It’s a Flood or It’s a Drought.
I think, but I’m not positive, but I think…I nursed for the last time yesterday. Probably forever.
It wasn’t much of a session, so considering Desmond’s ear infection and need for cuddles and ear-soothing jaw movements, that definitely told me something. “It’s over.” What’s funny is that I was going to write a flood vs. drought post today anyway because it’s been on my mind. And of course it brought forth the memories of the flood of milk Des needed in the beginning and just how exhausted I was and looking forward to this day. And now that it’s here, I feel..I don’t know. Relieved? Excited? (to eat & drink whatever I want, which I pretty much do anyway) And to think of all the prescription drugs I can now take! (which I pretty much never do anyway). Now begins the drought. The permanent drought. With Scarlet too, I didn’t know the last time was the last time.
Maybe I feel a lot. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s the good/bad mix of everything, just like how life and love and parenting are.
I miss the closeness, sure, but it was pretty much gone anyway in that department. It’s been replaced by recognition of words and songs, slow speaking, and his unique evolution of mobility. Hugs when he’s standing and I’m kneeling. The way he lets me cuddle him in a towel and hold him like a newborn after every bath. The way he calls me “Dada” when I’m looking for “Mama” and then smiles and calls out “Mama” when I’ve already given up and walked away. That’s the way it is with Des. It’s always when I’m at my wit’s end with something he’s doing or not doing, and then he changes the rules just in the nick of time. He reverses the behavior. He learns something new and BIG. Then we sail in a sea of bliss and consistency and new party tricks until the next challenge presents itself:
I have flood moments and I have drought moments. It can be flood days and drought days, flood weeks and drought weeks, as well as even flood months and drought months in extreme circumstances. In a flood everything touches me. Deeply. The music on the radio. Every hair on Scarlet’s head. Dogs, kittens and horses – the intricate work of a spiderweb or even a (shudder) hornet’s nest, so beautiful and fine and all of that hard work smashed in an instant. Maybe you get the point. I’ll feel emotions like overflowing rain.
I generally write my best stuff then. It’s great when it lasts a week and I’m brimming with blog posts. I line them up for launch.
Then during a drought minute or hour or day or week (or month), it’s just less so. I wouldn’t call it numb but maybe I’d call it distracted. Restless. Pulling too hard only to get pushed back. Misconnecting and disconnecting. Giving up only to try again later. Listening to the radio and hoping to feel something deep, but the overlying feeling is tired. Nothing will change until the flood comes back. And it always does. Usually when I least expect it. And I’ll laugh at my own jokes. I’ll Facebook and tweet in rapid-fire motion. I’ll blast music and head bang in the car. When people are looking. I’ll line up four blog posts for the next week or so. I’ll edit photos..
..from the last week or so:
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It’s not special formula. It’s not magic..mostly. We all feel it – the floods of inspiration and the droughts of stagnation. As with the weather and the deserts and these fragile New England gardens (so under attack by the elements and the animals), it always comes back around. Sometimes too much and sometimes too little. The only thing you can count on is the change. You will not be let down.
I’ll always miss some things about you, my little friend. Things that we’ve lost. I’ll always gain some things about you too.
The only thing you can truly count on is the tides of change. You will not be let down.
The thing is, Tamara, when you're as perceptive as you are, and share it all and photograph it all, you don't really lose it at all.For you, it's captured. I know how you feel about the floods and droughts, in fatherhood and in writing. I revel in the floods of both, and in those fatherhood droughts, when it feels I can do no right, I remember the floods and try to get back to that place.Beautiful post.
Beautiful comment. Man, that about made my day. My week! And you know I needed it with ear infections and other troubles.Thank you.
I think that is the way it always goes.. the ebb and flow of life. What is awesome though, is that you recognize those flood moments and use them to your advantage!
I really try! It's like I have to suck all the marrow out of them before they go away. I think the default is probably somewhere in the middle.
I love, love, love how you used those photos to go with your story! Great writing. You always make me think. lol
Oh, thank you! One day I just realized I wanted to do both – words and pictures. It's hard sometimes to have them align just right. It's very fun, though.
