I first felt like some parts of me were rusted and falling apart back in the prolonged winter. It happened in brief spurts. Kindergarten info session, and then kindergarten registration. I held my own at kindergarten orientation, but surely I was well-oiled or put together by love and/or strength that day. Maybe it was luck. I think there was a day in which we were getting family haircuts, on a blustery day, and suddenly I felt like I needed to run out into the fresh air I couldn’t even breathe in relief.
It was remedied very easily and promptly, but there were bits and pieces of moments like that in the next several months.
When I was pregnant with Scarlet, I felt like a superhero. I had just survived two years of travel, homesickness and anxiety. We then moved back east, into uncertainty and darkness, only to find out I had gotten pregnant on the way back home.
I grew into that pregnancy, and it into me, and I grew into that responsibility. I even dared to wrap my head around the beauty and absolute miracle of life, because you don’t know unless you know. Billions of babies are born and each one is a miracle and a responsibility. I won’t speak for every woman on earth, but I dare say that most if not all of these babies are brought into this world despite fear, nerves and physical discomfort. And we do it, and mostly, hopefully, it’s beautiful. I did it. It was beautiful.
I felt so protected in that strength and beauty. It lasted awhile. When Scarlet was about to turn one, I started to falter. It was at first the milestone itself that loomed closer – the idea of a year passing. Then, she was hospitalized with a dog bite on the day before her first birthday. My fears and anxieties disappeared into something worse.
Maybe it was just the dog bite, but I think it was also the fragility of time and the fact that I was getting closer to something I didn’t want to face. Her growing up? Me growing up, even though I experienced so many good parts of growing up, like being more vulnerable and beautiful in motherhood? Maybe it was the common fear of aging. I don’t believe I am meant to withstand transitions easily. Maybe I was born with a more secure foundation to withstand it every single time the earth moves and the ground shakes, which happens a LOT, but I know there were cracks set in when my father passed away suddenly and it just means change is more challenging to face. I don’t believe I’m hopeless but people in my position or close to it can tell you this:
With Des, the post-birth strength and beauty lasted almost two years. Since my water was broken for over 24 hours and I spiked a fever during labor, he was on high alert at our birthing hospital. He showed one or two symptoms of an infection and was rushed to the NICU. Nothing was ever found, but we had to wait out six days of antibiotics just in case. I negotiated for his health and comfort for six days straight, while going back and forth between my confused three-year-old at home, and my nursing newborn.
I don’t know why my two year “no-anxiety warranty” is up. I don’t know why I’m so touched/nervous/teary-eyed so much lately. Is it Des turning two? Is it my Nana’s death? Is it Scarlet graduating preschool? Is it, most likely, all of the above as well as a little something else? Wear and tear? The need for maintenance and service. There are moments and even long stretches of days in which I still feel all of the joy, magic and laughter. Then there are times I worry that I can’t do this, and that I’m broken.
[Tweet “I worry that I’m broken, as a wife, as a mother, and as a human.”]
I don’t worry that I can’t be fixed, at least somewhat. I don’t worry that I won’t go through non-anxious years again. I know I will. I always will. It’s just the fact that I can feel this way all over again. Every time it happens, the anxiety is a little worse than before and the recovery is a little better than ever before. There are new tricks and tools. The recovery is more sustaining.
I think I’ll go into the shop for repair. And that shop was Cape Cod last week, getting help with my kids this week, deep breaths, crossword puzzles, music, and turning towards supportive people. I know you’re out there! So do The Moody Blues.
I still believe, and I’ll always believe, in my own self-healing abilities. Like with electronics, I feel I’ve been given the technology to rebuild, repair and work as well as before, if not better. Sometimes you just need to take it all apart to put it back together. So I think I’d like an extension on my warranty, please. One year? Two?
Aww, absolutely beautiful Tamara and trust me I get the anxiety and mine is ever so slightly building as we head closer to the fall and kindergarten, too for Emma. Don’t forget we are in so much of this together and I am only a message away if you need. Love you and thinking of you always 😉
I just want summer to last forever! It does help to know you’re in this with me, but sometimes I worry I handle it worse than anyone, you know? Anxiety symptoms and not just thoughts.
You know I totally get it and if summer could last forever, I would be the happiest person alive to be quite honest, because you also know my feelings about the cold and winter now, too.
I’m in denial it will happen again. However, my in-laws rented a house in Florida for a whole month. You can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be visiting them. January!
