Laughter to Tears: 30 Incredibly Funny (and Just Plain Incredible) Kid Quotes

You know how I am with Finish the Sentence Friday. I LOVE it and honor it and respect it and share it, but do I stick to one photo for Photo Share Friday? No. Do I ever write for only five minutes for five minute free writing posts? No. Well, sorta. I take more time to compile and fuss over SEO or lack thereof, and then I legitimately do write for five minutes. I just choose where to write that five minutes. Right now I’m choosing it right here. Then I’m going to go rogue and share the quotes that took longer than five minutes to compile. I’m ok with that. My kids induce the laughter. Today, this was my Facebook status:

“I am going to give him partial credit for using charming excuses for making sure I didn’t fly off the handle:

Des: “Mama, you won’t believe this, but something magical happened. A ghost inside of me used too much toilet paper and broke the toilet. Also, I need the plunger but we used it for the Dalek’s arms.. so.. the ghost says sorry.” HILARIOUS.

People often tell me I should write a coffee table book on the funny things my kids say. They only get funnier, to be honest. Especially with all of the recent politics and my kids’ impressions of all of the politicians who have run or won within the last several years. They get this stuff all on their own! I don’t even need to give my opinions. Now the third rule I am sort of breaking is that this post is full of bathroom talk. I’m so sick of bathroom talk. I can’t help it, though. My kids are HILARIOUS and creative and witty and wise. Some of these are the lowest of the low, but hey, I hope to get a laugh out of you. Ok, my five minutes of free writing are up! It was an introduction to some of my favorite quotes over the years that I wrote down.

1 – Des: “I farted.”
Me: (ignoring Des) “There’s a little bit more macaroni if anyone wants it.”
Des: “There’s a little bit more farts if anyone wants it.”

2 – Just the other day, Scarlet said the word “stupid” in front of her grandmother. As we tell her often, her grandmother told her that “stupid” is a bad, bad word. And Scarlet said, “Oh yeah? Well once we were driving and Mama whispered, ‘You stupid **** at another car!”

3 – So Des is concerned that I don’t do the laundry in a timely manner. And I mean.. I DON’T.. but it’s all about getting his Iron Man pajamas back. So after three days of asking me, I finally made a move and took the laundry basket downstairs. It was a hopeful move. And he saw me that morning and said, “Mama.. thanks for like.. trying to do laundry.”

Also, last week he told me he was on “Team Vagina.” I want to know what that means, but I also don’t.

4 – Then there was the time Scarlet suggested a fun fall activity for the family! “Can we go apple picking? Can we go tiara picking? Can we go dingleberry picking?” I FULLY blame my sister for the introduction of that word.

5 – Des: “I don’t want to marry ANYONE. All that dancing around. I don’t want to.”
Me: “Ok.. you don’t have to.”
Des: “I want to be like Dada. HE never married anyone!”
Me: “umm.. Des? He married ME!”
Des: “See? He took my first choice!”

6 – Sometimes the influence comes from older kids – cousins, friends and neighbors. One day, when Scarlet was about two-years-old, I was reading to her from Dr. Seuss: “Big A, little a, what beings with A?” Scarlet was very quiet for a second and then said, “ANUS!!” Cue stifled hysterical laughter and stunned disbelief. I mean..she was…correct, wasn’t she?

7 – Me: Des!”
Des: “What?”
Me: “I love you!”
Des: “WHAT?”
Me: I LOVE YOU!”
Des: “Oh. Thanks.”

8 – Scarlet used to describe certain cheeses as “a nice cheddar” or “a beautiful cheddar.” And would you know that there were differences between the two? I think a nice cheddar meant it was grated into a bowl. A beautiful cheddar may have been cut into pieces.

9 – Des, who clearly understands something out of everything, or everything out of something:
“Can you play “Break it Down Again”?”
Me: “Score! Yes.”
Des: “How long was that song?”
Me: “I don’t know. About four minutes. Most songs are four or five minutes.”
Des: “But Grateful Dead songs are 100 minutes long.”

10 – One night we were driving home pretty late and we thought Scarlet was asleep, but she piped up with, “Can you change this song? I want something more..trippy!” So, Pink Floyd it was.

11 – This is what it’s like to wake up to Des:

“Mama, when was the first day of real life?”
“Mama, when I grow up, my penis will be as big as a man’s penis.”
“Mama, I don’t want to go to Hogwarts because a Hufflepuff died there.”
“Mama, I don’t want to celebrate ALL Presidents on President’s Day. Can we skip that holiday? No Lucky Charms that day. Just bad cereal.”

Bad cereal, everyone.

