I’m Nodding Off As I Write This..

Lately I feel so exhausted, in that way that feels like I will never catch up. Before we had two kids, people with at least two kids always said that adding the new baby won’t double the parental work; it will quadruple it. We knew that and went into this with open eyes. At this stage the workload isn’t quite terrible, but the exhaustion is quadrupled. If Des does sleep all night, Scarlet doesn’t. If Scarlet does, Des doesn’t. And none of these are new thoughts and maybe I have no right to complain about two beautiful and lively (at 2:00 am) kids, but I learned long ago that there are two people in this world:

1. People who can live without a lot of sleep
2. People who cannot live without a lot of sleep

I am in that second category. In high school I had to wake up at still-dark 5:20 am if I wanted to wash my hair, in the face of having two sisters, AND eat breakfast because I prize breakfast above anything and everything, AND catch that pesky school bus. In time, my health suffered. I had a constant clicking in one of my ears. I had dark circles under my eyes, which really isn’t so bad when you’re 17 because one Friday night at home and a Saturday morning sleep-in would erase it like magic. And then in college, I slept in more but I couldn’t seem to go to bed before 3:00 am. I was temporarily unable.

Some time after college graduation, I took a job with 11:00 am – 8:00 pm hours. I’d roll out of bed naturally, without being woken up by a sharp ringing, around 9:00 or 9:30. No alarm clocks. It’s a concept. And you know what? I never, ever, ever got sick. Once in a few years and it was a measly cold. There were some Jersey allergies at some point, but not long-term.

These days, there are still no alarm clocks. There never will be. There are Des whines or times, like today, in which Scarlet walks into my room and starts having a conversation with me as if she didn’t wake me up out of a deep dream, and as if I actually know what she’s talking about. I never do. For years I have tried to figure out if I’m a morning person or not. As if it’s that black or white. I’m an in-between person. Getting up before 8:00 am seems a little cruel. Getting up past 10:00 or 11:00 is not really possible for me but probably wouldn’t make me feel that great either. A nice 8:00 – 10:00 is my style.

The point of all of this is that my exhaustion is affecting me. I am not prepared for this world. I am completely overwhelmed by even trivial things..Big things too, but that’s expected. It’s the normal life things that get me..

..like Des needing to eat. (the nerve!) Sometimes he’ll still be sleeping and it will occur to me that I have to feed him. A lot. He gets three creative and nutritious solid meals a day. And a baby his age is supposed to nurse 5-6 times a day still. He is probably more like 6-7. So I have to feed him 8-10 times a day. And I’m domestically challenged, you see. So I’ll have to Google some of the more pathetic things..how to bake a sweet potato. How to mash an avocado. (seriously)

..The weather. I have severe spring fever and I do every year at this time. It’s such a novel idea to me that there occurs a time in which when you have to go out with the kids..you all just get in the car. Really!? No boots, hats, mittens, blankets, fleecey things, snow pants, coats, bad attitudes, scraping ice off of cars, getting stuck on a patch of snow in the driveway..

..This morning Scarlet told me I couldn’t do photography today, but that I could tomorrow. Instead of laughing and saying, “I will do photography as much as I please! You’re not the boss of me!” (actually, she is) I wanted to cry. How could I get through a whole day without my lifeblood? Luckily once I had some breakfast and felt somewhat normal, I did laugh. And she let me take her portrait, but not in her Snow White costume. And I had to bribe her with apple cider. I’m not proud.

..Then there’s photography knowledge. I’ve been spending too much downtime (late night nursings) reading pro photography forums. First of all, those people are ruthless and would cut Ansel Adams down to shreds. Second of all, I don’t really believe in airbrushing and changing skin tones. I like how people look in real life enough. (the occasional baby acne is ok to touch up) Alas, these people know their sh*t. The problem is that in my tired state, there is too much going into my brain at once. It’s like downloading too much data into a computer without enough memory. I can’t process it all. And it makes me re-evaluate everything. “Wait, have I been doing EVERYTHING wrong all of the time?” And you know what? No.

I’ve gotten as far as I’ve gotten with the way I’ve done things. New information will hopefully only add to that. I will incorporate new skills and tricks to make my session times shorter and my post-processing life easier. One trick at a time.

I look like crap all the time and I probably don’t know what’s going on half the time. One step at a time made possible by..

..one longer stretch of sleep at a time.