Ok, jealous and thinking possibly Disney, but either March or April. We shall see 🙂
I’m jealous too..
it will be the first year in which we can’t just.. you know… decide to live in Florida for a month.
Kindergarten and all. Booo!!!!
Aw, I hope you get a lifetime warranty Tamara 🙂 Cape Cod is a good reprieve, and maybe daily small versions of that can help extend it. Best of luck with all the changes, Tamara. Wishing you lots more peaceful days.
Thank you so much! The well wishes really help.
I have no advice, but lots of love and positive thoughts coming at you. Hope you get a lifetime warranty, dear Tamara. xoxo
Thank you! Maybe we all do, or most of us. We’re stronger than we think.
I have found for me, in my role as a mother and wife that the looming feeling of being broken and a failure plays cat and mouse with me all of the time. I love these people (my husband and children) with more than my whole body and soul, but so often because I am human I fail at getting it right. I have a favorite quote, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” That’s what gets me up everyday even when it’s tough and I feel like a mess. I keep going for those people who make my whole world. Hugs Tamara from this imperfect mom 🙂
Hugs back! And I love that quote. And I also love another one I’ve heard about how you are the perfect mother for your own kids.
The funny thing is, transitions don’t scare me. They do something else to me. They bring to me to my knees because I know, I KNOW, that the next one is around the corner. It’s not fear. It’s….. trepidation. It’s the breeze in my hair because time is whooshing past me (US!) by, and there is not one damn thing I can do about it. So it’s also helplessness. It’s grasping at what IS there, and then being angry at myself when I ‘waste’ moments, because they didn’t go the way I wanted them to.
I’m glad you have a ‘repair shop’. I think we all need one.
I never felt like time was whooshing past until Des. The first kid felt more protected, even to me.
I love the way you describe it for you.
Hmm…I know it must not feel great when it happens, but maybe the anxiety is just part of the journey and how you deal with it and write about it as you grow and change is about something so meaningful that you can look back on. I guess when we look back on things they mean something differently than they do when they just happen. I wouldn’t doubt that these feelings could be arising due to all the really eventful things that are happening at the same time in your life. But you can do it, Tamara. You are living it. I know it’s not easy every moment, but I think you do a wonderful job with allowing yourself to feel and be in the moment. This too shall pass, my dear friend. 🙂
I do feel it’s all part of the journey and it makes me stronger. I have to believe that! I love the way you worded it best. And it will pass because it always does. I just get shocked because I always want to be at a place in life in which it’s a non issue, and sadly, I don’t think that’s fully in the cards for me.
You get the lifetime guarantee. We all do.
Sometimes emotions rise upon us like a tide and while in the back of our mind we know it’s because of the sun, the earths pull, and all of those things it’s just hard to really get a grasp on what makes it rise. What causes a wave. We just wait for it to go back down and somehow get through and maybe even, dare I say, enjoy that period when the tide is high.
Oh yes. You explained it perfectly. And I’ve learned more recently that it’s more about the how than the why. It will happen and figuring out why can drive me more crazy. It’s about how I handle it.
I think there are probably a lot of things lending themselves to your hypersensitivity/anxiety to things lately, and very likely the things you identified here. I’ve probably said this to you already in the past few months, but I found for me that after a couple of weeks of Kindergarten, my same kind of anxiety all seemed to slip away, and has remained largely at bay since (minus one or two discrete/minor events). Perhaps that will happen to you after you pass one of the biggest, first/early childhood milestones of letting go. I hope so.
I hope so too. And that makes me feel better. I feel like a big freak about it. Other parents here seem so calm. I know there are many who cry when it happens, but how many are feeling sick/fried two months in advance? I guess I’m a special breed!
First off I LOVE the title, it’s so perfect coupled with this post.We are all so different and no one receives the same timing in experiences. To quote Oprah in saying, “What I know for sure”, is that each milestone with Christopher left me with some breathing room to worry about the next one. As he got older the milestones are a lot farther apart so breathing gets a lot easier. I look back on some things and wonder how did I do that? I believe as mother’s we are all given just enough strength so that when we do fall apart, we don’t break. Count on those “tricks and tools” as a prescription for each meltdown and each milestone.
This is so helpful! I love the perspective of parents past the kindergarten milestone. As much as people say to me, “This is small potatoes compared to the later stuff!” I think it’s not necessarily that way. It’s big because it’s the first real let go, and each small or big let go prepares you for the future.
