Laugh and Laughing, Fall Apart

I had words already in my head because Google couldn’t find what I was getting at, which was something to the effect of, “We laughed and laughed until we broke apart.” Although Google knew, “Ashes to ashes, we all fall down.” I was in a hodge podge of made up poetry, Phish, Grateful Dead, and nursery rhymes. Cassidy helped me figure it out. Phish lyrics make about as much sense to me as my own writing. It’s part nonsense, part dreams, part grief, some dazzling inspiration, vivid stories, part poetry, nursery rhymes, and made up, broken, dreams and stories.

I fell asleep around 8pm while doing work on my laptop. I have no recollection of the kids going to bed, which is my worst parenting task ever. Luckily, Cassidy is good at bedtime and I’ll get good at it again – in my own broken nursery rhyme ways. He’ll take the older two, and consistency and routine. I’ll be singing broken dreams and bits and pieces of nursery rhymes and 2:00am lyrics to the baby who will probably be on my weird schedule. Like tonight, I fell asleep with a laptop on my lap, and awoke to a pregnancy-induced Charley Horse. The dog whined to go out, a spider crawled across my nightgown, and definitely, a cow jumped over the moon. Or a space goat, which my kids always claim to hear on clear nights on the deck. I haven’t ventured out there on these crisp nights myself yet. Laugh and laughing, they burst back in.

Sometimes, you just have to laugh. Many things make me laugh, like fart jokes and the show Superstore, which I sometimes put on at night, to soothe my pregnancy heart. The physical things are ridiculous, beyond Charley Horse pain and nightgown spiders. When I can’t sleep, because the heartburn I only have during this time, collides with the heartache I have above and beyond this time, I have to laugh. Maybe with Superstore, or at the same Hallmark movies that soothe my aching limbs and aching heart. They laugh at themselves too. I laugh at myself. Laugh and laughing, fall apart, but make it a good one. I love those laughs that turn to cries, or those cries that turn to laughs, as if there’s really no difference between the two anyway. Laugh and cry, clench and unclench, settle in to soothe those aching limbs and those aching hearts.

Try again with sleep, and then wake up to a procrastinating sun. on another perfect day. The brilliance dulls and softens all the reasons you have to laugh because otherwise you’ll cry. The dog has a yeast infection of the ear, the kids have screen time-induced headaches and growing exhaustion, and we have 17 full time jobs. Managing the home renovation is a full time job for Cassidy, while gestating a human is a full time job for me. Being a parent is a full time job, and managing remote learning is yet another. Managing four pets is a full time job, and between the two of us, we have two full time paying jobs, and I have a fun part-time job too. You just have to laugh when everything goes wrong, because it does and will. Laugh and laughing, fall apart.

Laugh and laughing, we also put ourselves together again. One red house shingle, baby kick and hiccup, and dog antibiotic ear drop at a time. We keep building, and we keep hoping. This house, coming together alarmingly rapidly, will shelter the hopes and dreams and antibiotics and screen time induced headaches of everyone in it. It can’t keep everyone safe; not always. There will be thunderstorms and tornado warnings; leaks and gaping holes. As we still dream.

When all you can do IS laugh, because it’s oxygen to the lungs, and oxygen to the soul. When all you can do is laugh, be thankful that you always can find a reason to laugh, and close your eyes.

I’m linking up with Finish The Sentence Friday (FTSF) for a new prompt. This week’s topic is “What are you smiling (laughing) at? (photo prompt).” You can link up your own post HERE.