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Kinda The Mother Of Anxiety Dreams.

36-37 weeks pregnant.

I’m remembering how this felt, at this exact point, almost exactly three years ago. I would have expected it to be vastly different because I’ve done it once before but either the memories are so strong I’m now remembering things I may have forgotten years ago, or I’m feeling it again. That total…glee at the thought that soon I’ll have a baby. Holy crap. How do you ever wrap your head around that? It’s the most physically, emotionally and mentally intriguing thought I can have. I’ll never be the same. And it will hurt. In so many ways. And even better, I invited all of that chaos into my life and I welcome it.

Then there’s the utter terror – last time in the complete unknown. This time in the incomplete unknown – I know about physical discomfort and sleeplessness and vulnerable, terrifying, life-altering love. It still won’t be the same. I don’t know when it will start, how long it will go on for, who he will be at the long end of that scary and exciting tunnel. And that’s just before and during labor! The bigger unknown and the longer journey is after. Didn’t even think it last time, until it came.

It makes me quote Ransom Riggs in “Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children”:

“I had just come to accept that my life would be ordinary when extraordinary things begin to happen. The first of these came as a terrible shock and, like anything that changes you forever, split my life into halves: Before and After.”

Ah, love that. Especially when it happens to you several times over.

So the other night I kinda had the mother of anxiety dreams. I think it just touched upon so many thoughts at once! In the dream, Cassidy and I had to go back to school. A new school. High school! That morning he was messing around and made us both late. I was so angry. For some reason we had to take different buses and he missed his and made me miss my bus. I sadly watched it fly by without me. So I had to ask my dad to drive me to school. In the car I put together my lunch. It was a fast food burger and fries and I got mustard and ketchup everywhere. It was all over my hands and my books and my backpack. My dad had a wall clock with hands in his car and it was moving rapidly, making us later and later. Scarlet was in the car and she was going to be going to a new daycare in my school. I was so nervous because I was already late and then I had to both find my way around a new school full of lockers and classrooms and corridors, and I also had to have an emotional daycare drop-off at a completely new place neither of us had been. Cue the tears. So then I started deeply crying at letting my little girl go somewhere new and feeling completely unprepared and like the biggest hot mess on earth.

Then I woke up and couldn’t shake that “Hot Mess Feeling” for hours. For days, really. I hope I do soon. If ever?

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