So I imagine I will build on my tips and tricks.
Either that, or I’ll require medication at some point. No shame either way.
You will get a lifetime warranty. Even if at times it doesn’t feel like that, you will have it. Yes, changes happen and they can be big and scary but just because they are a part of life, doesn’t mean we have to like them. I know it’s hard but it will pass. Sending you hugs!
I think you’re right. We get them and although sometimes it seems far away, we’re stronger than we think.
Thank you!
Change is a hard one for me, too! I also believe in the healing. For me, it takes time, patience (with myself, others with me), a trust and faith in something else (even if it is real, tangible, people), and quiet. Plus talking (or writing). I struggle with change and each time I think I’ll be ok with change itself, something new happens. Over the years, I learned to go with it because it will be over (just as everything is) and I’ll manage change a little better each time 🙂
I’m so with you – trust and faith in something big (whether something I can see or not) and talking/writing is BIG for me. It works pretty much like a charm.
I’ve had some bad bouts of anxiety in my life. Luckily not a lot but just attacks I couldn’t easily get out of – I’m talking an hour or more of bad nausea and chills. Each time, when I finally ventured downstairs or away from myself, it went away instantly. It’s only been a few times in life, but so awful when it happens! And I know it’s not physically based, because it goes away without a trace.
Getting out of myself and the unintentional negative space I create when I’m fearful, anxious, or utterly shocked and surprised with change is a Huge help for me as well! 🙂
I love the way you word it and I never saw it that way! But when I’m festering in my own pain and anxiety, hiding away, that’s a negative space! So getting out of it would of course help.
Glad that is helpful to you. I personally learned from someone else, too! Don’t we all? 🙂
We’re all broken in some way; that’s what makes us human. I’m glad you believe in your ability to self-heal, and that you are surrounded by a support system as well. I’m feeling like I need a tine up lately, and your words hit home and soothed me a bit.
I get very soothed by the words of others. So it’s nice to soothe too. We’re all in this crazy life together!
So, you’re a little cracked… I think Leonard Cohen says it best: There is a crack in everything – that’s how the light gets in.
I think the good mothers are full of self-doubt and anxiety. I swear. We’re sure about all the stuff we are getting wrong, because we’re all human and less than perfect. So we are hard on ourselves. It’s because we care so very deeply.
I’m willing to bet once Scarlet has transitioned into kindergarten like a pro (and she will, most definitely) you are going to feel a lot more at ease. It’s so hard letting them go – bit by bit. But we do. And when they take one of those little steps towards independence and we see how they are really still ours, not that much has changed? We breathe again.
I want to breathe again!
Scarlet is starting kindergarten and Des is starting daycare. And my sister is getting married. All around the same time. Help us all!
Do you think your in-laws would mind if I came and visited in the winter with you:)? I hate that summer is threatening to end as well. I think every time there is a shift in the schedule, a wave of anxiety comes along with it. And when the shift is significant, the wave is “tusnamic”…I don’t think that is a word, but it would a handy one if it were!
ha! Come visit with us!
Don’t worry – there is still time. Some schools start in early or mid August. Where I have lived and where I live now, it’s always early to mid September. So it’s still time.
I think the term “tsunamic” is wonderful and it should be a thing, if it isn’t already.
Changes are hard and anxiety makes them even harder. This is beautifully written and believe me, I had had similar feelings. I’ll take one of those lifetime guarantees too!
Luckily I think we all get one!
Thank you so much.
Your last paragraph reminded me of what it’s like to clean my house sometimes. When I’m organizing things, it always looks worse before it gets better! So glad you were able to get away to Cape Cod for a little rejuvenation to reorganize. 🙂
Sometimes that happens. I like the analogy!
Your baby and family shots are so adorable.
Thanks! It was such a disaster to get the family shot but I’m glad it happened.
For some reason between two and three children really did me in. With my son, I was fine. I could handle it. With Bee, anxiety crept in on how to deal with a sleepless and energetic baby. Now, with the third, I’m trying to manage three personalities, three energy levels and three ages. There is beauty in all of it, somewhere. You just have to find it. Thinking of you.
That’s tough! I was much more nervous with my second than first. Funny how that happens. I love the beauty and discovery in it too, though.
