Love is a Battlefield.

Today is the last day of preschool.

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And on my way home from the second to last day of preschool, “Love is a Battlefield” came on the radio. I was already in a world-weary state from the all-nighter I pulled back on Friday, the 16 hours of driving over the weekend, the meeting friends, the sitting through classes, and the going to an amusement park. So my world-weary state was mostly caused by the accidental all-nighter this weekend, which by the way, didn’t work for me at 18 either, so it’s not an age thing. I refuse to call it that yet.

When “Love is a Battlefield” came on the radio, I did what many others have done before me. I let out a long drawn sigh and said, “Yeaaaah. Preach it, Pat Benetar.” And what heartbreak was I even talking about? Who knows anymore, anyway?

I’m stepping on mines here, left and right. Explosions here and there. Meeting blog friends. Saying goodbye to blog friends. The second to last day of preschool. The last day of preschool. Up ahead, I see preschool graduation right next to Des’ birthday. Double detonation. Followed shortly by a big, scary job and what would have been my father’s birthday on June 15th.

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Then the battlefield smooths out into long fields and hills alive with the sound of music, with some mines alone the way. The day my father passed away, which also happens to be the day my grandfather passed away. Same. Day. Did I mention it’s the same time we celebrate ten years since I first laid eyes on their father – in an airport late at night. In NYC..because..where else?

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Then next month, Scarlet will turn five, we’ll do a lot of summer things, and I’ll turn 30 for the fourth time.

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I love summer. Have I mentioned that? When it rains, it pours. The bugs fall from the sky. So do the frogs – I saw that once in Maine. The humidity is ridiculous. I mean, just why? The landscape is strewn with mines and I never really avoid them anymore. I just walk calmly and let them explode in my face, but mostly, I’m wearing protective head and body gear anyway. And I have a lot of loved ones around me. And the sense of happiness I feel, mixed with the sense of excitement and nerves I mostly always feel in summer, make me know I’m doing something right. I hope it’s always like that. The tickles in my stomach that tell me something is maybe bigger than I thought. Or just as big and right. I don’t want to stop feeling this way, mines and all.

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Yesterday, Scarlet and Cassidy had an argument before dinner. He was about to go out to buy ingredients for our many potlucks this week and he left. She was crying the kind of crying that leaves little room for breathing. I found her in that state and I didn’t do much more than rub her back and make her a grilled cheese sandwich. She said, “I didn’t get to say goodbye.” I murmured acknowledgments and comforts, all the while knowing that the best comfort was about to walk in the front door.

And he did.

I thought for so long and so hard about how my father never did – come home. From the hospital. And I certainly never got to say goodbye. Seeing what an argument and an abrupt exit did to my four-year-old girl only sheds light on exactly how deep it runs for a four-year-old girl to lose her daddy suddenly. It makes me want to lift her tender heart higher & lighter, because we can.

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We can.

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On this week of Des turning two and Scarlet graduating preschool – the emotions run too deep to think about in the forefront of my mind. We’re two and nearly five years gone from their births. We’re two school years gone from when she entered this small and intimate school, where she wasn’t the only one cocooned in safety and warmth. I was too. This was my place. I’ve been running ragged for two months now. I’m slightly torn apart at the seams. It’s all about being two and five years gone.

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And holding on.

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When I was nearly four, my father passed away. When I was nearly five, my mom was remarrying and I was gaining a new dad, two brothers and a sister. Not to mention a new home. When I cry or feel anxious about Scarlet turning five and graduating preschool, a lot of it is my own memories of what can be lost. She is excited and most of my heart feels pure excitement for her growth and her journey. I am so damn proud of her too. She is a butterfly, ready to emerge. I am a butterfly, ready to emerge.

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Really, we all are in this crazy life of parenting.

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  1. Oy vey! I can totally sympathize! I was just telling my husband tonight that our son will be 8 months next week. It feels like yesterday that I just had him. There’s both excitement and sadness when it comes to milestones and parenting. Heck, sometimes becoming a parent brings these milestones on. Before I had Chunk, I wasn’t all that emotional. Occasionally, something would get to me, but not often. I’d have a random bout with nostalgia, but nothing like it is now. As much as I want to see Chunk grow, meet milestones, and become a man with a wife and children one day, its so precious to experience him in his infant hood and embrace it. I wouldn’t change it for the world! And yes, I agree, it really is a crazy life of parenting that we’ve thrust ourselves into.

