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I’m a Million Different People

“No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people
From one day to the next
I can’t change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
(Have you ever been down?)”

But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold, But I'm a million different people, From one day to the next, I can't change my mold

I changed the song of this post three times.

Then I woke up singing this song but I couldn’t figure out what it was, which is odd, because it’s an old favorite, so I Googled “lyrics I’m a million different people” and here we are. I’m a million different people, and some of my versions may have cut your heart out, and others were boring or sedated or compromised. I’m still the person who laughs at every single fart joke. I am still the person who had four babies and didn’t even realize the extent of my physical pain until it nearly broke me from the inside out. A million different people from one day to the next. I can change in my mold, because we all can. Speaking of which, I was going to use yet a different (but new) Hornsby song – “Living in the Sunshine.” I was going to build a post from the ground up around it, with vines and tangles. Then it was going to be, “In Between Days” by The Cure.

This song, though; it built me instead. With vines and tangles; tangles and vines.

I feel like I’m not even here, and I feel like I don’t even have to be here. I’m feeling submerged in darkness, but if I can’t come here, then where can I go? This is my place to figure out my brain and heart a little, and it’s nice to share it with a few people who still read personal blogs, and come here of their own accord, and not because of Google keyword searches. It’s funny because it’s like a relationship with this blog. We have always seemed to grow together, even with all of the changes and growing pains and technological advances, and whatever else has changed the journey. I read my own blog, until after the day a post is published. I read my cousin’s blog, but she’s going through a hard journey and is on hiatus. There are about three other bloggers who blog at least once a week, and I read their posts. They read mine as well. When I apply for blogging jobs these days, I often humble brag that I’ve kept this blog going for over 13 years, without a single break. I’ve never even gone three days without publishing some sort of post, which is more what I’m referring to there, but I’ve never gone a week without a post like this.

But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold, But I'm a million different people, From one day to the next, I can't change my mold

And sure, I used to do posts like these three times a week, but I didn’t have as much going on, and at some point, you deserve to earn an income for extremely involved work. So I created this safe space and I don’t know if you noticed, but I created a cute shortcut to my personal posts on my homepage. That’s for YOU friends, so you can always find me here. It’s like a relationship, and it’s a healthy one. We seem to find a way to each other here, in the light and in the darkness. And you know what? I’m not the same person I was when I started this relationship. I’m actually better, even if I sometimes seem worse, because I’m held to my worst days and my worst posts. The other night I couldn’t sleep, so I thought about all the things I could say to people the next day. I wrote two apology emails (got one nice response; expected zero) and I shared this post:

“Friends, last night in my sleeplessness, I realized I don’t really remember my 30s. I mean, I do, but I also don’t. I was basically sleepwalking through them – avoiding panic attacks. Then we had the pandemic and I sort of hid into myself and stayed hiding. I think I was an a-hole. Many of you moved on to fabulous things. Many of you moved through very rough things. I’m sorry I was in my hiding place. If you’d ever like to meet for coffee to talk about it, (my treat and I’ll even bring eggs) I would love that.”

But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold, But I'm a million different people, From one day to the next, I can't change my mold

Honestly, I wasn’t fishing for grace or compliments. It wasn’t for people to give advice, and it certainly wasn’t for people to praise my parenting, or excuse my behavior due to parenting. That wasn’t what this was about. This predates parenting, and maybe even adulthood. It’s like being wide awake after being asleep. It happens a lot throughout life when you have big shake-ups, deep realizations, or late-night promises to be more open and vulnerable. Sometimes you realize how much of your life you’ve been sleepwalking through, or calling it in with. It’s not necessarily your fault. We all do it. And it’s weird. Maybe we’re afraid of who we will be in the stark and harsh light. Maybe we need to consume our brains with everything but the raw pain of old and new trauma. We’re all building our lives and ourselves and it gets murky with what we choose, or not choose, to use for the foundation. Sure we can get way off track, but if you look at it from above, you’ll see that every brick was chosen with care, and that it all fills in the details of every damn day, every damn minute, and every damn little thing you do out of love.

And you know what? I’m a much better person than the one you fell in love with, even when I’m being held to my worst. And maybe I’m the one who needs to stop that. I’m a million different people from one day to the next, but I’m still the who who accepts and embraces crazy whims and dreams. I’ll dream your dreams and dream my own dreams, and find a way to paint them into a magnificent reality. I’m still the one who can teach myself nearly any trick or trade or job.

If I’m being paid in money, or I’m paying it in love.

But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold, But I'm a million different people, From one day to the next, I can't change my mold

I’m a million different people from one day to the next, but I’m still the one who wakes up joyful and loving to all babies and pets; and big kids and adults too, as long as it’s not too sour. We all have our struggles and I have revolutionized the way I experience mornings. You know what?

I still have a LONG way to go.

I’m a million different people from one day to the next, but I’m still the person with zero contempt, and only words taken out of context, and built from fear. We all say what we don’t mean when we’re scared or dismissed or very much alone. We all say different words when we’re behind the scenes – keyboard warriors – when we don’t think it matters anymore. Even though it very much does, and it will live forever, even when it shouldn’t. This is my place/space.

To tell you to choose words with delicacy and grace, which I haven’t always done.

I’m a million different people from one day to the next, which is why I deserve to also be judged on what you’re seeing standing in front of you, and looking into your eyes. The curtain is lifted.

But I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold, But I'm a million different people, From one day to the next, I can't change my mold

“‘Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, that’s life
Tryna make ends meet, tryna find somebody then you die
I’ll take you down the only road I’ve ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I’m here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I’m a million different people
From one day to the next”

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4 Comments

  1. I’m very thankful that we have stayed connected in our blogs. I feel like I know you and your family now, and it has been so much fun watching your family grow (both in number, age, and size!). I hope you’ll keep this aspect going. I never took the step to monetize my blog. It just doesn’t fit me or why I write. Maybe someday…

  2. I feel the same way too Tamara! TheSeanaMethod has expressed these feelings that l have much better than l can. Reading your blogs and seeing your photos that fill me and every one of the million different people that l am with joy and smiles and laughter every week is a very special blessing that l look forward to! The combined scatteredness and centeredness of all my million people rolled into one little person who tries really hard will always be a bittersweet challenge for me.

  3. Ugh, we just finished COVID for our 4th time… and life has kind of stunk all around for a bit. I loved seeing your messy wonderfulness. It makes me happy. Happy September to you and yours 🙂

  4. I love reading your personal stories and watching your sweet family grow! I don’t know how many years it is been – but I love how we are connected in this vast online space. Cheers to the future and all the versions of us!

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