UPDATE TIME! AND I WILL ELABORATE BELOW IN BOLD. Some of you were right and most weren’t exactly right. The TRUE stories are #1, #2, and #5. #3 and #4 were false.
And I’ve been wanting to write this one for awhile. I have some doozies in my memory banks.
It’s been quite the week or two. I’ve had big jobs and nerve-wracking appointments. I’ve had whiny kids too. I needed to post something funny. I needed to post something that I didn’t have to upload 100 photos for. I needed to post something that will show you that I’m meant to be a photographer/writer, and not much else. And I’m hoping these stories won’t change your opinion of me. As you know, some of them are true. All I can say is..youth. It will really bring out the youth-iness in you.
And you may like it.
The second man (above) too, for that matter. All of these photos bring me back to a simpler time in life. A time in which I was trying many jobs out – some to gain experience and most to gain money, or to combat boredom. Or to finally move out of my parent’s attic. Or something! So I have compiled for you, a collection of five “fantastic” job stories that happened to me.
Three are true as can be. Two are false. Can you guess which ones are true and which are lies?
1. Did you know I used to deliver pizza in college? Well, I used to deliver pizza in college. Honestly, it deserves its own post, in the least. It deserves its own chapter in my autobiography, I’m sure! I delivered for a local place one summer and for Domino’s the next summer. This happened during my first summer – a summer of no uniforms. It was a dark and stormy night (no, really) and I had a delivery out to a remote farm in the darkness. I was a little apprehensive and I was checking the address for any special directions but couldn’t find any. When I got to the farm, I figured I was in the right place because there was no one else for miles. No one else to hear me scream. No lights on. No sign of life. Nothing. I went to the first door I saw and the door was boarded up. (shouldn’t I have left by then??) So I went around to what looked like a front porch and I made the tiniest sound by stepping on a twig. HOLY CRAP! Instantly I was thrown backwards and pinned to the ground by not one, not two, not three, but four German Shepherds. One even took my arm in his mouth but he didn’t bite down. Suddenly lights flooded the front porch and a man came out, called off his dogs, and helped me up. He felt horrible, I could tell. He thought I would be later so he hadn’t turned on any outside lights – I guess my timeliness didn’t always pay off with pizza! I had bruises from the impact for weeks.
TOTALLY TRUE! AND IT WAS PAINFUL. THE BRUISES WERE UGLY. I’M JUST GLAD NO DOGS BIT ME.
2. Out in California, I went to a staffing agent because I was desperately seeking work. She set me up at a training institute for life coaches in the foothills past the Golden Gate Bridge. People could bring their dogs to work and we used to have a group therapy/meditation session weekly, in lieu of..you know…staff meetings and all. I was in Operations with a girl who had been there for five years and hated it. I used to pretend I smoked so we could go out on the roof and look at the mountains in those 110 degree days. After I realized that everyone there was totally bat-sh** crazy, I gave my notice. The next day, my friend gave hers. Things got UGLY fast and it became almost an abusive working environment with everyone always down our throats for everything we did. So one day, without warning, I turned to my friend and put my finger to my lips. Then I quietly put all of my belongings in a paper bag. This company was obsessed with cleanliness so I put an already near-rotten banana deep within a desk drawer. Then I said I was going on lunch, waved goodbye to everyone, and walked out to my car – laughing and near crying maniacally. You probably already figured out that I never went back. They even mailed me my last paycheck a week later.
100% TRUE. I ALWAYS DO WONDER HOW LONG IT TOOK THEM TO FIND THE BANANA!
3. Before the lifecoach training institute job, (which sounds really funny when you say it) I worked a corporate job in New Jersey for four years. I was in software and hardware. After I left, I moved to California but I still had so many family, friends and co-worker ties to New Jersey. I decided to have my bachelorette party/bridal shower in New Jersey one frigid winter’s weekend. We started with dinner/dessert at The Melting Pot, where my sister presented me with..penis everything. (sorry if I offend) Penis straws, balloons, necklaces, you name it. The after party was at an 80’s dance club where I had to wear a tiara and a penis necklace. Then we went to a friend’s house for the after, after party. One of my bridesmaids had become a manager at my old workplace and someone (me!!) had the bright idea to “break in” to the office with her key and have the rest of our party there. At 3:00 am. Well that was a blast and a half! We tried to clean up as best as we could, but a few penis balloons may have been found early that Monday morning by the first people into the office. Oops! What better thing to find on a cold Monday..?
FALSE! THE PARTY REALLY HAPPENED AS I SAID, BUT WE DIDN’T BREAK INTO MY OLD OFFICE! WE STAYED AT MY FRIEND’S HOUSE FOR THE AFTER, AFTER PARTY.
4. I used to work as a school photographer, way back when. I was “promoted” to class photographer and I had to lug around about 300 pounds of equipment for 5:00 am call times – a medium format camera, lighting, light meters, and the dreaded risers that the kids would stand on. One morning, a little kid couldn’t take it I suppose, and puked on my risers! There was no janitor to be found and I was so horrified and phobic, so I bribed my ever-hungry co-worker that if he cleaned it up, I would buy him lunch anywhere he wanted! He said, “Heck yeah!” I still remember him bringing the risers outside and hosing them off on the blacktop. Luckily he went easy on me and chose a diner for his lunch, but I could swear I still smelled it for a week after that!
FALSE! I REALLY DID HAVE THIS JOB AND I HAD HEARD OF THINGS LIKE THIS HAPPENING, BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN TO ME. I’M SURE A JANITOR WOULD HAVE BEEN AROUND!
5. In San Francisco, I had one job that I loved – I was an Innkeeper of an urban B&B. Isn’t that sexy? We were a special sort of place with high amenities and low rates and we were near two major hospitals so we had a lot of repeat guests who were visiting or undergoing treatments. I had a favorite family. One night I was in the office eating one of our prized quiches for dinner. I was standing in the office when I heard a noise like a freight train. Then the plate I was holding started shaking uncontrollably. I thought I was shaking uncontrollably! I ran into the kitchen where everything was falling and clinking around. I guess I was supposed to be some sort of hero, right? Wrong. It was my first earthquake! I think? All I know is that when my favorite family came into the kitchen to check on me, I ran right into the mother’s arms and stayed there for five minutes.
And they were from the Midwest – and probably as bewildered by an earthquake as I was!
TOTALLY TRUE! EVERY WORD OF IT. AND IT WAS SCARY.
Now tell me, which three are true and which two are false? Check back here over the weekend and I’ll update!!