    1. Eight months – whoa! I feel like you just had him too. Des will be two in two days and it just hasn’t hit me. I’m so glad I’m back from BlogU because as much excitement and amazement as that entailed, it was a bit of an obstacle in my way to this week, because it meant leaving Des for three days.
      And now I’m back and squeezing him!

  2. DAMN! Didn’t get here before that ‘Tenns’ up there. lol

    Beautiful as always. And oh the emotion! I am feeling so many things right now- you take us on so many levels of living in your words and through your images.

    There’s so much love in our battlefield.

    See how I did that? I turned it around. On purpose.

    Because, really? Although the highs and lows and mines that explode in our faces and bring us to the new place of birthing a new season or reflecting on the old seasons, or remembering the pain of an explosion that lingers still… well, love is what carries us through the battlefield as well. Life here on this earth? One big long battlefield. It’s love that pulls us through every mine. And ironically- the mine itself is often love as well.

    Carry on soldier.

    PS: Just finished eating the other HALF of gooey goodness my friend made and brought to my women’s group. MONKEY BREAD! I feel kinda sick now. I couldn’t stop! It was soooo damn good. Like- ‘cookie’ good. Yeah that.

    1. Chris, you kill me. Tenns beat you to it! You’re both pretty amazing considering that you’d think the first commenters would be the west coasters who are only hitting 9:00pm when my midnight post hits.
      So I appreciate your dedication. Deeply.
      I love what you did there.
      Monkey bread sounds amazing. Your late night appetite impresses the heck out of me. For me, it’s either homemade popcorn or ice cream. WITH rainbow sprinkles.

  3. Funny that, Pat Benatar is in my CD player in the car right now. I am unsure there is ever a time that Pat isn’t a good cure all to life… Milestones always make me sad because I start thinking did I do enough during the last 2, 3 (years) or whatever amount of time has just flown by and then the second guessing myself sometimes gets a little out of control. My oldest just left for her first time to go to a church youth camp for 4 days. We have never been apart that long EVER and it’s making this mama just a little crazy! This is a big old milestone for me.

    1. heh, I tend to agree. She really says it, doesn’t she?
      Whoa to youth camp! It’s funny how parenting is these little bit by bit lessons in letting go. Somehow, graduation preschool will eventually lead to college and/or her moving across the country or out of the country. This is Point A and that’s Point Z and I know there are so many points in between…
      Much love and peace to you! The four days will be quick!

  4. Happy and sad story at the same time. The excitement is probably just overwhelming and it happens right before your very eyes. Just being able to witness your family evolve is something to be thankful for. Wishing you all best to all the upcoming events you will celebrate as a family!

  5. Oh Tamara! Goosebumps and tears reading this. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my mom either. It’s all so heart wrenching. Boys have Kindergarten orientation today and we’re all still getting used to the time change from one of the most amazing trips we’ve ever had! The battlefield is raging over here too. I think this calls for another playdate. I need to hear some “baby butt” stat!

    1. You’re back!! Yay!!! I’m back to from BlogU. Whoa.
      So heart wrenching, although my mom told me I did say goodbye to my father and it was perfect but of course I didn’t KNOW I was saying goodbye…for good.
      Play date anytime!! “Baby butt” is still a staple in our house.

  6. First of all, that last photo of the butterfly is awesome. You should have it printed and sold – or however that works in the photography world. Secondly, I understand – I’ve been there. I am sooooooo ready for the school year to be finished (Friday!!!), but it is hard to believe that, after Friday, by “baby” will be a second grader. My bigger “babies” a third grader and seventh grader. At BlogU, Dana was telling me about searching out colleges for her daughter. The process starts in 10th grade apparently – three years away fro my oldest. Seriously?!?! Where does the time go. It seems like just yesterday we were sitting through preschool graduation, lamenting the endings and looking forward to new beginnings. Hugs to you!

    1. Thanks! Not sure how it works. I do sell prints occasionally, but I think I need a wider lens for butterflies. Maybe not!
      Hugs to you too at this end of the school year. Two days until our big day here but I’ve been going strong all week because of thinking about BlogU!

  7. Tamara, you spoke volumes here and can I just tell you that I yet again can relate so much to what you are saying (not losing the dad part), but so much of the rest. We have our last day of pre-school tomorrow and I too am reeling a bit. Plus adding a dog into the mix (I love her), but let’s just say my life now has become that much more crazy and complicated. Seriously, I went to bed at 10 pm last night out of pure exhaustion (physical and emotional). Wish we lived closer yet again, because I think we could use a pure vent fest and some hugs, too! 🙂

    1. Wish we lived closer for so many reasons (sharing cake and dog walks, anyone?) but this one takes the cake. The cake again!
      We’d have way too much to talk about. Endlessly.

