This is gonna sound nutty, but sometimes when people compliment my writing, it makes me feel even more neurotic than if they hadn’t. That does NOT mean I don’t want people to compliment my writing. I do want and need it so badly. It’s just that on a bad day when someone tells me something I wrote resonated with them, I panic and think I’ll lose whatever magic I had with that particular post. And I fear I’ll never get it back. It makes sense that I panic because I lost my touch with writing for years. But there were circumstances involved. And I didn’t fight for it. Now I fight for it. I will always fight.
And I realize something. Writing will never go away. I’ll write many posts that will pale in lackluster comparison to some of my brighter and more time-spent ones. And that’s ok. The point is to keep going and not get paralyzed with inadequacy and fear. What I’ve learned is that writing is a part of me that has been here since…I learned to write. I was probably born with the need and then learning to write gave me an outlet to pour out creative fiction and even more creative non-fiction. I need it to survive. I’m learning that many writers and photographers don’t even think they’re good. And you may wonder – “If I don’t think I’m good at what I do, why do I share it with everyone?” And it’s because I can’t not. It’s not about thinking I’m good. It’s just about having to do it because I can’t rest if I don’t. I was born this way. This is who I am. And you can’t lose something so ingrained in who you are. I can lose an arm but I can’t lose writing. That’s such a powerful thought. It makes me go on against all self-created odds.
Some posts flow and some are forced. This one flows. This one I wrote in two seconds, my fingers flying at well over my once-tested 87 wpm. I’m not trying at all. This is just happening and my fingers are trying to keep up. This one takes me away from eating and watching TV and reading because I keep remembering sentences and thoughts I want to add to this. The forced ones are harder to publish but I do it to keep on a timely schedule. And just maybe, it sounds better to you than it does to me and maybe you can’t even tell it was forced instead of flowing. I think you probably can tell, though.
I like that I won’t lose the need to write. It’s both hopeful and true. You can’t beat that.
I Am Tamara. This is my photo-journalistic look at the obstacles and joys in my life as a toddler mama, wife, writer and photographer in the Happy Valley land of Western Mass. I have a lot to say and I sometimes think I might explode if I don’t. Tune in to my photographic ramblings here.