Much hope for anything
If I won’t be there
To catch you if you fall
Again (again we fail)
It seems we meet (to meet and mend)
In the spaces (spaces safe)
In between (in between intent)
We always say (always say too much)
It won’t be long (long been gone)
Oh, but something’s always wrong”
“I was hiding in the bathroom.. as one does with four million kids and dogs on a snowday.. until I heard Rider yelling that he had pooped in the potty. Des was freaked out because Sawyer was climbing up the stairs to find me. The puppies were shrieking to go out. I wanted to say, “FFS! WHAT IS MY LIFE?!”
Until it hit me. Rider is fully potty trained. Sawyer is doing so well in PT that he was CLIMBING. The puppies were barking to go out because all of this incessant house breaking them is working. Perspective.”
And it is. Something’s always wrong, like my stomach aching from stress, all the shouting I did that day (although not really AT anyone; just in general), the work I had to do with kids home, the puppies and their hijinks, the fact that I’m redesigning this here blog (stick around to see what comes next because it’s exciting) and that during the time it was migrating to a new host, I lost everything I had done the previous day (Tuesday). A huge thank you to the Blog Gods who made sure that didn’t happen to me on a Friday. Losing a post like this would break my heart.
Something’s always wrong, sure, but something’s always right here. I make sure of it. The blog incident happened during the four nights that Cassidy was away, and I found out at 3:00am after Leela had to go out, while Rose preferred to snuggle in bed with me. I sneaked a peek at my email and saw about 4-5 emails from clients I had done work for, and yet the work hadn’t actually worked. Blog posts led to 404 errors, and link insertions disappeared like ghosts. The stress I had at 3:00am kept me up in time to fix what was broken, and then I had all sorts of anxiety dreams about my blog and its redesign and it was haunting and weird and unsettling.
I woke up to a new day, a snowy day, and a new perspective. My web developer/designer called me that morning and we talked things out. I felt like I was in good hands again. And whenever something is always wrong, something else is always right. I think there’s a ratio, maybe. The right things overwhelmingly overcome the wrong things. At least that’s what I tell myself now.
It was a three day week, on a week in which I really could have used five days of solitude. To pack, read magazines, take baths, catch up on Christmas movies on the DVR, and of course, work. Two weekends ago, we potty trained Rider. The stress involved in potty training a toddler and housebreaking two puppies was too much to bear. I wanted so out of this house, and it was hard to connect with Cassidy, and really anyone here, in the several days leading up to his work trip to Chicago. We were all like passing ships in the night. It was wrong, but the love letters we left each other, was right. I finally started EMDR this week, after weeks of leading up to starting.
Sawyer kneel-walked across the floor, started cruising, and started climbing the stairs as well. He had PT later this afternoon, and wowed me with his progress. I will miss the next session because of Scotland. In a little over a week, I’ll already be back here. Who knows what kind of adventures I’ll have, and the stories and souvenirs I’ll bring back? I’m petrified, but excited. Leaving the kids, leaving the house, leaving the puppies, leaving my work. Putting one step in front of the other, pedal to foot to pedal to plane. I can do it, because we’re all in good hands.
Of putting things aside
As if we’ll come
Back to them sometime
A brace of hope
A pride of innocence
And you would say
Something has gone wrong
Again (again we fail)
It seems we meet (to make amends)
In the spaces (went our way)
In between (in between each end)
We always say (lookin’ back)
It won’t be long (not moving on)
Mmm, but something’s always wrong”