Modern Day Confessions.

Why? Because all the other ones are so outdated.

You already know that I’m a slow eater with a fetish (not sure that’s the right word!) for moose, cookies, books, and sundresses. You know I have an unmedicated but relatively controlled situational anxiety disorder. You know that I have two kids, and a lot of fears about my own mortality. You know that I’m getting closer to the age my father was when he died, and I’m wondering if I’m dying. Or am I living? You know that my #1 life dream, after writing my own life-changing book and having my photos be on the walls of homes and museums, is to go to Alaska. That’s up there with northern lights, white and/or albino moose, blue whales, and white sharks. What is out there? I’m dying to know. Or is it that I’m living to know?

Did you know that I suffer much more from fear than motion sickness? I don’t think I have motion sickness at all, in fact. I just sat through a 3-D Finding Dory because I goofed up movie times, and I felt like I was really underwater for nearly two hours.

I have never been on a roller coaster, but I may be about to go on my first, but that’s a story from another day in the past or maybe in the future. You know this. Right? And about my sock obsession and that I really love my hair, but not much else?

..but did you know that I’m obsessed with my boobs and that we have a new kitten? I’d better explain.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Betcha didn’t know that Sound of Music songs tend to get stuck in my head for a long time. And that my voice sounds way better to myself in my head than otherwise. I wish that was different.

Betcha didn’t know I’ve been wearing the wrong bra size for a year or more. Even though it’s been 20 years since I fell behind most of the other girls in school, or so I thought, I never got over that thinking. I don’t weigh 90 pounds anymore, but I’m still slim and narrow, especially on top, or so I thought. Even though I’m still a size 2 or XS in anything that goes on top, t-shirts have never fit me the same way and I couldn’t understand why. Was it my shoulders? They are still narrow. My stomach? Nah. My weight? I’m still within ten pounds of my high school graduate weight. What was it? I went into Victoria’s Secret the other night, and I’m actually TWO cup sizes bigger than I thought. Yes, I’m obsessed. I feel like I got a free boob job. TMI? Nah.

I still see this girl in the mirror:

Even though it’s more like this girl now:

And maybe even different now. Less tired and less directly postpartum.

Betcha didn’t know I’m neurotic about my kids’ toys to a fault. My mom is like this, and my father was like this, so maybe it’s more genetic than it is situational. Recently Des was crying because he had left a favorite toy at daycare (which was later and easily found) and his wailing made me cry, and we both cried as I carried him down the street. He, because he was overtired and didn’t get his way. Me, because I was remembering a librarian taking my prized Donald Duck stuffie away from me right after my father had died and it broke a little and my mom yelled at her. Good. I would have yelled at her too.

Betcha didn’t know that almost everyone in my family is either a teacher, or has certifications to be one, and I couldn’t imagine a worse career for me. I am horrible with patience. I can imagine shouting, “What don’t you understand?? I explained it five times!” Also with my strange and situational anxiety, I can’t imagine getting up in front of 20 people on an off day. It’s hard enough with hiding behind a computer! It’s hard enough with two kids and two pets! Which brings me to my next point..

Betcha didn’t know we got a new kitten yesterday.

No, we don’t have two cats. Penny passed away a few weeks ago and it was AWFUL. AWFUL. I can cry right now just thinking about it. I spent most of my life being neurotic about her safety and someone left a door open. She was killed by a fisher cat. I didn’t mention it for so many reasons. Grief, work, other awful stuff going on at the same time. I wasn’t ready. She was a good friend to me. I have been heartbroken without a cat in my life, so I went to the best shelter ever and found this girl.

Juniper. Junie, for short. I’m going to be even more neurotic about keeping her indoors. The world is scary out there.

Betcha didn’t know that Des got a pretty significant haircut this week. He loves it. And looks 12!

Betcha didn’t know that I don’t cry a lot, except when I’m angry or have bottled my frustrations for far too long. And you know that the last five minutes of Futurama’s “Jurassic Bark” episode kill me inside. Well The Curious Case of Benjamin Button gave me such a strong reaction, that I’ve been afraid to ever see it again. I don’t really know why, or not in so many words. I’m already over 1,000 words! Anyone have a spare six hours to hear? The Sixth Sense killed me in a different way.