12 – Cassidy once asked Scarlet if she had to go to the bathroom, and she shouted out, “No! I have to fart!” In a quiet art gallery.

13 – Des: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “You’re sorry?”
Des: “No. I said I sharted!”

14 – A tall handsome man walked by us at Starbucks. Scarlet turned on the charm and gave him a killer smile and wave. He went into the bathroom. She yelled loudly to all of the store, “That man is pooping in the potty!”

15 – Des and I had about two hours to kill so he asked me to take him to the mall for hotdog pretzel bites. We wandered around and passed Victoria’s Secret and he yelled at the top of his lungs: “It’s the underwear store! Don’t you need underwear? You need a bra. You have a little and can get one more.” Then he ran into the store, in all his cute glory, and shouted that he likes the blue bras and I should get a blue bra. And then said “I wish Nana was here.”

16 – One day her friend came over and asked her why she was only wearing a towel in the living room. She smiled sadly and said, “I just peed myself, Rhys.”

17 – I have to share this Des story, partly because he’s a smooth operator, and mostly for my own memories and records. I was in tears once, just overwhelmed by an onslaught of work and fears, exhaustion, and missing my NJ family a lot. Des told me to pick him up and then he said, “We love you.” And then he said, “All of us.” If I could eat him, I would.

18 – During Des’ first week of life, Scarlet did a weird dance in front of his carseat and then said, “I’m Scarlet Bella Bowman. I’m your weird sister!”

19 – So we got Des a Captain America nerf shield blaster thing and he’s under strict orders not to shoot people, especially his little cousins. So all day he said he’d only shoot “Nosies.” Finally I figured out he meant “Nazis.” Always shoot Nazis. This is what happens when your dad loves Indiana Jones movies.

20 – Scarlet, also during Des’ first week of life:

“Des is trying to nurse on me and my nipples don’t work for him.”

“Mama, remember when Desmond’s umbilical cord fell off and you were so happy? I think his penis fell off too.”

“Did his “pagina” fall off? He has squishy balls!”

“Mama, you have a beautiful smile. Dada, can you buy milk to put into your nipples to feed Baby Desmond?”

21 – Des, who maybe knows I’ve been unreasonably (and unseasonably) down and hard on myself for the past week or so:

“MAMA, I LOVE YOU! AND I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD DIARRHEA ONCE.”

22 – Scarlet used to call ankles “foot wrists” and thought we were dumb for not knowing that. One day she started talking about “booty dots.” We asked her what that meant and she looked at us like we were slow and said, “Booty dot! It’s the hole in your butt!” (makes perfect sense to me)

23 – Me to Des: “I. Love. Your. Face.”
Des to Me: “I. Love. Your. Butt.”

Me to Des: “You have a beautiful face.”
Des to Me: “YOU have a beautiful face, Fartbutt.”

24 – Scarlet used to call the crusts of a sandwich “crotch.” I thought it was so funny not to tell her the truth, until she was at a friend’s house getting a sandwich and she said to her friend’s mom, “Can you cut my crotch off?” (still haven’t lived that one down)

25 – After three days of potty training:

Des: “I want a new wenis. A nighttime wenis!”

26 – Scarlet asked her best friend what would happen if there was a President who wouldn’t let them get married. When I interrupted to say they’d always be protected in MA, she said, “Oh good. We can live in your old house.”

27 – This is why I shouldn’t have kids. At preschool pickup:

Me: (makes fart joke)
Des: looks around in shock “Mama! No bathroom words at school!”

We leave the preschool.
Des: “PENIS.”

28 – Them: “What’s in your salad?”
Me: “Kale!”
Them: “I love kale!”
Me: “Have some!”
Des: “Well I only like Miriam’s kale.”
Scarlet: “Well I only like fresh picked kale.”

29 – Des, walking by me in a plastic fireman hat (backwards), and muttering under his breath: “Is it stop, drop & roll, or stop, drop & fart?”

30 – I sincerely hope that Scarlet joins the debate team or runs for politics one day. Des said something untrue just to rile her up and she smiled calmly, put on her sweetest voice, and said: “Oh, Des. You are SO cute and SO incredibly wrong. So sorry. Next?”

*The kids had been bickering (since 3pm) and I heard Des say to Scarlet, “I fart in your general direction.” So I’m glad my parenting dreams and/or inevitabilities have come true.

*If you need a laugh, because who doesn’t on a Monday, Des once used the bathroom and then yelled out, “I’ve seen that poop before. It’s a good one.”

This is me linking up, as one of my favorite things to do, with Finish The Sentence Friday. This week’s topic is “Laughter..” (5 minute free writing) And there’s still time to write yours. Come link up with your spin: HERE.