No More Drama in My Life

“No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No one’s gonna make me hurt again”

No more pain, no more pain, No more pain, no more pain, No drama, no more drama in my life, No one's gonna make me hurt again

I’m not making any point here, other than to say that “No More Drama” has been in my head since the impressive Super Bowl halftime show about a week or so ago. And that’s of course in between the insanity of having Encanto song lyrics in my head. I’m starting this blog post next to Scarlet right now, and I’m humming “All of You” while she hums “What Else Can I Do” – it’s rather amazing. All three dogs are piled up on a small Walmart dog bed, snorting and arguing. Rider is walking around with empty PEZ containers, and scattering more and more belongings on the floor. Des is resupplying the toilet paper in the bathroom, and Luna the cat is most likely jumping over the moon. The floor is littered with just anything Rider can get his little hands on.

Stuffies, dog treats, boots, birth paperwork – the trappings of a busy vacation week at home.

There’s a certain fluidity in how I write these Friday posts, often starting them on Wednesday (if I’m lucky) or Thursday (mostly) nights. The world burns in its crazy. I still have my hermit days, noticing that these last two years have not given me much suffering over seeing less humans. I can’t even talk about the news from this week, and the nightmares it has been giving me. I feel achy and stiff and like I need oil, much like the Tinman, in order to write and think and love and feel. The bright spots and the breaks are AMAZING. Scarlet and I went for a brisk walk to get the mail, pre-snowstorm, and saw that our beloved Gloria statue had fallen face first in the garden.

“Nooooo!” We cried. “Gloria! I’ll save you!” We ran into the garden and Scarlet couldn’t quite pick her up, but I could. All 7+ months pregnant of me, lifted her up, where we awkwardly found, that she had accumulated ice in a very sensitive area (she’s a naked statue). “It’s nervous pee,” we decided. As we laughed and laughed; huffed and puffed up the driveway. “I’d be nervous too.”

Surely, to fall face first in the cold barren land, and to be lifted by a warm pregnant woman.

No more pain (no more pain), No more pain (no more pain), No drama (no more drama in my life), No one's gonna make me hurt again

“It feels so good
When you let go of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain (free from all the pain)
Free from all the game (free from all the game)
Free from all the stress (free from all the stress)
So find your happiness
I don’t know”

Warmth is the key. Somehow I let my midwife visits slide, because the staff was over-scheduled and I was over-scheduled and I was overdone. I finally got a good appointment in this morning. Clutched by the blood pressure cuff, pinged in the growing stomach by the weight scale, jabbed in the arm with a Tdap vaccine, filling out prenatal depression questionnaires, scheduling BPP ultrasounds on a squeaky chair, and under the too-big surgical mask. The OB office is still more silent and sensory-friendly than being home with the shrieks and squeals, jabs and spills, work emails, and the blaring news – blaring out blaringly awful things about the changing new world.

No more pain, no more pain, No more pain, no more pain, No drama, no more drama in my life, No one's gonna make me hurt again

Last week we all got a blaring snow squall warning on our phones at the same time. We were out and about at the time, and it was sunny, so we laughed it off and went on our way. Sure enough, when we were only minutes from home, we saw the clouds come out of nowhere, and then the first swirling flakes. We got home and parked, and by the time we ran into the house and out onto the back deck, we were fully immersed in a snow globe. Away from downtown traffic and blaring phone warnings, we delighted in the perfect moment. It felt like a gift. We knew it was sketchy outside of our home, and on the highways with their white-out warnings, and in the slippery parking lots, but we had one perfect moment of timing in our silent squall.

No more pain, no more pain, No more pain, no more pain, No drama, no more drama in my life, No one's gonna make me hurt again

When the nurse took my blood pressure this morning, we had been talking about COVID and Ukraine, but not together. I couldn’t believe I could let my arm rest as she routinely wrapped the cuff and squeezed the squeezy part. In this free(ish) world, with our mandates and choices and constant decisions, that then feel so big that they become small. Or they feel so small that they then become big. Where they blur all together in a mess of snowstorm warnings, war, and this virus’ impact on our individual lives. “Good,” she said, and scrolled down numbers. “120 over 80.” Well honestly, I was shocked, as if my body was betraying me by being healthy and with low blood pressure. And yes, I know that 120/80 is normal and not low, but think of how it must be normally when I’m not experiencing white-coat syndrome while talking about war and COVID.

We focus on our tiny, perfect moments. Of the sounds and the silences. The in-betweens.

We breathe to them.

When the midwife felt for the baby’s position (head-down and slightly to the side) she squeezed gently as I took a deep breath. “In. Then out. One long inhale, and one long exhale.” Sometimes, often, I hear my heartbeat first on the doppler. It’s slower, even when excited, and higher in its echo chamber. Then, we hear the right one together at the same time, and she looks at me to make sure I know. I always do. It’s my fourth time, but I’ve always known every time. The whoosh of rapid and growing life; the sound in the silence. Away from this blaringly blaring news of war, snowstorms, and viruses, this one sound whooshes out the rest. I’m flabbergasted every time.

By all of the sounds AND silences, we are far, far too lucky to get to experience.

No more pain, no more pain, No more pain, no more pain, No drama, no more drama in my life, No one's gonna make me hurt again

“Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win”

This is my new birth mix, but before the birth this time. “No More Drama” is song #23.

No more pain, no more pain, No more pain, no more pain, No drama, no more drama in my life, No one's gonna make me hurt again

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  1. Aw, your house sounds so much like my own minus the pregnancy. But Encanto and the Super Bowl Half-time music has been looping here non-stop. And this week was a week off the kids for winter break all while worked around their schedules. But somehow we all made it for better or worse and TGIF now. Hugs 🥰

  2. First, I can totally relate to feeling like you need oil like the Tinman. That is becoming more and more common. I was touring a very cool place called “The American Treasure Tour” when the snow squall hit. The place was full of a very eclectic collection of items gathered by a private collection, and looking through all of that, and out into the snow was sort of surreal. Then 60 degrees, and now an ice storm. You just never know what is coming these days! Glad you are healthy and doing well. You are a natural at this mothering thing!

  3. The world is crazy this week.I too am looking for less drama. So glad you have those three (and soon 4) cuddly kids to make you smile. I hope you weekend is great Tamara!

  4. What a happy post! There is so much drama everywhere right now. I wish I could elect myself supreme world dictator and end it all!! Then return to my normal life. happy almost March 🙂

  5. This seriously and powerfully dramatic video reminds us how we, how society, and how the world is responsible for the drama and how much it can affect those far removed from the sources of the drama. It’s very helpful to avoid making our own drama as often as we can. Smiling out loud at these pics as l always do Tamara! Look at happy Aunt Lindsay! 💕 l’m hoping that everyone’s busy daily schedules will be as drama-free as possible.

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