Betcha didn’t know that when I wash dishes, I won’t finish them. I’ll be going along just fine and then just decide it’s time to stop. I might have just one dish left, but I won’t finish it. It could be two dishes. Or three! I just refuse to go on.

Betcha didn’t know that even though waffles and pancakes are similar, I won’t touch waffles. Pancakes? I could drown them in butter and syrup. Why? Why won’t I touch waffles? Why are pancakes better? Is it the thick vs. thin factor?

Betcha didn’t know I only like thin burgers, with cheese, ketchup, mustard, and extra pickles.

Betcha didn’t know how much I die inside that Scarlet isn’t this age anymore:

What is it about you that you bet I didn’t know?

The “Who I Am” Project belongs to my friend and fellow blogger, Dana. It’s a way to create a virtual scrapbook of your life to tell your loved ones. It’s a year-long monthly series that goes live the third Tuesday of the month, and each topic will explore a piece of your story. By the end of 2016, you can expect to have written a record to pass on to the people in your life. You can include photos (of course I will) but this is mostly about words. You can link up once, twice, or the six left.

In her words:“What do you want future generations to know about you? Tell me something you bet I don’t know in the comments, or link up this month – the link-up is open for three weeks. If you’d like to receive the monthly prompts for the Who I Am project, click the graphic below. You’ll get the prompt on the first Tuesday of the month, and a notification that the link-up is live on the third Tuesday. No other emails, I promise!”

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  1. It is funny, because so much of this I can relate to (big surprise my twin), especially the weight and the bra size as I am still pretty close to my high school, but I wouldn’t fit into my high bras either though. But still loving learning this and more about you tonight 😉

    1. We are such twins. I was always.. small, you know? And I still think of myself as being that skinny and that small, but things have changed. I had kids. I have hips where there used to be straight lines. I have.. boobs. I really do. I can’t see them but they’re there because I got a second opinion on the sizing since I didn’t believe them!!
      I’m sure I entertained the whole staff that night.

  2. I think about doing this sometimes…leaving a record of who I was for my kids, or their kids. I have yet to do it. I have a bunch of old scrapbooks but they talk about what I did or we did, not what I felt or what I thought about.
    I’m going to have to do this soon. It’s such a nice idea to leave a record of yourself. I often wonder things about past relatives that I don’t know.

    Your poor kitty! I’m sorry. We have a fox living near us and I hadn’t seen it until this morning (I’d only heard about it from other people). Well this morning it was hanging out in the middle of the road with one of our cats. They were maybe ten feet from each other. I was so stressed when I saw them at first, but the cat was totally disinterested and not concerned at all. And I think the fox didn’t want to pass by the cat, so she laid down in the road and waited. It was the most bizarre thing. When the cat left, the fox got up and left too.

    1. Same here. My ancestry line is murky at best for me. Our future generations are going to have social media. Gulp. I guess we have to make it count!
      I’m so relieved about your cat and the fox. We have so much wilderness around here that I worry in general about all pets. If you live near a main road, you worry for different reasons. I hate that. I don’t want to fail this sweet kitty.

  3. Yay to your new kitty! She can’t replace Penny, but I hope she’ll fill the hole I your heart a little. Betcha didn’t know that I can’t remember the last time I was sized for a bra – gonna do that soon! So glad you joined me this month, Tamara! Oh, and that duck with the “Tammy I love you” shirt – keep that forever, please.

    1. It’s weird. She’s making me miss Penny even more, because there are just routines and whatnot that I’m used to. And like the two ferals we had two years ago and Penny, this cat likes to hang out near my desk. I’m trying to always remind myself she’s different. She makes me happy, but in her own way and not a replacing way. I love that.

      I’m happy to tell you that she’s next to me right now, and so is that stuffed duck!!!

      AWESOME linkup.