My heart breaks for you. Sometimes we have everything perfect in our world and something is still throwing our mind/body/emotion off balance and it takes a while to get back into the groove. I’m thankful that it is summer and happy things are around you to keep pulling you back to strong/happy wife/mom that you know you are. Big hug and hopes of an even sunnier tomorrow.
It’s so true. I think it’s the waves of change, without much rest in between. I’m definitely taking some downtime in August. I need it badly!
Big hugs to you!
Beautiful family picture on the beach. I’m glad you had a little time to relax this week. I was anxious a lot last week. I knew I had a lot planned, but wasn’t sure how it was all going to turn out. I’m glad I survived the stress and I’m hoping to relax more this week. I hope you find some moments to relax too.
So glad you survived the stress too! For a long time, I had something huge each week. Just huge. Birthdays and appointments and jobs and graduations, etc.
This week? And a lot coming up… nothing. That makes me feel calmer.
I wish I could just hand you that lifetime warranty. If only it were that easy. I do believe in self-healing. It’s powerful stuff. Sending hugs to you, Tamara!
Thanks! I’ll take those hugs.
I think the lifetime warranty is there in all of us.
Oh Tamara, I felt ever word! I’ve been there. Sadly, I return there just when I think I’m in the clear. I’m wishing you all the best; I know sometimes writing helps…. I hope this post was a bit of an exhale for you.
Hugs!
XO
You know, it was an exhale! It all is. Sometimes putting it out there makes it worse because it needs to be put out there AND processed.
I think I’m doing both with this one.
I feel like when we come through big life events and life goes on as usual soon afterward, we don’t get to fully process everything that happened or will happen. Subtle things, like remembering a birthday that we no longer have to send a card for, or a child who is starting a brand new phase that will continue for twelve years, are things that we have to get used to but which we aren’t ready yet. It takes me a long time to process change, and I find when I finally get used to it, something else comes along and it changes again. Not good for that feeling of being settled that I crave.
What an awesome insight! I think it was just one after the other, and I never got to rest. I am resting now.
Ah… oh how I love taking peaks into your soul! Your reflections are always breath taking… and so beautifully laid out for all to see, touch, sense… and ultimately? You are sharing the human experience… it’s powerful isn’t it?
These waves that rush over us- how blessed we are to have a way to allow them to rise and fall- and let the water’s pressure release through words, photos, people, crossword puzzles, beaches, loved ones……
Warranties never expire… I think in the fine print somewhere they just say they only run for that season in which they belong. And the next season has it’s own unique warranty that is custom made to the more sophisticated person you’ve become. standards of living change- and so do we. 🙂
I love to look at it that way! It helps very much. I always feel like I am the only one with anxiety, but I’m not! It is my unique blend.
Change happens. You’ll get through it. Your survival rate so far is 100% – just remember your track record. I feel for you. But don’t worry. You’ll make it.
Hey, that’s so awesome. It’s like.. yeah.. I’m here now, aren’t I? And things have been far worse. Life is so beautiful. I just have to brave the storms a little better.
Thank you.
Cape Cod is a great place to take a breather, relax and regroup. I love the beach. We are doing a few days at the Jersey shore but it’s a huge family thing…I’m not sure how relaxing it is going to be but it will be nice to see people. And I know I will sleep more there. I always sleep better in the sea air. There’s something calming about it.
Oh fun! I can’t wait to hear about it.
The sea air helps me sleep. The long days at the beach tire me out like nothing else. I love that feeling.
Oh, girl! I feel you. I go through cycles, too. I think you are so ahead of the game because you can see the pattern. It took me forever to be able to do that! I know that doesn’t necessarily make it *feel* better, but understanding something, even just a little bit, takes away some of that scary power it can take on, I think.
The end of your 2 year cycle coincides with so many big changes, too! That doesn’t help. Hang in there. We love you!!! XOXO –Lisa
Oh…and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We missed your special day while we were away. I hope you had a lovely birthday with your sweet family!
Aw! And thank you. I hope you had a fabulous time.
I think you’re right. Knowledge is power, right?
I wonder what the next thing to make me feel very strong will be. I don’t think it will be another baby this time!
You know we are here to support you! You have had SO much transition in the past few weeks, it is totally understandable that you have all the feelings right now. Scarlett is beautiful inside and out, she will be so fantastic in Kindergarten and I can’t wait to follow the journey with you. xo. In the meantime, its okay to feel all the feels and just ride with it.