  8. So very many emotions all at the same time. It is truly amazing that our hearts don’t truly burst! And how tough for you to have your dad’s birthday and fathers day all so close together. I lost my dad much, much later on my journey (I was 32) but I still find both father’s day and Dad’s birthday to be super hard days. So sorry that yours our together and that this year they are all confused in with all the happy stuff too! Good luck- you are one strong mama- you will thrive though these next few days. I know you will!

    1. Oh, thank you! That honestly makes me feel better to hear confidences from blogging friends. Today was the last day of school and it was rather scattered. The graduation ceremony will be more intense with more people and a ceremony!

  9. Can it be too early in the morning to have tears well up in my eyes? I’m feeling emotional about being two months away from Micah’s first birthday. It’ll mark the beginning of a series of endings…my last baby, the end of babyhood, the end of nursing (soon), you get the picture. But I guess I shouldn’t focus on that. I’ll just look forward to experiencing boy toddlerhood which already promises to be different from girl toddlerhood!

    1. Never too early, and what’s with Micah nearing one? He’s a newborn still! Sigh. I guess not.
      There might be a third for us, but it’s not in the plans. There aren’t any plans but there aren’t any plans to make any decisions permanent.
      So maybe I still dream about babies!
      Boy toddlerhood is new to us, but Des is pretty mellow. Still more destructive than Scarlet was but not by a lot. He loves cars. LOVES them.

  10. This is the second time this week that Christine hasn’t been able to get that comment in first! Maybe if her comments were shorter, like mine, she’s be able to click the “post comment” button faster! (I love reading comments from the other bloggers I know, although it feels a little bit like eavesdropping on a private conversation.)

    I was just thinking your pictures of you and your dad are so clear and so precious. My dad never got to say goodbye to his dad, either. My grandpa died of appendicitis when my dad was three years old. I think that early experience has affected my dad a lot, and still does.But, as he also writes in all his letters, so we go on.

    1. hahaha!! It’s been going on for a week or so – Chris and her commenting binges. I absolutely love it. She’s always eating some sinful food and commenting. I like that she puts the two together.
      Your comments are a good length for SURE.
      Appendicitis! Oh dear. That is so scary because it’s so unpredictable. I know how it is to be so affected but it’s true – we all go on.

    1. Pat Benetar has always been right!! Every kind of love is a battlefield. I always thought she was just talking about romantic love, but maybe I’m wrong!

  11. Funny, just yesterday I was humming along Love is battlefield while doing the dishes. Frank always says “If love is a battlefield, I found myself a war!” It’s a beautiful post filled with emotions. It will all work out in the end.

    1. Right! Love is a war, to be honest. All kinds of love.
      It gets in the head! I still have “A Face in the Crowd” in my head from Monday’s post title.

  12. You DID say good bye. You and Lindsay said “you are the best daddy in the world and we love you”. That works, babe!

  13. My eyes swelled with this post….Scarlet’s “I didn’t get to say goodbye” broke my heart for you because I saw her in you in that moment. Last day of preschool…gosh that’s a big moment. And what a cluster anniversary- the same day your father passed, your grandma passed, AND the day you locked eyes on Cassidy? Whoa..thanks for always stirring up emotions in me and making me feel so human and imperfect and ungrateful and yet okay. You’re beautiful from the inside out! PS. I had a good laugh at you turning thirty for the 4th time. lol!

    1. I’m glad that ended with.. “yet okay.” I always do feel okay after all of this. It’s a heavy week but I’m still totally trying to stay awake, alert and in tune with all of my rockstar friends.
      You’re very gorgeous, inside and out, and I hope you know that.

      And yeah.. I’m getting a little old, no?

  14. Wonderful collection of photos <3 I am sorry for your so early loss …Life isn't easy in memories sometimes..but you are strong …I love your photos and articles full of soul!!!

    1. Thank you, dear! It can be so hard but we all gain strength and there is so much beauty in the world. I love to share what’s in my heart and hope it resonates.

  15. Oh boy, so many different emotions all happening at once!! But that’s life, isn’t it? Can’t just have one experience at a time. Hope you get to spend some time in those rolling hills after conquering the battlefields.