  4. I think I officially claim this as one of my favorite posts that you have written. I love learning more about you and I really love the way that you string words together. They go along so smoothly, then bam, a zinger, I have to reread or catch my breath. And stifle the urge to either come give you a high five, a huge or roll on the floor laughing. And I almost always have to blink back a tear or two. I cannot believe how big Scarlet and Des are getting. They’ve grow up before my eyes. And the new kitten, so adorable. I am so sorry about Penny. I know you loved her. And I love the name Juniper, Juni is the luckiest kitten alive. What a great link up idea. I love linkups that are similar to the bloggers of old, when we used to answer questions and really get to know each other. I miss that. Hugs to you, I hope that this week is much better than last!

    1. Thank you! It was totally word vomit, but I couldn’t seem to stop. And hey, if it makes even one person realize their bra size may be wrong, Victoria’s Secret can come here and thank me.
      I loved Penny so much. Juniper was named by the shelter but we kept it because we like the nickname! She was found at one pound, hungry and dehydrated. Now she’s bouncing all around and I will do my absolute best to keep her safe always!

  5. I am so sorry about Penny. 🙁 I know that feeling and I cry inside just thinking about how you must feel. New kitties don’t replace old kitties, but they find a warm, comfy corner in your heart and make it their own to curl up in. I got teary reading this. Maybe it’s my weird empath thing. Maybe it’s because, as a fellow (though sometimes heavily medicated) anxiety sufferer, I know how hard things hit. Even memories. Even other people’s memories. Some days are just impossible.
    But then other days have rainbow sprinkles.

    1. It’s true. I still feel sad about Penny but I definitely can carve a place for Junie in my heart. She’s so tiny and cute. I hope we bond for many years, and she better not ever get outside!
      I get it about the empath stuff. I’m about to have rainbow sprinkles right now!

  6. I absolutely prefer pancakes over waffles. And I hate thick pancakes. Des totally looks 12. I just want to pick up that kitten and hug her. Do the kids ever put her down? Scarlet looks totally in love.

    1. I made pancakes yesterday and they were ok but the batter was gummy. What did I do wrong? It was thick recipe. I’m going thin today. Thin won’t steer me so wrong.

      Des is in middle school right now, it looks like!

      As for the kitten, she’s meowing at my feet right now. It’s really hard to put her down. Scarlet and I are happy to hold her 24/7, if she’ll have us. Des and Cassidy don’t care as much about holding her.

  7. I love this. I’m sorry to hear about your kitty, but the new one is absolutely adorable. I have terrible situational anxiety as well. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to work – a place I have come to almost every day for 5.5 years. Sometimes I can’t even handle it.

    1. That’s so interesting. I’ve been affected at various jobs over the years. I could always power through, but sometimes it was so hard. Work is generally a safe place for me, so when it’s not, that royally sucks!

  8. I’m so sorry about Penny and in the words of Forrest Gump “That’s all I have to say about that.” 🙁 Let’s get to the good stuff. The new kitty is adorable, Des is so HANDSOME and LOL to my e-mail reply assumption about “the bra”. I’m happy for you and I know how you feel in the reverse. I was way ahead of the girls, I got mine first and I’ve always been self conscious of them looking too big. I’m no Dolly Parton but when you start getting boobs in the 3rd grade you don’t get over it. Anyway I’ve lost weight and my boobies aren’t like “in my face”. Shirts look nice and except for when I don’t have on a bra (TMI) I feel like I got new ones too!

    1. I like the way Forrest says that! It gets the point across.
      I can’t believe you wondered if I got implants! haha! I would never. I think. Anyway, I sure like the fact that they grew on their own. I have no idea why but I guess all my wishes on stars when I was 13 finally got heard. Ha!!
      Congrats on YOUR new boobs too!

  9. Mike doesn’t wash his bottles, and I betcha didn’t need to know, but I’ll tell you anyway that it drives me bat sh*t crazy!:) Congrats on Junie and your new bra! I love you !

    1. Do you mean Parker’s bottles? That would really suck!
      I love you! Come snuggle Junie. She is so tiny and my macro lens makes her look big but she’s very small! But my boobs are bigger! What?