Thank you! It really does help to hear that. We’re all in our challenges together and it helps.
xoxo
Sending you lots of love, friend. This is a really crazy time full of lots of transitions. Those are always the hardest, even if they happen all the time.
You’re in it too! And handling it quite nicely, from what I imagine. What are your secrets??
I hope that going to Cape Cod was indeed relaxing for you. You’ve definitely had a lot of downs and life changes to deal with lately. Hopefully things will slow down for you just enough to enjoy life & avoid more anxiety. Many virtual hugs being sent your way!
You know, in Cape Cod I was virtually anxiety-less. Also, no allergies!
That sea air. It’s good for a person.
Tamara, this totally made me tear up. Your vulnerability in your writing is beautiful, and I love that you write about something that’s so hard to describe unless you’ve felt it. I suffer from minor anxiety too. I had postpartum anxiety disorder and almost turned to anti-depressants after my first baby.It’s such a dark and scary place. I always use my thoughts and try to tell myself that emotions are created by our thoughts, think something happy. It’s not always easy, but it will get better. Think of those lovely, sweet & innocent faces and remember the light. You inspire. (hug)
I didn’t have postpartum depression but it’s like I had pre-partum anxiety. Or just partum! Whatever the word for that is! I remember feeling nauseous with Des in the first trimester and thinking it was anxiety. It stopped abruptly at 14 weeks so it was most likely morning sickness but I was so hard on myself.
I wanted to turn to anti-anxiety meds but I was pregnant and then nursing and it never seemed the route to take.
You’re so right – it will get better.
Thank you!
I consider you my sweet amazing friend and I don’t think you are broken!!!! This is just part of the ebb and flow and it isn’t easy but you will get through because you have an incredible family and many friends who love you!!!
I hope that you have the breaks you need, the hugs you need and the knowledge that you are still an amazing mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, photographer and so much more!!!
You are the best and you’re my amazing friend! Sometimes I just think that I shouldn’t ever feel this bad again, but that’s not realistic. And the goods will be so good again.
By the way…good song by the Moody Blues, I’ve told you before and will say it again that for the things that we have in common as friends (and there have grown to be several) some of them are uncannily the same. I’ve mentioned it before…the anxiety. When I raised the two boys I remember the anxiety of kindergarten. It’s intense at moments isn’t it? And anxiety in general; why we get it, the symptoms and the sometimes desperate internal plea to have it leave us into the ether. I would not and will not tell you “that’s life…” It’s your own personal, raw experience and yet I will remind you how genuinely I do believe in your incredible strength within, Tamara! Good post as always 🙂
Thank you for believing in me! And also thank you for noticing my song reference. It’s so part of my childhood. Sometimes it just feels like I should always feel better than this.
I too have been going through an anxious period, and I keep beating myself up about it because I’ve been here so many times before, it seems crazy that I can’t just pull myself out of it. Fortunately, I’ve noticed that every time I go through this cycle, the rough patches are just a little bit shorter. I claw my way out of the pit just a little bit faster.
That is the rough part. I beat myself up. Because it does affect my parenting. It makes me less present and less helpful and less playful with them. And then I think I’m scarring them for life! Luckily I don’t really believe that’s the case.
“Oh my goodness, I love Scarlet, and I love babies!” this is what my Addy just told me as I was reading your post. She saw Scarlet’s picture and asked who she was, and once I told her, that was the response I received. Addy had a dog bite to her face about 6 weeks ago. We had to go to the ER and they wouldn’t let us bandage or have stitches because of the high risk of infections with dog bites. It’s so sad, because it was our family pet. She has since found a very loving new home where there are no children, but it was still heartbreaking. I’m a bit anxious these days myself and all I can say is that I hope it is a cycle….one that I will learn from, grow from, and eventually grow out of. I always say that about everything in the world….it’s a cycle…what comes around goes around….and nothing ever stays the same. I should probably add “This too shall pass”.
Thank you, Addy! And thank you to YOU! It is a time of change. Late July and early August are always weird for me. My birthday happens and just the knowledge that summer is ending and very big changes are on the horizon. Even with me not in school anymore, it’s still just as strong.
Change is scary even though it is a natural part of life. Sometimes I wish I could just freeze a moment and live in it forever.
What’s funny is there’s actually a Japanese movie about just that! It fascinated and haunted me when I saw it. I couldn’t imagine ever choosing just one like they had to in the movie.
