|

I’ve Been Loving You With a Little Help

“I’ve been loving, been loving, you
With a little help, from, the meds
With a little help from some, sympathetic souls
Embraced in a tender loving hold and it’s got me on this road
I’ve been straight-ahead, out the bed
Straight up and down off the ground
With a little help from some, sympathetic souls
Embraced with a loving tender hold”

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I’m at a point in my life in which I can’t listen to sad love songs.

It’s a very uncomfortable position to be in, with no obvious reasons for it. It’s just what it is. There was a time in which I found sad love songs indulgent because I had a broken heart. There was a time in which I found sad love songs indulgent because I did not. I made a handwritten list of the saddest love songs I could think of, or really the saddest songs in general (didn’t have to be about love) and I listened to them at full blast all the way there on a solo trip to Maine. And then on the way back, by way of New York City. The saddest song I can think of is Ghost by Indigo Girls. So of course this means that I turn it off when it comes on at least every other day, if not every day, on my Pandora playlist. It’s my uncomfortable position to be in. I don’t have a broken heart right now.

Yet, I don’t not have a broken heart. Puzzle me this.

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

It’s all the little heartbreaks in a single day. All the songs on the radio; the birdsongs throughout the morning. A crestfallen face, a squirrel taking its last breath or two. It’s lost time and missed opportunities. It’s when you get a second chance, or third chance or fourth chance, and yet, your hands are still tied. You still make the same mistakes, or maybe they’re not mistakes. It’s like how I’m not actively having panic attacks and when I need to do big things, I do big things. Other times I hide away at home with my sinus and my stress headaches, and doing my therapy on Zoom because the before and after EMDR makes it too difficult to drive. It’s a little discomfort. I can do big things or hide away. I often feel like I’m falling without a safety net. Other times I think it’s there. I know it’s there. Maybe it’s invisible, or the kind of net that shoots out at the last minute.

It’s like Spider-Man’s web.

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

And it’s just a little discomfort; sometimes a lot. Sometimes I’m a little numb and sometimes I’m not numb enough. Maybe it’s the lack of meds, or maybe it’s too much. It’s been a weird week, as they all are, but this one had death. It also had life because we celebrated Des’ 12th birthday! I really hate the start of summer, and I also really love the start of summer. It does a number on your head. It becomes unbearable sometimes, right before and right after. I like how the fuzziness and haziness and craziness gives way to some new sleepy and humid routine. I do like that. Before that is so nutty with the endless activities and celebrations, all to distract you from time passing through your hands. It’s the way that graduations and endings and beginnings maybe make you think of your own. In good ways, like, “Yay! I did all that and I never have to do it again and I’m self-employed and people pay me a lot.” And there’s also a hint of, “What have I become? What would the old me think about this? Is it enough? Am I enough?” It’s absolutely insane now.

The things we maneuver and overcome; then re-maneuver and overcome. New info we’re given.

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

This week, Rose killed a beautiful butterfly, and Athena killed a fat squirrel. I was powerful enough to let those things happen, and yet powerless enough to stop them. They broke me. Des turned 12 this week and I panicked. Will he always want to spend his birthday with me? Probably not. How long do I have of this? This week in therapy, I said enough right things for her to nod empathetically and sometimes say, “Exactly.” I thought about problems we have. How if you do the real work, you can fix some things. If you are working to repair a friendship or relationship, you both do the work. You patch the wounds. If only one of you does the hard work, you may eventually outgrow the friendship or relationship. Maybe it isn’t eventual. Maybe we don’t know.

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

The big news this week is that Sawyer started to walk, a week ago today. He had his PT session with his normal therapist, and her supervisor came as well. I was distracted, but within ten minutes of the session, he started walking. Rider proudly led the parade, and then patiently waited for his brother. After the second go-around or so, he figured it out. Really figured it out. “I’m walking!” He said. I was distracted with the camera and with trying to send my videos to Cassidy, who was going through his own private hell this week with loss. It wasn’t until the therapists were leaving and asked if they could give me a hug. “Congrats on your new walker!” That’s when I figured it out. Really figured it out. Something significant had taken place, indeed.

This video moves!



The things we maneuver and overcome; then re-maneuver and overcome. New info we’re given. New info we take. It’s sad songs and birdsong. Birthdays and end-of-year celebrations. The way it makes you think about who you wanted to become, who you’ve become, and who you are still becoming. Never stopping, always stringing along the pieces along the way, of sad songs and missed songs. Silent birds and silent squirrels. The passing of the wind across your path, and with it, the possibility. Of all you’ll overcome and become. In a single sad and silent day, or crazy and overwhelming week. The births, the deaths, and the single steps. Maybe there’s a reason for the madness, and maybe there isn’t a reason. And it’s ok. The wonder is in you. The wonder IS you.

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

I've been loving, been loving, you, With a little help, from, the meds, With a little help from some, sympathetic souls, Embraced in a..

“I’d rather feel nothing than this
Wanted to stop feeling
Oh we’ve all had that wish
At the edges, at the margins
This feeling starts creeping in
Gets worse and worse, more and more
But my dull eyes have brightened,
oh they’re brighter”

Similar Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.