  10. Ok, I’m not small on top. but I don’t think I have ever worn the proper bra size either, lol. I usually just try one on and say, “Eh, this one works.”. I am neurotic about our yorkie’s safety because we live by a busy road and he runs so fast. I also lost 2 dogs to a bust road, but that is a whole other issue. Sorry about Penny, hun. I know she was special. Des looks so cute, but yes, he does look much older!

    1. haha. I used to do that. The biggest surprise to me is being too big for bras that used to be too big. So.. yeah.. personal and boob growth and all of that!
      Ugh, about the dogs!
      My friend lost a puppy a few years ago and got a new one only a few days later. I thought that was odd, but I get it now more.
      And Des looks so old. I can’t take it! But also so young!

  11. So very sorry about your cat!!! I’m glad we don’t have Fisher Cats here in Florida, coyotes are bad enough. A few years ago they got several of the neighborhood cats. I don’t think, if I lost my cat, that I would get another one that quickly.

    I know this was a directed article that you wrote, but why don’t you focus on more positive things, what do you think? Because there are so many more positives than negatives with you and in your life.

    1. It’s been about a month, but I agree it was quick. I missed the cat interaction terribly.
      This is one of my few that’s not a directed article – this was all me – writing what was in the heart. I do like finding the positive, but I felt it was important to honor the words flowing. That’s why I love exercises like this. There is pain and joy.

  12. I am so sorry about Penny. Your new kitten is precious.

    We’re seeing Finding Dory tomorrow. But not in 3D. We did see Angry Birds in 3D.

    1. It was rather accidental but no harm in the long run! I think Des had fun reaching out and thinking he could touch the movie. I hope you like it!

  13. I loved reading Danas post – and now yours. I should write one. I couldn’t be teacher either. I love the picture of Scarlet and I think I die a little for you! And so sorry about Penny: (.

    1. Thank you, Allie! Yes, Dana’s post rocked. I’m usually such an FSTF girl on Fridays, but I had to do this. I couldn’t be a teacher for so many reasons, which makes me respect them every bit much more!

  14. I love this post, Tamara. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button has the same impact on me. I think its the passage of time and watching it unfold, piece by piece, that hits me in the gut. Robin William’s What Dreams May Come does the same thing to me.

    Des’s haircut is adorbs!

    1. Get this – I STILL won’t watch What Dreams May Come. I’m so petrified of it! And I get it about Benjamin Button too. I think it also somehow had to do with my father dying young. Something about losing your love so young. Ugh. I’ll maybe never see it again, but I think maybe I should.

  15. I want to do one of these so much! Argh. TWO SIZES? Wowza. I bet you feel all super power like with the right bras finally! And the kitty is completely adorable (boo to Penny! :()
    Aaaand I know what you mean about Scarlet not being that age anymore. I feel the same about Tucker. SOB.

    1. I do, Kristi! I feel like I can save the world! Ok, but in all honesty – after thinking I was small and finding out I’m not so small.. makes me feel like I suddenly got them. Even though they have been here for probably awhile. At least a few months anyway! Not sure why they’re here. I guess all that time I wished for bigger ones? The fairies heard my wishes.

      (that’s a joke.. I think)

  16. Sorry to hear about Penny 🙁
    I also prefer pancakes to waffles too, but I will eat them. My husband is the opposite he prefers waffles to pancakes.
    I need to get measured for my bra size. It’s been a year since I stopped breastfeeding so I feel like they have settled into my new normal size. I bought a few bras right after I stopped but those don’t fit right now.

    1. My family gets waffles crazy sometimes and I go and make myself eggs, to their surprise.
      I had changed quite a bit with having a kid and then having two years in between the next pregnancy. I think my bra size changed a half dozen times.

    1. Yes, a BIG difference! I’m so comfortable for the first time in ages.
      Junie is so cute. She’s not even two months and I’ve never had a true kitten before. Not that young!

  17. Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear about Penny! It’s been a tough few weeks, I’m sending you all the love I can. Do you feel it? I hope you do. I’m terribly sorry.