I feel this way a lot too. For my older one, it’s anxiety that I wasted his toddlerhood and now he’s just growing and growing and keeps getting older too quickly. And for my little one, it’s like someone punches me in the stomach when I think of how he’s probably my last baby and I just am not ready to not have a baby in my life. What a freak I sound like to write that out. I feel you, the anxiety and overwhelmingness of it all, it’s a lot.
You don’t sound like a freak at all. Some of those thoughts are why I want a third baby, but the problem is that I can’t imagine being pregnant ever again. It was so hard for me and I had easy ones. And I got two healthy kids. It’s a source of anxiety. I wish Cassidy could just take one for the team!
1. Superheroes never lose their powers, you know. There always there. Sometimes there’s a comic written in which they seem to lose them, or have them compromised, but they never really go away. I don’t think yours do either.
2. When they say life IS change, they’re wrong. Life is more finding what works and sticking to it and maybe even making it better, while appreciating everything about it. If life IS change, then we must not be satisfied with what is around us. No thank you.
3. Knowing how this feels a bit, I have to believe that we do get better at the recovery. Like, there’s some developer somewhere developing a patch for us or an update that gives us better widgets. They shore stuff up for us for the next time we’ll need that patch. And how we handle it, that’s the R&D part. Yeah, that’s change.
I prefer to think of it as finding what works. And making it even better.
I do love that developer patch analogy. It makes perfect sense. Sometimes you just wait anxiously for the update. Sometimes the update comes when you don’t even really think you need it, but maybe you do. I do always love quotes about how we are all stronger than we think we are. I’ll never stop believing.
I’m anxious all the time and it’s exhausting because it’ll never end. Not even when my son is 18 or 25 or 35.. I’m going to be an irritating, nagging mother who expects a call at least once a week and a text once daily or else. <- SO I was typing this out last night and blacked out on my sofa after ingesting whiskey/coke and watching Lucy, which btw was OK it was frustrating more than anything. Your kids are healthy, beautiful, vibrant, and intelligent all will be fine and you will all adapt smoothly. 🙂 Happy Tuesday love! -Iva
Ah, I always love your comments. And I’m still mad that I missed getting your last two posts in my feed! I would never miss a post otherwise. Never ever.
Glad my comments amuse thee 🙂 No worries – I was looking in Feedly and like 6 freakin’ feeds pop up when I type my blog URL, IT’S TOO MUCH!? Lol. I’m tired why can’t things just WORK!
I wonder that a lot. It’s because we don’t run the world. I’d be a great compliance officer.
Aw, such sweet photos of Scarlet! I am with you on the life-time warranty. I have to admit, there is a subtle anxiety when changes occur with my kids. For me it is a reminder of how quickly time passes by. My daughter and I went wedding dress shopping this weekend and it was a bit surreal to see her in those dresses and know that she will be married this time next year, when I still remember her so vividly as a child. I have learned to embrace and celebrate each phase.
That is something I cannot imagine! My older sister, my mom’s first, is getting married this fall and my mom got to go with her for the dress fitting. In my case, I lived in California at the time of my wedding and had to do it alone.
Your situation makes me think on the process of a seed becoming a beautiful flower. It has to be buried in the dirt and covered in darkness. Then it undergo tremendous pressure before the sprouts to come forth, eventually budding into a beautiful flower. You are already the result of many budding flowers, but you have more bouquets to produce! And it makes you stronger each and every time. xo
Wow. Every time I read your comments and your posts, I giggle to the point of my stomach hurting. However, you also have a way with words that can uplift and inspire. Beautiful.
Tamara what a timely read! I have been thinking lately that I am failing as a mother and as a wife. I have come to accept that we will feel anxious, and fearful and doubtful but we will always find our way back. We have to find our way back!
Of course I read this comment and think that there is no way on earth you could fail. And then I’m uplifted that people might think the same of me. Really we are all wonderfully imperfect and doing the best we can.
Aww, what a beautiful family you have! And I think it’s totally natural to go through these highs and lows throughout our lives…being introspective helps us become better and better. xo!
So true! And I think that many more people talk about mental illness these days. And also that very few people are completely exempt through their whole lives. Mine is situational and not general, and I do feel lucky about that.
Oh, I know this feeling well. I find myself going in and out of these moods, depending on certain milestones crossed by my children. It’s hard, no doubt. Growing up. Changes. They do so much to make me sentimental. I find that writing about those moments happens. Trips. Taking breaks. They all help. I hope since writing this and since travelling, you are feeling better. xo.