I definitely have periods of flood and drought, too. Especially with m writing and inspiration. Sometimes I feel like I am reaching for ideas and words and then other times I feel everything just floats in front of me, under my feet, all around me. It is so easy to see. The ebb and flow of life, really.
What a wonderful description how everything just floats in front of us, under us, all around us sometimes. It's like you don't even have to reach out far – it's all there for the taking. And other times, exact opposite. I wonder if other people can tell when I'm in a drought. I'd say probably.
I without a doubt have periods of flood and drought, too. Even more so with my writing and inspiration and creativity. There are times I just want to close everything out and ignore it all, and then there are times that the ideas and thoughts are just pouring in.As for life and growing, this is why I am so addicted to photography. Though the kids will grow and change, this allows me to capture that moment, right now, and freeze it forever.
And you are so gifted at it. All of it!
I remember with my 2nd one how it felt to stop the breastfeeding. Totally bittersweet. Such a sweet boy you have. :)-Ashley
Yes, it's kinda the pits! He's the last. I told my husband we may need another one now and he looked at me and laughed. He's right. This is probably it!
You always manage to make us think!! Changes in life can be so exciting, and so bittersweet at the same time, can't it?
Always. A little give and a little take.
My husband has always compared me to the ocean. Beautiful, soothing, unpredictable, ever-changing. I think it's his sweet way of calling me moody but lovable. :)Life is all about ebb and flow, feast or famine, flood or drought. I feel so lucky in this whole big universe of people and blogs on the internet – because I found you.
I feel it too. Every day more and more.
I can completely relate to the feeling of floods and droughts and nothing in between for me most times! This is really beautifully written and you are also very talented with the camera! So glad I followed you over from Ilene's blog!
I'm happy too! I've seen you around (in the virtual world) and I always wanted to introduce myself. Glad Ilene helped with that!
I completely understand… right now we have a lot more droughts, but hopefully there will be floods soon. Those pictures are adorable.
Thank you for visiting. Sometimes they really do come in clusters.
those two are so stinkin' cute :)i'm impressed you were able to nurse so long! i had a really hard time and gave up after 2 months. i wish i hadn't – i've heard it gets easier after 3 months, and i just couldn't make it to that mark! you're lucky that the end of nursing coincides with the beginning of so much other exciting stuff with your little pal – i'll take hugs and "mamas" (or even "dadas") over nursing any day 🙂
Yes, it does get so much easier. Just getting over that hump is so hard. And then it's smooth. It's funny because 12 months is a worthy goal. When I tell people who don't live in western MA that I did it for 15 1/2 months with Scarlet, they're in shock by how long I nursed. When I tell people here how long I nursed either of the kids, they're in shock that I didn't last longer like they did. I can't win! It's all good! Feeding babies something…that about does it.
I don't think we lose any of it. We just keep gaining. It all stays with us. In our hearts. I am a flood/drought person too. Sometimes, in rapid fire, and sometimes in slow motion. I get that 100%.
Isn't that the best part? We can't lose parts of ourselves. I once had a five year drought. Yeesh. So glad it wasn't lost forever.
That picture of him in the duck is beyond cute!
Well hey, I've had ducks twice this week. Thought of you!
Love the shot with the teething drool dripping down 🙂 So sweet… I'm far enough away from that age to be able to remember it fondly!!
Oh he never stops! It's so gross! He's always slick with drool. I hope he outgrows it by college. My daughter never drooled. She was such a dainty princess in comparison. He always stands at the toilet! Although she did love to unravel whole rolls of toilet paper..
I'm in a definite drought with writing. I feel so much but I'm having a hard time getting it out. As for nursing – we're still going strong here. But I feel the end coming, and I'm not sure how I like that. 🙂
You said so – and I still love your posts so much. I think that even though it's not coming out as easily, you're still getting from Point A to Point B. And Point B is showing talented writing! Hope it gets more floody for you.