    1. You’re right. I used to wait for it to smooth out, until I realized that it will always be something and that’s ok. It’s supposed to be that way, I guess.
      Looking forward to some rolling hills, though! There are lulls in the action and I am ever grateful for them.

  16. You got this! It’ll be a great day and you are definitely a butterfly emerging so be happy because now you get wings 🙂 What colors will they be?! It’s Wednesday and it’s a glorious day – I get to see my big brother in concert, will have to take photos with my iphone for the clarity I seek. I think the only time I’ve felt that way is when I’m with family and realize I’m the youngest and one day I’ll be the last one standing.. Jeez I’ll possibly be the oldest one of the “aunts” and siblings standing out of like 10 nieces and nephews.. that scares me although, there is a high possibility I could die at 50 from a stroke because I’m so stressed out sometimes hahaha I’m not sure where I went with this but there’s that – Enjoy the emotions, they remind you your’e alive and well. HAPPY HUMP DAY TAMARA! -Iva

    1. What colors do you think my wings would be? I’m thinking rainbow! Or just red and white, maybe. That would be nice.
      It is cold and rainy here and I’m missing our sunny weekend. However, I got through today which included a dentist appointment followed by my last preschool pickup. When it rains, it pours!
      And now? A kindergarten potluck picnic down the street.
      I can’t believe this – our first HUMP DAY after having met. I’m all emotional today.

  17. Oh goodness. My heart did that “thing” when I read about Scarlet not getting a chance to say goodbye. That hits all too close to home. Thinking about you today as you face your battles.

    1. Oh yes. I knew you’d get it.
      Today was dentist appointment/last day of preschool/kindergarten potluck. It was ok!
      Friday is the big day – Des’ second birthday and the graduation ceremony. Sob!

  18. Oops, you did it again. Have me laughing so hard at one moment and then crying the next. I think I am ok now. You brought it back around. You are amazing. This made me laugh —>”I let out a long drawn sigh and said, “Yeaaaah. Preach it, Pat Benetar.” And what heartbreak was I even talking about? Who knows anymore, anyway?” I hear ya…who knows anymore! Miss you sister.

  19. Ayyy. This post is spot on. I love how sometimes it just takes us a few laps around the sun to realize that things are more connected than we could ever dream they would be. You’re in an extra special position because you can feel what Scarlet feels so, so much. I think the only thing any of us wants is to be taken seriously, for someone to acknowledge that our pain isn’t silly, that our struggles are hard. I think kids want that just as much as adults do. That’s something you give to Scarlet every day. Because of that, it’s something that you feel so deeply. Kindergarten will be hard, but Scarlet is so full of life that I am sure it will also be good. And you’ll be there for her when it’s not. I am thinking of you during this almost June 15th time. I’m sure you don’t need to hear it from me, but in case you do, give yourself permission to be as sad as you need to be. Then also give yourself permission to be just as joyful that each day Scarlet does have another chance to say goodbye, and even better, hello again.

    1. I always take sage advice from friends. Someone else told me that – one of my mothers-in-law. She said, “Let yourself sob. Let it come.” I don’t know if I will be able to do that at the ceremony itself, though. Maybe at home but that’s Des’ birthday.
      Ack, do I need to schedule in my crying?

  20. Tamara, this is beautiful. Love is a battlefield, one that we truly never leave. You know that I love the butterfly metaphor for you and Scarlet! We always remember to say goodbye and give kisses because you never know what is going to happen. It’s important to me that my kids and my husband always know that I love them.

    1. I think I say “I love you” all the time. I think this because Des says it all the time! To shopgirls, to waitresses, to my friends. “Bye! I love you!” He said it to my dentist too.
      I’m glad..

  21. And now…. Love is a Battlefield is stuck in my head! I think that’s a good thing. We are definitely all going through our own battlefields, and I think the heat and humidity and extra traveling and extra family during the summer just intensifies it all. We’re cruising through to another year of preschool in my house so no butterflies there, but we’ve been talking more about the move/not-move thing and it’s looking like if things go well in the first 6 months or so at Matt’s new church we will probably move out there and put our house on the market. It’s still a long way off so I’m trying not to stress out about it, but there are changes on the horizon, and it IS so hard to say goodbye to our current life.

    1. I was just telling my preschool friends that I was really smug last year when Scarlet still had another year. I was like, “I don’t have to cry!” But it did feel like cruising and I’m glad to have those cruising, in between years. This one is hard, but not for Scarlet so far, so I have to keep reminding myself of that!
      You have a lot of stuff going on!

