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Make My Wildest Dreams Come True

“All I ask of you
Is make my wildest dreams come true
No one sees and no one knows”

Or raise her sleeping head, All I ask of you, Is make my wildest dreams come true, No one sees and no one knows

This week has had sort of a comedown effect, after the rises and falls of last week.

And I know, I know, it’s been a week, but this own here week has risen and fallen, risen and fallen, maybe a little more steadily than shakily, which I have needed among a few restless but dreamy nights. Last week was the rise and fall of my heartbeat, with excitement and nerves, and then relief and rest. Except, I never really got the rest I needed. It’s a lot of go, go, go. I tentatively went into my Pfizer booster shot, and then into feeling all weird and achy from that, and then feeling relieved to feel back to normal 24 hours later. Then I went into the BIG pre-ultrasound anxieties, and then the ultrasound excitement and relief, and then nerves before the midwife exam that then followed. And then relief at having great blood pressure, an active baby, normal weight gain, and a great team of midwives. I like getting to meet some, and re-meet others.

Or raise her sleeping head, All I ask of you, Is make my wildest dreams come true, No one sees and no one knows

I expected last Friday to be a refreshing rest day, but it was sort of the opposite. It was a grey rest day. I just felt so spent and a little down, and couldn’t figure out why. Cassidy and I shunned some work responsibilities to take Lucy (and ourselves) to Starbucks and I think it’s important to get out of the house on sunny days, or I guess, any days. This is the DARKEST part of the year now. I’ve never felt it as clearly as I do this year. Surely, I have learned that the sunsets reach their earliest well before the solstice, and then sort of hover and plateau for awhile. Meanwhile the sunrises keep getting later. Like tomorrow we have a day that begins at 7:10am and ends at 4:18pm. Somehow there’s a fresh and dark magic to this as well. It means it can only go up. And while we may miss the days of eating on the deck and waking up to birdsong, and much more..

..there’s such a power in new heavy comforters, and snow lit by lantern-light.

Siberian Husky in the snow

The kids ask me my favorite time of year quite a bit, and it’s hard to answer, because I love and fear all times of year for different reasons. Weather and light patterns, anxieties and triggers, remembering my old anxiety and trigger patterns; the way I had to learn and unlearn and will have to learn again the healthy patterns of conversations and communications, sleep to dream to sleep again, eating and drinking and loving and working, a lot, and maneuvering our strange worlds, through a strange world. Maybe a stranger than normal world. So we get out and about, little by little. Rider gets fascinated by Des’ friend untying his shoes in our doorway, because it’s someone new and exciting! Scarlet reaches out to a new, dear, quarantined friend by FaceTime, while waiting for negative PCR results, so that playdates can resume. It’s a strange time, but we do what we do, how we do it, because that’s the only way. There’s a power and a comfort in that.

Like a heavier than normal comforter on a fresh, late-fall morning.

Or raise her sleeping head, All I ask of you, Is make my wildest dreams come true, No one sees and no one knows

When we go out in public, we relish the little things, and maybe shudder away from the more common, annoying things, like traffic and small talk and slushy streets. We talk openly about the parallel universe in which the pandemic has never happened, and it’s just been a normal two years, or has it? There are things we wouldn’t have, like appreciation for the quieter and less scheduled life, and mainly, appreciation of each other and all that we have endured and chosen to learn from. Things we have gotten over, or at least through, and what we have risen above, rather than suffered from and through. It’s strange and it’s ours now. I have always noticed every little thing, but now maybe I notice every, every little micro-second and micro-thing. It’s my way. The snow falls in different patterns on different sides of the deck. A woman gives me a free tarot reading in a little crystal store and looks surprised when I unzip my coat. She had thought it’s a baby boy, and now she sees my stomach, and thinks it’s a baby girl. Only one person knows now.

And she didn’t tell me. So I delight in the thoughts of both; neither. This baby is who this baby is.

Swimming and kicking, and maneuvering his or her way through this strange womb in this strange room, in this strange world. Yet, there’s only beauty and curiosity in the dark strange. It’s strange only because it’s new, but it’s also warm and inviting, and comforting and somewhat familiar. Unfamiliar only are the kicks and stretches, and the additions of new skills and senses and sounds and tastes. It’s a miracle, really, a never overused word to describe what truly is a miracle. His or her health and mine, the way we grow and glow, learning more about our world together. The baby’s growth is more rapid than mine, which is good, because there’s only so much I can take at once, of new information and new skills, and without the opportunity to rest from and through it. A deep and comforting blanket of darkness, not strange, but always new and changing. It’s ok to enjoy the darkness, when you see the glow emerging. To light the way.

Like waking up to the freshness of newly fallen snow, and what possibilities we have ahead.

Or raise her sleeping head, All I ask of you, Is make my wildest dreams come true, No one sees and no one knows

“Rose darling my friend
With only you and what I’ve found
We’ll wear the weary hours down”

This is my new birth mix, but before the birth this time. “Rose Darling” is song #13.

I don’t know WHAT it’s about, and I have tried to research that to no avail, but I grabbed from it the one line I love the most, and it’s a “red” name song, and Scarlet is a “red” name. We’re not looking for another red name, but I want to take some of these thoughts into labor when I go.

And, that’s really all!

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5 Comments

  1. Happy Holidays to you and yours! This is kind of a weird season. It feels a little more normal and yet it’s not really, but we keep moving and finding all kinds of good even in this weird time, right? We have to, because like my daughter said last week, “Being stuck is just boring!” I love that 🙂

    Take care

  2. Aw, I totally get it and rest never did quite happen last weekend. Got my Moderna Booster Saturday after having gone to a friend’s home for her annual Cookie Swap. And then the rest of the weekend and even this week with two different Middle School concerts in the evenings and all sorts of after school club activities for both girls, as well as working crazy hours here and I am truly exhausted today. This weekend cannot come soon enough and hoping for some quiet and rest maybe this weekend. Hugs ❤️

  3. Oh that comforter looks so well, COMFY!! I can’t even imagine what it would have been like without the pandemic, I am so happy to hear that your sweet baby is making moves already!

  4. Congratulations on the good news and results of your maternity appointment this week! You really hit the nail on the head with describing the adapting we all are having to do to cope with this pandemic (that just won’t go away). I love that you and hubs went to Starbucks for a coffee. It does feel good to get out and relax away from all the digital and responsibilities even if it’s just for a quick coffee. LOVE the snowy landscape. And your tree! Have a lovely weekend, Tamara.

  5. Kind of fun having a song that you can’t figure out, and listen to a million times trying to get it. I remember doing that with “Tempted” by Squeeze. Never quite got it, but love the song! I’m with you on the long, dark days. They are tough for me… I crave sunlight. Now I’ll be thinking about a parallel universe. Hmmmm…

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