    I feel the same way about my babies not being the same age I have in my head for each one of them.
    Des looks so handsome!
    HAHA! YOUR BOOBS! I found out the same, I still see myself has smaller on top. Technically, I am smaller than most (at least in my family) but thankfully, Mommy perk I got boobs! 🙂
    So, are you my long lost sister? We both love socks, cookies, have a strong love for our kids and their favorite toys. I wrote about my son’s lost monkey, and I believe I touched on how I felt TERRIBLE. It was right after our accident last summer in Indiana. 🙁 I still get sad thinking about it.
    Okay, this is were you and I are different, I LOVE WAFFLES WAFFLES WAFFLES. 🙂 (Teen Titans Go reference)
    My family is all about pancakes. I made them homemade blueberry pancakes today, and homemade waffles yesterday, pancakes are still their favorite. Also, I would love to be a teacher. I’m not sure how my anxiety would work in that situation, but I think I’d be able to forgetta bout it. 🙂

    1. Yes, it really has. I feel like my Thursday/Friday posts keep revealing sad news. Let’s hope this was the last one. Generally I go to social media for comfort, but I sort of did the reverse with the cat. I was too devastated.

      The mom perk is amazing. I still think I’m a 32A, but I may never have been a 32A. That’s just what I see, because I’m remembering being 14-years-old and 90 pounds on a good day. So I may have been a B, C, or D for years now and just thought of myself as smaller. It’s ridiculous. If you’re coming out of your bras on a daily basis, but still weigh the same, it’s the boobs. Not a weight gain. I’m ridiculous.

      I remember the monkey story. Sniff. Sniff.

      I had a bad experience with waffles both as a child and as a pregnant woman. So.. there’s hope. I do recognize their awesomeness, but, I can’t get over the fears. Yet.

  18. Interesting stuff! In all honesty, I might be wearing the wrong bra size too.. until now. When I go to the store, I just get whatever seems to fit me. LOL. You’re like my husband when washing the dishes, he doesn’t usually finish it.

    Also, sorry to hear about Penny. I’m happy you got a new kitten! xx

    1. Maybe you are right! I have probably changed so many times from having kids and then not, but the bras have been tight recently and I had no idea why. Denial! Maybe I thought I put them in the dryer.

  19. Oh Tamara…

    This post… I don’t even know where to begin, but I thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life. There is no such thing as oversharing, in my opinion.

    I’m so incredibly sorry about Penny 🙁 My heart aches for your family and I imagine that must have been unbelievably difficult to go through. I hope this adorable kitty fills at least a part of that hole for your family <3

    Des is so handsome with his new haircut; I die a little at tiny Scarlet. So precious 🙂 And I love your hair too but good god, woman–it would kill me if you just left ONE DISH in the sink, hahah!!

    PS: I can't believe the size of my actual boobies either. Are we all just conditioned to walk around thinking we're a 34B? Love you, momma.

    1. haha! 34B is actually bigger than what I thought I was, but smaller than what I actually am! Who knew??? I better tone it down in public because I am way too excited here.

      And the leaving one dish in the sink is so obnoxious, right?? Cassidy takes it in stride, basically because I mostly do the dishes, so I just come back to it when there’s more so I’m only leaving that one dish for myself, and not my spouse. Does that make it better? (probably not)

      Thanks for understanding about Penny. I got her right around Montclair so I thought of you that day. I miss her terribly. The new one is adorable but so young and floppy. I miss Penny’s sleekness and wisdom but this little girl will have her own gifts to give.

      Des looks 12! I can’t stop looking at him.

  20. What a great post, Tamara. So many things I didn’t know about you…but a few I did, such as pancakes over waffles 🙂 Oh, and your love of sundresses.

    I’m so sorry about Penny. Oh, my goodness it seems like she just arrived on the scene but we get attached immediately to these furry friends. I still miss my cat and he was taken away by a coyote 11 years ago. Ya, 11 years and I still think of him. He was super cool. There’s something you didn’t know about me. I still miss my cool cat, Duke.

    So many wonderful things in this post, Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart. Plus, the photos are amazing!
    Welcome, to your new kitten!!

    And yes, my boobs were bigger than I thought as well, when I finally had them properly measured, LOL.