  22. Oh…that is a lot to take in emotionally. New school, aging kids, birthdays, and remembering lost ones. I feel like my kids are growing up so fast too. My six year old can now fold towels. He even folded a whole basket of towels the other day without me asking. It only took my daughter a day to get the hang of using the touchpad on my laptop. Seeing them grow makes me so happy and sometimes a little sad too. I just hope that we continue to have fun as a family as they get older. I don’t want to have to beg them to spend time with me when they are older.

    1. Wow, folding towels! That’s a big one. I do worry that this time goes by SO fast and then you’re not the parent of a small child anymore. However, the last five years of parenting have seemed pretty long to me..

  23. Good luck today. Sending strength and enough (virtual) paper to pen the last few pages of this chapter…and plenty to start the next one too. No need to use indelible ink–this moment will stick in your heart, always. But you know that already.

    1. You’re so right.
      Today was hard in terms of dentist appointments (which make me weird) and last day of preschool pickup. I nearly sobbed when I washed her Doctor Who lunchbox – for the last time?
      Friday will be a weird day. I’d like to believe it will be happy too, but this era of my life is over and preschool was a safe and happy place for me!

  24. I am imagining just how emotional for YOU it must have been to see Scarlet so upset, and then equally joyful to see her daddy come home. What a flood of feelings. In a way, it seems that seeing Scarlet at this age is helping you understand yourself and your own childhood pain in a new light. Do you think that’s true?

    1. I do think that’s true and it never really occurred to me until last year – when she neared four-years-old. It makes me understand my own pain and loss, but also my own resilience.
      She’s a little teacher and she barely knows it!

  25. Ohhhh my goodness…there was so much heavy in that post along with joy. You’re an amazing writer and I’m so happy you choose to share your experiences and perspective on life with us. I love looking out of other windows I’m not used to looking out of! And me too, so many of my feelings regarding my children come from my own experiences in life as a child.

    1. Thank you. I’m happy too to have all of you fellow writers to share this with.
      I feel like it really can’t stay inside..not for long.

  26. So much heart in that post, Tamara! (Why did I wait so long to catch up with you??) It sounds like a very emotional time with so many changes, memories, and hustle and bustle all stirred up together. Scarlet will love the step up to ‘big school’ when it comes–you guys break up for the summer so much earlier than we do in England–and for now, enjoy her pre-school graduation. It’s very low-key here, but Lucas still loves the book he was presented with.

    1. I know! I’ve missed your blog too. Spring has been weird that way. I guess we’re all out frolicking in fields of flowers. Bluebells, in your case.
      In a lot of schools, they do the whole cap and gown thing. Not here. Here, they cross over a bridge in a passing up ceremony. I’ll probably bawl.

  27. Oh she is a butterfly she is your butterfly look at how well you have done! he is going to be great and she is going to be a more grown up version of her amazing self. but for right now…its summer so its time to play!!

    1. So true! I think that’s what helps me through. It’s nearly summer. That is not a time to cry and stress. We are going to live it this summer!

  28. It is so funny that you bring this song up, NOW AT ALL TIMES!!!! I had a “fight” with… Yes… And well, I was hurting and my friend was like “love is a battlefield” and then I broke out into song. You must have subconsciously knew, LOL! And you were probably singing along with me, just in another state!!! Hmmm a little creepy???

    And you are quite possibly the cutest mother ever!!!!!!!!! So proud of your daughter. What if she is some braniac genius who can skip high school and goes on to invent the new…… oPhonePad or yApple. LMFAO – those are pieces of technology the future will bring 😉

    1. haha.. yes. It was our power ballad this week because it seems like we both needed it.
      If my daughter skips high school, I’ll be so happy! Maybe she’ll be the next Food Network Star! We watch the show with her occasionally. She’s all, “Yeah, I can crack eggs better than that guy in my sleep.”

  29. So much emotion. It’s crazy to go through these milestones and think about our own. We really are all butterflies. Sometimes I feel like we’re constantly emerging…morphing…adapting.

    1. I think we always are. And when they are, we are too – as parents and also as our own people in our own lives, of career and love and everything.

  30. The years gone….whether they are two or five or ten or forty. I imagine it’s always like that for parents. It tears us apart and makes us whole all at the same time.