It always makes me feel so much better to talk about this and to have you all talk back to me. I think that as I grow, I learn new ways to deal with anxiety. Some of them I come up with on my own, but a lot of them I get from listening to all of you. Thank you.
Okay so you’re definitely NOT the only one who has had some child missteps/mishaps!!!! So DO NOT beat yourself up at all!!! My brother, in kindergarden – his lungs collapsed. My sister’s appendix burst. I broke my wrist 4 times… And when I was 21 had emergency surgery to have my large intestine removed (doesn’t count as kid issues but still, lol)… And well, something else happened when I was younger, but it’s something that is a bit too personal to be shared via a blog comment. But truly, all of these experiences shape who you and your children are! You’re not a bad mother by ANY MEANS!!! Your children are going to be your best friends when they get older. Sure I had my ups and downs with my mother, but I have to admit, at this current point in my life, my mother is my best friend and she will never NOT BE!
Wow. I am so sorry about all of those mishaps, and I can see how challenging that would’ve been for your mom. Just when I think about the few times my kids have been sick or injured, I shudder. However, in the moment of crisis, I really am okay. So there is that. You know that your comments always lift me up?
I am glad that my comments can lift you up! Every time I read your blog you always touch something in my heart, and I just feel the need to TALK TO YOU! I wish we lived closer, I could definitely see us having some great heart to hearts while sitting on one of our back porches sipping iced tea… And I could also see us riding mechanical bulls at the bar after hours! LOL!
I can totally see it spilling out of you. Your comments are so sincere and thorough. I am all for a heart-to-heart, followed by the mechanical bulls! Sign me up.
Having young kids, the first few years are such a roller coaster of change and emotion, especially if they start off in the NICU for Des and a dog bite for Scarlet. Poor girl but adorable cheeks. I love seeing the photos of them growing and changing, and yet staying the same. So even though life changes, we can take comfort in that some things stay the same.
You are so right. I do hang onto those constants, that are made to be constants. And Scarlet has really adorable cheeks. I’m glad they have healed nicely.
I am a total believed in self-recovery too! Though not for everyone, I think the person has to be open, willing, and interested in doing the work because yeah, it’s definitely work. But it works for me! Most of the time..I think? lol That dog bite situation is traumatic and I’m so glad it’s all okay- I would definitely be scared for a while. I love the way you’ve used “warranty” in this post. I would like a lifetime guaranteed warranty please! And as always, your photos are on another level
It is so much work! As with parenting and marriage, it’s the kind of work you have to do to thrive. And it’s the kind of work that doesn’t always feel like work. It feels crazy. Totally nutty. And thank you!
What a touching post, Tamara. It really reminds me just how much work it is being a mother to little ones. It’s the hardest, thankless yet most rewarding job on the planet. Mother melancholy will set in with those baby milestones. I remember feeling that way as well. I forget now that mine are grown, although they pose new challenges. Hugs!
I definitely wonder about that later in life challenges. My parents did a splendid job with raising five kids. I can’t even imagine. All of the heartache and hard times, and they’re really not necessarily over.
Can I say again how your writing and your reflections can sometimes take my breath away? And the feeling of being broken? I feel that a lot sometimes, especially lately. I think it’s a lot of the transitions and changes and finding my groove because when I find my groove, I’m confident. But then it all changes again so quickly. I do hope that you have a lifetime guarantee. I hope we all get one. Thank goodness for repair shops!!
Thank goodness indeed! And thank goodness for friends who really truly get it. And I know you do. It’s been a weird era of going in and out of anxiety and confidence. Usually it’s one or the other.
I’ve taken in each and every word of this post in this bright Wednesday morning and everything is at peace here at home. This is a lovely read Tamara! I guess at some point, most of us will feel this way too. A part of me wants to stop Reiko from growing because I think I can’t catch up! But how do I do that? I can’t even stop him from growing! Ugh. Sooner or later, gone are the days when we all just stay comfortably in our bedroom all day because Reiko will have to go out and grow and socialize with so many other people.
When I gave birth, the doctor told me that I was ok and recovering so fast, she also told me that she’d see if Reiko and I could go home together on that day. And I was saying it’s ridiculous! Is it really possible for the baby to stay while I was already home? I just can’t bear that. And now I see how hard it really was for you that time. Reiko and I did go home together the day after I gave birth.