    1. Thank you! I was trying to mix it up a bit. People are so interesting and it changes.
      I really appreciate you mentioning Duke. It could easily have been a coyote in this case, but it was a fisher cat. Evil rodent. I’m so sorry. Was Duke very young? Penny was amazing because she was stunningly pretty and always friendly. People who came over knew we had a cat. She didn’t hide. She came to greet everyone. Gah, I miss her. Junie is so great, though.

      And I’m really glad I got mine properly measured, because holy cow, I as off the mark.

  21. I worked at Victoria’s Secret for a while and I can tell you a whole bunch of women wear the completely wrong size. Some men too, I helped a couple of them find the right size a time or two. Perhaps I should write a post about that? Or if we are talking the Sixth Sense, perhaps you do not want me to tell you what I know, because you will be freaked out for life. Promise.

    1. Well now I need to hear more bra stories! (like people who think they’re an A cup but are actually C cups – how does that happen?)
      And yes, tell me about the Sixth Sense!

  22. Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear about Penny! That is just awful and heartbreaking. 🙁
    Requiem for a Dream did something to me, like those movies did for you. I’ve never felt so awful after watching a movie.
    I would have never imagined you were short on patience. I am a very impatient person, which makes parenting a toddler….interesting.

    1. Ugh, I get it. I only saw bits and pieces of Requiem. I was on the Rutgers Film Co-op Intern Staff and I saw that, Blair Witch Project, and Dancer in the Dark.
      That’s about when I decided I didn’t want to be a filmmaker and quit the internship not long after. Dancer in the Dark was especially awful.

  23. Oh, no! I’m so sorry to hear about Penny. But Junie looks like she’s stolen Scarlet’s heart. I’m with you on the lack of patience. I always admire the people who can handle lots of little kids with patience and grace.

    1. I couldn’t be a teacher for even.. a day. I struggle with my own kids, but luckily, I have more patience in the reserves for them.

  24. Wow Des! And that hair! But oh my, Penny. She was so precious to you. What is going on in life that the hard just keeps happening, one on top of another. :'( I’m not really a crier either, like you, it’s about frustrations or anger or Extreme sadness, but also sometimes joy and true grace.

    I love this project you’ve been doing!

  25. I am absolutely sure I am wearing the wrong bra size due to all the weight I have lost, which because the universe is scary and messed up and wtf all the fat goes from my boobs and not my ass??!!! But I had to buy other clothes too so there wasn’t enough left for new bras – just yet. But I do know to get measured properly. Not expecting any “D” surprises or anything – LOL
    Awwww…. noooooo Penny!!! I am so sorry. But, Hello new kitty!! You are too sweet and cute and I look forward to your upcoming adventures. You got a darn good family to journey along side.

    1. That’s messed up. The thing with always being slim/narrow is that you really can’t have big boobs. You can only have big boobs for your frame. So yes, I’ve been measured at a D cup, after giving birth and I didn’t believe them, because I thought D cups were as high as it goes. Yes, bless my heart. I thought that was the highest! So I went to get a second opinion, and they said the same. Anyway, to me it was huge.
      Why am I telling this story anyway?

      Yes, the new kitty is someone I’m quite fond of!

      1. I am content with my wee girls though… because they still salute the sun, instead of resting on my knees!!! BWWAAHH. There’s a silver lining in everything, right.

  26. I’m so sorry about Penny. Certainly not a replacement for one beloved friend, Junie is pretty darn cute and I’m guessing she brings joy amid your grief. Did I ever mention to you that I went through the exact same anxiety as I approached the age my dad was when he passed away? It took me awhile to make the connection but once I figured it out it made sense. Hang in there.

    1. What an awesome and thoughtful comment! I miss Penny terribly, but Junie is so refreshing and healing. I admire both the similar and the different things about her equally.

      You haven’t mentioned about your father. I am always weird about Scarlet’s birthdays and about my own, and they’re two weeks apart. In fact, tonight is Scarlet’s birthday eve. I’m wondering if I’m anxious about that or my own impending birthday. So far, it’s been minimal, though.

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