  31. There’s so many emotions here. But the one that I couldn’t stop thinking about is not getting to say goodbye, mostly because I felt like it was going to happen to me once. A few years back, I had a bad reaction to a cortisone shot and my blood pressure dropped so low, the doctor called 911. I couldn’t move at all…it was like I was paralyzed. And all I could think was “I’m going to die and I’m not going to get to say goodbye.” Such a hard thought to have. Obviously it didn’t happen, but it was life changing.
    Scarlet is going to be wonderful…she is such a confident kid, the world will be at her feet. Des too! It’s the moms that have the hard time with them spreading their wings!

    1. That is so scary! So glad you’re ok with the blood pressure.
      Des and Scarlet have a nice way about them. It’s fun watching them grow up and being hopeful that things will be smoother for them than it was for me.

  32. big milestones coming up! advanced happy birthday! My policy is to celebrate the anniversaries of my 29th birthday, not my 30-something birthdays! 🙂

  33. This post was beautifully written (as all of your’s are!) – I know that feeling of letting someone walk out without saying goodbye. One day Chris left for work – I was mad about something petty and didn’t say anything. Then I remembered he was flying that day and about panicked – thankfully all was well but I let that be a lesson learned:)
    I will be thinking about you this week and weekend!! You are such a strong individual but I know that you have a very tender side, too and there will be many emotions – happy and sad!

    1. I remember my best friend getting in a fight with her mom before school in 8th grade. She spent all of lunch crying because she was afraid something would happen to her mom and she was so mean to her mom! The lunch ladies let her call her mom and it was all fine and sweet.
      I loved that story.

  34. Oh Tamara. There is so much here – timelines intersecting and emotions and mines and battlefields. I didn’t get to say goodbye either and I think that’s the part that sticks with me the most. I went to sleep and woke up and my father wasn’t there anymore. It is hard not to mix and mingle my history and feelings with my kids. And Scarlet? I have no doubt that she is going to do so well next year.

    1. I think she’ll do great. She didn’t really love the kindergarten potluck today but on further review, it was because she had to poop all night and was holding it in for some reason. Hilarious!
      On a more serious note, I’m so sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye either.

    1. Now I have the song in my head again! And it’s a good one.
      I always thought the song was about romantic love, but now I really just wonder!!

    1. Aw I appreciate that. I’m sure you can and do explain your own journeys very well! This is quite a week for me and I just had to get it out.

  35. Love all the pictures – hope you have a fun week – celebrating the preschool graduation and your son’s b-day 🙂

  36. 1. The landmines come with good stuff and bad, don’t they? Because they’re all impacts.

    2. The days I don’t get to give my girls a hug and a kiss, I drive more tensely. I don’t want that to be the day they didn’t say goodbye to dad. Silly, isn’t it? I’m more careful then. Especially if there’s been an argument. I also hope they won’t clean out my car after I’m gone and discover I’d hidden snacks from them.

    3. Yes, the butterflies. I get that.

  37. Such a potluck of emotions. And you write and describe them so beautifully. Makes me almost feel as if I am going though this. Which I don’t, because unfortunately I do not have kids and (fortunately) I was already 28 when I lost my dad. But I can relate very much to not being able to say good bye, because when it happened I was away, living in Australia – sigh – the life you choose, right?
    Pat Benatar – rocked! 🙂

    1. Yes, the life you choose!!
      I’m so sorry about your father. Being so far away. So hard. That’s why we moved back to the east coast, mainly. We didn’t want our parents to grow old with us so far away.

  38. I can’t even imagine losing my dad that young. He’s still here, and I’d be lost without him.

    Natalie would be lost without her daddy. She’s a total Daddy’s Girl. She always wants him.

    I hope you have a lovely birthday. Mine is next week. Eek.

    1. Scarlet is like that with Cassidy a lot. Lately she’s been very into me too, but it’s been like that for awhile. I wonder if it has to do with them being less around.
      You’re going to be a birthday girl! Can’t wait to hear about it!

  39. Navigating the ups and downs makes us pay attention. I know that my father’s passing reinvented how I look at sadness and happiness. Everything is temporary and evolving. I always try to remember that.

  40. Where do our babies go? They grow so fast don’t they…right before our eyes! I just wanted to capture those great small moments and put them in my back pocket 🙂

  41. I didn’t say good bye to my father either — which is weird because he didn’t die AND he most certainly needed to go. It was a good thing to have him gone. and yet…still: no closure lingers with you.
    There are mines this week — we lost 3 police officers in Canada this week and that’s a brutal reminder in my face. But, we carry on. things worth having, come with a high price.

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