Really? They would send you home without the baby? That did happen to me because I was discharged in good health and Des still had to go to the NICU. That was a weird feeling.
Those lovely faces around you in that photo, they are your lifetime warranty. I feel this so much. It’s been a huge summer for you. For me too. And I always try to look ahead for the moment when it all calms down a bit and I can breathe for a bit and enjoy things staying constant for just a bit. But that moment just doesn’t seem to come. So we keep on keeping on.
I’m so glad we met each other during our huge summers. Technically it was spring but you know what I mean. Wishing for easier breathing for all of us.
Another open, honest amazing post! I really wish I could just write out how I feel, just like you do. I enjoy constants, not a big fan of change but I know it happens and will continue happening. One day at a time is the best. I love the pic of the four of you on the beach. So perfect!
One day at a time really is the most perfect advice for this. And thank you for your wonderful compliments!
I have no doubt it’s a combination of all of the things you mentioned. We aren’t robots who take an experience, process it and move on. All of those feelings and years of dealing with the anxiety of your first child to the difficulty with Des to your grandma to everything inbetween are what make you who you are. Of course you’re emotional!
There’s never an expiration date on any of that stuff. I think it comes and goes but will always be there, at least a little.
your post are always filled with such feeling. Even though we’ve never met (hope this doesn’t sound creepy) I feel like I am hearing from a friend I have had for years. I don’t even know your family IRL and I KNOW we would all have so much fun! I have been feeling the same…Henry turned two in May. I know there is way more to it (for you) but I can relate.
Not creepy! We are totally friends. I’m just waiting for you to come visit.
Oh my Tamara your warranty is definitely not up. We all go through times like that. I remember when my son Kyle went to Pre-K for the first time. I cried more than he did. Madison turned 2 in January and for some reason no-one really noticed. We just know that she talks a lot more and I remembered worrying that she wouldn’t talk. Now we can’t get her to be quiet. You have a lot of people in the blog and real life world there for you so my friend, your warranty still have a few more decades left on it.
I would love to hear her talk! Maybe a vlog is in order. When Des crossed over to being two, he started speaking a lot of sentences. He is still not understood by other people but we understand him. I just remember Scarlet being a lot more articulate.
I think we are all a little broken — the world is broken. Just the other day I had a mini freak out inside…..something dark, almost a seething rage… it just seemed to take root and I was like “the hell?!” It’s a beautiful day. the kids are healthy. my man loves me…. of all the nerve girl: pull yourself together. But I couldn’t — quicksand. The harder I pulled, the deeper I sunk. And then it passed. And I still don’t know why; but it scared the crap out of me. Those moments, they just rear up sometimes and I wonder if it’s old scars just itching and stretching; although they don’t break open. I just try to hold and remember that scars are really just wounds that have healed. And that I’ll be okay. And I deserve to be ok. we all are worthy enough 🙂
I had a moment like that this morning. I just felt so angry and I couldn’t handle it. Luckily I didn’t hit or kick anything, but these pesky kids and pets were definitely trying to push me.
I think times of transition and change cause a little uneasiness in all of us. I hope that yours subsides soon and you are “healed” again very soon! Hugs!
Thank you, my friend! I even feel a lot better this week than last week. Just too much stuff in the head.
You are a strong woman, Tamara. You may not feel like it, you may not sound like it, but you are. That is what I see when I read till the end of your beautiful, yet heartbreaking words.
Thank you. That makes me feel stronger.
I’m sure it’s a mix of all these. Don’t be too hard on yourself! We all need a break and some relaxation. Especially when raising children….I think I should videotape how many things my children ask for in a 5 minute span. Seriously moms should be defined as selflessness.
Haha! Maybe you should! I’ve been noticing lately the questions because they’re getting harder than I can answer! Thankfully there’s google.
I know life’s cycles have cycles. For me, I feel like I’m on a three year cycle. That’s how my kids are spaced and this year, after Ben turned four things have seemed somewhat out of sync. I don’t think it’s a new normal. It’s more of a phase…that lasts a long time…
I am sorry I am so late to this discussion, but wanted to lend my support. I think the passage of time is always tenuous for me. Just watching my daughter enter third grade left me in a puddle of tears. No answers here, but know you are not alone. Sending hugs. xoxo
Third grade does seem like a big deal. I’ve also heard it’s a very wonderful age because they’re still children, but old enough to do things by themselves. And also too young to be too jaded. I love that idea. It’s probably a big adjustment.