, watching people love her and get to know her, just having laughs with her. She’s the ultimate accessory. She’s the ultimate “Get Out of Jail Free” card even when I’m the one who needs space and air. I can use her to draw people to me and I can use her to make them go away. God, I sound evil, don’t I? Nah. I imagine many moms have those thoughts at some point.
But ah..weddings. They do bring out the crazy, don’t they? At least, they do with me and the thoughts in my head. I have cried at weddings for people I don’t even know that well but I didn’t cry at my own or my brother’s or my sister’s wedding. I wonder why. I guess it’s just too big for tears. Either that or I didn’t want to smear my $80 makeup. There’s just something so amazingly joyous and incredibly sad about seeing the parents give away their sons and daughters. I know that’s not what really happens and the parents never stop being parents, but there is a tremendous shift that occurs and you can see it in all of their faces. They just seem to say, “Yikes, this is big.”
And there are the speeches, like the one from my dad about watching his “baby” get married. And I thought a lot about us five kids joined together by extreme tragedy and becoming a close family. Becoming the Brady Bunch. And that made me think about sibling relationships and then look at Scarlet and sort of think, “This is very possibly not the ‘baby’ of my future family. This is the big sister.” Yup, I said it here again. I’ll say it some more in the future too. There was also the beautiful song one of my sister’s best friends sang to her while she walked down the aisle. And the co-best men and maid of honor speeches slammed me in the heart.
We made a new family that day. The Klein Jacobsons once joined the Marucci family and then we joined the Dillon-Bowman family and yesterday we joined the Miller-Isserlis family. I realize there are probably last names I’m leaving out and I apologize for that. I married into a wonderful, amazing family and my sister did too. It makes a huge difference. Many of our parents were there and becoming close. Not everyone in the world has that. It’s big.
Then there were the family friends who knew us in diapers, came to all of our completely 90’s Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and have always been a part of our family. And some of them are new grandparents and are about to be. And that means we’re becoming the only age we have ever known our parents to be. Late 20’s and on. And our children are what we were 25-30 years ago – wearing tights and mary janes and falling asleep in their parent’s arms and being carried to sleep in hotel rooms. It makes me feel so amazed…and a little old too.
Then there’s the drinking. God, I can barely get down the few sips I need to take to toast the happy couple! Although the champagne at this wedding was divine which probably means I could talk the big talk and maybe get down 1/4 to 1/2 of a glass of it and then get buzzed off of that small amount.
Anyway, there are definitely the people who don’t drink much normally but let loose at weddings and get a little drunk and have a good time. And there are the people who are still in their early to mid 20’s in which drinking on weekends and at parties is still a lifestyle thing and they can consume massive amounts of alcohol, get drunk, and still be able to get up and look good the next day. Lastly are the people who actually have a problem and probably know they do and they shouldn’t drink but they do and then they reach for another drink and another. Their eyes get red and they give off extremely powerful alcohol vapors from a mile away and at the end of the night, these are the visibly and odorously drunk people who have trouble with normal speech and wind up taking the glass elevator up and down repeatedly, stumbling a lot and just generally being scary to small children. And adults.
Then there’s the dancing to hip hop. Songs like “Bust a Move” and “It Takes Two” got EVERYONE on the dance floor. And it reminded me of my youth and all of the dreams I had for myself and I thought a lot about what I could have been and what I am. I know I’m not old and I still can do mostly whatever I want, but some doors really do close by 30. Or at least they do in my head.
And it all made me think about Jersey and the song by Ben Folds called, “Your Redneck Past.” I’m not saying Jersey is full of rednecks but the song makes me think about how you can’t escape your past. I left Jersey and will never go back but god is it filled with such rich memories of growing up. I will probably always go back to visit.
And lastly…we have four family sides since we’re a blended family. People from all four sides attended the wedding, some from far away. Then you factor in members of Cassidy’s family who represented, as well as my brother’s wife’s family and my sister’s new family. And that’s a lot of hellos and goodbyes. I’m not sure when the next time I’ll see so many family members in one place will be. All I know is that four family-sided hellos and goodbyes hurt my heart a lot. I’m so happy to be home in New England but still. It’s just so big. All of it.