The floods and the droughts get me too. But change is always constant. I just try to sit back and enjoy the ride as much as I can.
That's a great way to look at it.
Oh I feel it. I am nursing a 3 month old and sometimes you just feel like a giant dispenser. Love your pictures of your cute guy and beautiful princess.http://www.practicallyperfectprincess.com/
It's so weird being on this side of it now. I question if I should have gone longer or not? Really, he made the choice.
I think we all experience these moments of floods and droughts. I for one get in a flow very often and I love it! Its' my me time and sometimes I overwhelm myself with all the thoughts. Slow down, lol!
haha, you do seem like you're always flowing. So well! You have an abundance of good ideas!
I so get this flood and drought. I've never thought of it this way before but yes, I go through it exactly as you say. And with all of the change that never seems to stop, especially in this small children season, knowing that there will be flood and there will be drought and then there will be flood again is oddly comforting.
Yeah, I always try to remember it. It comes back around.
I am just like you. Sometimes I have these periods when things always come flooding through my mind and other times…NOTHING. It's so frustrating at times! My daughter had this little duckie thing when she was younger!
Very frustrating but it looks like we all go through it!The duck rocks! It was my daughter's and we just found it in the basement and simply had to use it.
I love how you wrote this post…and the pics! OMG…so gorgeous. I had to stop BF after two months…well actually I was just pumping. It was hard to get rid of the guilt for a long time.
Yeah it seems like no matter when you stop, it's difficult. Even after 12 months I'm still questioning going longer! So many articles say they still need it. I don't know, though. If they eat well, they're getting their vitamins.
Okay, so for the record, you're an amazing photographer. Just had to put that out there. lol. Great piece! I was a little sad when my twins stopped breastfeeding. It was the end of an era seeing as how I'd never do it again. I didn't think I'd be so emotional about it but I was. It's funny the things no one ever tells you about motherhood. New friend visiting from SITS 🙂
Well thank you so much for putting that out there! Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's my last baby. So everything is a bit weird this time. I suppose it comes with the territory!
Wow! I LOVE it floods vs. droughts. As a parent it feels good to know that you're not alone, at certain stages of your children's growth/transitions. You've just validated my own feelings towards my littlest Gal growing up. All I can say about Des is, "those eyes!" They are a heart snatcher!
haha, yes! He is a heart snatcher. It's funny how it feels to watch the younger ones grow up. In some ways I want to fast forward it only because I KNOW what 's in store for him by having gone through it already. On the other hand, I want time to slow down. He's still a baby..so far.
LOVE your photography!! Thanks so much for stopping in earlier, I look forward to linking up on Friday!
Thank you! And I'm so glad you'll be linking up. It's been so much fun.
So true, and that last picture is so sweet 🙂
Yeah, she loves her brother! Ah, they're the best together.
Yoir pictures are amazing and ur children are beautiful. Stopping by from #SITSsharefest
Thank you so much! I'm so glad you visited. I'm going to spend a lot of tomorrow reading each link.
I really love this post Tamara. The flood and the drought – I definitely know what you mean. Right now, I feel like I'm on the cusp between the two and I can't tell which way it will go. My youngest sounds very much the same way – he does everything to push my buttons and then it's at the very last minute that he switches his tune just in the nick of time. But your photos? Stunning.
we had that same ducky!! My first son had it, then somehow it got a hole—anywho! I just adore the pictures of des with the straw! 🙂 He is loving it! The floods vs. droughts thing is so real too!
Those beautiful brown eyes! I love the way you cherish your children; it comes out in the look in their eyes in the photographs.
I sort of waver lately – mostly flood with all the "stuff" going on in my head. Thank you for saying that about my photos!
Best duck ever! Would you know it took me nearly a year to discover that it quacks? My friend got one for her son after being inspired by us and she told me all about that.
Excellent analogy. Floods and droughts, and the balance. When I feel like I can't give my kids enough, and then they just run up and hug me for no particular reason, then I think, maybe I'm doing okay. The bad feelings will subside again one day, and the rest will come rushing back.